01x17 - Luna-Toons

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[all speaking alien language]

[in English] Wait a minute!

Can we speak in English for a change?

Okay, okay, sure.

-If you insist.
-I guess.

We'll do this democratically
to see who drives.

Heads, you win...

tails, you lose.

Make that the best two out of three.

Fling, flang, floo.

Fling, flang, floo.

Oh, boy! We won!

Yeah, we won!

Come back here!

-Hey, come on!
-That's no fair.

[computerized voice]
All systems, this is central core.

Arrived planet earth.

[lead alien clears throat]

We have reached the next
world to be conquered.

The 351st planet to kneel before
our great power. The planet...

...earth!

Okay, who wants to invade this turkey?

Come on! What are you, aliens or sheep?

It's just that... we're bored.

Bored?

An opportunity to see thousands
of people flee in terror is boring?

Yawn.

Okay, okay, let's be fair.

Space cadet Quark will go.

That's why I'm the leader.

Be mean, be tough, take no prisoners.
Make us proud to call you alien.

I packed meteor muffins
in case you get hungry.

Here are the keys to the flying saucer.

You put a dent in it,
and you're space dust.

Any questions?

-Yes.
-Good!

[screaming]

[Lucky yawns] I hate graveyard shift.
Work all night, lie awake all day.

[Bonkers] This will help you sleep.

Not now, I'm driving!

Bonkers.

-Yeah, boss?
-Don't help me.

[alarm rings]

Wait! Stop!

[brakes screech]

Oh, please, help me!

I'll call the cops!

Oh, I forgot. We are the cops.

I think the uniform gave it away.

Quick! That thief's getting away.

Stop! Police!

I know what you're thinking,
but I always carry a spare.

Move, Lucky! I'm going for a strike!

What?

[crashing]

[crashing]

-Sorry, boss. I usually bowl a 200.
-Of all the--

Should've tried the b*mb squad.
That woulda been safer.

[spaceship humming]

Oh-- oh, man.

Bonkers, what are you doing?

It's--it's-- it's--it's--

We have to put out an APB
maybe sometime before the thief

-gets to kalamazoo.
-No, no, no, 'cause--'cause--

you're trying to tell me something.

I'm not getting it.

Will you spit it out!

A flying saucer!

Swell.

Another toon publicity stunt
messing up a police investigation.

They're here. Them!

And they've chosen us, you and me, Lucky.

The first representatives of the human
race to contact alien life forms.

It's exciting! It's historical! It's--

It's your brain-- it's shorted out.

Look at that thing. It's some
toon thing-a-madoodle.

If that's not a toon, I'm a meat loaf.

I guess you're right, boss.

Boss?

Computer, define "boss."

Boss-- chief, head, foreman,

oveseer, leader.

Take me to your leader.

That was great! You're really good.

I am your conqueror.

I am your fan.

You k*ll me.

Come on. I gotta show you to the boss man.

Come on. Come on.

So right before the movie ends,
bang! The screen goes blank.

The thief knocked out the projectionist

and stole the last reel of the film.

And nobody saw the thief?

No, sir. I ran after him,
but I never got a good look.

And he's got the ending
to The Terminator Saves Christmas.

Oh, boy. That was a good one too.

Thank you. We'll be in touch.

Wait till you see this guy's act, boss.
He's a riot.

[Quark] Surrender your planet, earthling.

[yawn]

Toons.

[Bonkers laughs]

I love this guy.

So, who's your agent, bubbe?

Agent?

I have no agent booby.

What!

I just got here.

Oh, you're new in town.
Oh, well, that's different.

You're gonna need contacts to get
to know all the "in" spots for lunch.

And I know just the toon to teach you.

The dangerous leading the blind.

[Bonkers] No, no, no, Quarkmeister.

Toons gotta react with style, with flair.

Think exaggeration. Think big.
Now try it again. Go ahead.

Yikes.

-[dings]
-No. Bigger.

What is the purpose of this exercise?

To get you work. You're gonna need
a SAG card, right?

I already have a job,
conquer the planet earth.

And I don't need a card.
I have a proton g*n.

Fine, look. The act is really good, and
everything, but you got to refine it.

Add gags. Make yourself versatile.

Look, let me show you.

Heh heh heh.

You're not from around here, are you?

I'm overwhelmed by your level
of observation.

Yeah, we're smart observators, alright.

Welcome to earth.

Home of the brave, land of the free,
birthplace of the quick buck.

Can I take a picture
for The National Intruder?

