03x13 - Billy Idiot/Home of the Ancients

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]

- Control, alt, delete.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Aw!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Aw!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Mail's here!

Mail's here!

[Weakly]
mail's here.

[Panting]

- Mrs. Pollywinkle's
super-special fine arts school

For gifted children?

- Yeah, that's it!

That's for me!

Read it, mandy! Read it!

- "Dear master billy,

"We have received your
masterful audition tape,

"And we are pleased to announce
that you have been accepted

"To study dance at
mrs. Pollywinkle's

Super-special fine arts school
for gifted children."

- Mmm! Toe-jammy!

- We expect to see you shortly

At your new home on
mrs. Pollywinkle's estate.

- That letter has
got to be a fake!

- You're right, grim.

Billy's never been
good at anything.

Don't these people
watch the show?

- But I can dance!

You gotta believe me!

I live to dance!

[Screams]

- [Whinny]

- [Trumpets]

- Prepare to be amazed

By my skilled and masterful
dancing technique.

You'll laugh, you'll cry,

Then you'll laugh... Some more.

But really you'll feel
like crying 'cause...

- Will you just dance already?!

- All right!

Here comes billy!

- Billy, what are you doing?!

- [Screaming]

- Billy,

I thought I told you
to never dance!

- But, dad, I like to dance,

And I'm really good at it.

You just don't want me to dance

'Cause you said it was girly!

- Now, look, billy,

It's not that I think that
you're girly for doing it,

It's just that I
think you're not...

Macho forte!

Plus, I'm trying to protect you.

You see,
billy... I was once like you.

I used to love to dance,
and I was fantastic.

I would leave audiences in awe!

At the night of
my big dance recital,

I was amazing!

[Farts]

For my finale, I was
going to attempt

The mabuhay shuffle,

The most dangerous and feared
move in ballet.

My whole dancing career
led up to this point.

I was confident.

Nothing was gonna stop me.

Then... Something happened.

Dear old dad rose from
the stands and proclaimed...

- Dancing's for girls!

- Stricken by his remark,
I lost focus

And fell flat on my face.

I was the laughing stock
of the entire recital.

And from then on, I promised
never to dance again!

So, you see, billy,

The moral of the story is...

Never drink orange juice
first thing in the morning.

It gives you the poots.

[Farts]

- So, dad, can I go to
a super-special school

And live there forever
studying dance?

- Sure. I don't see why not.

I'll drive!

- So, you sure you want to go
through with this, billy?

- Yep!

It's the only thing
I ever wanted in my life!

Except for a peg leg,
a 3-way radio,

An ingrown toenail remover,
and automatic shoe buffer,

An eskimo, a red rider bb g*n
with a compass on the side,

Placebo g*n, robotic fingers,
a fourth nipple,

A monkey butler,
a battery-powered
battery charger,

Wooden teeth, gray chest hair,

A haunted unicorn, a unibrow,

A tiki mask, santa's hat,

A live-action dad,
and laser sunglasses.

But, other than that...

Dancing is the only thing
I ever wanted in life.

Thanks for driving, dad.

Mmm.

I guess I'm never
gonna see you again.

[Tires squeal]

- Well, it looks like we're
stuck here with you, billy.

- Hello.

- Aagh!
- Aagh!
- Aagh!

- [Burps]

Oh, great.

You happy now?

You went ahead and done made me
gush ectoplasm all over myself!

What's wrong with you?

- Hi.
I'm marilyn.

And I love this school so much!

- We're gonna see
mrs. Finger wiggle.

- Pollywinkle.

- Hairy ankle.

- Pollywinkle.

- Terrance engle?

- Pollywinkle.

- Molly ringwald.

- Pollywinkle!

Never mind.

- Swashbuckler?

Poppa sickle.

Shiny nickel?

Sour pickles.

- Hi, I'm marilyn.

And I love this school so much!

You're all gonna be
trapped here forever!

- Hello!

- Can I help you?

You must be billy,
the boy genius.

Wait one moment.

I'll alert the headmistress
to your arrival.

Hey! Billy's here!

You know, the one with
the beautiful soul!

- Send him in!

- The headmistress
will see you now.

Follow me.

- Oh, billy!

You're here!

Please, come in.

- Are you ms. Thinky dingy?

- Uh, pollywinkle, yes.

I was just reviewing
your audition tape.

Oh, it was simply superb.

I found myself enthralled
and amazed

And then thrilled.

And then a bit gassy,
then amazed again!

Then disgusted...
But in a good way.

There's something about
the way you move

That's so unique,
so tantalizing.

I knew this school
had to have you.

- My dream of becoming
a famous ballet dancer

Is finally gonna come true!

- Hold the phone.

That sounds too good to be true.

Billy can't even eat,
much less dance.

- So, ms. Pimples finger,
when can I start?

- Immediately, billy.

All I need is one thing.

- What's that?

- Oh, just... Your soul!

[Cackling]

- [Laughing]

- [Laughing]

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Aah. Oh, that was a good one.

- Yeah.

But seriously,
give me your soul.

- What?!

Why do you need my soul?

