03x21 - Your Cheatin' Red Heart

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, Dinah, I'm so mad at Tina,
I can't see straight.

I mean, do I look like someone who can't
win at a silly game like Go Fish?

-[meows]
-Of course, I don't.

So you tell me how Tina manages
to win 12 straight games.

There's definitely something fishy
about the way Tina plays Go Fish.

In fact, I really hate to say it,
but I'm sure she's cheating.

Don't look at me like that, Dinah.

I feel guilty enough just thinking
such an awful thing about a friend.

But what other explanation is there?

Okay, okay. So maybe I do need
to go someplace and calm down.

Well, I know just the place.

[theme music playing]

♪ Hold on to your seat
Let's go for a ride ♪

♪ Now that we're here
On the other side ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme and a dance or two ♪

♪ It's a curious place
With a wonderful crew ♪

♪ And you're never quite sure
What they will do ♪

♪ Use your imagination
You'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Ah, Rabbit!
Just breathe in that fresh air.

That's lucky air, I tell you.

-Uh, lucky air, Your Majesty?
-Yes.

With each breath, you can just feel
good things are going to happen today.

So breathe deeply, Rabbit.

-[exhales]
-[grunting]

Oh. Okay, so it's unlucky air for you.

But you're not the one who has to play
Boffo Bingo against the Duchess today.

Uh...

If I may, Your Majesty, you don't have
to compete with the Duchess every week...

do you?

Why shouldn't I play against her?

Well, it's just that
she always seems to, uh...

To, uh... You know, win.

So she's gotten lucky
the last five or six...

-Hundred.
-...games.

All right!

So I've never won.

Until now, she's been a lucky duchy.
But my luck's about to change.

[rock and roll music playing]

♪ Wouldn't it be ducky
If I could get really lucky? ♪

♪ Losing's so unfair
I need more of that lucky air ♪

♪ No matter what I do
I never win a game or two ♪

♪ But my luck's about to change
I'm really on a roll ♪

♪ I'll win at Boffo Bingo
'Cause that's my royal goal ♪

♪ Winning at Boffo Bingo
Is my one and only goal ♪

♪ I can't give in to the Duchess
I have to gain control ♪

♪ Losing's so unfair
I need more of that lucky air ♪

♪ No matter what I do
I never win a game or two ♪

♪ But my luck's about to change
I'm really on a roll ♪

♪ I'll win at Boffo Bingo
'Cause that's my royal goal ♪

♪ Winning at Boffo Bingo
Is my one and only goal ♪

Greetings, Boffo Bingo bops!

Your Boffo Bingo barkers are here
with your Boffo Bingo ba*ls.

Oh!

[chuckles] Here you go. Turn it on here.

All right.

And your Boffo Bingo board.

We'll be all set to go
as soon as a certain someone

can perform the simple task
of setting up the card table.

-Oh, hello!
-Oh, there you are.

Oh, hello, everybody! Oh!

[laughing]

Oh, Twinkle Toes, how are you?

I'd be better if you stopped
calling me Twinkle Toes.

Oh, Twinkle Toes, you don't mean that.

[laughs]

Oh, I see you're all set
for another royal shellacking.

Yes. Yours.

Oh.

Your Majesty,
are you sure it's wise to brag like that?

Why shouldn't I?
As I told you, my luck's about to change.

The days of my losing five straight games
are over.

Look at that. I win again. [chuckles]

I'm sorry, Twinkle Toes.

That makes, let's see,
five games in a row, doesn't it?

Who's counting?
Anyway, your luck's bound to run out soon.

-Let's play another one.
-[gasps] Uh...

Your Majesty,
are you sure that's such a good idea?

Yes, I'm sure.
I want to play another game.

Hi, everybody!

-Hi, Alice!
-Hello.

Oh, what game are you playing?

-Why, Boffo Bingo, of course.
-From ages 1 to adult.

Boffo Bingo? How do you play?

First, the Boffo Bingo machine
spits out a Boffo Bingo ball, like this.

Then, I call out the number on the ball.
B-10!

