01x23 - I Oughta Be in Toons

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[Mickey mouse humming]

[Mickey] Huh? Huh?

[Mickey] Oh, my. Silly me.

Must have overloaded the circuits again.

Ah... that's better.

-[Mickey laughs nervously]
-[sinister laugh]

[Mickey] No! It can't be! Help!

[evil laughter]

-[Mickey] Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
-[muffled screaming]

[maniacal laugh]

[Bonkers] Oh no! Say it isn't so.

How could the most famous toon
in the world just disappear?

Call out the militia, call out
the forest rangers, the rescue rangers!

Call the boy scouts,
the girl scouts, the cub scouts.

Bonkers, they called the cops. That's us.

Oh, yeah.

Nuts. I was really looking forward
to working with those scouts.

I was a scout you know. Learned to cook
and camp, and survive the wilds.

I remember once on a nature hike,
came face to face with a ferocious bobcat.

-[chief screams]
-[Bonkers screams]

Ah, can we get on with this, sir?

Of course. Where was I?

The bobcat.

Eh, the mouse.

Oh, yes, the mouse.

His studio is panicked.
They can't find their star.

Rumor has it was he was going
to sign with another studio.

Yeah, well we're on it chief.
We'll have him back 'fore you know it.

[Lucky] Oh, this is my big chance.

I solve this baby
and I go right to the top.

Lucky, this isn't just any
toon mouse, you know.

This is the most famous toon in the world.

Yeah, maybe you're right... for once.

Well, you're the toon expert.
Where do we start?

We'll begin at the place a toon
always likes best.

Where's that, pray tell?

Where he could get the most laughs.
Where he's appreciated and wanted.

Okay, so we know he's not at my house.
Now, where does that leave us?

The competition, Corkscrew studio,
you old kidder, you.

[Lucky] I knew that.

[man] As you can see, officers,
we redecorated to welcome our new star,

but he hasn't shown up yet.

The mouse decor was my idea.

And brilliant. It's fun, yet restful.

Oh, yes. Of course. Of course,
the mouse is our brand-new beginning.

Not now. I told you not
to talk about all this.

[both gulp]

That's right. Of course you did.
Yes, you did.

Not now? Oh, yes, not now.
That's exactly right.

That's what you said.

Stifle!

As you can see, officers, we're quite
distraught over this disappearance.

Yes, I can see that, all right.

It's amazing to see movie executives
showing any kind of emotion at all.

Stifle.

We know our new star's being
held against his will

because he's scheduled
to sign his new contract.

Wow! Only a dim bulb would run away
from a deal like this.

So it's up to you, gentlemen, to save our
star from whatever evil has befallen him

and in doing so, save Corkscrew as well.

You can count on us, sir.

Now, how do you suggest we find the mouse?

Well, he's obviously been kidnapped,

so we just wait for the ransom note.

[deep voice] There won't
be any ransom note.

-Huh?
-Huh?

I said there won't be any ransom note.

-Who are you?
-Lucky!

Don't tell me you don't
recognize Babyface.

One of the most famous and obnoxious
child stars of all time?

So what are you doing mopping floors?

Allow me, Babyface.

According to the tabloids,
he grew so large and ill-mannered.

People would rather dance bare
footed on the surface of the sun

than ever work with him again.

Does that about cover it, Babyface?

I'll take that as an affirmative.

What I want to know is why you're so sure
there won't be any ransom note?

I've worked in this business
from the top to the bottom.

I know every trick in the book.
This is nothing but a publicity stunt.

Are you accusifying the fine and
the most famous toon in history

and my personal hero

of perpetuating a lowdown,
sneaky, slimy hoax?

It's a dirty business.

I oughtta know because
I clean up after it.

I bet that mouse is home right now
waiting for the story to break

and giggling that squeaky giggle of his.

You're not fit to shine the mouse's tail.

Well that's telling him. Come on Bonkers.

Okay. Where are... we... going?

Can't believe I'm gonna say this.
Mouse mansion.

You don't believe that guy, do you, Lucky?

We're cops! We're supposed
to check out every lead,

no matter how thin it seems.

Besides, it'll give us something to do

while we wait for the ransom note
that might not be delivered.

[thunder claps]

[Lucky] Eerie place for the
happiest toon on earth to live.