- You see, billy,

I feed off the souls and talent

From only the most gifted
dance students in the world

So that I may remain as
the greatest dancer of all time!

- That's just ridiculous!

Only an extremely
powerful dark witch

Can steal people's souls.

- Exactly.

- Oh. Well, then ok.

- Grim, can't you use
your scythe to stop her?

- Good idea, mandy.

[Hisses]

Oh!

Oh, maybe I should
have mentioned

That the only possible way
a dark witch

Can overpower my scythe

Is by turning it into
a giant snake

And using it to tie us up.

- Whatever.

- And now, billy,

Your soul and talent
will soon be mine!

- The headmistress
is sucking out billy's soul!

- Hey, billy, you forgot
your dance bag in the car.

Oh, my gosh!

An evil witch is using
this ballet school

To recruit innocent
dance students

So she can steal their souls!

And now she's about to
suck out billy's soul!

- Wow! That's pretty good!

He got if faster than you did.

- Shut up.

- Lady, no one
steals billy's soul.

That wasn't in
the school curriculum.

- Oh, yes, it was.

It was on the first page
of the brochure

In bright red letters.

- Yeah! But you didn't
count on one thing!

I can't read!

I challenge you...
To a dance-off!

Prepare to get served!

- You dare challenge
the headmistress guttertinkle?

- Pollywinkle.

- Whatever!

Work that booty!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You call that dancing?

This is dancing!

[Groovy music plays]

[Techno plays]

["Riverdance" music plays]

[Russian music plays]

[Hula music plays]

That's it!

I'm through playing games!

- Aagh!

- Face it!

You are no match for my
superior dance skills!

- Can't dance... No more!

Might as well... Give up.

- See! I told you dancing
would make you weak!

You're nothing but a big
fat girly quitter!

- I'm no quitter.

And I'm not girly.

I'm a ballet dancer!

- No!
It can't be!

That's impossible!

The mabuhay shuffle!

[Chicken dance-type music plays]

- What's going on up there?

The whole place
is falling apart.

- [Sighs]

Yet another school
that billy's ruined.

- Wow, dad.

I can't believe you pulled off
the mabuhay shuffle.

That was amazing.

- You know, son,

I guess it's all right with me

If you waste your life dancing.

- Nah, dancing's for girls.

- Space.

A dark frontier
of inky blackness.

These are the voyages
of the starship...

- Darn!

A 7-10 split.

- I loves moon bowling!

- It is quite satisfying, man.

- Dispatch, this is
underworld unit 406.

I've arrived at the scene
of the disturbance.

- Officer, this is just
a big misunderstand...

- You have the right
to remain unconscious!

- After hearing all
the testimony,

This lower, lower,
lower court finds you,

The grim reaper, guilty of
gross misuse of your power.

By the power of
the underworld court,

I sentence you to 50 hours
of community service.

- No!

Anything but that!

This ain't fair!

I hate the community!

Hate it! Hate it!

Hate it!

Hate it!

Get your hands off me!

- Why are we at this
smelly old place?

- This is a retirement home.

It's where we're
supposed to perform

Our community service.

Blecch!

Hanging out with old people.

Like I don't get enough of that
in me day job.

- Hi, grim!

- 'Sup, gloria?

- Oh, here for mr. Silverman?

- No, that's next week.

Hey, myron.

How'd the triple bypass go?

- It went great!

- We'll see!

- [Gulp]

- So, what do we have to do?

Play games? Talk to them?

- Give them sponge baths?!

- Whatever they want.

We're at their shriveled mercy.

- Whoa!

It's like a big
swirly toilet bowl!

- Yeah, that's
the entrance to wing 13,

The supernatural wing.

It exists in another dimension.

- Another dimension?

No mentioned another dimension.

- Yeah, we step through there,

And ascend to the home
of the ancients!

- I hate to throw
a monkey wrench into this

Ascension into another dimension
that was never mentioned, but...

- What's with this
sudden dissention?

- I'm holding an abstention

To the ascension
to another dimension.

My mommy said
I'm not allowed to.

- Well, I won't want to cause
tension with this ascension to...

- Stop it! Both of you,
just stop it!

[Rattles]

- Why that dumb vortex always
lead to this soda machine

I'll never know!

Oh, nuts!

Don't tell me I'm out of ones.

[Rattling]

Cool your jets, girl.

I gotta get some change.

- Look at this place!

It's like someone left
halloween in the bathtub

And it got all pruney.

- Yeah, that's the home
of the ancients for ya.

Every retired monster,
geriatric goblin...

[Fart]

And old bugaboo ends up here.

- Oh, I'm so glad you're here!

The blob hasn't been
feeling well,

And now the toilets
are all backed up!

- Look, lady, we're not your...

Billy, do you know who this is?

- Your mama?
- No, doofus!

This is the bride
of frankenstein.

Oh! And that guy is dracula...

The baddest of all vampires.

And that guy wetting the carpet

Is the wolf man!

- Why you getting all excited
over these 3 old geezers?

- You're looking at
me childhood idols!

- Eat some grass, dear,

And you'll feel better.

- They were the scariest
monsters in all the world.

