03x04 - The Vacuum from Sarasota

[bunniefuu]

Why do I keep getting
dragged into this sh*t?

- Look, Jordan...
- Okay, I could have been

in commercials. I could
have done that, right?

I could have done theater.

I mean, I could have
been an Instagram model.

I mean, so many people have
asked me for pictures of my feet.

- Okay?
- I could have started an OnlyFans.

- All right, Jordan...
- I make really cool slime.

- Slow down, slow down.
- With, like, glitter in it.

You're spiraling.
You're in shock.

f*ck you! I am not in shock!

Oh, God. Okay.

Hey, hey, look.

All right, all right.

Now, here's what I'm thinking.
Follow me on this one.

What we do, we take
it to the hospital.

- Okay? Follow me.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.

Take her body, roll
it out on the curb

right underneath the emergency
sign, where it's brightest.

That way people don't
miss her. They see her.

- What? No!
- As soon as we see some traffic

- come out, peel off.
- No, no... no, no.

So we're gonna just dump the
body that we hit on the pavement?

Like that's the
right thing to do?

- No, no.
- I think it is.

I also think that you're saying
something that we should talk about.

You keep saying the
body that we hit.

Right. I just want to let
you know, for clarity,

we didn't hit the body.

You did. You hit that body.

- So let's...
- Aah!

Ow! Stop it! You'll
make me crash!

- Why do you keep f*cking up my life?!
- Okay, okay, okay!

Fine, fine, fine.

- We... hit the body.
- We hit the body.

- Okay?
- Yes.

We hit the body.

Let's take her to a hospital.

No hospitals.

The f*ck you doin'?!

Zombie!

It's a zombie!
She gonna k*ll us!

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay.

Okay, so you're alive then?

- Yeah, yeah, apparently.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.

- I feel so bad.
- Thank God.

- I can still win the Oscar.
- Oh, thank God.

It's okay. Seriously,
it's... it's fine.

It's fine? Really? I
mean, we were going

- at, like, what, 60 miles an hour?
- There you go with that "we" again.

No, it's all right.

Honestly, my shoulder
took the brunt of the hit.

It was, like, right before
contact, I really sort of...

leaned into it, so.

So, what's your name?

Pearl... aah!

Oh, sh*t. Come on, you
zombie m*therf*cker.

That's
the shoulder there...

the car hit...

Pearl, your head, it's bleeding.

Yes, yes, it does
feel pretty f*cked up.

- Is that blood or brains?
- Yeah.

Let's go ahead and get
you to the hospital.

No, I was serious.
No hospitals.

- You need to see a doctor.
- I was supposed to get hit by a car.

Okay? I was supposed to get hit
by this car, this exact car.

You had a...

a premonition?

So, the character that
I'm hoping to play

gets hit by a car, survives
an entire collision.

This accident informs
her entire backstory.

Are you saying...

what I think you're saying?

The pizza rolls
must be overcooked

in order to fully
melt the cheese.

Unfortunately, this does
render them slightly too hot.

I suggest we wait a few
moments and let them cool.

Great, okay, so...
just want to clarify.

You're saying that the car will be
going full speed, it will hit me,

and then I have to help
the people that hit me?

Precisely.

Not to be a d*ck, but
I went to Juilliard.

So did Roosevelt McCaffrey.

- Sorry, who?
- My point exactly.

Juilliard may have taught you
how to act... in their fashion.

I will teach you how
to win a golden statue.

Okay, sorry.

This might be a silly question,
but, um, what if the car kills me?

Al Pacino once let an elephant
sit on his chest for 12 hours.

Why?

Research.

Okay, what does this have to do
with me getting hit by a car?

If you don't have the courage
to commit to this role,

I will find another
actress who does...

another
actress who does...

Holy sh*t.

I know. Commitment, right?

No, you could have been k*lled.

I don't see the need to
focus on that minor detail.

Well, there's actually
a lot to unpack there.

- Such a major detail.
- Yeah.

Look, I just want to get something out
in the open right off the bat, okay?

I am huge fans of yours.

Oh, thank you.

Specifically you, Jordan.
I am truly such a fan.

Okay, so Jackson wasn't specific,
but what I'm angling for is this,

like, young, raging
hot, Sissy Spacek vibes.

