03x06 - State Fair and Balanced/Pussyfoot Soldier

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: And the winner
of the State Fair cook-off

with his barbeque carrot
recipe, Bugs Bunny.

Wow, my first
State Fair ribbon.

Not my favorite color.
But blue is nice.

Not so fast, rabbit.
This here is my State Fair.

And I'm the only one who wins
blue ribbons around here.

Your State Fair?
I don't see
your name on it.

Well, did you see this here
50-foot statue of yours truly?

Oh, yeah, I see it.
Very subtle.

I've been State Fair
blue ribbon winner

for every event in
the past 12 years.

(KISSES)

So I'll be keeping
this ribbon and making it mine.

Take it.
You need it
more than I do.

What with all
that scuttlebutt
going on about you.

"Scuttlebutt"?

What do you mean?

Just that you're short,
you're ugly.

How you ain't
the State Fair king
you used to be.

What do I do
to get them
to stop talking?

I don't know.
Whoa!

Maybe compete in a series
of State Fair contests
with the winner declared

as the king of the State Fair?
Just a thought.

That's it.

But where am I gonna find
a chump foolish enough
to challenge me?

Certainly not me.
I wouldn't stand
a chance against you.

You'll do.

Listen up, everybody.
I'm gonna take on
this here rabbit

in a bunch of State
Fair events.

And whoever wins will
be the king of this
here State Fair.

ANNOUNCER: The next contest
is butter sculpting.

Since Bugs won the cook-off,
he's up one to nothing.

We can only use
this plastic knife
and string

to turn the block of butter
into a beautiful sculpture.

I know the rules,
you darn idiot.

(GRUNTING)
Nuts to this!

I'm gonna
have to cheat.

And kids,
if you're gonna cheat,

make sure you give it
one hundred percent.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

Oops! (EXCLAIMS)

Now, I don't know.

Ooh! Look at that!

It's our former
19th President,
Rutherford B. Hayes.

Mr. President.

ANNOUNCER: And Bugs wins
the butter sculpting contest.

What!

ANNOUNCER: Next up,
the pumpkin toss.

Stand back, rabbit.
And watch a real
pumpkin slinger in action.

Hurl, sling!

Ha! Let's see you
beat that, rabbit.

Missed.
Let me try again.

(GROANS REPEATEDLY)

That little cowboy keeps running
into all my pumpkins.

(LAUGHS) Rabbit, you used
up all your pumpkins.

Which means you ain't got
no more a*mo.

That's okay. I'll just use
this State Fair garbage.

It's filled with
moldy funnel cakes,
beef-fried chicken feet,

and oodles of stinky,
day-old cheese curds.

(FLIES BUZZING)
I think I tasted a bit of that
last one in my mouth.

ANNOUNCER: Well, since
Sam is the only one
who hit the target,

Sam wins!

ANNOUNCER: Up next,
the Pig Calling contest.

I bet you don't
even know how
to call a pig.

Ah, sure I do.
I do it all the time.

PORKY: Hello.
Hiya, Porky.
How's it going?

Oh, good. I'm glad
you called actually.

I was hoping to get that $10
you owe me. So I can...

Well, good talk, Porky.
See? Nothing to it.

One pig?
That's all you got?

Step aside, rabbit.

And learn from
a professional.

Here, piggy, piggy,
piggies.

Sooey!

Sooey!

SAM: Ow! Ow!
My biscuits.

ANNOUNCER: That was one
impressive pack of pigs.

And with that Yosemite Sam
has tied it up.

(GROANING) Atta boy, Sammy...

(CHAINSAW BUZZING)

(CHUCKLES) Talk about
a close shave.

ANNOUNCER: It's time
for our final event,

the champion
pie eating contest.

Whoever eats the most pies
is king of the State Fair.

Which is gonna be me.

ANNOUNCER: On your mark.
Get set and eat.

Hey, Sam. Remember that time
I blasted those stinky
cheese curds in your mouth?

And what if you were riding
on a roller coaster with
a mouthful of those curds?

(GAGGING)

And all you had
to wash it down
was a cup of warm curds?

Curds.

(SAM GAGGING)

(RETCHING)

Guess the poor guy
had to forfeit.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner
is Bugs Bunny.

What in tarnation!

ANNOUNCER: Introducing
the new State Fair king!

(CHEERING)

SAM: Boo. Boo. Boo.

(EXCLAIMS)

Uh-oh!

Easy, piggies,
put me down.

(CHAINSAW BUZZING)

What did you think
was gonna happen?
Sam was gonna win?

(DOG GROWLING)

OFFICER: All right,
Marc Anthony,
attack that squirrel.

(GROWLING)

Eviscerate that rabbit!

Pulverize that skunk!

(EXCLAIMS) Now,
that's a guard dog the
Marine Corps can be proud of.

Now, it is up to you
to make sure nothing,

and I mean nothing,
breaches this sector.

Now fall out
and report
to your duties.

(MILITARY MARCH PLAYS)

(SOFT MEOWING)

(LULLABYE PLAYS)

(MEOWING)

(GROWLING AND BARKING)

(CHUCKLING)

(MEOWING)

OFFICER: Marc Anthony,
report in for chow!

OFFICER: Marc Anthony,
get in here!

OFFICER: Marc Anthony, fall in!

Marc Anthony,
did you secure
the perimeter?

Now, after you scarf
this hunk of meat,

I want you to guard
these barracks with your life.

I'm off to my sleeping quarters
and am not, I repeat,

not to be disturbed.

I am taking a nap
of national importance.

(MEOWS)

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS)

(MEOWS)

(SNORING)

OFFICER: Is that you,
sugar bear?

Oh. Cuddle time.

Gimme a kiss.

(SLURPING)

OFFICER: Marc Anthony!

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

Marc Anthony, what is
your major malfunction,
numb-crack?

What are you doing
with my collection of plates,

commemorating the films
of the great Bette Midler?

How did my bust of
Rutherford B. Hayes
get off the credenza?

What in the name
of Lincoln's ghost
is going on in the kitchen?

Who or what has
infiltrated this sector?

(CRASH)

Is it just me,

or was I nearly
waxed by a piece
of air-borne crockery?

Now I know you couldn't
have intended to...

You just broke Beaches
and First Wives Club,

you worthless
pile of mule meat!

That's it. Marc Anthony,
you are going to pay for that!

Come here!
Not Hocus Pocus.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Now you come back.
Hey, hey, stop that, hey.

Now get outside
and man your post.

At least you didn't get
Down and Out in Beverly Hills.

Now what's
going on in here?

Hmm. Something's clogging
this puppy up.

Better run
the clog protocol.

Garbage disposal, engage.

(WHIRRING)

Well, that's
not clearing it.

(GRUNTING)

(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

Finally, whatever was in
that sink just got chopped up
into itty bitty pieces.

(SOBBING)

(MEOWING)

(PURRING)

Marc Anthony,
what do you have there?

Why are you
holding that kitten?

Why are you not pulverizing
that kitten until it is
no longer a threat to this area?

I order you
to place the kitten
on the deck, at your feet.

Attack! Attack!

Either you attack that kitten
right now, or I will.

(GROWLING)

Easy, boy, remember
your training.

Stand down!
Stand down! (SCREAMS)

OFFICER:

Hut, two, three, four.

Excuse me, sir.
Can I get a break?

I've got to go to
the little boys' room.

(GROWLING)

Okay. Okay. I'm marching.
I'm marching.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)