05x02 - Keeper of the Reaper

[bunniefuu]

[Laughter]

Push the button,
pull the chain,

Here comes the chocolate
choo choo train.

[Honking]
[screaming]

Yes!

Yes.

Yes!

[Doorbell ringing]
fred fredburger?

Yes?

Here.

You've been summoned for jury
duty.

Yes!

Yes!

Have you ever been to jury duty
before?

This is my very first one.

Gosh, I love paperwork.

Especially the part where I get
to write my name.

F-r-e-d.

F-r-e-d-b-u-r-g-e... R.

Fred fredburger, yes!

Jurors, please enter the
courtroom.

Today's trial is a custody
battle.

They get ugly.

Really ugly.

Ugly like that guy.

[Cries] so I'll need
you to be objective.

Base your decisions on the
facts.

Listen to all the evidence
presented in...

♪ Fred fredburger
fred fredburger

Fred fredburger
fred fredburger

Fred fredburger
fred fredburger

Fred fredburger... ♪

You... Going down.

All rise for the honorable
judge roy spleen.

[Clears throat]
let's get this party started.

Do you, billy, take mandy to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

I do!

And do you, mandy, take
billy...

[Buzzing]
not a wedding?

Oh, well.

You're the judge.

[Buzzing]
what do you mean I'm the judge?

What are we supposed to be
doing?

We have to listen.

To music?

Oh, I like music.

No, to them...
I like... I like music that

Goes like this:
♪ fa la la la la lallla la

La la la la la
ahhh aahh ♪

But sometimes I like... I like
music that goes like this:

♪ Bah la la la la la aahh
[gavel pounding]

Do I need to remind the jury
that they are supposed to stay

Quiet?

Yes.

Be quiet!

Ok, let's see.

If both plaintiffs could please
step forward.

You go first.

Your royal heinieness, it all
began 5 long hours ago.

Hey!

Hey, whose house is that?

Heh?

Whose house was that?

It's my house.

Oh, it's a nice house.

Ehhh... Thanks.

As I was saying, it was 5 long
hours ago.

[Boom]
[laughing]

Ok, peanut brain.

It's my turn.

[Garbled speech]
[boom]

[Laughing]
destroying stuff makes me

Feel so alive.

I second that emotion.

Ditto.

Oh, my stars and garters.

What happened in here?

Grim conjured this...
Hey, hey, who's that lady?

That's my mama.

Does your mama make cookies?

Sometimes.

Yes!

Sometimes my mom makes me
cookies with chocolate chips,

And sometimes she makes me
peanut butter bars, and

Sometimes she doesn't bake me
anything.

Chocolate chip is my favorite.

Yes.

Ooooook.

Let's start back at the part
where mandy says...

I second that emotion.

Ditto.

Oh, my stars and garters.

What happened in here?

Grim conjured us this cool
psychic megaphone.

Watch.

[Garbled speech]
[boom]

[Crash]
now, that's what I call

A welcome wagon.

Hey, hey, who's that man?

That's my dad.

Oh, you look like him.

[Laughing]
he better look like me.

'Cause if he looked like you,
he'd be pretty!

Harold, your son just
destroyed our house!

Meow.

Hang in there, baby!

Ha ha ha.

How can you be so nonchalant
about this?

Honey, remember what I
promised you would happen

Someday?

You got the surgery?

Even better.

I got transferred at work!

We're finally leaving this
garbage dump.

Transferred?

Transferred?

Aren't you excited?

We get to move to a new town and
leave behind everything that has

Meaning to you.

I don't want to leave.

I just finished marking my
territory.

[Boom]
head's up, boys.

See, your mom's got the right
attitude.

That's my girl!

Looks like your mom's ready
to go.

You'd better say your good-byes.

[Snorting]
hey, hey, are you gonna cry?

Shut up!

Good-bye, mr. Doorknob.

You've let me in and out
through good times and bad.

[Licking]
good-bye, mr. Inch and 1/4

Molding.

You framed the room ever so
nicely.

[Licking]
good-bye, mr. Electrical outlet.

