01x08 - Il Mostro Del Sesso

[bunniefuu]

[THE JACK MOVES' "THIS TIME"]

♪ Ooh, this time ♪

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[MOANS SOFTLY]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, Isaac.

Ruby.

[MOANING] Mm.

Mm, sorry.

Mm, something's, like, chafing me.

Is that a zipper? A button-fly?

[CHUCKLING] It's buttons
you said I can't open.

You can't.

Mine are the thickest
denim I could find.

These are an extra-large boys' husky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my cousin's son

has a pair of those.

Mm, and I can't even go down on you

because all the women I was with

are dead, so I can't even use my mouth.

But yours is OK.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hold on.
- I'm kidding.

It might not be safe.
Unless you want to chance it?

Kidding again. I can't stop kidding.

[LAUGHS] Do it.

[LAUGHTER]

Kidding.

- Or am I? Ugh.
- Yeah.

I think making out
might actually be worse

than just not making out.

But that was still good, though, right?

I mean, jean-on-jean dry humping

is more than enough.

We could totally do this forever

- and be completely satisfied.
- Yeah.

It might be better than actual sex

because you always
want more, and wanting

something you can
never have feels great.

Mm-hmm.

So this is what being

in a healthy relationship feels like.

Yeah, no, I'm in actual pain.

If you don't put a shirt on,
I'm gonna rip my vag*na off...

It's like a real intense stomach ache.

And throw it at the ceiling fan.

I don't know what to do.

AJ is right.

It's selfish of me to just
immediately transfer the hex,

but I can't live like this
for the rest of my life.

But I have to because I need to learn

what love is without sex,

because I am becoming a better person,

and this is what all that feels like.

Mildly proud of myself and a
hot throbbing in my private.

All right.

I think the dye from our
jeans stained my sheets.

I'm gonna get going.

I have so much work I need to
do tonight before the party.

My parents are excited
to meet you tonight.

As your party planner?

And maybe more.

I might have told them a lot about you.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, OK.

I mean, I want them to love
the party and now also me.

They're going to love you.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna need a minute.

Actually, thinking about my parents

might help me right now.

Oh, yeah, maybe that'll
work for me, too.

Oof. Mm.

Nope. Hot throb still there.

Must be a different science.

[JAMES' "LAID"]

♪ This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪

♪ The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪

♪ But she only comes
when she's on top ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ My therapist said
not to see you no more ♪

♪ She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪

♪ She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Ah, you think you're so pretty ♪

♪ ♪

And it gets great mileage,
so perfect for long commutes

or road trips if you two wanna get away.

And, uh... um...

[SIGHS]

It also has 360-degree
cameras to let you know

if there's anything dangerous
around, like a woman.

OK, yeah. Just think it over.

I understand. And
remember, it's not a race.

It's a Toyotathon.

To be clear, that...
that's not official Toyota.

That... that one's just me.
I have to pitch it to Gene still.

- Hey.
- Hi.

How's it going?

Um, well, you know, you
just made me lose a sale,

- so...
- How did I make you lose...

- What do you want, Ruby?
- Nothing.

Just stopping by to say thanks

for taking care of Ruby
Hot Sauce last night.

I'm sorry I left like that.

It was just... I mean, that speech...

- Which one?
- The one Isaac gave me.

I mean, it was incredible.
I mean, you even said it.

Those were the words
I've been wanting to hear.

I was like, "I can't even
believe this is happening."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, OK?

It's romantic. You're a romantic.

But you know what, Ruby?

You just want people to entertain you,

rip their hearts out
of their chest for you,

and then you decide how you feel.

And you do nothing. You make no moves.

You just sit back and
watch the show, like...

like a coward.

Why are you so mad?

Did you start your day
only watching four hours

of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"?

A man who watches Bravo is a strong man.

And I'm not mad.

I'm just saying what I see.

Are you... wait, you're
not, like, jealous, are you?

- Jealous?
- Yeah.

No, I'm not jealous. Jealous of what?

Your ugly leather pants?

Why the f*ck do you...

That's a "Housewives" reference.

Well, am I jealous that
he gets to be with you,

that he gets this mess? No, no, thanks.

Look, I am sorry if I upset you.

- I really...
- I'm not upset.

You didn't upset me.

We were both using each other, right?

For Cyrano sex? That was the deal?

You're right. That was the deal.

And since you have now chosen

jean-on-jean dry humping with Isaac...

Whoa. How did you know that?

Because you rubbed a patch
of color off on your jeans.

These are a child's jeans
if it makes it less gross.

Since you've chosen to do that,

that also means you've chosen
not to transfer the hex,

so sounds like you
don't need me anymore.

