01x33 & 01x34 - The Lil' Patscals/The Prehistoric Patrick Star Show

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister.
She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

* *

This is my show!

* *

[calm music]

- Uh...

- Boy, what in Sam Hill
are you watching?

- The traffic light channel.

[light buzzes]

- You call this entertainment?

- Shh!
It's gonna change again!

[light dings]
[cheers]

TV is the only way to have fun!

- Fiddle-faddle!

I had tons of fun
when I was a kid!

Ah!
And that was years before TV

even existed.

[screams]

- [screams] GrandPat, why?

- So I can prove my point.

[pants]

Here!
Sit down next to GrandPat.

I wanna show you something.
- Mm.

- This here's the old g*ng--

The Kelpbed Kids.

That's me right there,

and that's Puffy, Snappy,

Squigley, and Hoops.

Oh, the fun we used to have.

- But no TV.

- Oh, dagnabbit, boy!

Even if we had a TV,

we wouldn't have watched it.

We were too busy
going on adventures

and playing street games--

games like Kick the Can.

Yeah, back then,

we kicked all sorts of things
and called them games.

- GrandPat's got it all wrong.

Life is better
when TV's involved.

- No arguments here.

- Hey, that time closet
of yours has a TV screen.

Instead of spending
the next six hours listening

to these old stories,

why don't you go live 'em?

- Agreed.
- [giggles]

- Yeah, you couldn't kick
just any can.

You had to have
either a corn can

or a succotash can.

I always found you got
more distance with corn cans,

but with
a rusted-out succotash,

you had speed.

[gleefully squealing]

- Back to when
GrandPat was a kid.



[grunts]

Whoo-hoo!
[electricity crackles]

- If I told you kids once,

I told you a thousand times--

stay out of the sewers.

all: Yes, Officer Murphy.

- All right then,
here's a tin can to play with.

all: Ah!
- Hot diggety dog, a can!

[laughter]

- Stay out of trouble, now.

[electricity crackles]

- Whoa...

Well, GrandPat's gotta be
around here somewhere.

[laughter]

- Hey, old man, that's our can.

- Oh!

- [grunts]

- Hey, you're the Kelpbed Kids!

I was hoping
to hang out with you!

- Sorry, you're too big for us.

- [grunts]

How 'bout now?

- Hmm, we can work with this.

All right, g*ng,
let's Fleischer-ize him!

- Historically accurate duds!

- Rubber hose!

- Glorious black and white!

- Mash it all together--

[hammer dings]
And you're done.

- I'm all springy, ooh.

So I'm part of the g*ng now?

- Not exactly.

- Aw...

- You gotta
prove yourself first--

at Kick the Can!

[can clanks]

Now let's see what you got.

[old-timey swing music]

[glass shatters]

[thunder booms]

- Oops.

- Of all places,

you had to hit
Old Man Jenkins' house?

- I guess this means
I'm out of the g*ng now, huh?

- Applesauce!

You're gonna help us
get that can back!

So off we went over the wall

and into
Old Man Jenkins' backyard.

- [grunts]

- Ah.
- Come on.

[suspenseful music]

- [gasps]

- [panting]

- Huh?
[metal rattling]

Sounds like the can
is down there.

[both screaming]

- [barking]

[both screaming]

* *

- Only one way to stop
that guard toilet!

all: Hoops!

- Hold onto your hats.

* *

[hoop snaps]
[grunts]

- [stifled barking]
[both panting]

- We were about to venture

into that big creepy house.

Everyone had
the heebie-jeebies

'cept for me.

I wasn't afraid of nothin'.

[teeth chattering]

- Let's go, bud!

- Ah!
[loud crash]

- This old house got a bad rap.

It's not haunted.

It's totally normal.

[eyes whistle]

- [spits loudly]
[pot dings]

- Huh?

Hey!

[whimpering]

- Huh?
Ooh...

[snickers]

- [snickers]

- Hmm.
[metal clanking]

[snickers]

Wire hangers?

Aw, nuts.

[screams]

[screams]

Aw, nuts.

- One by one,

that house chewed us up
and spit us out!

But we kept on looking
for that ol' tin can.

- Oh, it's gotta be
around here somewhere.

Uh, this one's full.

- [grunts]
[dazedly] Ah...

[grunts]

- This one too.

- Are you all right?

