02x04 - What You Read Is What You Get

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

Oh, boy! The National Trash!

All the news that fits.

I love this stuff!

Ooh, look at this one!
"Movie star weds horse."

"Horse files for divorce."

He said she was a real nag. [chuckles]

"Female flatfoot says
she'll flatten cartoon partner!"

If you don't put that stupid tabloid
down and get to work!

If grating hadn't caught you reading
The National Trash on roll call,

we wouldn't be playing meter maids now.

So help me write a ticket, huh?

Huh? Oh, yeah, sure thing, Miranda!

You know me, duty before honor.

Once a cop, always... Uh,
what were we talking about?

Be right back!

Listen to this!

"The loch ness monster
is running for congress!"

[gasps] "Rabbit woman gives birth to 86,
now expecting triplets!"

How could the other newspapers
miss this great stuff?

Because they're newspapers,
Bonkers, and that is garbage.

Garbage?

Am I to believe that I'm in the presence
of an unbeliever, a doubting Miranda?

Yes.

How can you stand to miss out
on all this interesting material?

Like this fascinating article about...

Me?

I can't believe it.

I'm not who I think I am!

I never paid my union dues,
my fillings transmit spy messages, and...

"Bigfoot is my father"?

They must be pretty hard up for lies
if they're printing trash about--

Oh, no!

Miranda, you have to read this.

No, you can't, it's too horrible.

Look at this! You won't believe it!

I probably won't.

"Psychic predicts Bonkers D. Bobcat

"will be kidnapped by Martians
at 4:30 P.M. on--"

Gee, Bonkers, it's just about 4:30 now.

Miranda, no! Don't say my name.
They might hear you!

[Miranda] You have to get
a hold of yourself.

You're going to pieces!

Help! I'm beside myself.

I thought I'd never be able
to look myself in the face again!

Whoa!

[panting]

Hey, watch it! [chuckles]

Hee, I bruise easily!

Not my special spot!

Say, "cheese!"

When I sell this to the tabloids
back on Mars, I'll be rich!

I mean it, Bonkers!
You've got to get a grip.

[Sarge] A Martian, huh?

And I suppose he was small,
with little antennas on his head!

No, Sarge! He wasn't small,
about my height,

average size for a creature
from another world.

Oh, and no antennas.

Bobcat, you're making a mockery
of this entire department.

Hmm. Well, I do my best!

These kind of lies make us look bad.

It's no lie, Sarge, it really happened.

You were there, Miranda.

Tell him about all
the horrible sights you saw!

Well, I saw a few double-parked cars,
and one motorcycle in a red zone,

it's just The National Trash, sir.

Nobody takes it seriously.

Alright. But if I see his mug plastered
on one more stupid scandal sheet,

I'm going to get angry.

Stupid? Surely you're not calling

one of the finest news publications
of our times, stupid?

I guess you are!

[crash]

I think you're letting your imagination
get the best to you, Bonkers.

You have to stop reading--

The National Trash.

Oh look, Miranda! It's a brand-new issue.

[gasp] Oh, no!

Zombies are making a comeback!

Listen to this, from an average
housewife in Los Angeles,

"My very own cousin, twice removed--"

I'll take the usual, Bonkers.
And step on it.

Hiya, Burger Bob!
How about two usuals to go.

Did you catch the big news?

Seems the city's being overrun by--

zombies!

Where're the burgers?

B-B-B-B-Bob!

What about him?

He's a zombie!

You don't know when to quit, do you?

The poor, dear, greasy fry cook
I've come to know and love

has become an undead
burger-flipping zombie!

Bonkers, I'm warning you.

If I hadn't read it in The National Trash,
I never would've believed it.

[Bonkers] The National Trash building!

This will be the story to end all stories!

Don't know how you do it, boss.
Always getting the big scoops--

say, I ever tell you what happened
at the signing of the declaration--

Oh, yes, yes, a hundred times.

Oh, those were the days, oh,
young I was, fresh on the job--

Enough of your incessant rambling.

Oh, gee, sorry, boss. I didn't mean to--

Hildy, dear, I never meant to imply
I wasn't fascinated by your rambling--

Uh, your reminiscing.

