06x02 - The Secret Snake Club vs. P.E./King Tooten Pooten

[bunniefuu]

[Sinister laughter]

Quick, jump into the tv
while they're not looking.

[Bell rings]
[all breathing heavily]

30 More seconds of warm-up
and don't get sloppy!

You get sloppy, and next thing
you know, your wife wants to go

To counseling and talk about
feelings.

Coach, our notes.

All right, hit the bench.

The rest of you, give me 10
laps.

[Blows whistle]
and don't get sloppy.

Hey, irwin, how come those
three nerds never have to do

Any of this physical stuff?

Because they have doctor's
notes, yo.

Are they sick?

No, they're just meganerds.

P.e. And nerds don't mix.

It isn't good for them, yo.

[Boys panting]
it isn't good for us either.

P.e. Makes my heart beat
all fast.

[Billy panting]
it makes it hard for me to

Breathe.

[Gasping]
it makes you all stinky.

And it makes pud'n barf up in
his mouth.

Ugh!

We gots to find out
the nerds' secret for avoiding

P.e. Before it...

[Billy wheezes]
kills us.

Billy... Don't get sloppy!

Viper, I totally disagree
with your assessment.

A level-60 warlock geared for
stamina and shadow damage...

Pardon us, but would you mind
if we join you?

Ahem!

Who put you up to this?

Was it the heathers?

No. We just wanted to sit
with you.

Well, you cannot!

This table is reserved for
members of an exclusive club

Who... No, wait!

Come back.

To sit with us, you must first
recite the pass code.

No, wait!

Come back.

You can sit with us if you give
us your pudding cup.

Wait!

Come back.

We are so lonely.

So what topics should we
discuss?

Science fiction?

Science fantasy?

Role-playing games?

Physics?

Actually, we need to ask you
something.

Something about p.e.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, great.

Now you have upset king cobra.

Aah!

Uhh-uhh!

Hurry up and get him the
pudding!

Mm! Mm!

Mm!

So, you wish to know our
secret of avoidance, do you?

More than anything!

And are there others who
feel the same?

Uh-huh!

Good!

We shall spread the word.

"Today after school, a
clandestine meeting to plot the

Final downfall of physical
education."

[Laughing sinisterly]

Welcome, fellow conspirators,
to the lair of the secret snake
club.

Yes. Question?

How come we can't sit down?

My grandmother doesn't like
anyone on her furniture.

Now, before we reveal our
dark secret...

You must decide.

If you eat the blue cupcake,
the story ends.

You wake up in your bed and
believe whatever you want to

Believe.

You eat the red cupcake, you
stay in wonderland, and I'll

Show you how deep the rabbit
hole goes.

Are there any chocolate
cupcakes?

What happens if I eat the
chocolate cupcake?

Chocolate gives me diarrhea,
yo.

I don't want any diarrhea!

Ooh! Then can I have your
diarrhea?

No one is getting diarrhea.

The cupcakes are a metaphor!

You will now recite the secret
snake club oath.

Ooh!

"By the ember light of my
vorpal blade..."

By the ember light of my
vorpal blade...

"By graptar's hammer..."

By graptar's hammer...

"By the shining dirk of
cromulon..."

By the shining dirk of
cromulon...

Hey, I thought we
agreed to cut out that part.

Hey, I thought we agreed to
cut out that part?

I am not having this
argument with you again, viper.

[Boys repeating conversation]
the dirk was clearly

Destroyed in episode 26-b of
"star voyage."

That was an alternate
universe, duh, and you know it.

That was an alternate
universe, duh, and you know it.

Shut up!

You shut up!

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

Shut up!
Shut up, shut up.

Shut up, shut up!
No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

Shut up, shut up.

I said, shut up.

I said, shut up!

[Boys repeating conversation]
ooh, you shut up.

You shut up!

All of you, shut up!

This oath is over.

So, are we in the club now?

Yes!

Yeah!

No more p.e.!

As members, you will now be
assigned your...

Secret names.

Now, let's see.

You shall be constrictor.

You are corn snake.

Copperhead.

The adder.

Ooh, ooh.

I want to be golden retriever.

If this were the secret dog
club, you could be, but it is

The secret snake club.

Therefore...
Chihuahua man!

I want to be chihuahua man!

No, you see, again, this
is...

Purple giraffe!

No!

I still think you're wrong
about the dirk.

Let it go, viper!

Just let it go!

Purple giraffe.

Lightning bolt.

Lightning bolt!

I'm not going to duel you
over this.

Lightning bolt!

Ok, fine.

If that is how you want it, I
cast fireball!

Lightning bolt!

Fireball!

Lightning bolt!

These guys are total nerds!

No more dork talk!

You nerds better tell me how to
get out of p.e. Right now!

Fried cheese sticks.

Everyone needs fried cheese
sticks.

[Knock knock]
we need excuse notes.

And we brought payment.

Fried cheese sticks.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Dad?

I didn't know you were a doctor.