Then, if the Queen or the Duchess
has that number on her Boffo Bingo card...

-Oh, I've got that number!
-[Hare] Yeah, there you go.

...she gets to roll the dice and move one
of her three pieces on the game board.


Oh! So in order for you to get a turn,

the number on the ball has to match
the number on your card.

-Exactly.
-Exactly.

I'll bet something really exciting happens
when you get a bingo, right?

What's a bingo?

Well, a bingo is when you get five numbers
in a row on your card.

Oh! Well, you don't get
a bingo in this game.

Why don't you get rid of the bingo cards
and just roll the dice?

Because then
it wouldn't be called Boffo Bingo.

-Hey, call out another number.
-Oh.

Uh, yeah. Uh, G-6!

I've got that number. Oh, h*!

Oh! Oh! Hare, you keep calling numbers out
for that lucky duchy.

Switch places with the Hatter.
Let him call out the numbers.

-Oh, all right.
-Wait, wait, wait.

-Here we go. All right.
-Here we go.

-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-I-15!

Oh, I've got that one!

Well, that does it!

I don't want either of you
calling out the numbers

I'll do it.

[Hare] All right. Uh-huh.

O-7.

Ah! I've got that number.

Oh, I'll notify the Wonderland Bee.

Now I'm cooking with gas.

Remember, Your Majesty, strategy.

Oh, I know that.
Who's playing this game anyway?

Either way, what's a strategy?

Oh, uh, well...

a strategy is a well thought out
plan of action designed so you can win.

Oh, right. So, what's my strategy?

Uh, well... uh--

Oh! You can either move one
of those pieces out of the start gate,

or you could move that piece
ahead to the Duchess, but--

-Oh, I'll move ahead of the Duchess!
-[gasping]

But now if the Duchess rolls a 2,

she can bump your last piece
back to the start gate.

Oh! What are the chances she'll get a 2?

N-14.

[gasps] Oh! I've got that number.

Big surprise.

-[Duchess gasps] And I rolled a 2!
-[gasps]

Love your strategy, Twinkle Toes.

That does it!
I don't want to play anymore.

Oh, it sounds like someone around here
is a poor sport.

You're not talking about me, are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that sound like
I was talking about you?

Yes, and nobody can say
that I'm a bad sport.

How true that is.

-There's $500 fine for that.
-That's not what I mean!

It's just that, well...

[stammers] It's just that...

I've had to worry my little royal head
about so many things this morning

that I've been distracted.

But I'm sure I'll play better tomorrow,
if you'd like a rematch.

[gasps] A rematch, Your Majesty, tomorrow?
Are you sure that's such a good idea?

Rabbit's right.

Science has never studied
the long-term effects

of getting two shellackings in one week.

I think it's a wonderful idea.
I'll be there.

Hm!

Oh, Your Majesty, how do you expect
to improve your game overnight?

I don't, which is why you're
going to the Duchess' tonight

and hammering her door shut

so she can't get out.

Well, if she's a no-show tomorrow,
then I win.

Well, all right! How do I expect
to improve my game overnight?

Well, Your Majesty, if I were you,

[stammering] I-- I'd talk to the Tweedles!

They're better at Boffo Bingo
than the Duchess.

I still don't see why we had to come
all the way here to play this silly game.

We told you. So you won't have
all the distractions of that busy palace.

Just relax. Dee knows everything
there is to know about this game.

So do you, Your Majesty.

You don't really need to learn
any new strategies.

-I don't?
-[Dee] No.

Don't forget, you learn more about a game
by losing than by winning.

Boy, if that's the case,

the Queen should know more about this game
than anyone in Wonderland.

Oh! I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

The point is,
you need to change your way of thinking.

If you think you're going to lose,
you'll lose.

-And if you think you're gonna win--
-I'll win?

Well, no, you still may lose,
but at least it will come as a surprise.

See, Your Majesty, the Duchess is trying
to rattle you. You know, upset you.

So you've got to turn that around
and be so confident

that she gets rattled.

