03x05 - The Legend of Lionel Pendergrass

[bunniefuu]

I've got a bad
feeling about this.

Relax, just keep driving.

- How do I look?
- Yeah, okay, oh.

You kind of look like the love child
of Fidel Castro and James Harden.

- Kevin, listen...
- Don't call me Kevin right now.

Seriously, like, not right now.

I want to get into character,

and I need to approach
this properly.

I want to... my name is...

Ooh, please let it
be Roger Richards.

You're... You're
interrupting my process

and how I approach the craft.

So, can you please sit back?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.

I'm going to go by
Lionel Pendergrass.

- Oh.
- Why?

How you doing? I'm
Lionel Pendergrass,

and I work for the LA County
Department of Forensics.

Listen to me. I have
spent the past two years

infiltrating people's homes,
businesses, secured locations.

I mean, I treat each
job like it's a mission.

I study schematics, I
research onsite personnel.

You can't just bumble into a crime
scene where you're wanted for m*rder

and just steal the evidence trying
to prove that you are the m*rder*r.

It's dangerous.

You don't think I can do it?

That's the problem,
because nobody does.

And maybe this is how
I show them I can.

Let me tell you what I do know.

You can't just go bumble
into somebody's home

where you're the m*rder suspect
and just take what you want.

I've been studying
this all my life...

- All right, you know what?
- I just said that.

Why don't you just go and do
the thing that you're gonna do?

- Please?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm about to f*ck sh*t up.

Need any help with that?

- No, I don't.
- Okay.

- Let me just...
- Lionel Pendergrass

can put a glove on.

- Is it stuck?
- No, I think it's a left hand.

- It's a left hand.
- Okay.

I'll be back.

There's no way this
sh*t's gonna work, right?

- No!
- Oh, and he just fell.

Oh, hey, hey.
What's your name?

You.

Lionel Pendergrass.

LA County Department
of Forensics.

- Where's your badge?
- I don't carry one.

I don't want to
contaminate the place.

Is that forensics?

Huh? Let's go.

Yeah, all right, well, I'll catch
up with you some other time.

Maybe get some coffee or
something. Talk about your mother.

All right, my man.
Brother, right on.

Somebody called for forensics?

Yeah, two hours ago.

Two hours too long.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Where the hell
have you been, huh?

Huh? Hmm?

Come on.

Sorry, sir, I just...

- I'll go secure the perimeter.
- Uh-huh.

A lot of fire in that one, huh?

Yeah.

So, what's the deal?

I tell you what the deal is. The
deal is I had a g*dd*mn butt-f*ck.

Explain that a little
further for me.

Quadruple homicide.

- Yeah.
- sh*t, four people.

You're g*dd*mn right
it's four people.

That's why I said quadruple.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Blood, guts everywhere.

Look like a g*dd*mn piñata
spilled all over the place.

- Huh.
- It was a sh*t show.

What'd you say your...

what'd you say your
name was again?

I'll tell you exactly
what... who the f*ck is that?

Hey, dickhead.

Get your g*dd*mn
hands off the sh*t.

DNA all over the place.

I've been telling
these assholes all day.

Why is he taking so long?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

It's probably better if I
come up here... ooh, okay.

- Okay.
- Just come up here for it, feels easier.

Okay, so...

someone like me has to
literally get hit by a car

to book a role in a big movie,

and then Kevin's out here, like, Lionel
Pendergrass-ing himself for people

to take him seriously as an
actor, but, like, what about you?

What about me?

Jordan, I have seen every
role you've ever done,

and you outshine your
co-stars every single time.

That's not true.

The f*ck it's not. Literally,
you're Jordan King.

Like, you don't need to be doing
any drastic stunt to win an Oscar.

Like, you already
have the skill.

What, you think that's not true?

I think...

sometimes in Hollywood,
skill isn't enough.

This town will make up
its own opinion about you

and put you in a box.

I don't want to
get stuck in a box.

Then don't let them
put you in one.

If I could go back and
start my career over again,

I'd stand up for myself more.

You won't stop having
to, by the way...

and take...

take the roles that you want
and not what your agent wants.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Thank you.

You know, when you
meet your heroes,

you want them to be, like...

it's just...

I just think you're really cool.

Do we have any molly in here?

Well, I got some bad news.

And by bad, I mean not good.

This whole place has
been contaminated.

Yeah, you're telling me.

You okay there, Lionel?

Yeah, no, no, I'm...
I'm good, I'm good.

So, uh, who...

who did the
fingerprints on this?

I'd like to... I'd like
to check their work.

The tech's that way.

Always the tech.

Pardon me.

- Is this what you asked for?
- No, it's not.

Go back. Swap it out.

sh*t, what the f*ck did they
put in this g*dd*mn beard?

Poison ivy and sh*t.
Itching your face off.

Lionel, you in there?

Yeah...

yeah.

I...

I had some fish tacos.

Tore my damn stomach up, so...

I got quite the
situation going on.

You go ahead. Don't
wait on me. Go ahead.

Are you telling me you're using
the restroom at a crime scene?

No, I... I'm using
my sh*t bucket.

I brought a sh*t bucket.

Did you just say sh*t bucket?

That was a joke.

That was a joke.
It was a little...

Department of Forensics joke!

Not funny.

Um, have you seen
my evidence cart?

Get your a*s up in here.

Get out of my a*s!

Lionel, time to open the door.

That's an order.

sh*t... sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Come on, sh*t, sh*t...
no, no, no, f*ck!

Hey, Jordan, what do you
think stars are made of?

- Pearl.
- Mm-hmm?

- Did you just smell me?
- No... what?

So stupid!

- sh*t.
- Lionel!

- Oh...
- I'm coming in.

Hey, watch your step.

- Watch your step.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- All right.

God damn it. Boy, I am
inspecting this place

to see if there was any type of
strange forensic activity in here.

So you didn't use the restroom?

I did. I bagged that.

Cause I'm not picking up
on any fecal scent at all.

Well, maybe that's
because I'm healthy.

I eat right.

Now, let me tell you
what I've gathered.

First of all, we dealing
with a white man.

A big white man.

Mm-hmm, 6'4 ", 6'5",



I know that because of what
I've been able to gather.

Now, our k*ller came in
here with a disguise on.

Had a beard, big beard.

Took that beard off,
threw it in the commode,

obviously took it off,
tried to flush it there.

- You understand? You follow?
- That doesn't really match

- the suspect...
- Hey, hey, hey!

I got a job to do, I
don't come here to debate!

- Okay.
- Now, I gotta finish my job.

I gotta get down there,
take those video tapes,

compile all that
evidence I got into one.

That's my job.

Now, I don't appreciate
you talking to me like

I don't know how to do my job. And I
don't appreciate you staring at me.

Okay? God damn it.

And you're contaminating
everything.

Aah!

I'mma step on out of here.

Bag and tag it,
boys. Bag and tag.

Bag and tag.

Oh, f*ck! Kevin,
what the f*ck?

- Jesus!
- A simple "thank you" would suffice.

- Oh, God.
- Holy sh*t, you did it, Kevin.

It wasn't me.

It was Lionel Pendergrass.

Yeah, I went deep on some
method-acting-type sh*t.

- Y'all wouldn't know nothing about that.
- Why are you so wet?

It's toilet water.

- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Guys.

Who the f*ck is that?

Guess you're a shitty
actor after all.

Pearl, that is not helpful.

♪ Running from the
g*ns, point and sh**t ♪

♪ We used to play up
on the playground ♪