02x04 - Like Mother Like Son

[bunniefuu]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[JORDAN] Hey, Andre, maybe

one of us should just drive.

[CHUCKLES] No, don't

worry about it. I got it.

I got you, my man.

Yeah, man [SIGHS]

I got a crick in my neck that's a b*tch.

[SIGHS] I swear I got to get

to Nina so she can fix this.

Who's Nina?

- Kevin's fulltime masseuse.

- My fulltime masseuse.

[SNICKERS] Of course. Of course.

Okay. Well, I'm glad that my life

getting destroyed amuses you.

What? Didn't you

basically ask for all of this?

No, I didn't basically

ask for all of this.

I do not do that besides for a movie.

There's a big difference.

A movie has cameras and sound, lights,

that's what that has in it.

This is not the same.

It's not the same!

We need to go to the police.

No, no, we do not need to go to police.

Whoever this guy is, he

thinks we're dead, right?

So we use that to our advantage

- [JORDAN SIGHS]

- Okay? We make him think

that we're that we're not here.

We disappear. We just

got to figure where to go.

Man, this is where Natasha

would come in handy

because she would know

exactly where we should go.

And who the hell is Natasha?

- That's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.

- That's my Airbnb consultant.

This is getting ridiculous.

Oh, my God. I know

exactly where we can go

where no one would ever search for us.

Who's in?

Who's in?

Okay. Make yourself at home.

Uh, do you guys want anything to drink?

Kombucha, coffee, tea?

Yes. Yes. Uh, kombucha would be great.

I don't have it. You call my bluff.

[LAUGHS] I don't have

kombucha. I'm sorry.

No, water would be great. Thank you.

Water is gonna be great. Great.

Fantastic. And you, do

you want some water?

[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm not putting

my mouth on a cup of this house.

Nice. Nice.

Jesus Christ.

You actually live here?

[ANDRE] Yeah. My little slice of heaven.

Ugh.

- [ANDRE] What was that?

- I said ugh.

I love it. It's actually

really charming.

[ANDRE] Thank you.

You know mom and I are,

kind of, always messing

with the motif in here.

[ANDRE] Went through a

huge Southwestern phase,

so much turquoise.

[ANDRE AND JORDAN CHUCKLE]

So your mom helped you decorate?

Oh, yeah. Big time.

She's my roommate.

- She's right there.

- Oh, God!

- You've got to be sh1tting me.

- [SNORING]

No, no, no, no. Don't

be afraid, don't be afraid.

Watch this. Do you wanna meet her?

- No, I don't have to.

- Here we go.

Ma, are you okay?

Your mouth is open real wide.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.

- [ANDRE LAUGHS]

- Oh, my. [LAUGHS]

- Don't charge at me.

- Oh, my. Oh. Oh, my God.

Fix your bra.

It's, it's it's Kevin Hart.

America's treasure.

He's a family No, you don't have to.

[LAUGHS] No. And Jordan King,

or should I call you Wheezy.

[CHUCKLES] No, that's just a role

I'm not paid nearly enough to play.

Uh, Jordan is fine.

[ANDRE'S MOM] Oh, come here.

I got to squeeze you. Come here.

[ANDRE'S MOM LAUGHS]

You two got to eat.

We're gonna have a feast.

Andre, go to the freezer.

We're gonna defrost

the Christmas pork chops.

We're doing the Christmas pork chops?

- [KEVIN] No, no.

- We've been waiting for this

- for like six years.

- I don't think that

- [JORDAN] Oh.

- We have that much time.

[KEVIN] You don't have to

do that. We don't wanna

[ANDRE'S MOM] Oh,

we have plenty of time.

You guys save that meat, okay?

- Okay?

- You're eating my meat.

[ANDRE] Tell him, mom. Tell him.

I don't I don't No, no, no.

- You're gonna want my meat.

- No, we don't want your meat.

And people talk about it all the time.

- Well, we don't

- Did you hurt yourself?

- Uh, this is not This is

- Did you know there was

[YELLS IN PAIN] Ah, sh*t, woman!

Did you know there was blood there?

- Yeah, I

- And up here?

Oh, ow! Stop.