Right. It's not really about board games.

It's about mind games

[funk music playing]

♪ They say the best defense
Against any offense ♪

♪ Is confidence and intelligence ♪

♪ Make use of your royal influence
To baffle, outwit, or convince ♪

♪ Don't capitulate
And never, never underestimate ♪

♪ The power of persuasion is amazing ♪

♪ Psyche yourself up ♪

♪ Don't psyche yourself out ♪

-♪ Mind games ♪
-♪ Mind games ♪

♪ You've gotta be tough
Or they're gonna call your bluff ♪

-♪ Mind games, mind games ♪
-♪ Mind games, mind games ♪

♪ Certainly you could intimidate ♪

♪ Relating your opponent's fate verbatim ♪

♪ So we're giving it to you straight
Never, never underestimate ♪

♪ The power of positive thinking
Will leave them blinking ♪

♪ Psyche yourself up
Don't psyche yourself out ♪

-♪ Mind games ♪
-♪ Mind games ♪

♪ You've gotta be tough
Or they're gonna call your bluff ♪

-♪ Mind, mind ♪
-♪ Games, games ♪

-♪ Mind games ♪
-♪ Mind games ♪

Oh, guys, I love it.
And I can't wait to try it out.

Now all I need is an opponent.

-Hello, everybody.
-Oh, hey, how are you doing?

How's the Buffo Bingo practice
coming along?

Oh, just fine, Alice.
Won't you join me in a game?

Well, I wouldn't be much of an opponent.
I've never played before.

[stammers] Oh, don't worry. Have a seat.

Okay, but I'm going to get creamed.

I know.

B-4.

I've got that.

I-6!

I've got that one!

[quirky music playing]

B-16!

I've got it!

Oh! That's it! I quit!

I can't even beat a little girl
who's never played the game before.

Mind games. Harrumph!

Why, I've got half a mind to--
Oh, never mind!

There's just no way I'm ever gonna win
at this stupid game.

Crown me! [laughing]

Caterpillar, have you
ever played Boffo Bingo?

No. I try not to play games

that use adjectives
like boffo and keno and leto.

Well, I play it. And I always lose.

Well, remember, Your Majesty,

it's not whether you win or lose,
it's how you play the game.

Is that so? Well, how I play the game
is downright embarrassing.

And I refuse to lose one more game
to the Duchess, even if I have to cheat.

[gasps]

Oh, Your Majesty, you've said the C-word!

Well, I'm desperate.

Yes, I can see that.

But what about the other C-word?

Your conscience?

You know, that inner voice that tells you
the difference between right and wrong.

Well, what about it?

Oh, my, it's worse than I thought.

Your Majesty,
I think you'd better listen to this story.

Once, there was a cheetah named Charlie.

A cheetah, as you may know,
is the fastest animal there is.

But as Charlie found out, there was
one drawback to being the fastest animal.

All the other animals were always
challenging him to a race.

Day in and day out, Charlie defended
his title as the world's fastest animal.

Not that he minded.

Charlie liked the attention he got
winning so many races.

What Charlie did mind was wearing out
so many pairs of running shoes.

So Charlie decided to do something
that was dishonest,

dishonorable, and downright devious.

He started taking a shortcut in order
to save wear and tear on his shoes.

"I always win anyway," figured Charlie.

So the cheetah continued cheating.

Then came one fateful challenge.

Charlie took his usual shortcut,
but he ran into a little problem.

So not only did Charlie lose...

but he showed himself
to be the cheating cheetah he was.

So, as you can see,

there is a reason why they say,
"Cheetahs never prosper."

Wait a minute.

Did you say, "cheetahs never prosper,"

or that "cheaters never prosper"?

I am afraid you'll have to decide that
for yourself.

Okay.

Next number on my Boffo Bingo card
is B-16.

"B-16."

Okay.

Next number on my Boffo Bingo card is B-4.

B-4.

-Hello, Your Majesty.
-[screams]

-Uh...
-Hm-hm-hm.

Cat, uh, this isn't what it looks like.