[grunts]

[dazedly groans]

- Guh.

[hums]

Whoa.

all: Hoops?

[all scream]

- Whoa!

[grunts]
- Hmm.

[both sigh]

[all screaming]

- Wait up!
Wait up, you guys!

[chandelier crashes]

[whimpers]

[both screaming]

[old-timey swing music]

* *

[screaming]

[both screaming]

[both grunt]

I'm gonna go find
Officer Murphy.

[panting]

[both screaming]

- Is it just me,

or does it feel like we've been

running down
this same hallway forever?

- Uh-oh.

[both scream]

[both pant]

[both scream]

[both panting]

- Not good, not good.

[both screaming]

* *

- Ow.
both: Ouch.

Huh?
The can!

* *

- [gasps]
- Huh?

- It's him.

- Who?

- Old Man Jenkins, that's who!

He was operating
his home security system.

- Hmm?

[eerie music]

Ha.

[snickers]

both: Drop that can!

- I surrender!

- Y-y-y-you got me.

I--oh...

- That's our kicking can!

- Whew.
Thank heavens.

You're just here
for the silly can.

Here.

I thought you kids were
after my outlaw ice cream.

- Ooh, ooh...

[angelic music]

both: Hotsy-totsy!

- Yeah!

It's really good stuff.

I can't understand why
the government banned it.

They threw Goofy Goober
in the hoosegow!

Anyhoo,

I had to get
my ice cream fix somehow,

so I started
bootlegging the stuff myself.

Making my house
appear haunted

is what keeps the coppers away.

[cackles]
[police sirens blare]

Huh?

[suspenseful music]

Aye!
They ain't taking

my mint chocolate chip!

- Now you kids stay here.

- Take that, copper!

[piano crashes]

* *

- Freeze!

I heard tell
there was trouble a'brewin'

in this old house.

- Oh, no, no trouble
around here, Officer.

- Oh, well then,

I suppose you won't mind
if I have a look around then.

You wouldn't be bootlegging
ice cream down here,

now would ya?

- [laughs nervously]

Of course not, Officer.

- [chuckles]
Is that so?

* *

Hmm, you kids seen any
ill*gal ice cream down here?

both: No, Officer Murphy...

- Well, all right then,

but I'm keeping
my eye on you, Jenkins.

- Good day, Officer!

- [spits and gargles]

- Hot dog!
You kids saved my hide.

- So how does it feel to be

an official Kelpbed Kid?

- [laughs]

It's the bee's knees!

Oh, well,
I better get back home.

My grandpa was telling me

a pretty cool story.

- I'll never forget that day.

We got our kickin' can back,

and as for the new kid,

well, I never saw him again.

Hmm?
Until now!

- GrandPat, you were right--

real-life adventures
with friends

are more fun than TV!

[both laugh]

[banging on door]
both: Huh?

- Now, who could that be?

both: Huh?

- Anyone up for Kick the Can?

- I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

- Me neither!

- The Kelpbed Kids
will never die!

[grunts]

[weakly] I think
I broke my hip.

- Aw, nuts.

[mysterious music]

- [caveman grunts]

Me Patrick Cave Star!

And me live with cave parents!

[upbeat music]

This me Cave Dad.

- [grunts]

- This me Cave Mom!

- Hi!
Ooh!

both: Ooh!

* *

- This me Cave Sister!
- Huh?

[roars]

- She's shy.

- [laughing]

- This me Cave Grandpa!

This me cave!

And this...

[all caveman grunting]
[all scream]

This me cave show!

[all grunt]

["Also sprach Zarathustra"
by Richard Strauss]

* *

[all caveman grunting]

[all scream]

* *

- [grunts]

* *

[bone bonks]
- [grunts]

[groans]

[screams]

D'ah!

[caveman grunting]

Ooh, ha!

What today show about,
Cave Squidina?

- Well, let's consult
Rock of Ideas.

[grunting]

- [screaming]

- Fire.

- Ah...

[grunts]

Ladies and hominids,

please put hands together

for today guest--

Fire!
[applause]

all: Oh...

- How's it going, Fire?

Good to have you on show.

So Fire,

who's your latest flame?

Come on, Fire!

Me trying

to ignite conversation!

Uh...

[bell ringing]

- [squawks]

- Now onto next
and much safer part of show--

cavetoon segment!