Like, she's got her sh*t together,
but she gets hit by a car,

which leads to this
emotional scene

where she is just sobbing
over being broken.

Physically, obviously,
but also emotionally.

And it's just this beautiful
end-of-Act-Two mic drop.

Oh, sorry. Important caveat
for both of you guys.

I'm just looking for a Best
Supporting statue here, all right?

Eighteen minutes of
screen time, tops.

I'm just trying to wet my
beak with the Academy voters.

My main goal...

is helping you two
shine as leads.

- Oh, that's your priority?
- Hey, rising tides raise all boats.

Ow... let me ask you a question:
how many boats raise up

in a dead guy's film?

Kevin thinks that
Jackson Pepper was k*lled

by a Venetian... something.

- Or what was it?
- A Venetian Fauchard.

Sorry, you're saying,
um, Jackson's dead?

Yeah, well, Kevin
seems to think so.

Why do you say I
"seem to think so"?

I know so. I saw the
blood and guts...

Jordan, right now, you are
really driving me crazy.

I saw blood, guts.

I wiped my face with Dustin
Hoffman's a*s cloth, okay?

Okay, okay, listen, listen.

If he really is dead, maybe
my agent knows something.

I bet he will. Call him.

Oh, sh*t. I left my
phone in the bus station.

Yeah, well, I threw
mine out the window.

I have a phone... oh, no.

Okay, wait, something
else is in my pocket.

What is that?

You guys?

Something is in my pocket.
I did not put it there.

- Open it, open it, it's from him.
- It's a greeting card.

- Open it, open it.
- It says...

- Read it.
- "Hope you survived the accident.

Get well, Pearl."

If you're
hearing this at last...

it means that I have passed.

k*lled in a fit of rage...

by Kevin Hart, half
my size and age.

- It was a Venetian Fauchard.
- You mourn my existence.

I count on your persistence.

Kevin and Jordan
are in a deep hole.

Fugitive life will
take its toll.

You must be their rock,
their partner, their friend.

Do this well, and you'll
be rewarded in the end.

What the f*ck does that mean?

It means he's gone.

And that I'm your
rock now, Kevin.

Oh... well, there it is.
Everything's gonna be okay.

- Yeah.
- No, I don't get it, that means

he's orchestrated
this entire thing.

It's possible he's tricking
us into believing he's dead.

Oh, okay, yeah, because I'm
the only gullible jackass

to believe that an old man
was impaled by a giant spear.

I don't know, Kevin.
I wasn't there, was I?

All I'm saying is that there
has to be a way to be sure.

There is.

I know somebody that can help
us get to the bottom of this.

Everybody in the car. Come on.

The guy's an ex-cop,
police consultant.

He's gonna tell us exactly
what happened to Jackson.

I just gotta butter
him up a bit.

Sorry, he lives
in a storage box?

Just let
me do the talking.

Hey, Jimmy, it's
me. Open up, man.

It's me. It's Kevin.

Open up.

Hey, there he is.

- What's going on, Jimmy?
- No, no, no.

Don't call me that.
It's Roger Richards now.

- Roger Richards, okay.
- Yes, Roger Richards from Sarasota.

Do you all understand?

Yeah.

Okay, good. Okay, come on in.

Okay. Hurry up.

All right... what? Man,
what're you looking at?

Wow, this is the worst episode
of "Storage Wars" I've ever seen.

- Kev, could I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah... get your hands off me.

- Who the hell are they?
- What do you mean?

You know who that is.
That's Jordan King.

Okay? And that's... what,
God damn it, what the f*ck...

I'm Pearl.

Okay, well, look, guys,

I...

I appreciate you
coming by, I really do.

Nothing would thrill me more than
to toss back a few cold ones, huh?

Trade Desert Storm
stories, you know?

But your timing
is not good, okay?

I... I have a lady
friend that...

is coming by this evening.

Got a date at 3:00 a.m.?

Well, it's what works best
with Rosalinda's work schedule.

She's... she's a trauma surgeon.

Are you gonna clean out your
sh*t bucket before she gets here?

Uh, excuse me, that is a chamber pot.

- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Okay, right.

Cause I smell sh*t.

Listen, we're not gonna take
up too much of your time,

'cause you got a lot of
stuff going on, but we do...

- we do need your help.
- Yeah.

Look, Kev, I don't consult
movies anymore, you know,

not after that little dust
up I had with Mayim Bialik.

