02x12 - Queen of the Beasts/The Greatest Story Never Sold

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

Okay, Dinah, stay.
Come on, let's try it again.

Okay, Dinah, stay. Good kitty.

[sighs]

I guess my friend Lisa's right.
You can't train a cat.

No offense, Dinah,
but you should see Lisa's dog.

It's trained to sit and stay
and roll over and shake hands.

I was hoping I could train you
to do some kind of trick.

So I could tell Lisa
what a smart cat you are.

Well, while I'll think of a trick for you,
I'll do a little trick of my own.

[theme music playing]

♪ Hold on to your seat
Let's go for a ride ♪

♪ Now that we're here
On the other side ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme and a dance or two ♪

♪ It's a curious place
With a wonderful crew ♪

♪ And you're never quite sure
What they will do ♪

♪ Use your imagination
You'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

Rabbit! Rabbit! Oh, there you are.

When you're done dusting the courtyard,
I want you to vacuum the, uh--

Rabbit? Rabbit.

-Oh!
-Oh!

-Rabbit!
-Sorry, Your Majesty. I...

I got a bit lost in this book.

I'll say. What are you reading?

-Diamonds Are A Queen's Best Friend.
-What?

It's the Queen of Diamonds' autobiography.

-Her, what?
-Her, uh...

autobiography.

A book she wrote about her life.

Auto means self, and...

bio means life, and graph means to write.

An autobiography
is writing about your own life.

Why do you wanna read about
the Queen of Diamonds?

All she ever does is prattle on
about her jewelry.

Oh, not true, Your Majesty.

According to her book, she's climbed
mountains and flown airplanes.

-The Queen of Diamonds flies airplanes?
-Yes. Yes.

Why, her book is every bit of exciting
as the King of Clubs' autobiography,

in which he writes about skydiving.

The King of Clubs skydives?

Oh, yes. And the Queen of Spades
loves bungee jumping,

and the King of Diamonds
enjoys alligator wrestling.

Oh, I've read all their autobiographies.

Why are you so interested
in other kings and queens?

-What about me? What about my life?
-[stammering]

But, Your Majesty,
you've never written about your life.

-So, what's your point?
-Oh!

Naturally, if you had an autobiography,
I'd gladly read it.

You're darn-tooting you'd read it!

But, first, you'll help me write it.

Come, Rabbit, to the royal word processor.

I don't know, Your Majesty.

It still seems a bit, uh... short.

And it needs a bit of excitement.

Your job is to type, not to be a critic.

-Read what I've written so far.
-Oh, yeah...

Hi, You Majesty. Hi, Mr. Rabbit.

Ah, Alice, you're just in time
to listen to my autobiography.

Go ahead, Rabbit.

Uh, yeah... [stammers, then clears throat]

"I was born at a very early age.

As the years went by, I grew older,
not too old though.

Soon, I was not just a princess,
but a queen."

-[computer chimes]
-Um...

Is that all?

Don't you like it?

Oh. Oh, it's very good

-Of course, it's a little short.
-That's what I said.

And it wouldn't hurt
to make it more exciting.

That's what I said.

The whole point of an autobiography

is to tell the interesting
and exciting parts of your life.

Yes. Don't leave anything out.

Your life should be... an open book.

[pop music playing]

♪ When there's a story to be told ♪

♪ Make it interesting and bold ♪

♪ Everybody wants to hear
The juicy parts ♪

♪ And it really would be keen ♪

♪ To read a book about the queen ♪

♪ But yours is over as soon as it starts ♪

♪ When your life's an open book ♪

♪ Lots of people want to look ♪

♪ They want to know what royalty knows ♪

♪ Don't hold anything back ♪

♪ Share the Red Queen's secret facts ♪

♪ Tell the whole world
How your story goes ♪

♪ There are many things, I'm sure ♪

♪ That you have done before ♪

♪ Great events to fill lots of pages ♪

♪ They'll be lining up to read ♪

♪ All about a daring deed ♪

♪ Something that you did
That was courageous ♪

♪ When your life's an open book ♪

♪ Lots of people want to look ♪

♪ But they want to know
What royalty knows ♪

♪ Don't hold anything back ♪

♪ Share the Red Queen's secret facts ♪

♪ Tell the whole world
How your story goes ♪

Look, if I need to write
something exciting,

then I'll make something up.

I'll say that I ride bucking broncos.

Oh! Bucking bro-- Uh...

But you don't ride bucking broncos.

Oh, who cares?

It makes my life sound exciting,
doesn't it?

Your Majesty, an autobiography
should only have facts in it.