It's eerie because the mouse
isn't here to make it happy.

-Yeah, well, we'll soon see.
-[doorbell squeaks]

Maybe the doorbell's what drove him away.

[deep voice] Who is it?

[high voice] I mean, who is it? [chuckles]

Must have a frog in his throat.

Frog? Sounds like the whole swamp.

Police. Is that you, Mr. Mouse?

Police? Oh, goody. Please, come in.

[high voice] Please excuse the dark,
but I'm afraid to turn on the lights.

Yeah, well, that's okay Mr. Mouse,
we're used to being in the dark.

That's the Mouse?

[Lucky] Of course it's him.

Look at those ears, the shoes,
the three fingers, the shorts.

For goodness sake. Who else would it be?

Well, maybe we can turn on the lights
and take a good look.

[deep voice] No!

[high voice] I mean no,
if you turn on the lights they'll get me.

Who'll get you?

I'm signing with a new studio,

and my old studio will stop
at nothing to get me back.

You have to protect me till
I sign that contract.

It's your duty.

Pack of cutthroats, eh? Heh! I bet.

[deep voice] What's the matter
with you fuzzy? Don't you believe me?

Well, of course
he believes you, Mr. Mouse.

Tell you what, just give us a second
here and we'll take care of everything.

What are you doing? Don't you know
better than to upset my promotion--

I mean, upset a big star?

Oh sorry Lucky, but there's
something about this guy.

I wish I could get a good look at him.

Look, I'll take care of things here.

Why don't you go check it all out?
You know, real detective stuff.

[Bonkers] All by my lonesome self?

Frightening, isn't it?

I'll get right
to the bottom of this, Lucky.

Yeah right, bottom. Bye!

Uh, take your time.

Don't worry about a thing,
Lucky. I'm on the job!

I'm gonna talk to the grapevine.
They know everything.

-Why does that not put my mind at ease?
-[smack]

Well, what do you say flatfoot?
Let's go sign that contract.

We can't do that till morning and stuff.

I'll take you downtown till
we know for sure it's cool.

Downtown?

You mean police headquarters?

Where all the criminals are kept
under those bright lights?

That's the last place I'll be safe.

Well you can't stay here.
If we found you, anyone can.

So you live in a nice neighborhood?

[rooster crowing]

[yawns]

Well, sun's up. It's time to be a-raisin'.

-Get it? Because we're sunning.
-[laughing]

I love this guy!

Wait, wait, wait. It looks
like it's gonna be a grape day.

[laughing]

It's a vine time to be alive.

[laughing]
I can't believe it. Give me a kiss.

-[grape 1] Hey.
-[grape 2] What is this?

You make a better door
than a window, sweet cheeks.

You have to help me fellas.

The mouse in the house doesn't
seem like the right critter.

But why come to us?

The answer's right where you left it.

Where's that?

The house of the mouse.

Hey, I'm a poet.

[laughing]

I'll check it out. Thanks a bunch.

-Bunch?
-[laughing]

[dog barking]

[mouse] Is this the only
kind of mustard you got?

Got any piquel's, pickle?

[laughing and gagging]

Boy, am I funny.

[belches]

That's the famous toon mouse?

Ah, Dyl, honey,
he's a little out of sorts.

He's been through a terrible ordeal.

He looks like it.

Dad, something's not right
about that mouse.

Don't you think he's a little big?

Well what do you expect?
Look how much he eats.

Don't bring that up, honey.
You're sounding like Bonkers.

At least he's not around.

[Bonkers] Heh, it's amazing how
frightening a place can appear,

even when you know it's empty
and absolutely harmless. [chuckles]

[door screeching]

I mean, what is there to be afraid of,
in the home of the happiest toon on earth?

Wow, a private viewing of my idol's house.

This is a dream come true.

It makes me wish I had
someone to share it with.

Uh-oh.

[growls and snarls]

[nervous laughter] Nice doggie.

Now, what do you think a big, bad,
mean old dog like me does

when he finds a trespasser
on his boss' property?

Hold on just one itsy bitsy,
teeny weeny second here.

Anyone who knows anything
at all about the mouse

knows that his dog is an orange,
clumsy, string bean of a dog

with a heart of gold,
and brother, that's not you.

Ow.

That was the old mouse's dog.