Pick up your sh*t and your dog,

and please replace the
box of Honey Nut Cheerios

that you demolished the other night

while watching "Love is Blind."

Richie, are you sure
there isn't something more

you want to say to me?

I told you everything I want to say.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some Toyotas to move,

which should be really easy,
because they're great cars,

safe and reliable,
two things you're not.

OK, first, I didn't want
you to see the Honey Nuts,

which is why I fisted
the box all the way

to the bottom of the
trash. Second, f*ck off.

Looking forward to going back
to not remembering who you are.

So then that's when
the 19th person died.

And, uh, yeah.

I think that about covers it.

Now you know everything.

What the f*ck?

Dr. Deborah.

How many people were dead last session

when you talked about
meeting a cute client?

Uh, 17?

OK, look, we were
making so much progress

on my past baggage and
my... my father issues

that I didn't want to slow us down.



Well, I finally wrote
that letter to my dad.

I didn't send it yet,
but... but I do want to.

So I should get some credit
for that, shouldn't I?

Why are you telling me all this now?

Because I am actually trying
to finally do the work.

I decided to keep the hex
because I am being selfless

since AJ thinks it's selfish of me

to just try and transfer
it, which is the last thing

AJ will ever say to me
because she'll never forgive me

- for sleeping with her boyfriend, Zack.
- Jesus Christ.

So I'm keeping the hex
because it is the right thing

to do, but now I don't
know how to navigate

this whole jean-on-jean
dry hump relationship

with Isaac, so I need
your advice on that,

too, because I don't know.

I don't think I'm going to be satisfied

just getting eaten out
for all of eternity,

if he's even good at that

because sometimes that's just
not something you can teach.

And now I can't even talk
to Richie, which is fine.

Honestly, f*ck that guy.

I mean, he's mad at me for what?

For crashing at his apartment
and... and using him?

But weren't we using each other?

Like, I mean, yeah, sure,
I used his body as a vessel

to sleep with Isaac, but he f*cked

- Kristin Chenoweth through me.
- Sorry, who is Richie?

Oh, Richie, my sex loophole.
The one who didn't die.

Oh, good. Someone didn't die.

OK, and why are you
talking about this guy now?

I don't know, Debra.

I don't have the answers
because I plan parties.

I come here for your help.

I just hope I can at least figure out

what the f*ck is wrong with me.

- [SIGHS]
- [SNIFFS]

I hate it when you close your pad.

Ruby, I think we've reached
the end of our relationship.

You need help.

I just don't think I can help you.

Wait.

You can just do that?

And if you could just sign right here,

that is a termination of care form.

You're now released as my patient,

and I can say anything I want to you.

You talk about how much you want things,

you know, the big romantic declarations,

the grand gestures,
the kiss in the rain.

I got that one, by the way.

You're constantly focusing on yourself

and what you can get, but do you know

what would be a real grand gesture?

Thinking of someone else for once.

You know, maybe just take one minute

out of your day to actually consider

- the person you love most.
- Right.

And that is?

How the f*ck do I know?

You're asking me who you love?

Ask yourself. Who do I love?

Uh, my guess is the answer will be me,

Ruby, and no one else because I blow.

And you really do. You blow so hard.

[PRINTER WHIRRING]

That's your final invoice.

Sorry the printer is so loud.

A guy is coming to look at it tomorrow.

Please welcome Amanda Knox.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'm Amanda Knox.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

And I'm here because
this is my last hour

of community service.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

So Ruby hasn't come by to pick up,

well, any of her sh*t, so
I thought I'd drop it off

and hope that Ruby Hot Sauce's cute face

would convince you to accept it.

Wait, she just bailed and left you

with an actual living being?

Yeah. Whatever.

I just can't believe I
fell for her sh*t again.

I don't mean... you know,
I don't mean I fell for her.

- I just mean that...
- Hey. Oh, hey.

Sorry, I didn't see you there. Um...

What are you doing here, Zack?

Just here to give you this.

I drew all those hearts
and the one little p*nis.

A picture of the 1998 Rockettes signed

by all the... yikes...
surviving members.

I, uh, saw the Rockettes at Radio City

with my mom when I was seven.

I actually ran up to
one of them and said,

"Can you put your leg
way up high in the air

- so I can dangle from it?"
- Aww.

[CHUCKLES] [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm not sure how you did this

since you thought Rockettes
were female Flintstones.

That makes perfect sense to me.

Right?

Zack, nothing you can do
will make me forgive you.

AJ, I'm not gonna stop trying.

Well, maybe you should.