Hm. It, uh, looks like Rabbit's going to
have a lot of cleaning up to do.

It also looks like the only numbers
you're writing on those ping-pong ba*ls

are the numbers that are
on your Boffo Bingo card.

Oh, but why in Wonderland
would I be doing a silly thing like that?

So that when you play
against the Duchess today,

the only numbers that will come up
will be the ones on your card.

And if the Duchess never gets a turn,
she can't possibly beat you.

So, what's your point?

My point is, if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you were trying to cheat.

Oh! Oh.

I'm not really cheating.

It's just that she always gets so lucky.

Uh, this will even things out
a little bit.

Oh, "even" my paw.
She won't stand a chance.

[stammering]

You won't tell anyone, will you?

Hm. Why should I?

It's no fur off my back.

You're the one who has to live
with your conscience.

[growls]

Why does everyone
keep bringing up my conscience?

As though I'll feel bad about doing this.

If there's one thing I'm sure of,
I'll feel great after beating the Duchess.

Hmph!

It's time for the royal rematch.

So, ladies, start your engines.

Oh!

Sorry. Heh. Wrong royal rematch.

B-16.

-Oh! I've got that! [laughing]
-Wait a minute.

You didn't even look down at your card
to see if you had that number.

Oh, I just had a feeling I'd have it.

And look, I do.

Oh! [laughing]

B-12.

[Red Queen laughing] I've got that!

I-18.

[Red Queen] Oh, I've got that!

I-8.

-B-2.
-Oh, I've got that! I've got that.

[Dormouse] O-6.

[Red Queen whoops]

A-ha! I win again.

Five straight games.

What do you think about that, lucky duchy?

I think, isn't it funny how not one number
came up on my card all afternoon?

But at least I got my nails done.

-Uh, congratulations, Your Majesty!
-Yes, congratulations, Twinkle Toes.

A-ha!

-Being sarcastic just because you lost?
-No. I really meant it.

I guess today just wasn't my lucky day.

A-ha!

So now you're saying
it was just luck that I won?

Oh, not all luck.
You played very skillfully.

A-ha!

So now you're being such a bad sport
about losing

that you're acting like a good sport
just to confuse me?

Why would I want to confuse you?

But I was so sure if I beat you, you would
rant and rave and be a poor loser!

My dear, I'm not a poor anything.

Besides, people with class
do not rant and rave about losing.

-It's only a game.
-Oh!

-You won it fair and square.
-Oh!

[groaning]

[rock and roll music playing]

♪ May I salute you on the way you played
Congratulations, you're a winner today ♪

♪ You really played the game
With style and flair ♪

♪ You're lucky beyond compare ♪

♪ You're the champ
You won, hands down ♪

♪ You're a gold medal winner all around ♪

♪ I tried my darnedest
But I got nowhere ♪

♪ Here's to you
You won it fair and square ♪

♪ You were really on a lucky streak ♪

♪ You were too tough to defeat ♪

♪ You aced, my dear
Have a royal cheer ♪

♪ I know when I'm beat ♪

♪ You're the champ
You won, hands down ♪

♪ You're a gold medal winner all around ♪

♪ I tried my darnedest but I got nowhere ♪

♪ Here's to you
You won it fair and square ♪

♪ Here's to you
You won it fair and square ♪

Well, so long, Twinkle Toes.

And again, I couldn't be happier for you.

Wow, you won, Your Majesty.

Five games in a row.

I thought I'd be an old gray hare
before that ever happened.

-Oh, congratulations.
-Yes, congratulations, Your Majesty.

-You must feel really great.
-Oh, yes. Just peachy.

"Congratulations on your victory."

"Congratulations on your victory."

"Cheers to the new Boffo Bingo champ."
"Way to go, Your Majesty."

Sheesh!

Seems like all of Wonderland
heard about my winning.

And may I add my congratulations,
Your Majesty.

Oh, don't get catty with me.
You know I cheated.

Every time somebody gives me
congratulations I don't deserve,

I just feel worse.

