Felicia Madison: Better Than Sex (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Can I kvetch?

Can I kvetch a little bit? Is it okay?

I'm going to start with

how I was introduced on stage the other day.

The host,

he introduced me like this.

He said, "And now

for a little estrogen."

Can you believe...

He thought I still had estrogen.

Yeah, it's hard.

It's hard being a woman

in this business.

It's even harder

being an older woman in this business, right?

No one is looking

for Amy Schumer's mother.

And with

my estrogen levels,

I'm more likely to be

the next Chuck Schumer.

But my friends

are so supportive.

They say things

to me like,

"Felicia, Phyllis Diller

started when she was 40."

Like that would

make me feel better...

if I were 40.

The other day, I got

off stage and this guy came up to me

and said, "You know, Felicia,

no one wants to hear

"from a woman over 50."

I'm like, "You know what?

"You're sleeping on

the couch tonight."

That's my

supportive husband.

He said, "Don't take this

the wrong way.

"But I think you've

aged out of telling sex jokes on stage."

I'm like, "Yeah, you know

what else I aged out of?

"Our prenup."

But he's got a point.

It's hard.

It's hard. Sometimes, like in the audience,

no one has kids,

no one's even married.

The only thing I have

in common with them

are STDs.

Because I have three...

27, 25, and 21...

Sexually transmitted

dependents.

They're just like STDs.

They're annoying

and irritating.

And just when

you think it's going away, it comes back.

Oh, yeah,

it's really hard.

We'll find like a young man

in the audience and look at him

and be like,

"I can be your Mrs. Robinson."

You're laughing. He's like,

"Who's Mrs. Robinson?"

And fun fact...

Anne Bancroft was 35

when she filmed that.

So I could be

Mrs. Robinson's mother.

And then I have these,

like, young comedians on stage.

They're like,

"Oh, my God, my wrinkles.

"I'm fat... My body...

I'm so old..."

They're 30.

And I get on stage

like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Just you wait,

my pretty.

It's gonna get worse.

And they complain.

They complain about

things like Plan B.

"It's so expensive,

my boyfriend won't pay for it."

You're gonna tell him

to pay for it,

because he's gonna be

really upset

when he finds out

how expensive Plan A is.

I said to one of them...

I said, "You know,

"you've been

dating your boyfriend for seven years.

"When are you guys

going to get married?"

And she said to me, "Felicia,

I make more money than him and I don't want kids.

"Why would I get married?"

And I said...

"I have no idea."

This generation,

they're not getting married,

they're not having kids.

They're leaving

child rearing to the teenagers,

the Trump supporters

and the Texans.

Go America.

God, I'm excited for them,

because they're a little bit more fortunate than I was,

because that glass ceiling

has finally been shattered

by all the white men

falling through it.

And now they can

have it all.

They want it all.

I'm like, "All is a lot."

I don't want it all.

My husband doesn't even

have it all.

I have half.

No. But I am excited,

you know, for women to lead,

and there'll be no more

sex, lies, and corruption in the world.

Or so I thought.

It's not going

so well, girls.

There are a lot

of corrupt women out there, right.

Already there's like,

let's see... Elizabeth Holmes,

Ghislaine Maxwell,

Miss Piggy...

What?

She's been mean to Kermit for decades.

And the first

female president...

That's gonna happen soon.

Right, girls? Right?

- You think so?

-Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a little worried about it, though.

There might be

a little drama.

I mean, like,

"Madam President,

"I have

the Secretary of State on the line."

"I'm not speaking to her."

"Why?"

"She knows."

Yeah, but I decided

with all the naysayers and the critics,

I decided to do this

anyway, right?

Mainly because

of my idol, Joan Rivers.

She's shown me

my career could survive another 20 plastic surgeries.

And I'm doing this,

because I want to prove to my kids

that I could do

something with my life other than ruining theirs.

So I'm taking this special

and I'm putting it in my will.

And my kids

aren't gonna get any of my money...

until all my grandkids

watch it.

So, grandkids,

this is for you.