No, neither did i,
but apparently, all you need is

This head doodad and this neck
womble, and people pay you to

Fix them.

Why, just this very morning, I
did a heart transplant.

Wait! Wait!

I think that's a tomato!

So what do you rotten little
delinquents need to be excused

From?

P.e.!

Ew! Ugh!

No! See, that's an ethical gray
area, and a doctor of my

Standing shouldn't...
We have fried zucchini!

A note for you, a note for
you, a note for you...

No note for you.

No note?!

Son, if I gave you a fake
note to get out of p.e.,

What kind of parent would that
make me, huh?

Huh, huh?

Well, billy, since everyone
else seems to have

Simultaneously contracted
"the cooties," I guess I have

No choice but to...
Cancel p.e.?

No. To make you exercise
for the whole class.

Lift those knees!

Reach for it.

Come on!

Keep your core activated.

50 More.

Don't get sloppy.

You get sloppy, and your wife
suddenly won't let you eat

Steak on tuesdays.

We got to do something, yo.

Coach is k*lling billy with
exercise.

Calm down, constrictor.

This is all part of the plan.

You see, we needed someone to
keep coach's attention so that

We can perform... The summoning.

We shall call upon the power of
our snake brethren to destroy

This accursed gymnasium.

Everyone get inside the
summoning circle.

Activate the thumper.

Everyone join hands, and now
repeat the words of the ancient

And dark incantation.

I passed out lyric sheets for
those not familiar.

"I could hide 'neath the
wings of the bluebird as she

Sings
the 6 o'clock alarm would never

Ring, but it rings and I rise
wipe the sleep out of my eyes

My shavin' razor's cold
and it stings."

The destroyer!

The destroyer is here!

Whoa!

Uh, that... That's the
destroyer?

Just remember, it
is only the size of your will

That truly matters.

Look at her go.

See, she is scuffing up the
floor.

In an hour or so, that should
leave a permanent mark.

We'll get there when we get
there...

That's very sweet of you...

Give me that scythe!

I stopped caring like


Out of my way!

Now that's what I'm talking
about!

[Destroyer roars]
[boys cheer]

Yes, yes!

Destroy! Destroy!

Ah, it is a glorious victory.

Yes, I could stand here and
look at this all day!

Did it ever once occur to
you stupid, stupid boys that

Maybe we girls want p.e.?

Hmm?

That maybe we need an outlet
for our aggression?

Well, I see that... Ooh.

Oh, cromulon.

Come on, ladies.

Be reasonable, yo.

I regret nothing!
[Punches being thrown]

You know what happened?

You got sloppy!

Here we go, kids, the
ancient egypt exhibit.

Wow. This takes me back.

This is when I was interning
for osiris, god of the

Underworld.

He had me mostly making coffee
and mummifying cats, pulling

Up rings out of a corpse's
nose, weighing the bodies of

The dead, you know, mindless
grunt work, but it made me into

The reaper I am today.

You mean a pathetic sl*ve to
two children?

Exactly.

Half-naked animal people,
triangle-shaped buildings,

Jewelry with bugs in it.

I've got to admit,
these egyptians had style.

Wouldn't you agree, billy?

Billy!

Oh, great.

Where'd he go now?

Aah!

I am a big, stupid, mindless
mummy and i...

Hi, irwin.

That is real messed up, yo,
and in front of my family, too.

You know my mommy is a mummy.

My daddy loves my mummy mommy,
and I'm half-mummy from my toes

To my tummy, yo.

See?

Um, t.m.i.

Hey, we're here to check out
my mummy grandpa... The great

Pharaoh king poppin' lockin'.

Check it out, yo.

According to this ancient comic
strip, back in the day, king

Poppin' lockin' was a low-down
funky fresh gangster, yo.

He controlled miles of the nile
with an iron fist.

Grandpa even tried to get my
mom to follow in his footsteps,

But after seeing how poorly he
treated his followers, she was

Like, "no. Forget it, old man."

And he was all like, "how can
you walk away from tradition,

Yo?"
So mama got to steppin', and

They never spoke to each other
again.

Your story bores me.

Get to the point.

The point is, mandy, I
didn't even know any of this

Before coming to the museum
today.

Now I'm more in touch with my
mummy heritage than ever before.

Ah... Mummy heritage.

Come on, mandy.

At least join me on the
audio tour.

Grr!

[Punch is thrown]
ok! I understand.

Some other time, my love.

Come on, mom and dad.

Well, I guess I'll trilly.

No time to slide the jib.

We're ghosts.

Oh, ok.

What the heck did he just say?

[Crash]
[alarm]

[Snoring]
yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Irwin!

Oh, mandy!

Irwin!

Not now, billy.

I'm trying to make my move, yo.

Irwin!

Mandy!

Irwin!

I have returned from the
afterlife for you.

[Pppbbblllttt]
who are you, anyway?

Who am i?

Who am i?

Why, it's me, your grandfather,
the great pharaoh,

King poppin' lockin'.

Come here, my little bubbala.