[crash]

Okay, fine, Mr. Testy.

All you had to to was say
you were camera shy.

It's not that.

It's just that my powers, well,
they wear off after a while.

[gulp]

Take me to your boss man.

Lucky? But, why?

He will surrender your planet.

Come on, don't be shy.

Do I have to wear this?

We gotta disguise you in public, Quark.

You never know when the air force
might be driving by.

I feel ridiculous.

Come on, that's a designer hat.

Bonkie! Wow, who's your friend
in the ugly hat?

I didn't say which designer.

Come on in, guys. You're just
in time for breakfast.

Break-fast?

Look, mom. Bonkie came for breakfast
and he brought a friend.

Can they join us? Huh? Can they? Huh? Huh?

Any friend of Bonkers is a friend of ours.

Thanks, Mrs. P.

Is this edible?

Of course not. It's breakfast. Eat up.

[burp]

We invade earth after break-fast.

[Quark burps]

I'm Marilyn. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice, eh, to meet you.

Where's Lucky, Mrs. P?

Oh, he couldn't sleep again.

Said something about
going after the movie thief.

I'm full.

Ah, boy, so am I... not.

Sorry to devour and run, Mrs. P.
But we have to devour and run.

[snoring]

[snoring]

Boss, listen! You gotta listen!

You just gotta believe me about Quark.

He's not a toon, he's an alien!
A real alien!

Well, then send him to immigration.

We got other problems.

No, no, no, not that kind of alien.

An E.T., an extraterrarium,
little green men from mars, that kind.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. You know?

Yeah, that's, that's cute.

Look, I've been up all night reading
about the movie thief's past robberies.

I found a clue.

It seems he only steals happy endings.

[gulp] For reals?

[crying]

Fine. I'm going undercover.
Keep that toon--

[Bonkers and Quark] Alien!

Whatever. Keep it out of my way.

And the door's coming out of your salary.

I am a failure.

If I can't even invade
a tiny world like earth,

then what good am I?

You're being invaded!

Figures.

Humans. They have no respect.

[Lucky] Stop! Police!

Quark-lips. What a coinky-dink.

You know, you shouldn't walk
this neighborhood alone. It's rough here.

Yeah. Almost as rough as jail.

For interfering in the pursuit
of a suspected criminal,

you are under arrest.

[Bonkers] Hey, this is terrible.

What way is this to welcome
our first visitator from space?

We've insulted him, treated him
like a common criminal, alienated him!

Will you calm down?

We're just keeping your little
freaky buddy out of the way

so he doesn't get hurt.

[phone ringing]

-[garbled speech]
-Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, right away, sir.

He wants an update
on the movie thief case.

And please, don't find
any more stray bigfoot alien

white great sharks
while I'm gone, will you?

[door slams]

[pounding on door]

-[Bonkers] Hello?
-[pounding on door]

Guard?

[drips echoing]

What, did I miss a fire
drill or something?

[muffled] Up here! Up here!

Uh-oh.

[muffled] Look up here!

Quark! You need a bicarbonate?

I know how bad prison food can be.

[screaming]

[muffled groans]

What are you guys doing up there?

[muffled] Get us down from here!

You let a little green alien

come along and levitate you
right up, didn't you?

I gotta find Quark before Lucky
has his picture

in every post office from here to Podunk.

And don't worry.
The levitation thing wears off.

[thud]

Told ya.

So, the earthlings have surrendered
to you quickly?

This is good.

Well, they haven't exactly surrendered.

Acquiesced properly?

Capitulated completely?

-Threw in the towel?
-Quick.

Threw out the alien.

You've failed?

No, no. I just--

I just had a tiny bitty
witsy itty bitty problem.

With?

Getting them to believe
I was from outer space.

I knew it! That's what
I get for sending a child

to do an alien's work.

Since you're new here

and since your daddy owns

I'm going to cut you a break.

I'm going to show all of you
how it's done.

Now, who's your contact on earth?

So you're not miffed?

Why should I be mi-miffed? The toon--

-Alien.
-Whatever.

-[Lucky] So he skips jail. Who cares?
-[Bonkers] Well, I do.

[Lucky] He was in there on
a Mickey Mouse charge, anyway.

[Bonkers] Mickey was in on this?

-[Lucky] Just keep him out of my way.
-[Bonkers] "My way," I love that song.

And as long as he stays out of my way,
I don't care where he is. [yawn]

But I care. He was gonna be my new friend.

He was gonna get hurt, if he kept
showing up everywhere we went.