You've supplied precious power
when I needed it most.

Billy, no!

Trust me.

You don't want to do that.

And most of all, good-bye my
dear, sweet mandy.

I'll miss your hands-on approach
to life.

Lick me, and I'll rip your
lips off.

Come on, grim.

Let's get going.

Not so fast, gimpy.

Who said you get grim?

He's my best friend, and the
only god's relation I have in

This horrible time in my life!

I don't get a say in this?

No!

Now let's go.

He's mine.

No, he's mine.

Mine.
Mine.

Mine.
Mine.

Mine.
Mine.

Stop it!

Just stop it.

You're behaving like spoiled
children.

I suggest you behave like
spoiled adults and settle this

In court.

Fine.

I'll see you in court.

Wrong court, dummy.

And that is how I ended up in
this hideous place surrounded by

Disgusting, nightmarish
monsters.

No offense.

Uh, excuse me?

Excuse me?

Tell me again why I'm up in this
cage?

Silence!

This whole charade is
pointless.

Grim should belong to me.

Shut your dirty pie hole!

He should belong to me!

Both of you shut your dirty
pie holes!

You will follow the rules of the
underworld court, or so help me,

I will make you sit in the
chocolate pudding chair.

The stains will never come out
of your clothes!

[Gulp]
got it?

Hey, I like the hammer
thingie.

When do we get hammer thingies?

We don't.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Looking at the
precedent set... Judge?

Hey, judge?

Yes, when do we get hammer
thingies, because I could maybe

Make some nice stuff like a
table, or some chairs, or...

This is called a gavel.

And no, you don't get one.

Then can I borrow yours for a
minute?

Oh, thank you.

♪ Fred fredburger
fred fredburger

Fred fredburger
fred fredburger... ♪

Give me that, and sit back
down.

But I wasn't finished.

Ok, let's call our first
wit...

Almost done.

♪ Fred fredburger
fred fredburger ♪

Here you go.

Ow!

My life is in the hands of
this guy?

It's like I'm in some bad
cartoon.

Please call your first
witness.

I would like to call to the
stand irwin.

Hey, this isn't my shower,
yo.

Where am i?

[Buzzing]
aah!

Aah!

Do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and

Nothing but the truth?

Please don't eat me!

Psst.

Psst.

Irwin.

Billy, I'm wet and naked, and
there are monsters everywhere.

Don't worry.

They won't hurt you...

Unless they decide to hurt you.

Irwin, if you would, please tell
the court in your own prewritten

Words why i, billy, not mandy,
am the best person to get

Custody of said grim.

Boy.

I'm cold, yo.

Can I have some pants, please?

Read it!

"I believe that billy is the
best person in all the universe

To take care of grim...

To... To keep him fed and clothed
and... And...

And... Without grim, billy would
wither, for he would have no one

To unleash his deep reservoir of
love upon."

Reservoir of love?

Sick.

I want to go home!

Please?

Not until you read the part
about my warehouse of

Compassion.

Objection.

He's leading the witness.

I'm not leading him.

I'm just trying to make him say
exactly what I want him to say.

Irwin, tell the court what
you really think.

I don't know...
Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!
Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin!

What do you want from me?!

I want the truth!

You want the truth?

You want the truth?

Judge?

Yes, judge, judge, uh, judge?

I have to go pee pee.

I have to go pee pee real bad.

Can it wait?

Apparently not.

♪ Fred fredburger
fred fredburger

Fred fredburger
fred fredburger... ♪

I hereby sentence all of you
to take a pee break.

But come back or else.

[Toilet flushing]
♪ fred fredburger

Fred fredburger
fred fredburger... ♪

I feel much better now.

Yes, thank you.

Let the custody trial
continue.

Why am I in this cage, yo?

Silence!

Judge, if I could have a
moment with billy.

What you want, huh?

Billy, in light of our
history together, I'm going to

Offer you a settlement deal.

As you can see, the terms are
fair and equitable.

You give me grim, and I give you
this.

Give me a banana!

Hmm, grim or monkey heads.