- Yeah, yeah! I get the picture.

But a modern child
such as myself

Is no longer spooked
by such corny creatures!

- Corny?!

You calling dracula corny?!

- Maybe the young man is right.

Perhaps our... Don't worry,
it happens.

Perhaps our time of
terror has passed.

And we should hand the...

Thank you, dear.

And we should hand the baton

To a new generation of
knife-wielding maniacs.

- No!

You're the best,
and I'm gonna prove it!

Right after wolf man stops
itching his butt on the floor.

All right, let's all get going.

- [Grunting]

- Oh, yeah.
Can anyone break a 20?

Uh, dracula,

You sure the sun's
not bothering you?

- Dracula is down with
going out on the town.

'Cause dracula is in the mood...

To meet some fine, fine ladies.

- And wolfie seems to be
enjoying the exercise, too!

- [Barking]

- Where are we going, grim?

- I got a plan to boost
the ancients' self-esteem.

- Hey, skeleton man!

Check out dracula's
smooth moves.

Mmm! Hey!

Hey! Huh! Ha ha!

- Yeah, that's
real nice, dracula.

Now, if we could
just keep walking.

- Uh! Yeah!

Dracula is smokin'!

Ha ha!

- Uh, dracula,

I think you should
get out of the sun.

- No way.

Dracula is on fire!

- Fire bad! Fire bad!

- [Barking]

- Wolf man, come back!

- Mommy, there's an old,
ugly dog chasing us.

- Don't worry, honey.

Mommy will put it out
of its misery.

[Tires squeal]

[High pitched yelping]

- Fire bad! Fire bad!

- Oh! Something's cooking!

Smells good.

Spicy.

- [Heaves]

[Hooting]

- I just want to thank
all you kids

For coming down to
dead man's lake

For this evening of free food,

Fun, and ghost stories.

- Where's the free food?

- There is no food.

Before we begin,
are there any questions...

That aren't about the food?

Yes, you, little girl.

- Will there be any
monsters jumping out at us?

- Good question.

No.

No monsters will jump out at us.

Especially not from behind
that big bush over there.

So, feel free to
let your guard down.

- How come we don't
have a real fire, yo?

- Uh... Because fire is bad.

- Fire bad! Fire bad!

- Boy, these woods
really echo, eh?

- [Heaving coughs]

- I think that's one of them
brazilian coughing bushes.

Hang on for one second.

I gotta go tinkle.

What's with all the commotion?

- Wolf man ate a squirrel
in one bite.

Dracula tried to
tell him to chew,

But he don't listen to dracula.

- Look, I'm trying to get
them kids in the right mood,

But you have to stay quite.

- You don't gotta tell
dracula what to do.

Dracula was born
knowing what to do.

- Just keep quiet!

Ok.

Now, for the ghost story.

It was a dark and stormy night.

These 4 teenagers and their dog

Were riding in their mystery van

When it suddenly broke down...

- You know, mandy,
if you get scared,

Feel free to grab
onto my hand, yo.

- They took shelter
in a haunted outhouse

Built on an
ancient... - Hurry up!

Dracula's knee
is starting to hurt.

- The outhouse was built on
an ancient taco stand.

The walls oozed salsa verdi.

The ceiling was covered in...

- [Singing scales]

- 'Scuse me a sec.

I gotta tinkle... Again.

- We supposed to jump out yet?

- No! What are you doing?!

- Just trying to set
the mood with some music, dear.

- Well, please don't, ok?!

Listen to me... [Muttering]

- What do you suppose grim
is saying to the bush?

- Maybe he's apologizing
for peeing on it so much.

- Bride's leg fell off!

Don't worry!

Dracula try and fix it!

- Ok, back to the...

- Dracula want to know
if you got any glue?

- Their home to...
- Or staples!

Dracula can make do
with staples.

- [Hacking cough]

- Wolf man ate up another
squirrel again.

Dracula tried to stop him.

Get your big butt out of
dracula's face, woman!

- All right! That's it!

I'm done with you people!

You hear me?
Done with you!

Expect me to help when
you keep acting up.

Stupid wolf man!

Dracula, you... - Hey, kids!

Want to see dracula dance?

- [Cheering]

- Hey!

Yeah! Ha!

- The road to stupid is paved
with good intentions.

- Grim reaper,
this court finds you guilty

Of abandoning old people
and children in the woods.

- Oh, you honor,

I'm sure they will
turn up soon...

Hopefully alive
and uneaten by bears.

Ha.

- By the power of
the underworld court,

I sentence you to


- Mmm!

Move your elbows
more like dracula!

Uh! Yeah!

Ha ha! Hit that!

- Pardon me, do you
have a second

For an informal survey?

Which of these is scarier?

These really scary monsters...

- [Moaning and groaning]

- Woof!

- Or this glass of water?

- Water?!

- Look. I'll give you 5 bucks.


Scarier than the water.

What do you say?

- Dracula's thirsty.

Gonna drink this water.

- Dracula, please don't!

- You're not
the boss of dracula!

Dracula's a grown man,

Can do what he wants!

- Can I please go now?