I don't know what device

you're watching this on,

but I want you to know

it makes Grandma look

ten pounds heavier.

So I grew up...

Anyone grew up in New York?

Any true New Yorkers here?

Yeah!

I grew up in the worst,

most embarrassing part of the city.

New Jersey.

I was born

Felicia Joy Madison.

My parents were

very happy to have me.

My brothers,

not so much.

And then I got married

and the joy left my life.

I became

Felicia Madison Levy,

which sounds like

a feminist Jewish law firm.

So I go

by Felicia Madison.

I never liked

my first name. I hated it.

I was teased

in middle school.

They called me this name,

I didn't know what it was.

It was "fellatio."

So one day I went to my dad

and I said, "Dad, what does fellatio mean?"

And he looked at me

and said, "You know... You know...

"You know what?

I don't remember."

So then I went to my mom

and I asked my mom,

"Mom, what does

fellatio mean?"

And she sat me down

and she said, "Felicia,

"fellatio is when a woman

pleasures a man

"by putting her mouth

on his p*nis."

"That's terrible."

She said,

"Because they're teasing you?"

I said, "No,

because Dad has no idea."

So luckily,

I graduated from that to, "Bye, Felicia."

Did you guys know

what "Bye, Felicia" means? Anyone?

No? Yeah.

It means a random b*tch that no one's sad to see go.

FML.

Those are my initials.

I grew up.

I was the poorest girl in my neighborhood,

and I hated it.

I know it's

hard to believe now, but it was.

I was.

And I complained all the time to my mom.

And she said to me,

"Felicia, with money comes problems."

And I said,

"Bring them on. Show me the problems."

So I studied hard.

I went to an Ivy League school

and I succeeded the old fashioned way.

Yeah.

I married my boss.

I didn't marry my boss.

He wouldn't leave his wife.

Don't judge.

There was

no sexual harassment back then.

It was a weekly review.

And I'm an overachiever.

But thanks to this

Me Too movement,

they're clamping down

on office romance.

And now you young girls

are never gonna find a husband.

Yeah, I did.

I got married.

It was hard work.

Yeah.

It took my husband

three years to propose to me.

Three years I had to be

on my best behavior.

I was cooking, cleaning,

swallowing...

I'm kidding.

I don't clean.

I became a mom.

Someone told me

it would make me happy.

Oh!

They told me it was

the best job in the world.

I'm like if it was

the best job in the world,

a man would have it.

Best job?

I work 24/7,

no vacation, no pay.

My employees

complain all the time.

"You suck! I hate you!

You're the worst."

And my coworker

sexually harasses me every day.

Best job in the world.

Do you know that

one in nine women

suffer from postpartum

depression?

Yeah, one in nine.

But the good news is

the government's gotten involved,

and they created

paternity leave.

Yeah, they're sending

the men home to help.

So now nine on nine women

have postpartum depression.

Yeah, I was lucky

I had my mom.

She was so helpful.

Oh, my God,

she would come over and give me the best advice.

She would say,

"Felicia, you're so hard on them.

"They're just kids.

"Relax. Let them be."

Where was she

when I was growing up?

She's always saying to me,

"It's so much harder raising kids now."

I'm like, "Yeah,

that generation was so laid-back,

"they needed

to be reminded to look for us."

It's 10:00 p.m.

Do you know where your children are?

I know where my kid is

every second of the day.

Okay?

I have an app for it.

She's making a left

on 97th and 5th.

They're in a Uber

right now.

And disciplining?

All she had to say was,

"Wait until your dad gets home."

And we listened, right?

You listened.

Because why?

Because they could

hit us, yell at us, right.

We can't do that

anymore.

All I can say is,

"Wait till Dad gets home.

"I'm sending him in

for another

"long, boring talk."

And my son,

he looks at me and he goes, "Mom, please just hit me."

My dad would yell at me

if I left the lights on in the house.

Like, "What, do you own

stock in the electric company?"

I can't do that,

because my kids do.

And what about this?

You know,

when they grounded us,

"Go to your room

and don't come out

"till you're ready

to apologize."