I belong to the new mouse.

-New mouse?
-Correct.

He promised I'd be a star
if I kept a certain toon under wraps

till a certain contract got signed.

Really? Well, thank you for sharing that.

And now that you made everything
so abundantly clear,

I guess you'll just simply
let me go on about my business.

-Uh-uh.
-Ohh.

I was afraid of that.

No way. No how. Not now, not ever!

Nobody can hold me prisoner.

[Mickey's voice] That's what I said.

-Who said that?
-I did.

Ooh!

Is that really you? Oh, my gosh.
I'm your biggest fan.

Shake.

Gee, this is really
an honor, your mouseness.

Boy, you have a lot shorter fingers
than I thought you would.

You shook hands with my foot.

I touched the mouse's foot.

Why are they keeping you in there?

Ah, no big deal.
I've been in tighter jams.

But we've got to stop that impostor.

We have to get you out of there.

[Mickey] If he signs that contract,
Corkscrew Studio will never let me out,

and my studio will be ruined.

I knew you'd never leave Disney Studio.

I have an idea.

Hold it. Hold it. Tut, tut!

You may be the most famous
toon in the world,

but I am a trained police officer.

If anyone can figure
a way out of here, I can!

[comical straining noises]

-[ding]
-I have an idea.

Let's do your idea.

Now, what'd you have in mind?

[Mickey] Okay, all we have to do is...
[whispering]

-[smash]
-[glass breaks]

-[telephone rings]
-Nice shot.

Hello? Oh, yes, Chief.

Yes, Chief. Right away, sir.

Oh, my house!

[deep voice] Nasty slice, huh boss?
I'll guess I'll have to work on that.

What's for lunch?

-Lucky.
-It's okay.

I'm taking him to Corkscrew
Studio, chief's orders.

Aren't you gonna wait for Bonkers, dad?

Well, I've got my orders. Your mother--
I mean, the Chief wants him out now,

but I wonder what that whirlwind is up to.

[Bonkers] Ooh! You would've
made a great cop.

[Mickey chuckles]
Thanks. Let's get started.

I don't care what you say.

That bulldog's too dumb
to ever be a movie star.

Of course, that's just one toon's opinion.

Well, I think he can do it.

See? He thinks I can do it.

Why, I'll bet he can
do anything my dog could do.

Sure I can. Just give me a try.
Come on, try me I tell ya, come on.

All right, sit up and beg.

I can do that.

Roll over, boy. Roll over.

Piece of cake.

Okay, here's a hard one.

Play dead.

Uh, okay.

How's this?

Fine. Now keep your eyes closed
and don't move a muscle.

[Mickey] Boy, you really know how
to play dead. Good boy!

That dog's got a great future
as a network executive.

-[tires squealing]
-[Bonkers] I have to get to Lucky, fast.

[crickets chirp]

Gained a little weight, haven't we?

Nothing but good, clean living.

[laughs and coughs]

Ahem. Well, it should help the common man
identify with his, uh, maturity.

Who is this guy?

Yes, sir. Sorry sir.
That's detective Pickle.

Piquel.

He's the one you asked
to find him, remember?

[chuckles] Of course I remember.

I'm the boss, aren't I?
I remember everything.

Too bad he didn't find him
before he changed sizes.

-Well, uh, wardrobe--
-Wardrobe can handle that, yes.

-Yes, absolutely, sir...
-There's really no problem...

Hey, you have any coffee around here?

[belch]

What about his voice?

Guh, dubbing! We can fix
that with dubbing, sir.

Oh please, he's gotten so ugly.
Wardrobe can't hide that.

Well, we'll disguise him with
camera angles, sir.

No one will know the difference.
We did it with--

I just-- uh, wait...
I do not know about this, alright.

Sir, with all due respect,
we start sh**ting tomorrow, sir.

Oh, alright.

Alright! Let's sign this puppy.

Not so fast.

There are some technicalities
we have to take care of first.

Technicalities? What technicalities?

Well, we-- we have to do dinner first.

Oh, absolutely. Talk concepts, ideas.

Listen, there's a great deal of job
justifying that has to go on around here.

Dinner, huh? Then we sign.

Right after the eats.

You know how to get
out of here, right Pickle?

That's Piquel.

Gorge yourself. My promotion's in the bag.