Sorry, boss. I know what it's like.

News flash, Hildy!

Aiiee!

News flash?

I'm ready, boss. I'm here for you.

"Abominable snowman wreaks
havoc on Hollywood."

Whoa! Now, there's a story!

I'll get it right for you, boss.

[man over radio] Calling car 13,
calling car 13.

Robbery in progress
at the Hollywood Monument Bank.

I'll try the back door!

[grunting]

Let's see! A wind sheer factor
of minimal proportions.

Perfect!

Now, some space to develop ramming speed!

All clear.

[honking]

[screaming]

[crashing]

[growling]

Oh-oh!

[growling]

Hey, hey! I know you!
You're the Abominable Snowman!

I've read all about you
in The National Trash!

But hey, shouldn't you be
in the Himalayas?

Now, let's keep calm, here, Mr. Snowman!

Nobody said we can't be friends.

I should warn you, I'm a police officer,
highly trained in the art of self-defense.

I know karate!

I know kung-fu, I know kickboxing,

and sometimes I tickle, too!

Whoa!

I knew that was going to happen!

Grrrr!

Ooh, come on. Stop it, will ya?

My vertebrates can't take the strain.

You're snapping all my favorite cartilage!

-Okay, this is my last warning!
-[growling]

If you don't let me go right now,

I'm going to start whining, and I mean it.

[screaming]

Mayday! Mayday!

Miranda! Oh, Miranda!

[growling]

Miranda! Bobcat needs backup!

[screaming]

[growling]

[Miranda] Bonkers!

Take this, you overgrown ice cube!

[growling]

But, Sarge, it's the truth!
Don't you believe me?

Well, now, let me see.

First it's a Martian invasion,
then a zombie fry cook.

Now it's the Abominable Snowman.

Who's going to be after you next,
the Loch Ness Monster?

Naw. I hear he's gone into politics.

I told you I didn't want to see
any more of this garbage!

Well, actually, Sergeant,

I did sort of, uh, see
the Abominable Snowman.

You, too?

It seemed pretty real.

If this stuff is real, how come none
of the other newspapers run it?

You know, I posed that very same question
just the other day.

I don't want to see one more
picture of you in one more tabloid!

But, Sarge--

And I'm holding you personally
responsible!

One more mix-up, and you'll be
sharpening pencils!

Typical disbeliever syndrome.

Probably stems from an unhappy childhood.

[Miranda] Those stories only show up
in The National Trash!

And there's gotta be a reason for that.

[Bonkers] Probably because
it's a high-tech,

state-of-the-art news-gathering
organization.

Ah, visitors!

I must write them a proper greeting.

Did I ever tell you, I was there
during the blackout.

It was so dark, I had to use
a fluorescent typewriter ribbon.

I have a news flash for you, Hildy.

Another one? [giggles]
You've sure got a nose for news, boss.

They must be closed.

Miranda, this is a major
news-gathering source

for millions of readers. They never close.

See?

Blaah!

What is this thing?

[Bonkers] It looks like a giant
South American sewer squid.

[Miranda] A what?

Don't you ever read, Miranda?

It was The National Trash
cover story last month.

A loyal reader. How nice.

It's a shame I'll have to lose
a good customer.

I know you.

You're Lilith DuPrave, Owner, Editor,

and Chief Executive Officer
of The National Trash!

And on Sundays I make the deliveries.

I have just one question.

Yes?

How 'bout an autograph?

I'm your biggest fan!

What do you think you're doing, DuPrave?

I'm just trying to make a living, dear.

Is there a problem with that?

There is when it means destroying
my partner.

Your partner is putting me
out of business.

Ever since he came along,
it's been impossible

to write anything more outlandish
than his own outlandish life!

Someone who pays attention! I love that!

Of course I pay attention!

My sales have plummeted because of you!

So there really were Martians
and snowmen and zombies.

And you set it all up!

Told you it really happened.

But how did you pull it off?

With the help of my writing partner...

Hildy.

[snoring]

Hildy is a very special typewriter.

Anything she types becomes real.

Anything she types becomes real?

Anything.

Get out of town.

No way could she type up a giant
North African tree toad.

News flash, Hildy.