[BILLIE EILISH'S "THE DINER"]

♪ ♪

♪ Don't be afraid of me ♪

You're listening to "Sheet Music

for the Spiritual Adult,"
where we explore types

of love that aren't physical.

For this next exercise,
I want you to ask

your partner what they're scared of,

and then deeply, intensely,

erotically, listen.

So great.

♪ I'm here around the clock ♪

♪ I'm waitin' on your block ♪

♪ But please don't call the cops ♪

♪ They'll make me stop,
and I just wanna talk ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Bet I could change your life ♪

♪ You could be my wife ♪

♪ Could get into a fight ♪

Great, she didn't pick up her sh*t,

- her dog, or her letter.
- Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

I, uh... I think I
owe you an explanation.

[CHUCKLES]

Not me agreeing hard as ba*ls with you.

♪ I waited on the corner
till I saw the sitter leave ♪

♪ Was easy getting over
and I landed on my feet ♪

♪ I came in through the kitchen ♪

♪ Looking for something to eat ♪

♪ I left a calling card ♪

♪ So they would know that it was me ♪

We've discussed this.
You can't have wine.

Maybe I'll give you a little later.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Singing telegram for AJ.

God damn it, Zach.

♪ Dear sweetest girl, my AJ ♪

♪ There's a drum beat in my chest ♪

♪ My mind is fully racing ♪

♪ Hoping for the best ♪

♪ Please meet me at this restaurant ♪

♪ A surprise beyond compare ♪

♪ Take this note, my darling ♪

♪ I hope to see you there ♪

[SIGHS] What?

Wait, what is this?

♪ I have no further information ♪

♪ So please don't try to ask ♪

♪ I am just a messenger
from the rabbit task ♪

♪ The details on the paper
I hope you're gonna show ♪

♪ The reservations under
Raffaele Sollecito ♪

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, everyone good? Everyone good?

Hey.

Make sure you guys get
something to eat, OK?

A big fat shrimp c*ck maybe?

Allergic to seafood.

I've written many songs about it.

And I love them all.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

Hey.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

Oh, Ruby. [CHUCKLES]

We've heard so much about you.

Everything looks so beautiful.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

It's wonderful. [CHUCKLES]

We couldn't have asked for more.

Aw. [CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKS PORTUGUESE]

Well, I couldn't have asked for more

in this son you raised here.

Seriously, he's perfect.

♪ ♪

No notes.

[CHUCKLES] Those abs?

You made those abs.

[LAUGHS] He's like a rock climbing gym.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I have to go do a dove check.

I heard the birds can get triggered

if they hear confusing sounds,

and there's an unhinged
man outside screaming,

"Bring back Nurse Jackie!"

- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES] Excuse me.

We'll see you in a bit.

[BOTH SPEAKING PORTUGUESE]

[MELLOW JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hi, I'm supposed to meet someone here

under the name Raffaele Sollecito?

Yes, right this way.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

♪ ♪

Amanda Knox?

Holy f*cking sh*t!

Hi, AJ.

Um, it's great to meet you.

What? I'm a piece of sh*t.

It's great to meet you. f*ck.

I should have known.

Raffaele Sollecito, your boyfriend

during your year abroad and
other things that happened.

And how is this possible?

It was actually your boyfriend, Zack.

He said you always say,
"If I could just have

one hour with Amanda Knox."

Well, I'm Amanda Knox,
and you have one hour.

OK, so you were in literal jail

for a m*rder you did not do.

Like, um, talk about that.

[SIGHS] OK, um...

yeah, I don't recommend it.

♪ If they asked me ♪

♪ I could write a book ♪

♪ About the way you walk ♪

♪ And whisper and look ♪

♪ I could write a preface ♪

♪ On how we met ♪

♪ So the world ♪

♪ Would never forget ♪

♪ And the simple... ♪

Thank you.

This was a dream come true.

Don't thank me. Thank Zack.

You have a really great boyfriend.

And I hope you don't
mind me saying this,

but learn from me, AJ.

Sometimes you really never know
what you have until it's gone.

I'm sorry.

This is literally the
worst thing I've ever said,

but, Amanda Knox, I have to go.

Wait. You're my alibi for tonight.

Just kidding. [LAUGHS]

Go.

Three people have already
tweeted that I'm here.

[LAUGHS] OK.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Um, I care about you deeply.
- OK.

[LAUGHS] Bye.

Yeah, OK.

Oh, OK.

Yeah. Great.

[LAUGHS]

- You smell really good.
- Oh.

Thank you.

[SADE'S "NO ORDINARY LOVE"]

♪ ♪

♪ I gave you all the love I got ♪

♪ I gave you more than I could give ♪

♪ Gave you love ♪

♪ I gave you all that I have inside ♪

♪ And you took my love ♪

♪ You took my love ♪

♪ This is no ordinary love ♪

[DOOR RATTLING]

Ah, now look who doesn't have her key.