Not... Not movies.
Not movies, okay?

- In this case, it's real life, right?
- Put it down.

- Smells good.
- Consulting in a real life capacity.

I mean, look, you
used to be a cop...

I am Roger Richards,

a semi-retired vacuum
repairman from Sarasota.

- Oh, wow.
- They could be listening.

- You're gonna blow my cover.
- What the f*ck.

But, Roger, at one
point in time, you were.

And, I mean, do you still have
friends at the department?

If so, you could
probably give us a hand

- with this investigation.
- It has ba*ls.

Make some calls on our behalf.

Yeah, on one hand, look, my
law days are a painful memory.

- Yeah.
- And I've worked hard

- to close that chapter.
- Yes, yes.

But...

on the other
hand...

how do I say no to the guy
that saved my f*cking life?

- I didn't save your life.
- Wait, what are you talking about?

- You saved my... You saved my life.
- I've never saved your life.

- I swear that was you.
- I would know if I saved your life.

I never saved your life.

- Maybe that wasn't you.
- No, no.

Maybe that was Chris Tucker.

To be honest, I really
had a nose for cocaine

during my consulting days.
Snorted it like a vacuum.

Guess that's why you
became a vacuum repairman.

Who are you again?

So I'm their rock, but I'm very malleable.
I could be, like, a pebble or a boulder.

Strong. They look up to me.

- They look up to me.
- Roger, could you please call someone

and find out what happened
to Jackson Pepper?

Okay, is that piss?

To be fair, Jillian,
it's old piss.

It's Jordan.

Well, I think all of us in
the film community at large

are reeling from his loss.

And let me just say,
just on the record,

no one can replace
Jackson Pepper.

He was a titan

and a giant in his field.

I love her so much... oh, gross,
I just touched something sticky.

It's c*m, we can pretend it's
not, but it's definitely c*m.

Oh, my God,
Lieutenant, you are a hoot.

Okay, hey, listen. Don't
ever change, all right

Okay, ciao.

Okay, well, so Jackson
Pepper is dead,

and you are the
only m*rder suspect.

You're totally f*cked.

They got prints, video
evidence proving you did it.

Pretty airtight case.

Really solid investigator.

No, that's bullshit, 'cause
I didn't do anything.

They got some hot shot Fed on
the case with a stick up his a*s.

They're looking for you as
well, as an accessory to m*rder.

Any mention of me?

Anyway, guys, I really need you

to cut a rug before
Rosalinda gets here.

Hey, man, f*ck Rosalinda, okay?

I didn't do sh*t. There's gotta
be something else that we can do.

Well, I can get you a
Sri Lankan passport.

Take me 72 hours. Do
you speak Sinhala?

Do I speak Sinhala?

Do I look like I
f*cking speak Sinhala?

No, man. Now, look,
I ain't running.

- That's the last thing I'm f*cking doing.
- We have to clear our names.

Okay? We have to clear our names.
There has to be another way.

Okay, what I am about to propose

will require bravery...

stupidity...

and excellent acting chops.

I got all f*cking three.

Right on, brother.

Okay, you are gonna
need a disguise.

Let me see what I can dig up.

Oh, oh, this might be nice.

No, here you go, oh...

okay, what to wear to
infiltrate the crime scene.

Oh, look at this.

sh*t.

It's Rosalinda. All right,
you guys hide under the bed.

- Absolutely not gonna happen.
- I'm not getting under a g*dd*mn bed.

Rosalinda is an
exceptionally jealous woman.

She sees me here

with the three of you,
she's gonna be convinced

that we just had
hot, delicious sex.

- Why the f*ck would she think that?!
- Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

I will seduce her
in the Pontiac,

buy you guys some time.

- Then you gotta scram.
- No, no. Ain't no scram...

Roger? Roger!

- Hey, Roger!
- Hey... oh, babe!

sh*t.

Roger!

Oh, you son of a b*tch.

- It's locked.
- Are you sure?

Roger!

Hey, guys, don't worry about it.

- I found the key.
- Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Catch!

What the f*ck?

No!

Why the f*ck would you
throw it that hard?!

Not me.

Me, neither.

sh*t.

♪ sh*t ♪

♪ sh*t, damn ♪

♪ I won't do it ♪

♪ Hell nah, f*ck you mean? ♪