[Dyl] The rat's not here, Bonkers.
Lucky took him to the studio.

[Bonkers] Nooo!

Oh, my goodness, oh, my gosh.
Oh, my goodness, oh, my gosh.

Oh, my goodness, oh, my gosh.
How could he? How could he? How could he?

[brakes squeal] He's back.

Just came from Corkscrew Studios.

I can practically smell my promotion.
[chuckles]

Anyone heard from Bonkers?

What are you doing behind
that door, Bonkman?

Nevermind, nevermind.
I got good news and I got bad news.

First, the bad news.

You were wrong about the mouse.

Now for the good news.
I took him to the studio

and they sign the contract
right after dinner.

The chief will be very impressed.

Yeah? Well, I've got some news, too.

First, the bad news.

Your mouse is an impostor.

What's the good news?

There isn't any good news.

-I'm sunk.
-Unless...

we have to go to Corkscrew
and unmask the impostor.

Bonkers, that's the best-guarded
studio in the world.

And we're the best cops in the world.

Here's my plan.
[whispering] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper.

-But, there's got to be a better--
-There it is. Let's go.

Come on. We've only got a minute.

I'm getting too old for this.

[guard] Uh, looks okay.
Just a bunch of dummies.

-Great idea, Bonkers.
-Thanks, Lucky.

For a while there,
I thought you didn't like it.

Look!

Hey, we want to talk to you!

Oh, rats.

Who are these people?

Get rid of these clowns.
We've no time for this.

-[both stammering]
-Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

We're police officers!

Well, you're certainly not
dressed like any police

I've ever seen. Show me your badges.

I guess I left 'em in my street clothes.

While you straighten all this out,
I'll just go and sign that contract.

Stop in the name of the law, you impostor.

[grunts]

[Bonkers] Lucky, grab his tail!

Gotcha!

Oh! You skinned the mouse.

No, I didn't skin the-- he's an impostor.

Oh, yeah. Oof! Well, thanks, officers.
We-- we almost made a big mistake.

Yeah, well I'm signing that contract
and no one's going to stop me.

Stop him! If that ham signs the contract,

we'll be obligated to make
even worse movies than usual.

Anything but that. Come on, Bonkers.

There's no stopping me now. [laughs]

[maniacal laugh]

Hey, no fair.

[Babyface] Come back here!

That's my line.

Oops. Come here, gimme that.
I'll be a star again.

Look ma, I'm on top of the world,
silver screen! Here I come!

Ooh! Missed it.

Got it! Ooh, no. Missed it.

Got it.

I got it! I got it!

I'm going to be a movie star again.

Lucky, we're not gonna make it.

[laughing]

Hey!

-I'll take that.
-No. Wait.

That's mine. [crying]

[Mickey] Huh? What's this?

He's much more fun
to work for than you are.

[Mickey] Aw, thanks, fella.

-Good doggie.
-Hey, nice going, Pooch.

Yeah. You really wrapped up this case.

Uh, just one more little thing.

Name it, sir. We're here to serve.

Get me out of here!

[Kanifky] Pickle, I've got good news
and bad news for you.

Which do you wanna hear first?

-[Lucky] The bad.
-[Bonkers] The good.

It's best to hear the good news first

'cause then the bad news
doesn't seem so bad.

I want the bad news first and then
the good news makes up for it.

Never mind, you two.
I'll just tell you outright.

Disney is ecstatic that the mouse
is safe and back home.

Well, that ought to assure
a promotion for a certain detective.

But I am not so happy.

Oh, this must be the bad news.

How is it that a detective
on my police force

couldn't detect such a poor disguise?

Um, oh, that's--
that's a good question, sir.

Oh, he knew it all the time.

-What?
-What?

That was his plan.

We had to keep that Babyface distracted
till we could find the real mouse,

turn the tables on him, and pull
his tail out from under him... off him.

See?

[whispering] Help me out here, will ya'?

Well, I did pull the tail.

So you did. Yes.

Disgusting-looking thing.

Well, then, you can keep your jobs.
Now get back to work.

Whew! That was close.

Here, Lucky.
The mouse was so appreciative,

we wanted you to have these.

What do I want with these things?
I'll just give 'em to Marilyn.

Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say.

Well, back to the streets.

[giggles]

[theme music playing]