"Just in. Reported sighting
of a giant North African tree toad."

Don't worry, Miranda.

If there's one thing

a giant South American
sewer squid can't stand,

it's a giant North African tree toad!

Very clever, officer.

But there's more news
where that came from.

News flash, Hildy!

"Cartoon cop rocked to death."

Oh, dear. There's so much bad news
these days, isn't there?

What are they, Bonkers?

They can only be one thing,
bad Elvis impersonators!

[singing]

Painful, aren't they?

I can't take it!

If we can only make it to the door.

Come on, Bonkers!

In here, Miranda.

Uh, bad idea, Bonkers.

[Lilith laughing] Welcome to my file room.

[laughing]

This is where I keep all the stories
I've created over the years.

Wow, where do you find all
this neat stuff to write about?

Find? Why, I make it up, you imbecile!

You mean, they're lies?

Sorry, Bonkers. The truth can be painful.

There is a bright side.

Big Foot's not my father.

There you are, boss.

Bonkers, this way!

News flash, Hildy!

"Flying saucer returns!"

Ooh-hoo! I'll get right on it, boss.

This way, Miranda!

Abominable Snowman
desperately seeking Bobcat!

Hot off the presses!

[growling]

"Zombie vows revenge!"

[Hildy] Comin' up!

There's no place to hide
when I control reality.

[roaring]

News flash, Hildy!
"Burger Bob turns to stone!"

Oh, thank goodness for justice.

You know, too many of these lawbreakers

get away scot-free as it is.

You old fool, you type only my lies!

Sorry, boss, I didn't mean to--

your what, boss?

Uh, my stories, Hildy.

The news flashes. The big scoops.

Didn't you know she was
using you to type lies?

You mean, lie, as in falsehood?
Fabrication? Fibbing?

I don't write lies.

Quiet, you naive little nothin'!

It's time to write an alternate ending
to Mr. Bonkers' story.

You're going to make the cover
of every tabloid on the planet!

News flash, Hildy.

"Bigfoot's back in town."

[screeching]

Hello, friends,
do you look like a cue ball?

Well, those days are over!

Oh, no, the advertising section!
Don't tell me!

Afraid so, Bonkers. They're lies too.

With just one dab of super sprout,

you can look like this!

[jingle bell music playing]

[announcer] Are your salads a sad sight?

Are onions your undoing?
Ever been squashed by squash?

Well, here's the answer to
all your cooking problems.

Yes, it's ultra-blade!

It slices! It dices!

It can even be used to ice a cake!

[stammering]

[growling]

[gasp] I'm through!

You're not going to use me
for any more lies!

What do you think you're doing,
you pile of junk?

You'll type only when I tell you to type.

Yeow!

What is it?

You silly machine! What have you done?

I've created the one thing
you can't fight.

It's the truth!

[Lilith] Nooo!

The truth shall set you free.

[Lilith] My lies!

My wonderful lies!

Oh, lying is a very bad thing.

You can't stop me!

There is no power greater
than the power of a lie!

Honesty is the best policy.

[screaming]

News flash! "Tabloid publisher drop-kicked
by truth," and that's no lie.

Uh, excuse me. When you
were getting rid of the lies,

you forgot one.

Remember? Bigfoot?

[Truth] Oh, he's real.

There really is a bigfoot?

I'm awfully sorry.

Us too.

[whimpering]

[sniffing]

Sonny boy!

[Miranda] Bonkers!

What?

Bonkers, do you hear me?

He really is my father!

Bonkers, you've been reading that thing
for the past 20 minutes.

Now, put that down and help me
write a few parking tickets, will you?

Sure, sure, sure, but you've got to read
this incredible article, Miranda.

It's all about me

and this talking typewriter
and flying saucers,

and, of course, my dad, and--

you can't believe everything
you read, Bonkers.

Am I to believe that I am in the presence
of an unbeliever,

a doubting Miranda?

Cancel your subscription to the times,
and start reading some hard news.

You might learn something,

like they do have
a top 40 in the afterlife.

[Miranda] Uh-huh?

And the human lightning rod
lives in Cleveland.

Sure, Bonkers.

And Turtle Boy's a vegetarian!

[theme song playing]