♪ ♪

- Jill.
- I got your mail again!

Were you just trying to
get into this apartment?

Yes, to throw your mails in your foyer!

- Turn down your music.
- Can you turn down the sun?

You know? The sun tells you
how bright it wants to be,

and Sade tells you how
loud she wants to sing.

- [SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS]

♪ ♪

♪ This is no ordinary love ♪

♪ No ordinary love ♪

♪ ♪

Ruby!

What are you doing here?

I know it was you.

Rafaelle Sollecito?

What? Uh, no, it wasn't me.

- It was Zack.
- No.

You gave me a puzzle to solve.

You didn't want me to know it was you.

Only you know me well enough to do that.

Only you would do
something like that for me.

No, but you weren't supposed
to find out it was me.

It doesn't count if you know I did it.

- Besides, it was just a...
- A grand f*cking gesture.

And the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

AJ, I know it doesn't
make up for what I did.

Nothing ever will.

But I am trying.

And I know Zack is trying too.

You know, for someone who is
always saying "I love love,"

I really don't know anything about it,

except I do know I
wanted to do something

for the person I love most,

and the person I love most is you.

♪ ♪

I love you, AJ.

♪ ♪

I love you.

♪ ♪

I guess we're stuck with each other.

I guess we are.

But, look, I'm sorry, too.

I didn't mean what I said before.

You have to transfer the hex.

You cannot live like this forever.

Did I hear we're transferring the hex?

I think that's good. I
think that's right to do.

I think... is that something
we could do, like, now?

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

You deserve to be happy.

Also, I don't want Zack to die.

Sure, I'm mad at him 85% of the time,

but he and I were
broken up, and I did give

lots of hand jobs to that cellist.

Like, I couldn't text for two days.

Also, I love him like crazy.

I know you do.

And, luckily, there are a few people

in front of Zack on the sex timeline,

so we still have a little time.

[COUGHING]

[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC]

Oh, no.

♪ ♪

Brett. Brett.

♪ ♪

Seafood allergy.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

So I guess you...

f*cked all of the band. Yeah.

It was during the summer they
toured with Kelly Clarkson,

but then Brett and his
two less assertive friends

went back to doing their own thing.

Did they die in the...

Order I slept with them?

Yeah.

Wait, no.

Yeah. [WHISTLE TWEETS]

[WINGS FLUTTERING]

Bats!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

So Bad-Sex-Spotify-Ads Jason

is the only one left before Zack.

But it's OK. It's OK.

It's not like you're the
very next person, right?

There's one person, then you.

Does this mean we're back together?

Yes, forever.

I mean, that might mean,
like, a week, but I hope not.

But, yes, for all of that week.

OK, so who should Ruby
transfer the hex to?

Because we need to... hey,
we need to decide fast.

I don't know.

What about your dolphin ex-girlfriend?

She sounded like a real turd.

No, because that would
mean Isaac would die.

Remember, it's not the person.

It's everyone the person has slept with.

How about Brad?

I can't imagine anyone's
ever had sex with Brad.

Mm-mm, he told me tonight
that his girlfriend is pregnant,

and he did such a nice job at the event.

Oh, uh, James Corden?

He was mean to, like,
a bunch of waiters.

[GASPS] Robert Durst.

Didn't he die in jail?

Oh, my God, he did. I forgot.

What about Greta Thunberg?
She's that smart kid.

I just don't like it when
kids are smart. Like...

What about Julianne Hough?

Didn't she wait till
marriage to have sex?

Are we OK losing whoever
Julianne Hough is married to?

I am.

I have it! Tom Sandoval.

- How about that Richie guy?
- Oh, no.

No, that means Ruby would die.

Come on. We gotta focus.

Wait, is Temple Grandin still alive?

Wait, is that the lady who invented

the machine that, like, hugs cows?

- Yeah.
- Um... uh, yes.

- Madame is still with us.
- OK, OK.

Temple Grandin is a neuro-spicy genius

who, for decades, has been
very open about being asexual,

has no partners.

She's always been
happy to just be alone.

- That's sort of perfect?
- Yes!

We can transfer the
hex to Temple Grandin.

She never knows,
continues to live her life,

and no one else has to die.

- We did it.
- OK, OK.

We just need something
Temple Grandin has touched.

No!

She famously doesn't touch anything.

- Oh, this is bullshit.
- I thought we figured it out.

- sh*t.
- All right, now what?