My kids would

never come out.

I always came out right away,

because I left my phone in the kitchen,

attached to the wall.

So I have three kids.

My oldest one is stubborn,

like my husband.

My middle one's gorgeous,

like my trainer. And my...

And my third one, finally,

one that looks like me,

acts like me,

and I can't stand her.

But my oldest one.

When she was 16,

she was diagnosed

with a learning disorder

that made it

very difficult for her to express her feelings.

So we decided

not to treat her.

She's my favorite.

And everyone

has favorites.

You have a favorite, right?

You a favorite?

Oh, come on.

Everyone's mom...

Every mom has a favorite.

You don't think

Jeffrey Dahmer's mom didn't have a favorite?

News flash,

it wasn't Jeffrey.

Yeah. So she's got

extra time in school.

That's where you

can take a test

over multiple hours or days,

or even take it home.

And you're eligible

for this

if you have

ADHD, dyslexia,

or rich parents.

It's a good system,

but I'm a little worried

how these kids

are going to adapt in the real world.

I don't want to go

for my colonoscopy

and have the doctor say

to me,

"Usually this takes a half hour.

"But I get extra time.

"So see you tomorrow."

My son's amazing...

until I sent him to college.

It was very stressful

sending a boy out into the world

without a fully

developed brain.

When he went to college,

he started texting me pictures of all his ailments.

It would be like his bruises,

his ingrown nail, his rashes.

And one day he sent me

a picture of his bloody snot and asked,

"Is this normal?"

I'm like, "The blood,

or the fact that you're sending it to me?"

Honestly,

I was just thankful he didn't get an STD,

because I did not want

my first d*ck pic to be from my son.

But he's a good kid.

He's really great,

you know.

He calls me once a week,

right after I change

the Netflix password.

So I had a girl,

then a boy, then a third girl.

And everyone

always asks me if she was a mistake.

And I say,

"Not at the time."

She was a terror

when she was a teenager.

They have this

"terrible twos," "sweet 16" all mixed up.

It should be "adorable twos"

and "get the f*ck

out of my house 16."

I thought she was

drinking the liquor.

So I came up with this plan,

I started marking

all the bottles of alcohol

to the fill line.

And I did this

for a month.

And you know

what I found out?

I'm an alcoholic.

But can you

blame me?

I mean,

can you blame me?

She's so moody.

I need like a weather app

to predict her moods.

You know? "Today,

partly whiny with a chance of b*tch."

"Sunny skies.

"She wants money, guys."

Or maybe it's

more like Waze.

You know, like,

"Watch out, PMS ahead.

"Rerouting,

boyfriend breakup."

"Hazard,

horny husband."

Works for him too.

Yeah,

she complains to me all the time.

The other day

she came home and she said,

"Oh, my God, my hair,

it's frizzy and needs highlights.

"I want a nose job."

"Listen.

What is wrong with you?"

And she said to me,

"I'm just trying to get rid

of all my unattractive Jewish traits."

But then

I thought about it.

I was like, "Okay.

"Let's start with complaining."

And she had the nerve

to say to me one day,

"When did your style

become so matronly?"

"Like, the minute you came out

of my body and ruined it. Obviously."

But luckily, she gets along

really well with her sister.

They're so cute together.

They're great friends.

And they're really adorable

until they go to take an Instagram picture

and become total sluts.

I'm like, "Girls!

Girls, What are you doing?

"And can you teach me?"

So they told me

to make a smize.

Does anyone know

what a smize is?

Anyone?

You know what a smize is?

No? I didn't...

I didn't know it either.

It's when you smile

with your eyebrows,

like raise your eyebrows

and I said to them, "You see this?

"It doesn't move anymore."

So they said, "Okay,

try a duck face, Mom." And I went like...

She's like,

"No, no, no, no, Mom.

"Just look down

and lightly suck."

And I'm like,

"Ooh, I don't do that anymore either."

But you know what

a really fun thing

to do with

a teenage girl is?

It's amazing.

A great bonding experience.

College tours.

Yeah, I took her

across the country.