[grunting]

Whew.

- Guess what, Sir Urchin.

Me just invent slapstick.

- Jolly good, old bean.

Let's see it then.

[tree log bonks]

Why, you...

- What me do?

[rock tire bonks]

- Why, you...

- What me do?

- [laughs]

- Breakfast!

Breakfast time, Cave Patrick!

- Okay!

[laughs]

Ah, doy.

- Well, let's dig in.

- Ah!

- [screams]

- Ooh, my favorite--

lice pilaf.

[munching]

- Uh...

[skin squeaks]

Aw, stinkin' smooth
squid sister's skin!

[grunts]
- [laughs] Oh, boy.

[munching]

- I think my stomach is gonna--

[stomach roars]
- [screams]

- Cave Patrick!

What have we said about going--
[roars]

To your sister?

- Sorry, Cave Mom.

[stomach growls]

Oh, hush up, will you?

I'll get you some food.

Food?

Food!

Ugh, plants--

not food!

[suspicious music]

all: Whew.

Food?

Oh!

Hmm...

[screams]

[whimpers]

Huh?

[laughs]

[screams]

I hate spicy food.

[grunts]

[rhythmic jingle playing]
Huh?

* *

- Dinosaur milk ice cream--
it edible.

- [laughs]

Hunting spear?

Nah.

Hunting scoop?

Ah...

* *

- Hello?

Me not prey.

- [laughs]

[spits]
Now it time for sneak attack.

[hollering]

[all scream]

[quirky music]

Hey, that me ice cream!

[screams]

[grunts]

No one taking Pat food!

[loud expl*si*n booms]

[panting]

[screams]

[sniffs]

Ooh, what a heavenly scent.

[giggles]

Follow to eat stuff

at other end of smell.

[screams]

Finally, food!

- Food?
What do you mean "food"?

I'm doing my laundry.

- [snickers]

- Uh-uh-uh.

Eat your own loincloth!
[stomach rumbles]

- Aw!

But Cave Pat hungy!

- [laughs]

Ah, you kids got it tough

with this newfangled
huntin' and gatherin'.

It was way easier
back in my day

when everything was food--

back in the days

of the primordial ooze.

Yes, siree, back then,

I was quite
the spry little cell.

[snickers]

And the whole world was
my all-you-can-eat buffet.

["The Blue Danube"
by Johann Strauss II]

* *

Back then, I didn't
have a care in the world.

- Ouch!
[growls]

[whistles]

* *

- Till those darned cells
banded together

and formed
a multicell organism!

- [cackles]

- [whimpering]

Me was in trouble!

Me had no choice but to evolve

and get out of there.

[grunting]

[growls]

Uh, uh, whoa.

Ha!
Who's the higher life-form now?

Ah!
- [munching]

- Stop eating the flashback!

It'll give you indigestion.

both: [rattling] Oh!

- See what I mean?

- Um,
I don't think that was me.

both: [rattling] Oh!
- Oh, right,

we live in a volcano!

[suspenseful music]

- [screaming]

Huh?
Oh, hello again, Fire.

Welcome back to the show.

[screaming]

* *

[sighs]

Let's have a hand for Fire.

- [humming]

Ah!
[grill sizzles]

You break me lunch!

- Me sorry.

[both scream]

[screaming]

[sighs]

Whoa, cool.

Hey, guys!
all: Huh?

- Cave Granny Tentacles
has a pool!

[upbeat beach music]

all: Pool party!

[laughter]

* *

[music slows]

- [grunts]

- [cackles]

D'ah!

Hey, let go, sticky water!

- What is this stuff?

- "Granny Tentacles'
famous tar pit"?

- Oops.
[all scream]

- [laughs]

Dumb Star-anderthals.

[slurps]

- [munching]

[roars]

- [gasps]
Holy fish paste!

[all grunting]
- Hooray,

we're saved.

[cheerful music]

- [grunts]
- Wait.

No, we're not.

[laughter]

- Hey, look at 'em!

They're so ugly!

- Freedom!
[laughs]

You guys may be dumb,

but you're not as dumb
as these guys!

[laughter]

- How stupid do you have to be

to get stuck like that?

all: Oh?

- [gasps]
Chewing gum!

[all scream]

[laughter]

both: I guess
some things never change.

[laughter]

- Huh?

[roars]