[LOUD THUD]

[LIGHTS JINGLING]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Write down the name of the person

you want to transfer it
to on a piece of paper.

Put that paper in your shoe and
walk with it for three hours.

How much longer?



- Might as well multitask.
- Get a lock of your hair.

I just need a lot of your hair.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Whoa.

She said lock.

Lock of hair.

What the f*ck is a lock?

Then get a rock from the Fremont Troll

under the Aurora Bridge.

Lastly, get an object the person

you want to transfer it
to has recently touched.

Tie the object, the rock,
the paper, and the hair

all together, and then throw it
into the nearest body of water.

Did it work?

Is the hex transferred?

The longest gap between
deaths has been eight days,

so to be extra safe, we should wait...

- Nine days.
- A month.

A month. Yeah, exactly.

Great.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey.

Oh, my god.

Whoo! Speedy, speedy.

- Hey, Jason.
- Hi. Good running.

- Yeah, good run time, man.
- Oh, thanks.

It's Ruby.

Remember?

We went on three dates,
like, six months ago.

I told you a story about a
guy who had a cannibal uncle.

Oh. Yeah, right.

- How are you doing?
- Good.

More importantly,
though, how are you doing?

Like, how are you feeling?

Yeah, feeling, uh, great.

This is my girlfriend, Vicky.

- Hi.
- Yeah, hi, Vicky.

All good healthwise, though?

No weird issues or death scares?

Nope. All good.

- You see a doctor regularly?
- Oh, yeah.

Full regular checkups.

That stuff's actually
really important to me.

Even colon?

I know you're young, but they
call that the secret k*ller.

Yep, even colon.

Everything's good.

Great.

OK, well, uh, congrats again.

And, yeah, have a happy life.

- OK.
- OK. Bye.

Nice to meet you.

Um, I'm sorry. I don't...

That was odd.

Have any explanation for that at all.

Did we do it?

Am I... am I not gonna die?

I think... we did?

I think we did.

We transferred the hex.

[LAUGHTER]

- Case closed.
- Oh, my god.

- I have my life back.
- Me too.

[LAUGHTER]

- Ah!
- Whatever. Go ahead, go ahead.

I was just gonna hug you. I'm sorry.

- OK, well...
- You go.

Well, then I'm gonna kiss her
if you don't hug her, so go.

OK, OK, OK. I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- Get in there.
- Mm.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, my God.

Whatever it is, I'm good either way.

It worked.

I'm free.

Yes!

I need to see you right now.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hi.

Hey.

[GROANING]

- Did you...
- No, I don't know him.

That's not because of me.

Totally unrelated death.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

[SIRENS WAILING]

Folks, stay back. Stay back, please.

♪ ♪

[DEFIBRILLATORS WHIRRING]

Clear!

Not getting anything.

Clear!

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Wow.

That was...

- Incredible.
- Frickin' amazing.

Oh, my God.

I am so glad you felt that way too.

You know what the best part was?

Oh, like we just did it twice in a row

without saying a
single word in-between.

We just made eye contact
and then got to it.

It was like two coworkers
who have a great shorthand.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, that was fantastic.

But I was gonna say how it seemed like

things could only get less good,

but then it would get better.

And you, sir, wow.

Your colonel did not leave his post.

[CHUCKLES]

Isaac, I'm so glad this all worked out.

Sometimes you've just got to trust

that everything is gonna shake out

exactly how you want...

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[TIGRA & SPNCR'S "RAPTURE"]

Dad?

Hi, Ruby.

What are you doing here?

How did you even find me?

I got your letter.

My letter? How?

I... I didn't even send it.

♪ ♪

Richie.

We need to talk about what's
happening to you, Ruby.

What you wrote,

everyone you've ever been with is dying.

It's fine, OK? Everything's fine.

We figured it out. Why are you here?

[PHONE CHIMES]

I'm sorry.

Oh.

What?

Jason's dead.

What?

♪ Toe to toe ♪

It happened after the race.

♪ Dancing very close ♪

Oh, my God.

Guess he went to the zoo to celebrate.

But that means it didn't work.

We didn't transfer the hex.

What's up, knuckle-butt?

Zack, it didn't work.

You are going to die.

♪ Wall to wall, people hypnotized ♪

- What?
- And then...

And then you.

Ruby, let me help.

- I know what's happening to you.
- No, Dad.

I know what's happening to you

because it happened to me too.

♪ Rapture ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Back to back ♪

♪ Sacroiliac ♪

♪ Spineless movement ♪

♪ And a wild attack ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ Sightless solitude ♪

♪ And it's finger-popping ♪

♪ 24-hour shopping ♪

♪ Rapture ♪

I think that's a good idea.