Grim or monkey heads!

Give me a banana!

On the one hand, I get the
power of the underworld.

On the other hand, I get monkey
heads.

Give me a banana!
Give me a banana!

Give me a banana!

Give me a banana!

No, mandy.

I will not be distracted by your
offerings of tasty snacks.

All right, billy, but when
you're crying yourself to sleep

At night without either grim or
a cluster of monkey heads to

Keep you comfortable, just
remember: I offered you a way

Out.

I call to the stand jeff the
spider.

Hi, everyone.

Would you please tell the
court your relationship with

Billy.

He's my dad.

Ewwww!

Billy only hatched the egg,
people.

That's all.

Oh.

And how would you rate billy
as a caregiver?

Uh, pretty good, I guess...

Except that he's never
remembered my birthday, or paid

Child support.

In fact, he usually just jabs me
with a big stick.

Ow!

I'll jab you good, you filthy
bug!

Why don't you love me, dad?

I'll be anything you want me to
be!

I want you to be dead.

No further questions.

'Lil pork chop, how long were
you billy's pet?



And what did he do to you in
those 11 minutes?

[Gibberish] I don't
want to talk about it!

I still wake up every night
screaming... Screaming...

Screaming.

No further questions.

I'd like to call the court's
attention to exhibit a.

A hat that belonged to another
of billy's pets: one wiggy jiggy

Jed, that is until billy
destroyed him.

I had a good reason!

He bored me.

And what will happen when
grim bores you?

Will you destroy him, too?

Hey, can I try on that hat?

I think it's important.

I think it's important that I
try on the hat because...

What is wrong with you?

Judge?

No; shut up.
Judge?

Shut up!
Judge?

I order you to shut up!

Judge?

Why won't you shut up?

Judge?

[Groans]
yes.

So, mandy, you think you can
make me look bad?

Well, guess what, mr. And missy
miss, I don't need you to make

Me look bad.

I can do that all on my own.

And now you force me to play
dirty.

[Laughing]
I'm a dirty boy.

I'm a dirty... I'm a dirty boy!

Billy, you've just evolved a
notch up the idiot ladder.

Such biting comments, mandy.

But now they'll
bite you... In the butt.

Ha!

I call to the stand mandy's mom
and dad.

It's not that we don't love
mandy...

We love her very much.

It's just that we're...

Kind of scared of her.

I'm usually too afraid to
even make eye contact.

When she was born, wolves
came to try and raise her as one

Of their own.

Sometimes I wonder if we were
right to stop them.

Call your next witness.

She walks around being all
gross and ugly and everything

And doesn't even apologize for
it!

She makes fun of the way I
walk.

I mean, look at me!

I'm a stinking dog!

[Gavel pounds]
what harsh words would you

Use to describe mandy?

She's uppity.

Cruel.

Unforgiving.

Cynical.

Whack.

Misanthropic.

Grouchy.

Stinky.

Bungle-ridden.

Cranky.

Scooby dooby pee pee.

Caca, poo poo, wee wee.

Who let this baby up here?

Well, mandy, I'm assuming my
relentless character

Assassination has made you
decide to give up, right?

Right, right?

Right, right, right, right?

Right?

[Growling]
yow!

Help me!

Somebody help me!

No fighting in this
courtroom.

Psst!

What?

What do you want from me?

I'm really hungry.

What do you want me to do
about it?

Go get me some nachos.

No!

Please?

Get them yourself.

Where are they?

How the heck should I know?

[Punching]
I'm hungry.

Judge, yes?

Where are the nachos?

There aren't any nachos.

Well, then, where are the hot
dogs?

There are no hot dogs.

Pizza?

No!

Tacos?

I like tacos.

Don't encourage him.

Why not?

The trial is an absolute joke
anyway.

It's obvious grim should go to
billy.

Oh, please.

Are you infected with the
bonkers?

Mandy is the only sensible
decision.

Billy!
Mandy!

Billy!

Mandy!