Things that are true.

If you make things up,
then the book would be fiction, not fact.

Oh! No fair.

First, you say my book has to be exciting,

and now you tell me
that it all has to be true.

There, there, Your Majesty,

you can't help it
if your life is as dull as dish water.

Dull? My life?

Why, I'll have you know,
I do plenty of exciting things.

Like, uh-- When the--

Then the-- Then there was a--
Well, actually...

Oh! I'll let you know
if I think of anything.

Ooh, harrumph!

And that is how I single-handedly
tamed the Wild West.

Caterpillar, I need to talk to you.

I'm writing my autobiography--

And you want me to proofread it,
no problem.

I'm quite good at finding mistakes
in other's work.

I don't make mistakes.
My book is perfect, so far.

All right.

So the only part I'm happy with
is the title.

What's the title?

Me, Me, Me.

The problem is everybody says
the rest of my book isn't exciting enough.

Ah. And since the book is about you,

you're worried
your life isn't very exciting.

Of course not.
My life is full of excitement.

Why, just the other day,
I found 15 cents in my raincoat pocket.

How thrilling for you.

But if you want an example
of a really exciting book,

just listen to this story.

Once, there was a bored little boy
named Ralph.

Ralph's parents
didn't want him to be bored.

So they got him a book of stories
from the library.

"What good is this?" Ralph cried.
"It's just a boring old book."

But, suddenly, the book spoke.

"Don't judge a book by its cover,"
the book said.

"My pages are full of excitement."

Ralph was curious, so he opened the book.

And to his surprise,
the book grabbed him from page 1.

Together, Ralph and the book
traveled to strange lands

and had exciting adventures.

Before Ralph had time to share
all the book's adventures,

it was time for the book to return
to the library.

"But I wasn't finish reading," Ralph said.
"Do you have to go?"

"Yes," the book said.

"You wouldn't want me to be overdue,
would you?

But don't worry, you can check me out
anytime you like."

So Ralph did.

And from then on,
Ralph was never bored again.

The book in your story was exciting.

But it was fiction.
I'm writing nonfiction.

I have to follow some silly rule
about only using facts.

Then why don't you do something exciting
so you can write about it?

Royal Adventures magazine.

Nothing personal, but...

I thought your idea of adventure was going
to a crowded mall during a big sale.

Nonsense. Everyone knows
I'm a queen who loves excitement.

In fact, I'm looking
for an exciting new hobby right now.

Hm, really? How about deep sea diving?

Actually, I hate getting my hair wet.

Then how about rock climbing?

Are you kidding? Climbing on rocks
is a great way to break a nail, you know?

Hm. Wait. I've got it. I've got it.
The perfect adventure for you.

-What is it?
-Stamp collecting.

Unless, you're worried
about getting a papercut.

Yes, that's true.
Stamp collecting does have its risks.

-[cackling]
-All right. That's enough.

I don't need any help
from any wise-cracking kitty cat. Now go.

Sorry, Your Majesty.

Stamp collecting, indeed.

Well, I sure told that unruly cat
what to do. [laughing]

Wait a minute.

Telling animals what to do. That's it.

Ah! Cat! Cat, get back here.

Oh, did you decide
stamp collecting was worth the risk?

No. But telling you what to do
gave me a great idea

for an exciting new hobby.

Well, I've decided to be
a wild animal trainer.

After all, what I say goes,

whether I'm talking to man or beast.

[meows]

[pop music playing]

♪ Claws, teeth, sighs
Loud animal cries ♪

♪ They don't matter
Once the queen applies her touch ♪

♪ Bears, lions, tigers or dinosaurs ♪

♪ I'll show them all I can
Run just as much ♪

♪ Everybody in the wild kingdom knows ♪

♪ What I say goes ♪

♪ I'll tame them, calm them
Show them new tricks to learn ♪

♪ I know how to train
I keep it regal but stern ♪

♪ If they don't listen now
I'll show them how ♪

♪ If they growl at me
I'll growl back louder, you'll see ♪

♪ Everybody in the wild kingdom knows ♪

♪ What I say goes ♪

♪ What I say goes ♪

Now, all I need is a wild animal to tame.

Well, don't look at me.

I haven't been wild
since I was a teenager.

-Hm.
-[meows]

Ah, it's very odd. It's not like her.

To be out of the palace so long?

No, to be out of the palace so long
without calling to make sure I'm working.

It's nice to have time to look through
my carrot catalogs.

[Alice] Your Majesty, what happened?

Your dress is ripped.
You're covered with leaves.