But you are Kevin Hart.

You can't walk around

with bloody clothes on.

You're too sophisticated.

Take your shirt off.

- Come on, I'm gonna wash it.

- No, no, no, it's okay.

I'm, I'm already doing a bloody load.

Come on. Take it off. Come on. Help me.

Take it off, Kevin. What are we doing?

- Yeah.

- So nice of you.

Oh, somebody has got a cute tummy.

- Okay. That's a lot.

- [ANDRE'S MOM] Come on.

Mom, look at it.

Remember I was telling you

about his belly button?

It's right there, mom. You got it.

Take my chance. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

- [KEVIN] Oh, God.

- [ANDRE LAUGHS]

Just let me Just please

Let me get it. Stop it, please?

[LAUGHS] Oh, my goodness.

Thank you. You got it.

- Oh, that's

- You gotta be kidding me.

Whoa, that hit my eyes. That is

- We Well, we were filming

- That is [SNIFFS]

- That's a man right there.

- Yeah, we were filming

That is good.

We're doing a improv action.

- I can't wait to see

- I love you so much.

We were basically all the action

Oh, I'm so proud of you son.

[KEVIN SIGHS]

They're such nice people. [CHUCKLES]

Nice people who?

[SCOFFS] You're so mean.

How can you be mean to this guy?

Look at him.

He might be the nicest, sweetest

person I've ever encountered.

How can you fire him?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Uh, you

want me to start at the beginning?

I don't know, maybe because

he doesn't respect boundaries.

He cares about you.

Oh, will you just stop it?

Man, clipped my

g*dd*mn toenails one time.

While I was in bed

with a woman.

- Exactly.

- Yeah.

Struggling, by the way, to perform.

Had a lot on my mind.

A lot of my mind.

Brown gummy worms in full effect.

I I don't I don’t

need to know this.

- I don't need to know this.

- Loose noodle.

Call it what you want. I look down

Kevin.

I see his face looking up

at me. Now, I got no shot.

[JORDAN] Okay.

Thank you for the context.

Just giving you a

Giving you a play-by-play.

But, [SIGHS] listen, when

I go to set, it's me acting, right?

But to get there, I've got reps,

my dialect coach, my

assistant, and then there's

personal trainer,

hairstylist, makeup artist.

The, the list goes on, and then there's

family and friends who supported me

and sacrificed for me.

I'm sorry, I got lost in

what you were saying

because I felt it was bullshit.

You have that too Kevin and then some.

Okay? It's why you're a star.

No, that's not true.

I'm a star because I made

myself a star with this.

Sure. Yeah, that's the story

you keep telling yourself,

but you had help.

Okay.

Hey, how are you guys doing?

[CHUCKLES] The pork chops are smelling

so much like shrimp

right now it's amazing.

I got you a shirt my man.

I think it'll fit perfectly.

- [ANDRE] Okay. Do you see it?

- [KEVIN] Mm-hmm. Nice.

Yeah, I made that myself.

Okay. Thank you for that.

Uh, I wanted to ask you earlier,

but I didn't get a chance

- Anything.

- Who's Who's that?

- This one?

- Yeah.

That's my dad.

He's been gone a long time.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Same.

You know my mom raised me.

I know.

Did your dad, uh,

got afraid of parenthood and run off?

It wasn’t anything like that, actually.

He was amazing. He was kind.

Uh, he was gentle By the

way, Richard Pryor's assistant.

Your dad is Richard

I guess you could say assisting

just runs in the family, right?

Oh, that's legendary.

- It is, right? [CHUCKLES]

- That's huge.

It's huge. Until it k*lled him.

What do you mean?

[CLICKS TONGUE] It's a big show

and, uh, crazy fan got through security.

So my dad jumped in the way of a knife

that was meant for Richard Pryor.

You You're playing.

- No. Cut him in the stomach

- What?

- Got up, back down.

- What?

k*lled my dad on the spot.

Oh, my God, man!

I can't I can't process that.

Neither could I. It was

enormous for our whole family.

Why would somebody

wanna k*ll Richard Pryor?

Huh?

Who?

Yeah, why?

That's crazy right?