Oh, my God,

like the hair pulling, the crying, the whining,

and she wasn't

happy, either.

The only one

that was happy was my husband.

He was there

with his map.

Yeah, a paper one.

Even I was embarrassed.

And he was searching

for the frat houses,

the football stadiums, and his lost youth.

Someone else has

a husband with a lost youth.

And it always is the same

where you all,

like pile into an auditorium

with all these other

miserable parents

and their STDs.

And there's someone

trying to convince you to send your child

to this elite,

idyllic, pristine,

beautiful

Ivy League school.

You don't have to pitch me.

Like, why are you pitching me?

This isn't Scientology.

You had me at hello.

It's like me bumping into

Bradley Cooper on the street

and him trying to convince me

to go on a date with him.

I'm like,

you had me at shallow.

And then you

go on the tour.

The tour guide always has

this huge jug of water.

How long is this tour?

I mean, seriously?

The Jews had less water

in the desert for 40 years.

I mean,

I never walked around

with a bottle of water

growing up. Did you?

Did you? No.

When you were thirsty,

what did you do?

-Water fountain.

- Water fountain, exactly.

We'd find a water fountain,

and we lean over

and get our tongue a little wet.

And we were fine all day.

Which made me realize

that this generation is just over hydrated.

Which may be

why they're so fluid.

Then I get to

the security portion

and the security person

says, "Okay,

"if your child's nervous

to walk home alone at night,

"we have a number

for her to call.

"And we'll arrange to

have her walked home

"by a football player."

Isn't that what

I was worried about?

"Don't worry.

We send two football players."

Oh, my God.

Can I have the number?

Luckily, we got her

into school.

She was so excited.

She just wanted to get

as far away from us as possible.

She had one requirement,

she said,

"I want to go

out of the country."

So we sent her to Texas.

And it's a big difference

between moving a girl to school

and a boy to school.

Does anyone

have girls and boys?

They experience this?

- Yeah? Do you agree?

-Yes.

Everyone agree? Yeah.

Okay.

This is what my daughter brought to school. Okay?

Three bags of clothes,

two bags of shoes, one bag of makeup,

an area rug, a throw rug,

a dust ruffle, a duvet, two sets of seats, pillow,

decorative pillows, shams,

more decorative pillows,

lights, twinkle lights,

neon lights,

a vanity mirror,

a regular mirror, a decorative mirror,

four sets of prints,

two photo boards.

None of me.

One vision board,

a shoe rack, a clothes rack, her rack,

an air fryer, a toaster,

and an espresso maker.

And my son

brought his iPhone...

and forgot his charger.

They also advise kids

these days

not to have sex

when they're drunk.

I don't know about you,

but I can't imagine

being in college

and having sex when I wasn't drunk,

I can't even

imagine it now.

Anyway, someone said

if my son happened to take a girl out

and they were drinking,

that he should take her out

for coffee the next day to protect himself.

Yeah, yeah.

So we dropped him off at college

with a box of condoms and a Starbucks card.

And we dropped our daughter off

with an espresso maker.

So I became

an empty nester.

Thank you.

I started a podcast

with my friend called Empty Nesters Podcast.

It was designed

to help women. -

Yeah. It was designed

to help women like

adapt to this new phase

in their life.

And it was a complete failure,

because everyone was completely happy.

I was very happy

until I got an email

a week later from the school

saying there was

visiting weekend in two weeks.

I said to him,

"She just left.

"She's fine.

I'm fine. We're fine."

But of course we went,

and I went to go speak to the teacher.

And the teacher said to me,

"Oh, I cannot talk to you about your daughter."

I was like, "Why?"

She said, "They're fur pelage.

Your daughter is an adult now."

I'm like, "Oh.

"Can you tell her that?"

And while you're at it,

send her the bills.

And why am I here?

So I went home.

A month later, I get a call

from my adult.

I always know

when she's calling,

because I get a text first

from the bank.

She said,

"Mom, I'm in trouble.

"I went to

a fraternity date night.

"I got busted

for underage drinking, and I have to go to court."