Oy, it's so nice to finally
meet my grandson.

I hope I didn't frighten you.

I knew the only way I could see
you was by breaking into your

House and visiting you
in your room

In the middle of the night.

Oh, it's all good, yo.

Hey, it's not the first time a
strange person in a costume

Broke into my room and tried to
visit me in the middle of the

Night.

Sassy cat, attack!

Oh, no!

The tooth fairy!

Not again!

Hey, grandpa, wait right there.

I'll go wake up mom and dad.

Whoa!

Slow down, sonny.

Not just yet.

It's the middle of the night.

Besides, I have a gift I wanted
to give you.

A gift?

It's a surprise.

First, you gotta close your
eyes.

There!

It's like a 64-ounce soda
cup, yo.

Why, grandpa?

Why do you want me to wear a
beverage container?

It's the crown of the sacred
scarab!

You... You're next in line to
inherit the title of pharaoh.

Me?!

A pharaoh?

I don't know.

Will it make me more popular
with the ladies?

But of course it will.

But if you really want to
impress the girls, you got to

Be a man and build a pyramid.

A pyramid?

In ancient egypt, we have a
saying, "the sure-fire way to a

Woman's heart is through her
chest."

[Rim shot]
or you could build a pyramid.

All right!

I'll do it!

Whoa, grandpa.

What's that?

What, this thing?

This is a starga... I mean
space door.

It's a key ingredient we need
to get started.

It functions by tunneling
through sub-space to form a

Worm hole allowing
instantaneous travel across

Millions of light years.

It's an unstable, untested
dimensional vortex.

You'll be fine!

Now you stand there, and I'll
chant the magic words behind

This sturdy wall over here,
where it's safe.

That's messed up, yo.

Ok. Here we go!

[Coughs]
bialy, zayen, sherman, sherman,

Huy!

All right, now I'm ready.

Ahem!

Ooh, baby!

Who put the bop in the bop
sh-bop, sh-bop?

Who put the ram in the
ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

Aah!

Boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy
shoo!

[Buzz]
aw. That wasn't so bad.

Aah!

[Poppin' lockin' laughing]
[people screaming]

Duh.

Caw.

[Groans in low tone]
hey, mom.

Hey, dad.

[Mom and dad groan]
hey, what's the matter?

No coffee this morning?

No time for that.

We're off to work.

For the glory of tooten pooten.

Uhh!

What the... Tooten pooten.

Tooten pooten.

You guys!

What did you do this time,
billy?

I didn't do nothing.

Then if it wasn't you two,
then who?

Long live the nerd king.

Irwin!

Tooten pooten,
tooten pooten!

"Oh, king tooten pooten, your
crown is so manly."

"That's right, mandy, and only
i, the pharaoh, can wear this

Sacred 64-ounce headpiece."

"Ooh. Let's make out, yo."

[Imitating kissing sounds]
ahem.

Your majesty.

Aah!

You have guests.

So, irwin, I guess they
finally crowned you king of the

Dorks.

I'll have you know my name
is now king tooten pooten, and

Soon, I'll have my own pyramid
from which I will rule all of

Endsville.

Of course, I will be needing a
queen.

Ooh!

I'll be your queen!

[Mom speaking native language]
am I the only one who needs

Subtitles for this episode?

Allow me to translate, my
love.

She's saying, "hey, yo, pops,
you're building pyramids again.

You always do this.

What's up with that?"
My father had a pyramid; I

Had a pyramid; and by gosh, my
grandson will have one, too.

It's tradition!

[Mom speaking native language]
"times change, dad.

Tradition is all right, but
this is another day.

Irwin doesn't have to build a
pyramid if he doesn't want to."

Look, son, you don't have to
live up to any expectations.

Just be yourself, and people
will like you, you big nerd.

Come on, bubbala.

The desire to build pyramids is
in your blood.

You're a pharaoh at heart.

[Mom speaking native language]
wh-what do I do?

Do I give up the biggest chance
of my life, or do I break my

Mother's heart?

What do my friends think?

That's my grandson!

I have made up my mind.

Double production speed for the
glory of tooten pooten!

Hah!

As we say in ancient egypt,
"boo-ya!

How do you like me now?"
[Mom speaking native language]

"Yeah, thanks, dad.

Thanks a lot.

This is why we never visit!"
Having a pyramid is so

Awesome, grandpa.

Yep, it sure is.

Gee, I'm getting kind of
hungry.

I'm gonna go grab a pizza.

Huh!

That's not going to happen.

Why not, yo?

A pharaoh is always entombed
in his pyramid, and the pyramid

Is almost complete.

Once they seal that hole up
there, we can never leave.

Never leave?!

No!

Help!

Get me out of here!

Hey! Quiet!

Boychick, if you don't stop
your kvetching, I'll give you

Such a potch on your tuchus.

This is totally messed up,
yo.

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

Ow! Ooh... Zap!

Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!

Zap!

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt, lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

Ow! Ow!

[Billy chuckling]

Idiots!