[gasps] But you said you'd feel great
if you beat the Duchess.

And I would feel great
if I'd won honestly.

Who would have ever thought
my conscience would kick in?

-Hm... certainly not I.
-Hello, Your Majesty.

-I just stopped by--
-Oh, don't you dare congratulate me.

Oh, sorry, Alice.

[stammering] Uh, it's just that...
Well, I don't really deserve it.

But you do, Your Majesty.
You played a great game.

Uh, yes. Uh, well...

You see, I found out that the Boffo Bingo
machine wasn't working quite right.

-It looked like it was working fine to me.
-Yes. Uh, well...

I found out that somehow--
and I'm not saying how--

only ping-pong ba*ls with my numbers
got into the machine.

Wow.

-What are the chances of that happening?
-Oh, apparently, pretty good.

Anyway,
I was starting to feel real guilty.

I mean, uh, real concerned
that the, uh, game wasn't, uh, fair.

-Uh, you know what I mean?
-Yes. I think I know what you mean.

So I decided to call the Duchess
and tell her

that today's Boffo Bingo match
didn't really count.

I think that's a good idea, Your Majesty.

-[keypad beeping]
-[line dialing]

[phone rings]

Hello? Grand Duchess speaking.

Grand my foot.

Hello, Duchy? It's Twinkle Toes.
Uh, I mean, it's me.

Uh, I just found out that somehow--
I'm not saying how--

only ping-pong ba*ls with my numbers
got into the Boffo Bingo machine today.

So my win didn't count.

Really?
Uh, could you hold on for just a second?

Now, what was it you were saying?

I was saying,
we won't count today's tournament.

And we'll play again as usual next week.

Well, it really doesn't matter to me,
Twinkle Toes.

But if you want to throw out today's game,
it's perfectly fine with me.

I'll just see you next week.

Your Majesty, just when you thought
you couldn't possibly feel any better

about beating the Duchess today,
the Hatter and Hare have a surprise.

We were so excited about your victory,
we just had to present you with a trophy.

Unfortunately,
all we had was a, uh, bowling trophy.

But we are throwing in
this nice pair of bowling shoes.

Oh! Well, as a matter of fact,
I can't accept any trophy.

[gasps]

I just found out that somehow--
I'm not saying how--

only ping-pong ba*ls with my numbers
got into the Boffo Bingo machine today.

-Gee, that's never happened before.
-We would have never known it happened

if you hadn't discovered the mistake
and been so honest.

That's what we like about you,
Your Majesty.

No matter how tempting it might be,
you would never do anything dishonest.

Oh, of course not, because honesty
is Her Majesty's middle name.

[pop music playing]

♪ Our Queen is known for honesty
It's quite true ♪

♪ Compassion and justice
We know that too ♪

♪ She is fair and square
Even at a game ♪

♪ Honesty is her middle name ♪

-I thought it was Gladys.
-I thought it was Gladiolus.

♪ No, honesty is her middle name ♪

♪ She follows
The straight and narrow path ♪

♪ Why, the Queen is her own better half ♪

-♪ She only thinks good thoughts ♪
-♪ And never slings the blame ♪

♪ Honesty is her middle name ♪

I thought it was Eunice.

-I thought it was Bernice.
-No.

♪ Honesty is her middle name ♪

♪ Honesty is ♪

♪ Her middle name ♪

You know, Dinah,

I've decided not to accuse Tina
of cheating at cards after all.

-[meows]
-Well, the truth is,

she really doesn't have to cheat.

She's a much better card player than I am.

But that doesn't mean I can't get better
by practicing with you, Dinah.

[meows]

Somehow I knew you'd love
playing a game called Go Fish.

[theme music playing]

♪ That's all for now
But we'll see you again ♪

♪ Come back real soon
Now that we're all friends ♪

♪ Where every day is something new ♪

♪ With music, rhyme and a dance or two ♪

♪ Use your imagination
And you'll understand ♪

♪ It's an adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventure in Wonderland ♪

♪ Adventures in Wonderland ♪