I went, "Oh, my God.

"You had a date?"

She's like, "Oh, Mom,

we're just friends."

And I'm like,

"Oh, better luck in court."

And she's like,

"You gotta help me."

So she got what is

called an MIP.

Does anyone know

what that is?

What is it?

Who said it?

-Minor in possession.

- Minor in possession.

I didn't know that. It's a...

It's a minor possession.

Of alcohol, not my money.

And so I said,

"Oh, sweetie, no problem.

"Just call them up.

"You're not a minor.

Tell them you're an adult now."

So, yeah, my kids spend

different amounts of money.

Like, my son spends

a lot less than my daughters, and it's not their fault,

because they have to buy

more expensive things.

They do.

I actually know what my kids

spend their money on,

because I snoop on their Venmo.

Is anyone else... Creepy?

At my son's Venmo,

the emojis are like cheap things

like taco, beer,

Subway...

And my daughters'

are like sushi, wine,

and eggplants.

They're organic,

they're expensive,

and she gets

them washed too.

I came up with

this really good plan.

I go to my husband's Venmo

and I Venmo myself a dollar

and I put emojis like vacation,

diamond, eggplant, trainer.

My friends are so jealous.

But my kids

have no value of money, and it's not their fault.

It's because they never

actually touched it.

Yeah. They think

money grows on apps.

And I gave them

a credit card for emergency

and family-related

things only.

And I had to

call up my daughter and say, "Excuse me,

"What was your emergency

in Sephora?"

"Oh, my God, Mom,

it was Better Than Sex."

What?

Who knows what

Better Than Sex is?

Anyone? Yeah.

What is it?

-A mascara.

- A mascara exactly.

I was really mad

at this company,

that they're targeting

this product to young girls.

I mean,

they're not targeting me,

because if they were,

it'd be called Better Than Sleep.

Okay. These girls

are too young to have their dreams shattered.

Right?

So I asked her,

"Is it still on sale?"

I bought a dozen.

I tried it.

And I have to tell you,

like, no gloppy mess.

You know,

it lasted a long time.

You could do it

multiple times in a day.

It is better than sex.

And then I called

my other daughter,

and I said,

"You know, I think it's time

"that you pay for

your own therapist."

And she said,

"Oh, no, Mom.

"That's definitely

family-related."

That's my single daughter.

Any single guys

out there?

No? One...

One... One...

One brave soul.

Okay. How tall are you?

5'10".

5'10"?

Okay, that's borderline.

How much do you make?

She's on the dating apps.

I suggested eBay,

but whatever.

I mean, they know how

to sell things, right?

Yeah, she's on Bumble.

That's the one where

she gets to pick the guy.

She can't pick a melon.

How is she gonna

pick a guy?

And she complains

about them to me.

And I have to explain to her,

you have no idea what I had to go through.

We didn't have apps.

We had to go on blind dates

where I had some

random guy come to my house,

and he would

knock on my door.

And I always had to leave

two pair of shoes,

a pair of flats and

a pair of high heels,

because I had no idea

how tall he was.

I mean, he was Jewish,

so I kind of knew how tall he was.

But I was hopeful.

And you know how many times

I opened the door and wished I could have...

She complains.

I think it's fun.

Swipe, swipe, swipe,

swipe, swipe.

And I got to get on

the app with her.

I know, creepy.

But she accidentally

spent 2,000 of my dollars, so she owed me.

And we're swiping,

swiping, swiping.

And we're on this one,

for every five swipes, you have to pay $5.

It was the Jewish one.

And $500 later,

she's still looking for a tall guy,

and I'm looking into

how to get my money back.

And then finally I see

this tall, cute guy.

I'm like, "Wait, wait.

What's wrong with that guy?"

And she said, "I don't like

the shape of his face."

I'm like, "That face

went to Harvard...

as a hedge fund

manager."

And she said,

"Mom, you're so shallow."

I'm like, "Me?

"Me... You don't like him

for the shape of his face."

"I'm practical.

"Like, with money,

maybe he could change his face."

They don't know

what they're doing.