Yes, and your hair is a mess.

Yes, well...

You can't worry about your hairstyle

when you're barely escaping
with your life.

[gasps] What?

Your Majesty, are you all right?
Do you want to sit down?

No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

After all, no one said
it was easy to tame a wild whoa-bear.

Oh, no, indeed. It's not-- [gasps]

-What's a whoa-bear?
-Oh! Oh, dear.

It's a ferocious beast
with jaws that bite.

And claws that catch.

Why would you do such a thing?

Because I want to have something exciting
to write about in my autobiography.

[gasps] But taming a whoa-bear,
it's downright dangerous.

But exciting.

I just stopped by for a glass of lemonade.

And then it's back to whoa-bear woods.

You're going back out there?

Ah! I must, my child.

You can't expect to tame
a wild whoa-bear in one try.

Besides, I'm sure I'll be perfectly safe.

That is if I can stay away
from his long wicked claws

-and razor sharp teeth.
-[yelps]

[indistinct chatter]

This is all my fault.

I should never have told Her Majesty

about the exciting lives
of the other kings and queens.

Come on.

Of all the things that she could do...

Why would the queen decide
to tame a wild whoa-bear?

Because taming a tame whoa-bear
is sort of pointless.

How true that is, huh?

Isn't it time for tea?

-Yeah, Dormouse.
-Yes, it is.

[chattering]

I say, how can you talk about tea
at a time like this?

Good point. We've talked enough.
Let's just drink it

But this is serious.

Our queen could be out there,
wrestling with a wild whoa-bear.

Come on, Rabbit.

No way our queen would do something
so dangerous.

You know the queen isn't into danger.

The queen out of her palace
is just like a fish out of water.

[rock music playing]

♪ She never takes a path
She doesn't already know ♪

♪ I bet you she's afraid
Of her very own shadow ♪

♪ She's not the type to learn karate ♪

♪ She's nothing but a homebody ♪

♪ She's a homebody ♪

♪ Some days, she doesn't even
Wanna leave the castle ♪

♪ Safe at home, she is content ♪

♪ She doesn't like to
Find herself in peril ♪

♪ That's the risk she wants to prevent ♪

♪ She's a homebody ♪

♪ She doesn't take any risks or chances ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, no ♪

♪ And tries to avoid
Unpleasant circumstances ♪

♪ Just like a turtle, she has to check ♪

♪ If it's safe to stick out her neck ♪

♪ She stays home ♪

♪ Some days, she doesn't even
Wanna leave the castle ♪

♪ Safe at home, she is content ♪

♪ She doesn't like
To find herself in peril ♪

♪ That's the risk she wants to prevent ♪

♪ She's a homebody ♪

♪ A royal homebody ♪

But the queen has changed, I tell you.

She's out there, taming a wild whoa-bear.

Highly unlikely.

I doubt if the queen has even seen
a whoa-bear, much less tamed one.

[Red Queen] So you don't think
I've seen a wild whoa-bear, huh?

[gasps] Your Majesty.

-Are you all right?
-I'm fine.

But it seems we have
a couple of doubting Tweedles here.

What's the matter?

Don't you think I've got the courage
to tame a wild whoa-bear?

You have to admit, Your Majesty,
it's not something you usually do.

And, uh, by the way,
where's the whoa-bear now?

[snickering]

He's resting.

Oh. Heh. Resting?

Your Majesty,
if you have tamed a wild whoa-bear,

we sure would like to see it,
wouldn't we, brother?

We sure would. Unless, for some reason,
you can't show it to us.

You want me to prove it?

Meet in my courtyard in one hour.

We'll settle this whoa-bear business,
once and for all.

Okay. See you there.

Okay. See you there.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Rabbits and Hares!

Inside this cage
is a fearsome, terrifying,

ferocious whoa-bear.

-Why is the cage covered, Your Majesty?
-Ooh, are you sure it's strong enough?

For the safety of everyone,
the cage must remain covered.

The whoa-bear trusts me.

But if he sees any of you,
he may become very upset.

Oh. Oh!

I don't know, Your Majesty.
I'd still like to see the whoa-bear.

-Oh, yeah.
-[chattering]

Well, one of these days,
after I've tamed the whoa-bear much more,

I'll have you all over for tea
to meet him.

-Oh.
-For now, this is the way it must be.

[roaring]

I will now enter the cage

and have the whoa-bear do a few tricks.

-Wait, Your Majesty...
-[chattering]

[growling]

[Red Queen] Good, whoa-bear.

-[roaring]
-Stay!