Yeah, I bet my I bet

By the way, I bet my

dad when he was dying,

was looking up and was like,

"Why would you do this?"

Or something like that.

It has to be, right?

Maybe. Maybe not. I mean, at that point,

that’s not what's important.

Somebody tried to k*ll Richard.

- Right. My dad was already dead.

- Yeah.

So The thing we're gonna

worry about is who is this guy?

Are there more of them?

Guys' gonna do what he's gonna do.

- Yeah.

- Okay? You can't rewrite that.

No. Nobody can. I tried to.

[CHUCKLES] God, I've

been to so much therapy

trying to rewrite that moment.

What could I have I

done, you know, as I child.

But maybe I could have jumped in the way

- or something like that.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

On the bright side though,

if you think about it,

he died doing what he loved the most.

- Mm-hmm.

- Assisting.

He was so happy that he brought joy

to someone who brought

joy to so many people.

He told me every single thing I knew.

[ANDRE CHUCKLES]

You know, man, maybe, um,

maybe I didn't mean to fire you.

I think your exact words were,

"I didn't need a stuntman."

"I sure as hell don't

need an assistant."

You said it to me, yelled it, and then,

uh, you told me get

out of your car, right?

Oh, no. You're absolutely

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

But I'm just saying now, looking back,

I'm saying, maybe, I do

Maybe I still do need

an assistant. I mean, if you

Oh, God. All right.

[CHUCKLES] I need you too.

- No. Not this

- I need you too.

Not this same.

- Oh, f*ck.

- Yeah.

I've never been this hard.

All right. I'm gonna tell my mom.

Mom, you'll never believe it.

Congratulations.

Something else, right?

[GROANS]

- [JORDAN] I'm proud of you.

- Shut up.

You know if you start treating everyone

in the Kevin Hart Universe

with that level of respect,

I think you'll be happy with your life.

You really are something else.

I mean, you paint me

out to be such a monster.

Name one other person

that I've disrespected.

Just one. Give me one.

I can absolutely name someone.

- [KEVIN] Hey, Jordan.

- Yeah. Hi.

Had you looked at the call sheet?

I didn't see your stunt double on there.

Oh, I sent her home.

Why?

Well, I grew up on motorcycles

and it's a simple one today.

I just have to drive through that glass

of our dry cleaning

business before it explodes.

Whoa. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Simple for who?

Who's, who's it the simple for, you?

Well, that's what you have double for.

Do you know what this looks like

if you're gonna do all your

own stunts, and I don't do mine?

Do you know what

people will think of me?

Uh, they'll think you're an actor?

And, listen, I'm not

jumping off the cliff,

I'm not jumping a plane,

and I ain't fighting no

alligator for anyone.

You don't think I can do my own stunts.

- What? No.

- You don't think I'm tough enough?

No, I that's what Doug is for.

For exactly these things.

You think I need Doug?

Absolutely.

Maybe I don't.

Maybe I don't need Doug.

I think he just heard you.

Hey, Doug.

I'm gonna go talk to Doug.

Kevin.

Hey, there he is.

My guy.

Oh, oh.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, you ain't gonna believe this sh*t.

I'm talking to Jordan.

I just found out Jordan

sent her stunt double home.

You know what she's trying to do.

You know exactly

what she's trying to do.

She's trying to show me up

and I'm not going to have that.

I can't have that.

I'm Kevin Hart, right?

[KEVIN LAUGHS]

So here's the thing, right?

Let's get into this relationship,

because it's one of the

best that I've ever had.

How long have you been with me, man?

Damn, that long huh?

It's been a long time.

I know you're gonna be fine

and it's time for you fly, right?

[KEVIN] So with that being said,

uh, we're done.

I'm, I'm gonna go ahead and

Is it Is fired the word?

I guess I guess it is fired.

So I'm gonna fire you, but in a

But in a dope way to

where we're still cool.

Imma Imma gonna

go and, uh, get ready.

My guy.

- It's stunt time.

- Kevin, this is terrible idea.

It's stunt time.

Listen, I'm not trying to show you off.

Hey, enough Jordan.

It's all good, Mr. Action Star.

[GASPS] Doug.