I decided that I'm gonna

create an app for her, and for all you girls.

Okay? No pictures.

They're all

fat and bald in the end. It doesn't matter.

It's gonna list

three things.

His income, his height,

and his real height.

And I'm gonna put

reviews on them.

Why are there no reviews

on dating apps?

Right?

We review everything.

Our doctors,

our restaurants, our Uber drivers.

Why not our guys?

We gotta warn people out there.

So this is how

it's gonna work. Okay?

It's going to be like

when you buy an item of clothing online

and you have to

return it.

What do you have to do?

You have to give

a reason, right?

Okay.

So I'm returning this boy to the dating pool.

Reason:

"Not as described

or pictured."

Reason: "Too small."

"Did not come on time."

"Arrived damaged."

Someone once

said to me after...

Thank you.

After the show,

someone said,

"Ah, men reviews."

And I was like, "Oh, my God, that's what I'm gonna call it.

"Amen."

No B's, C's, or D's.

And if you're lucky,

y'all get an "F."

She's still single.

And I said to her,

"Listen..."

I said, "You know,

you just really need

"to learn to love yourself

before you can love anyone else."

So I decided to

buy her a vibrator.

And, boy, oh, boy,

have vibrators changed.

Okay, when I bought

my first vibrator,

there was, like one kind,

and it was

designed by men.

So it was very large

and looked like a p*nis,

'cause that's what

they thought we liked.

And you unscrew it

and two double D's fall out,

because that's

what they like.

I guess it was

a little intimidating,

so they decided to

put bunny ears on it,

and they called it

a rabbit.

A rabbit.

They have any animal

to choose from in the animal kingdom,

and they chose

the Easter Bunny.

Why didn't they choose

something like wild and strong, like...

I don't know,

like an African lion,

or a Bengal tiger,

or a Channing Tatum?

And now women are

designing vibrators.

And guess what,

guys, they're tiny.

Because size

doesn't matter.

Accuracy does.

And you would know that

if you ever tried

to throw a horseshoe

at a vag*na...

Which I wouldn't

recommend.

And now,

women are making them,

and they have

such better names.

Like, what would you

name your vibrator?

No? No masturbators

out there?

Mine would be

"Not My Husband."

But they name 'em

things like "Viva la Vulva."

French Lover.

Tennis Coach.

Which was oddly specific.

And my favorite was

called Mona Lisa.

Yeah. Yeah. I want to see

that marketing meeting.

Uh, okay.

"Well, what should we call it? Uh...

"Well, it might

make her smile."

A little.

They at least

could have called it Moan-a-Lisa. Right?

Men just can't

target products to women properly.

Like, for instance,

let's take porn.

Twenty percent

of the women watch porn.

If I made porn,

100% of women would watch it.

Because I would combine porn

with shopping.

Maybe Debbie does Dallas

in Prada.

Debbie does Dolce...

And Gabbana.

"Such a sl*t.

"But does she look good

or what?

"Love the shoes."

Yeah, I think the other thing

that men did a really bad job of is...

The pharmaceutical companies

did a horrible job.

Okay, let's take

birth control pills, okay?

It's the only pill

on the market

with the days

of the week on it.

Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday... Right?

I'm on

the menopause pill now.

Same pack, no days.

And now I need it.

You know?

'Cause I don't wanna take the pill. I leave.

"Did I take the pill?

Did I not take the pill?

"Did I take the pill?"

Can you imagine if women

created Viagra for men?

Which, by the way,

we would never do.

And we put it in a pack

with the days of the week.

It would say, "Saturday.

"Next Saturday.

"Next month.

"Maybe next year."

And we just

took flow-backs

and threw it at them

and said, "Good luck."

Oh, my goodness gracious.

So I... I had to go

to my doctor, um,

because I kept

forgetting my pills.

And he suggested that

I try the menopause patch.

He said it's

a little sticker.

You put it on your body.

And you won't notice it.

I won't notice it?

I'm walking around

with a sign on me that says,

"Out of order!"

And I complained to him

about my stomach.