Good, whoa-bear.

-[roaring]
-Roll over!

Good, whoa-bear.

Thank you, everyone!

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

And now, for my greatest trick...

You're going to show us all
how to hula hoop?

No. I'm gonna have the whoa-bear
jump through the hoop

Hatter, may I please have a drum roll.

Oh, enough.

Ta-da!

[roaring]

Your Majesty, please reconsider,
this sounds awfully dangerous to me.

-[Red Queen] Whoa-bear, jump!
-Oh, dear.

-[roaring]
-[Red Queen] Jump, I said.

No. Stop that. Down!

-[roaring]
-Bad whoa-bear!

-[roaring]
-Oh, no.

-[chattering]
-[Red Queen screaming]

[roaring and screaming continue]

[gasping]

Aw!

[indistinct chatter]

That's the ferocious whoa-bear?

It's nothing but a little whoa-cub.

[Red Queen]
He's more ferocious than he looks.

-He's so cute. May I pet him?
-No.

Now, I know he's adorable,
but remember, he's still a wild animal.

-And you must be careful.
-[Rabbit] Your Majesty.

You had me so worried.

You should have told me you were working
with just a cute little whoa-cub.

[laughing] Coochie-woochie!

Do you think it's still exciting enough
for my autobiography?

I mean, it is a fact
that I trained a whoa-bear.

Uh, even if he is just
a cute little guy. Watch.

Whoa-bear, stay.

Whoa-bear, sit.

-Sit.
-[Hatter] All right.

Whoa-bear, uh, heel.

Heel, whoa-bear, heel.

Oh, harrumph! He did it earlier.

That's okay, Your Majesty, we believe you.

We're sorry for thinking
you'd never do anything exciting.

A big whoa-bear would have been
too dangerous.

You should never do something dangerous
just so you can write a nonfiction story.

Even if the whoa-bear is just a whoa-baby,

to us, you're still the Queen of Beasts.

[dance music playing]

♪ She's the boldest of the bold ♪

♪ The bravest of the brave ♪

♪ Thoroughly unafraid of anything at all ♪

-♪ From a tiny little mouse ♪
-♪ To a wall-ephant ♪

♪ The size of a house ♪

♪ She's feared by all the creatures
Big and small ♪

♪ Queen of the Beasts
Queen of the Beasts ♪

♪ She's the best in the West ♪
And the North and the South and the East ♪

♪ Queen of the Beasts
Queen of the Beasts ♪

♪ When it comes to taming whoa-bears
She's quite an artiste ♪

-♪ She'll grab the bull by the horns ♪
-♪ And laugh in the face of danger ♪

♪ To Her Highness
Courage is no stranger ♪

♪ And if you still have any doubts ♪

♪ Here is something we just read about ♪

♪ It said she put her head
Inside a lion's mouth ♪

♪ Queen of the Beasts
Queen of the Beasts ♪

♪ She's the best in the West
And the North, South and East ♪

♪ Queen of the Beasts
Queen of the Beasts ♪

♪ When it comes to taming whoa-bears
She's quite an artiste ♪

All right.

Now I can write that exciting chapter
in my autobiography.

I remember the time

-when I tamed a ferocious whoa-bear.
-Uh...

Actually, Your Majesty,
the whoa-bear was already tame.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

I remember the time

when I worked with a ferocious whoa-bear.

Also, it wasn't really ferocious.

All right, fine.

I remember the time

when I worked with a friendly whoa-bear.

In fact, it was downright playful.

-And really cute.
-Yes!

In fact, I don't think I've ever seen
such an adorable little creature.

Of course, I'm an old softie
when it comes to fuzzy faces.

I'm reminded of my Aunt Eugenia,

who used to say that if she had one more
facial hair she'd positively fall over...

You're still here?

-[grumbles]
-Mm. Oh.

Okay. I'll take you for a walk.

But I don't see why I should.

I mean, you didn't even
try to act ferocious.

[grunts]

-Say, do whoa-bears like fiction stories?
-[grunts]

Well, let me tell you about the time...

I flew a hot air balloon.

Dinah, I'm sorry I tried to train you to
do a bunch of tricks you don't wanna do.

I just wanted to prove to my friend Lisa
that my cat was just as smart as her dog.

[meows]

But then I thought, who's smarter,
a dog who's been trained by his owner,

or a cat who's trained her owner
to do things for her?

[theme music playing]

♪ That's all for now
But we'll see you again ♪

♪ Come back real soon
Now that we're all friends ♪

♪ Where every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme and a dance or two ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventures in Wonderland ♪