♪ Please vote me
the keeper of the reaper

I want to be the keeper
of the reaper

His skinny white bones
are mine to own

To do with as I see fit
give him to me

And I promise my love
won't quit ♪

♪ I disagree about
the keeper of the reaper

It should be me
who's the keeper of the reaper

Grim's not a toy
for an idiot boy

Who can't even tie his shoes
if billy wins

Then we all surely lose ♪
♪ do I get a say

In the the keeper of the reaper?

I'll make you all pay
for the keeper of the reaper

All my rage
is bottled up in this cage

Held back by these iron bars
I'll never get rid

Of the mental scars ♪
♪ I don't care

Who's the keeper of the reaper
I'm losing my hair

Over keeper of the reaper
a mountain of stress

Is crushing my chest
I'm going blind in one eye

And it's all because
of that stupid guy ♪

Mmm!

Don't worry.

I found some nachos.

Yes.

Ow!

[Snapping]
♪ time to make you ill

Old school style
grim is the corner

In my square ♪
♪ grim's the chocolate

In my eclair ♪
♪ grim is the freshener

In my air ♪
♪ grim's the conditioner

In my hair ♪
♪ grim's the picnic

In my bear ♪
♪ grim is the cushion

In my chair ♪
♪ grim is the renaissance

In my fair ♪
♪ grim is the anger

In my stare ♪
♪ grim is the stain

In my underwear ♪
♪ somehow I knew

You were gonna go there ♪
♪ we all need

The keeper of the reaper
I want to see

The keeper of the reaper ♪
all this singing

Is driving me nuts!

♪ I just want some nachos
♪ my ulcer's eating away

At my guts ♪
♪ that would be

A real good pass ♪
♪ I totally hate

That we have to debate ♪
♪ they're wondering

If it's me or you ♪
♪ it's obvious

To everyone here
it's obvious

To everyone here
it's obvious

To everyone that... ♪
I have to make poo poo!

What?

I,
uh... I have to go make a poo poo.

Yeah, ok, sure.

Go ahead.

And feel free to take as much
time as you need.

Yes.

Ok, quick!

Let's wrap this up before he
gets back.

Closing arguments.

You, go!

Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, billy is a doofus.

Just look at him.

He'll abuse grim.

Abuse him in all the wrong ways.

It's true.

But give grim to me, and I'll
abuse him in all the right ways.

Oop!

I'll use his power
to crush all... Next!

You, go!

I only have this to say:
I want grim, and I should get

Whatever I want.

And if I don't, I'll give you
each a big punch in the eye!

♪ Fred fredburger
fred fredburger

Fred fredburger
fred... Fred... Burger

Fred fredburger... ♪
He'll be back any second,

People.

Quick: how many of you vote
for billy?



Ok, and how many vote for
mandy?



Good.

It looks like
we have a... A tie.

Oh.

Oh, that's just dandy because
that guy is now our tie breaker.

Judge, the nachos made
my poo poo really stinky.

Get over here!

Now, listen to me.

I need you to... Don't touch that!

I need you to think about
everything you've heard today

And tell me who should get grim?

Billy or mandy?

Yes.

Yes to billy or yes to mandy?

Yes.

Yes?
Yes.

Yes, I see.

You're saying grim shouldn't be
separated from either billy or

Mandy because that would destroy
their friendship.

Yes.

And friendship is our most
personal treasure.

[Sniffling]
even more personal that our

Toothbrush.

Yes.

[Sniffling, crying]
fred fredburger, your words

Have moved my crusty heart.

Therefore, I hereby declare
billy's family be placed under

House arrest and never be
allowed to move.

Court adjourned!

I love my life.

I love my life.

I love my life.

[Shuddering]
see, everything worked out

For the best.

Come on, grim.

Let's go get some food.

Right behind you.

Hang on, guys.

I'll join you.

[Beeping]
[growling]

On second thought, I think
I'll just hang here.

Will you guys bring me something
back?

Maybe.

If we remember.

Ok, we'll be right here!

Later.

I love sappy endings.

Yes.

[Gargling, spitting]

How many times do I have to
tell you this is my house!

Yes.