I said I was getting

a little bloated,

and he said, "Felicia,

there's nothing wrong with you.

"It's just age."

He said,

"It's gonna be really hard to lose the weight.

"You're gonna

have to k*ll yourself.

"I suggest you just learn

to love your new body."

I didn't love

the old body.

It's gonna be

a lot easier to k*ll myself.

I know you're like,

"Oh, my God, she's not fat."

Okay, let me just

tell you guys, where I'm from,

if you get to be

larger than a size two, you get replaced.

Yeah, I'm from

the Upper East Side.

You should see

the recycle bins.

Glass, paper,

and second wives.

Once, after a show,

a woman walked up to me

and she said,

"Well, you're not a size two.

"How come your husband

didn't leave you?"

Like, "First of all,

f*ck you."

"Second of all,

I married a great guy.

"He would never leave me

with half his money."

He suggested that

I just eat things that roam the earth

and come out

of the ground.

So in my backyard,

I planted Snickers.

And then I started

taking exercise classes.

I took a SoulCycle class,

and I'm like on the bike.

I'm like biking, biking,

and like whatever.

And they come over

and they start yelling

all these positive affirmations

that you like, "Go, Felicia.

"We believe in you.

You can do it."

I'm like,

"I was not raised that way."

I need them yelling,

"You lazy piece of sh*t!

"You'll never amount

to anything.

"You'll never be

as good as your brother."

Oh, my God,

this is such a great class.

My husband got me

an exercise mirror.

Yeah, I didn't

talk to him for a month.

Do you know what

an exercise mirror is?

Yeah, it's this mirror.

You put it on the wall

and you select a routine.

And then there's

this wicked b*tch inside telling you what to do.

She's like,

"Move those hips harder.

"You've gained

a lot of weight."

Like, "Mom, is that you?"

I showed my husband.

I took that mirror and put it over our bed.

Now it criticizes him.

"Move those hips harder.

"You'll never be as good

as your brother."

Let's face it,

the only way that mirror

is going to help me

lose weight

is if I put it

on the coffee table.

So amazing.

So I'm addicted

to Ambien.

Anyone? Just me?

I usually have to explain

to the young people what Ambien is.

Ambien's what you take

when none of your dreams come true.

I hate it when I tell someone

I'm addicted to Ambien,

and they say,

"Have you tried melatonin?"

That's like saying

to a crack addict,

"Have you tried tea?"

I went to a sleep specialist.

She gave me

all these things.

She started with telling me

that I should not

leave my phone

by my bedside.

She said I should

leave it in the kitchen.

And I'm like, "How is that

gonna help me sleep?

"'Cause now I have to get up,

out of bed, walk down the hall to check my DMs."

Then she suggested

a weighted blanket.

It's this heavy blanket.

You put it on you

and it relieves all your stress and anxiety.

It didn't help me sleep,

but I lost ten pounds

dragging it back and forth

to the kitchen.

And then,

last I tried an Oura Ring.

She suggested that.

You guys know what it is?

It's like a Fitbit

for your finger.

And you go to sleep,

and it measures your heartbeat,

your REM sleep,

your deep sleep.

You wake up in the morning

and you check an app,

and it says things like,

"It's going to be

a difficult day."

I'm like, "Isn't that

what this ring tells me?"

I also suffer

from depression.

Anyone?

Statistically,

some of you are lying.

I read that 70% of the women

in United States are on antidepressants.

Yeah, which means

30% are depressed.

I'll let you guys

do the math on that one.

Yeah, I have a friend

who walked up to me and said, "Felicia,

"you have

three beautiful children,

"a loving husband,

and two homes.

"You cannot be depressed."

I said to her,

"I said I was depressed,

"not beneath you."

It's dark, guys,

but you can laugh.

Someone suggested

I volunteer,

so I went to

a homeless shelter.

And after spending

an entire day there,

I have to say

I was really depressed.

But I made a difference,

because there was

this sad man in the corner,

and I walked up to him,

and I was talking to him

and I said, "You know,

"you're not depressed

because you're homeless.

