01x04 & 01x12 - The Haunting of Star House/Who's a Big Boy?

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star,

and I live with my parents.

Oh!

This is my dad.

This is my mom.

Ooh-hoo!

[laughs]

This is my sister.

She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room.

And this

this is my show.

[light music]

- [grumbling]

[doorbell rings]

- Hello, friendly

neighborhood paper boy.

What can I do for you today?

- I'm here about the money,

Mr. Star.

- Money?

[chuckles]

Oh, I don't need any money,

but thanks for asking.

- Wait, no.

[groans]

No, you big pinhead.

You owe me newspaper money.

Huh?

Hmm.

- [humming]

Shower

[door opens]

[singing loudly]

- Fork over three bucks!

- Aah!

- [shouts, grunting]

I'll be back, you deadbeat!

- Bunny, there's a prowler

on the loose!

[shouts, grunting]

[groaning]

- Mom, have you seen

my ski poles?

[grunts]

Never mind.

- [moaning eerily]

- It's a g-g-g-ghost!

[whispering indistinctly]

You're right.

This would be great on my show!

[laughing]

Look, Squidina,

a real live ghost.

- [moans]

- Oh, perfect.

Let's do

a Ghost Peeker segment.

And action.

- Welcome to "Peek-A-Boo"!

I've just seen a ghost.

Look how big my pupils are.

- [screaming]

- Now it's your turn.

- [moans]

- Peek-a-boo.

- [moaning eerily]

Peek-a-boo.

- Daddy?

- Peek-a-boo.

- Peek-a-boo.

- Peek-a-boo.

- Peek-a-boo.

- Peek-a-boo.

- Peek-a-boo.

- Oh, Dad, you're no ghost.

Why can't we have real ghosts

in the house?

Peek-a-boo.

- [laughs]

Sorry, son,

but we can't afford ghosts.

Haunted houses are

for the rich.

Peek-a-boo!

- Gosh darn it.

I want to peek at ghosts.

- Aw.

- [sobbing]

- Oh, cheer up, bro.

I know where to find ghosts

for cheap.

- [speaking gibberish,

laughs]

- [sighs exasperatedly]

- Do you have a boring

houseguest who won't leave?

- Huh?

Uh-huh.

- Boo!

- Aah!

[grunting goofily]

- Get a ghost.

- Hmm.

[chuckles]

- Are you tired

of sleeping late?

[alarm ringing]

- [shouts]

- Aah!

- Get a ghost!

Tired of meatheads laughing

at your scrawny body?

- [grunts]

[laughing]

- Get a ghost!

We've got affordable spooks,

certified

to haunt your house today.

Just strangle your phone

and give us a call

at Get a Ghost Incorporated!

First haunt is always free.

- Free?

You don't have to twist my nub!

- If you'd like

to make a call, please--

[choking]

[eerily]

Ooh

- Hello?

Send free ghosts

to this address, please.

Thank you!

[doorbell rings]

[gasps]

Oh, boy, they're here!

- [laughs wickedly]

- G-g-g-ghost delivery!

These two degenerate souls

are guaranteed

to haunt your socks off!

- Not my socks.

- Yeah,

only if we feel likes it.

[laughter]

- Uh, they're just kidding.

Come on, guys,

you're embarrassing me now.

- Aw, you dropped

your hat, Dutchy.

Here, let me get that for you.

- Aah!

- Welcome to Star House,

gentlemen.

Are you ready

to do some haunting?

- Yeah, whatevs.

Where do want us to start?

- Mom's upstairs,

and Dad's in the kitchen.

- One side, please.

Time to go to work.

[chuckles]

- One scare, coming up.

[grunts]

both:

Our house is haunted!

- [singing loudly]

- [chuckles]

[grunts]

Mmm

- [chuckles]

- Huh?

- [chuckles]

- My sandwich!

Come back here.

- Huh?

- Whoa!

Hey!

- And now for the hot stuff.

[chuckles]

Dinner is served!

- That's the best sandwich

I ever ate

[belches]

- Hmm, this gone stale?

[screaming]

- I hope the other ghost

is scarier than you are.

- [humming]

- [chuckles]

- [continues humming]

- [whimpering]

[screams]

- Ah, these ghosts are lame.

How are we supposed to do

a scary show with no scares?

[grunts angrily]

- That cheapskate is gonna

give me what he owes me

whether he knows it or not!

- Sorry, kid.

We tried, but your family's

just too dumb to scare.

- Said the worst ghosts

I've ever seen.

I could scare people

better than you.

Huh.

- Oh, yeah?

all: Huh?

- I bet you couldn't even scare

that guy.

- Oh, I couldn't, huh?

Watch and learn.

- There's probably loose change

in the couch.

Aha! I think I found

a bag of money.

What the heck?