Not to mention sabotage our case.

I'm gonna check out a hunch
at the happy endings film studio.

[tire screeching]

[Quark] There.

[Bonkers] Hi, Achilles.

Hi, Tendon. Had a good day?

-Great!
-Terrific!

Laid on the floor all day.

And teased the neighborhood cat.

And how are you, Mr. Showerhead?

I'm great! Mildew's gone, pipes are clear.

Hop in.

[gurgling] The water's just fine.

Any requests tonight?

"Old Macdonald!"

A classic!

You bet!

Ahem.

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm
-[both] ee-i-ee-i-o ♪

♪ And on this farm he had an... ♪

♪ Alien ♪

♪ [all] Ee-i-ee-i-o... ♪

Hmm. If I had ears, I'd have to put
my finger twips in them.

What should we do with him?

Let's put him in a jar and bio-scan him.

No, let's extract
his precious bodily fluids

and see if there's any intelligence.

Eew, no. You do that.

-You do that.
-No, you do that.

No, you can't. He's my friend.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪

We have seen enough!
There's no other answer.

We have to blow up their planet.

[rooster crows]

[yawn]

[honks]

I'm sorry, Bonkers.
There's no other choice.

This is a proton splitter
and matter neutralizer.

Once activated, this device
will destroy your planet.

Oh, well, that's different.

Whoa! Hold the phone.

You're not gonna destroy
the earth from my house.

My commander thinks your world is full
of people too strange to conquer.

But he only met me.

Aah, Okay, so maybe I see your point.

But why blow up the whole planet?

"If the planet is unconquerable,
then it is to be destroyed."

It's the rule.

Oh, rules, schmules. Let me see that book.

[mumbling]

"...is to be destroyed."
Okay, well, you got a point.

I'm sorry it has to come to this,
Bonkers, booby.

I liked you. And your friends.
Even the boss man.

That's it!

-What's it?
-The boss!

What if your buddies met
somebody else other than me?

Somebody who wasn't so strange?

Whatever could he mean?

Ohh! It might work.

It will work. Let's go.

[Lucky] If that thief wants happy endings,

this is the place he'll
come looking for them.

[sniffing]

Okay, Lucky, this is it.
Big chance. Promotion time.

Lieutenant's badge is in your grasp.

"Sleeping Beauty."

Don't you just hate fairy tales?

-Perfect. A toon.
-Wrong. An actress!

Okay, Meryl Streep, you're under arrest.

[laughing]

You're a frog!

Sorry. I'm not
in a fly-catching mood today.

Drats. I forgot this thing
doesn't work in real life.

You think I'm afraid of you?

Ooh!

Ohhh... where am I?

Cinderella's castle, you oaf!

Figures.

Yes, it was here that I lost my chance
to be the fairy godmother,

when I lost my destiny
with cinematic immortality.

Ha. Don't you think you're being
a bit, uh, theatrical?

Any last wishes?

How about a parachute?

Hmm. pumpkins, glass slippers...

no, no parachutes here.

Maybe next time.

Oh, but there won't be a next time.

Bippity, boppity, boo!

Nice catch.

The cavalry's arrived, Lucky.

My promotion-- she's getting away.

[cackling]

That's Crab Nebula!

Who?

Crab nebula! Answer 64
in toon trivia pursuit.

"The evil fairy godmother who didn't get
the part in Sleeping Beauty."

Boy, she must still be holding a grudge.

How's that for quick exposition?

Can you catch her, Quarkie?

Are you kidding?

I can do warp 6 in this baby.

What about me?

[Bonkers and Quark] Hang on!

No! No! [screaming]

You are finally under arrest.

Where's Pickle?

He'll be here, chief.
Had to make a short detour.

Where? Mars?

-[giggling]
-We can't wait any longer.

Fishing season starts at noon.

What about Lucky's commendation?

Sorry, but the early worm gets the fish,
and I'm not gonna be late for that.

Poor Lucky. He's waited
so long for this day.

Where could he be?

[snoring]

Okay, Quark, you were right.

Not all earthlings are wacko.

And any beings who need to sleep
this much are entirely harmless.

Can I take him back to earth?
He's late for his promotion.

[snoring]

Promo--tion...

You certainly may.

And by the way, don't come back.

You mean... I get to stay on the earth?

Consider it a new assignment, Cadet Quark.

A long-term study of earthlings,
up close and personal-like.

-He'll make a better toon than an alien.
-[laughing]

Oh h*! Thank you!

Lucky, I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

[theme music playing]