"Because I'm depressed

and I have a house in the Hamptons."

It didn't make him feel better.

So they asked me to leave.

And I decided the next day

I would volunteer at a rehab clinic.

I figured I'd have more

experience with that.

I could really

help someone, and I did.

Because there was

this crack addict in the corner,

and I walked up to her

and I said,

"Have you tried tea?"

No, but I'm fortunate.

I know I am.

I get unconditional

love and support

from my loving

and adorable dog.

I have a Cavapoo, which is

a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel poodle mix.

Do you notice?

Like everything's mixing with poodles?

You know,

there's like Maltipoos, shittypoos, bernadoodles...

I kind of feel sorry

for poodles.

No one wants just them.

They're kinda like

white men.

But if you mix them

with something...

all of a sudden you have

a Barackadoodle,

and everyone wants it.

We had a hard time

naming our dog,

so someone suggested

that we think of things that we love.

So my kids came up

with names

like Sushi, Chip, Yankee.

I chose Cash.

But my husband

won the name game.

So I was walking BJ

the other day.

And I was in the park,

and I was like,

"BJ, BJ, come! Come, BJ. Come."

BJ wouldn't come.

So I renamed

her G-spot.

She never came.

We couldn't find her.

We just stopped looking for her.

But I do...

I do have to thank my husband.

We just celebrated

being happily married for 25 years.

Yeah.

It was our 32nd

wedding anniversary.

Marriage.

Till death do you part.

That's a long time.

I mean, marriage was

a good idea when people lived to 30, right?

Who needs divorce

when all your marital problems

could be solved

by the black plague?

I mean,

there was a lot of love in the time of cholera.

This is the one area where

I was kind of helpful to the young audience.

I was like

the wedding whisperer.

"Don't do it."

But no,

I give them advice.

I always say,

"Secret to a happy marriage is communication.

"Only through texts

or emails.

"So you have proof

that you told him."

"Don't go to bed angry."

I tried it.

I pulled three all-nighters,

and said f*ck it,

and took an Ambien.

And, of course,

the most important thing... sex. Right, girls?

Yeah. And I know

you get tired.

The kids,

you all complain.

I love it

when a young couple gets divorced

and the first thing

they do

is they go to the kids

and say, "Mom and Dad are getting divorced,

"but it had nothing

to do with you."

Really? Because you guys

looked really happy before you had kids.

But sex is important,

and I always say to the girls out there,

it only takes five minutes.

And if you're good, three.

It probably

takes you longer

to take

your makeup off.

And I'm sure

your boyfriend,

or husband

won't mind if you multitask.

'Cause this is

a great position for it.

But I get it.

It's hard.

I complain

to my husband too, and he gets mad.

I say, "It's not

that I'm not interested.

"I'm tired because, like,

when we go on vacation, we have a lot of sex."

And he said,

"Yeah, but I'd like to have sex with you

"for less than

$500 a night."

And I said, "You're looking

at this the wrong way.

"You should just be thankful

that you could afford it."

But I understand.

So for you,

$250 cash.

And as someone

once said to me,

if you want

to keep your husband from having an affair,

you should give him

a blowjob every morning.

I said he could

have the affair.

That is not

a good trade.

And I realize

that life is about trades.

You know, you might

not not be able to have it all,

but you have

some of it.

And then together,

it's all.

Like, for instance,

I gave up my independence

for my marriage.

And that's working out

pretty well, all right.

I gave up my career for my kids,

and I really do love them.

Even the little one.

And I gave up everything

for this.

How's it going?

And I can't wait

till my great-grandkids

watch it,

and they go running

into their mother and father and go,

"Mom, Dad!

"What does fellatio mean?"

And they're going to

look at them and say,

"Oh, I think you mean

great-Grandma Felicia.

"She was a great mom

who late in life changed her career,

"and inspired the world,

"and didn't take no

for an answer,

"and spread laughter

"by using her mouth

to spread joy."

And they looked at them

and said, "No.

"We meant fellatio."

"Oh. Yeah.

We don't remember."

I'm Felicia Madison.

Thank you.