- That's not yours.

- [screaming]

- Hey, I need that!

- What?

We can't compete with that.

That spooky kid is a ringer.

- Mm.

Okay, the haunted-house-show

idea is dead.

We need

another show idea, quick.

Hmm.

You two are gruesome

and repulsive.

So

we can do a makeover show!

We're taking two uglies

and turning them into beauties.

And voilà.

You're to die for.

- What the--

- Huh? Oh.

both: Look at you!

[laughing]

- Huh?

I wasn't trying to k*ll them.

But it makes great television.

- Huh?

Wow. We're alive again.

We must've double-died.

- Hey, they sure buried us

in some nice duds.

both: You sweet kid.

You scared us back to life.

- Aw.

- Come here, you.

- You're welcome.

You're hurting me.

both: The Flim-Flam Brothers

are back in business.

Ahh.

- And I think we're gonna like

our new home.

[both laugh]

- Hey, nerdy kid,

get me a glass of water.

- Being haunted by ghosts

is one thing,

but now they're just

a couple of freeloaders.

- [humming]

- Huh?

The Flim-Flam Brothers?

You borrowed ten bucks from me

in 1926 and skipped town.

With interest

and adjusted for inflation,

I'd say that brings

it up to

$462,000!

- And nine cents.

- Sorry, we've been dead--

dead broke!

[rimshot]

both: [laughing] Huh?

- You owe me restitution!

Restitution!

Restitution!

- Hey, kiddo,

what's going on?

- Huh?

- [grunting]

- Aha!

You owe me restitution, too!

- Aah!

- Come back here!

- A clam flew away

with my skin.

- I wouldn't be a good producer

if I didn't carry a spare.

[giggles]

- Thanks, sis!

[grunting]

Well, kids, today we learned

that ghosts

aren't scary at all.

They're just

Silly.

- [laughs wickedly]

Boo!

- Aah!

- Aah!

- And just like that,

those pesky kids

were scared away,

thanks to

Get a Ghost Incorporated!

Aah!

And tell them

The Dutchman sent you.

Ow.

[jaunty music]

- I'm ready!

I'm ready, I'm ready!

Ready to work

at the Krusty Krab!

But first

Sponge smash!

[grunts]

[imitating Spongebob's laugh]

I live in a papaya

under the sea

Sponge smash!

[grunting]

Or a coconut

Sponge smash!

Or a skunk fruit!

Sponge smash!

Stinky! Ew!

- More fruit, Patrick,

more fruit.

Sponge smash!

[laughs goofily]

[grunting]

More fruit, more fruit!

[laughing weakly]

- I smashed all of it.

[grunts, laughs]

- Aw, barnacles!

I got fruit on my lens,

and I missed most of that.

- Oh, no!

We're fresh out of fresh fruit.

Back to the supermarket.

- Aw, man.

- Hyuh?

Hyuh! Supermarket?

Why, back in the 1940s, you

didn't have to pay for fruit,

Fruit was free, and it picked

itself off the trees,

and fell into your mouth.

- 1940s, got it.

I'll be right back

with more fruit.

[humming]

1940s.

Boop boop, beep boop bop boop.

- Oh, and I used to squeeze

the fruit juice

all over my face

and rub my butt

in the fruit meat!

- Ew, butt fruit! Yuck.

- And away we go!

Free fruit, here I come.

Ah, oh?

Hello!

- Warning, warning!

If you have entered

the knuclear testing area,

you are a knucklehead.

- Hi. Sorry to intrude,

but can you tell me

where they keep

the free fruit around here?

Huh?

Oh, I get it, keeping

it all for yourself, huh?

I understand.

I wouldn't tell anyone either.

No hard feelings,

I'll let myself out.

I said, "No hard feelings!"

Huh?

I guess you're

the head of the house now.

Bye.

- Three

Two

One

One and a half

One and a quarter

Now, now, now.

[banging on door]

Uh?

[grunts]

The 1940s were boring.

- Did you get the fruit?

- No, but I got something

even better.

[laughs]

- Aah!

- Who lives in this

severed head under the sea?

[knocking on door]

- All right, you two,

time for bed.

both: Aw!

audience: Aw!

- Aw, man!

- Come on, son.

The decapitated head'll

still be here in the morning.

[chuckles]

Come on, little girl.

- [sighs]

- Bedtime!

Night.

- Wish upon a star!

- [snoring]

- [growling]

- Night light?

Oh, sorry.

- [sighs, snoring]

- [snoring]

- Breakfast!

- [gasps]

[grunts]

I'm coming, breakfast!

[panting]

all: Ah!

- I've got some serious

hungries in my tum-gries!

[gobbling]

all: [angry muttering]

- Aren't you guys eating?

all: [angry muttering]

- Sorry?

- Don't be sorry, sweetie.

You need food to grow.

Who's a big boy?

- I'm a big boy!

[laughs]

And I'm still hungry.

[chomping]

[chomping]

- Pipe wrench.

- [burps]

- Thanks.

- Mm, mm--gah!

Uh, Patrick?

Do you feel any bigger today?

- No, thanks, I just ate.

[watch beeps]

- [gasps]

Gotta get you camera ready.

You're on in five.

[grunting]

Yep, okay.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[old-timey movie music]

Smile, Patrick.

audience: Yay!

- You're on.

- Ee!

Hello, everybody, and welcome

to the "Patrick Show!"

[burps]

- Hyuh!

I don't know

what's going on here,

but bigger Patrick,

bigger laughs.

Ah!

- [grunting]

audience: [cheering]

- Ooh!

[muffled exclamations]

- And I'm your host, Patrick.

Uh, what?

Whoopsie-gravy.

- Needle-nose pliers.

- [belches]

- Thanks.

- Whew, I'm thirsty.

Let's take a coffee break.

[pleasant music]

- Oh, what a wonderful hot tub,

GrandPat.

If it was actually hot.

- [chugging]

both: Whoa!

- It's hot enough,

but now it's too humid!

- Ew, tastes like mothballs.

[burps]

- Patrick,

you really are growing up!

- Who's a big boy?

- I'm a big boy!

[laughs]

That disgusting coffee makes me

feel 10,000 feet tall!

- [grunting, giggling]

No butts about it, you're

watching the "Patrick Show."

- When we last left the Sponge

Action Man, he was--

Wait,

where's my Sponge Action Man?

There you are.

- Huh? Whoa!

[gasps] Patrick,

you're freakishly huge!

Cool!

- Wow!

It's the new talking

Sponge Action Man!

Who smiled warmly and said

"Sponge smash!"

- Wee! Ow!

Arrg! I'm fruit beard!

[laughs]

- Sponge smash!

- Wee!

Ow!

Orange you glad to see me?

[laughs]

- Sponge smash!

- Wee!

Ow!

An apple a day keeps the--

Oh, you know, I think

I'm sensing a pattern here.

- Oh? That banana's huge.

- Sponge smash!

both: [laughing]

- [laughs]

- Oh, what a beautiful day

for a beautiful parade,

huh, Midge? [chuckles]

- Then Sponge Action Man

smashed the banana

with his teeth!

- Sponge bite!

[chomps]

- Ooh, that's looks good.

Patrick bite!

[chomps]

- [laughs]

[laughs]

Hey, this is

a nice fixer-upper!

- You know, Clint,

we have been hosting

this parade for 12 years,

and I have seen

a parade balloon eating

another parade balloon!

both: Oh!

crowd: [screams]

- That's no balloon,

it's a big boy!

- Ah!

[panicked muttering]

crowd: [screaming]

- Loud noises!

- Oh, h*, h*, yes!

This is mindless

entertainment gold!

- Extra! Read all about it!

Military called in

to combat pink monster!

- They were?

- Extra, extra!

We're okay!

- [frustrated grunting]

Why won't you toys stay

where I put you?

- Fire!

crowd: [screaming]

- Cool!

Roller skates!

[grunts, laughing]

Whoa!

- Oh, those were

our best tanks.

We'll have to resort

to knuclear missiles.

- Don't you dare hurt

my big brother!

He's not a monster,

he's just big-boned.

- Bombs away!

- Ow.

Ow!

Stupid mosquitoes.

Make-up!

- Uh-oh!

- Did you see him grow again?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Patrick must have been hit

with knuclear radiation

on his outside

to make him big.

So we just gotta get him

some radiation on his inside

to make him small.

- I'll try anything

at this point.

Takeover, soldier.

Hi--Whoa!

- Atten-hut!

soldiers: Hup, hup, hup, hup,

hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Huh, hup, hup, hup,

hup, hup, hup!

Hup, hup!

- Who's a big boy?

Who's a big boy?

- Oh! I'm a big boy!

[laughs]

Hot dog!

[barking]

Hey, where's the mustard?

- Mustard squad,

move in!

mustard squad:

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

- [chomps, swallows]

[sighs]

Could have used some relish.

[belches]

both: Whoa!

Ooh!

- Aw, I was just getting

comfortable.

- I was just getting digested.

- Plunger!

- [burps]

- Whoa! Ow.

Thanks!

all: [cheering]

- Yeah!

- All right!

- Yay!

- Hooray!

- Yay!

[high-pitched] Yay!

- Mwah!

Who's a shrunken boy?

- [high-pitched]

I'm a shrunken boy!

And we'll see you next time

on the "Patrick Show!"

- Ooh! My turn!

Patrick smash!

- [laughs]

both: [laughing]