[upbeat music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath, sociopath ♪
[upbeat music]
- [Narrator] Mr. Franklin
the prison psychiatrist
was running out of ideas how
to treat Kevin's sociopathic tendencies.
- Kevin, I normally don't
like to take this option,
but everything else has failed.
I'm going to recommend
a strict regimen of powerful medication.
- [Narrator] Kevin liked the
idea of powerful medication
because he was always
happy to try new drugs.
And if the government
wanted to foot the bill,
Kevin wasn't about to argue,
The guards took him to a room
he'd never been in before
and placed him in restraints.
- Take two of these pills.
They're very powerful,
and may cause some slight side effects.
But they should break down your inhibition
and get past your hostility.
- [Narrator] Kevin took the pills.
and after a few minutes he started
to feel them take effect.
Something was strange.
It was a whole lot different
from the Codeine Lithium buzz
he'd come to appreciate.
This was something new.
- What are you feeling Kevin?
- [Narrator] Kevin began to hallucinate
and got a little bit lost in his own head.
He ran into his imaginary
friend Allen, the magic goose,
but something was different about him.
- I don't feel like playing today, Kevin,
let's have a nap.
- [Narrator] Kevin tried to convince Allen
that he needed his help.
- What do you need is a good rest, Kevin.
Now, how about that now.
- [Narrator] Then Kevin's
mind filled with all sorts
of bizarre memories, like
the time he fell through
the seat in the outhouse,
or the time Pete Wilcocks
thought he was Leonardo DiCaprio.
- I'm the king of the world.
- [Narrator] Kevin didn't much
like the idea of confronting
his issues and memories
without Allen's help,
and he was a little bit scared.
Because he figured, he
might be having a bad trip,
but then again, thinking
about his childhood,
was a lot like having a bad trip.
So he wasn't really sure
if it was the drugs or not.
[ominous music]
- The prison where Kevin
was being incarcerated
was one of the toughest in the country,
there were gangs everywhere.
The Aryan Brotherhood, Mexican mafia,
and the most dangerous of all,
the former Hollywood child actors.
- Look, if I don't get the
same cell Christian Slater had
your days as my agent are over.
- [Narrator] Kevin was pretty scared
so he decided to try
and stay out of trouble.
Mostly because he worked
a prison black market
with all these people,
and he didn't want to lose
any of his customers.
Life on the inside was a different world,
with it's own rules, and
even it's own language.
- Bull's mule is humping tally water.
- Best be grade A, or
he's going to get punk'd
in the covered wagon for sure.
- Can you show me this
covered wagon everyone
keeps always talking
about, I'm new in here.
- Sure.
- [Narrator] One day,
Kevin was in the TV room
watching prisoner access cable.
Normally he didn't like watching TV shows,
but today was different.
- [Announcer] It's time
for Prisoner Access TV
A show by inmates for inmates,
thirty minutes of entertainment,
but you only have to
sit through twenty five
with good behavior.
[laughing]
- Welcome back.
Don't forget, urine
testing starts tomorrow.
So be sure and buy yours early.
We're back with Frank
Fry the Fishman of Folsom
Frank, you say you've been
raising these pirana fish
in your toilet.
- Sure did, Joe.
That's how I lost this arm.
[laugh track]
- [Joe] You're a brave man.
- Huh, think that's brave,
he, he, he, try wiping your
arse with a hook.
[laugh track]
- Thanks for being with us Frank.
Your parents must be proud.
- Oh, I wouldn't know,
my Dad was a pilot who died in his sleep.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Huh, not as sorry as his passengers.
[laugh track]
- Our next guest is a regular on our show
because he's a three time loser.
You may know him as number 38492,
but he'll always be number one
with us, Percy Spencer, hey Percy.
- Hey, Joe.
- Percy, what'd you get
busted for this time?
- Yeah, I was outside after my curfew.
- They put you in prison for that?
And they call that justice?
- Yeah I was outside after my curfew,
and inside a liquor store after it closed.
[laughter]
- Percy, I understand you're
going to show us a talent.
- Yeah, I'm going to burp popular songs.
♪Ice, Ice Baby♪
♪Ice, Ice Baby♪
♪Ice, ice♪
- [Narrator] Everyone in
the TV room laughed as Percy
burped out the song, Kevin
would've laughed too,
but because he was a sociopath
he could only tap his foot
to the music, and that was only
because he saw other people
doing it, and he wanted to fit in.
- Percy that was great.
I'd applaud if I wasn't hand cuffed.
Maybe we'll see you next time,
if you can't avoid those crafty pigs.
[burping]
- Wasn't the cops that caught
me, my effin boy turned me in.
- You mean your son, ratted you out?
- Sure did, hey wait a minute,
that makes him a stoolie.
- [Narrator] Stoolie is the
dirtiest word in the prisoners
vocabulary and not that
his fat-a*s old man
had spilled the beans, Kevin
would have spend all his time
watching his back.
For the next few days Kevin's
life was pretty miserable.
- [Man] Hey Spencer, you're
a dead man, a dead man!
- [Man] Yeah, you stool
pigeon, oink oink oink.
- [Man] That's a pig you dumbass.
- [Man] Really what the hell
does a pigeon sound like?
- [Man] It makes like this coo,
coo coo sound or something.
- [Narrator] Kevin didn't much
like the idea of having to
put up with this, he wasn't
afraid of the other inmates
but his new reputation was
hurting his black market business
- We don't do business
with no stoolies gringo.
- Yeah, from now one we're
dealing with the serial K*llers,
at least they have some principles man.
- [Narrator] Kevin had to figure
something out right quick.
Or he'd end up broke, or worse.
- Clean urine for sale,
guaranteed negative test results.
- [Narrator] Kevin, told
Pete about his problem
Pete thought Kevin was the Messiah and
had always acted as his body guard
and tried to help him out.
- I wish I could help you God,
but I can't take on the whole prison.
- [Narrator] Things weren't
looking too good for Kevin,
and it was only a matter
of time before all the
other prisoners decided
to straighten him out.
- Alright, Spencer, It's payback time.
- Yeah, when we're through
with you, your own parents
won't recognize you.
[alarm buzzes]
- [Narrator] Suddenly,
the prison siren went off,
and the guards marched
everyone into the dining area
for a speech from the warden.
- Where's Kevin spencer?
[lighthearted music]
Spencer, because you
are the only one whose
urine tested negative for
drugs you've been given
early parole as an
example to the population,
congratulations, boy, you are a free man.
- [Narrator] Kevin was saved!
Pete had spiked everyone's
urine with drugs
everyone except Kevin.
- My god, I've seen some
fine urine in my twenty years
but this, smell the bouquet.
- [Narrator] That night
all the prisoners except
Kevin were in the TV room.
They were all pretty upset
at having an extra few months
tacked on to their sentences
because of the positive
drug test, and they were looking
for someone to take it out on.
- Hey, come to think of
it, we wouldn't have been
after Kevin, if his old
man hadn't beaked him out
on that TV show.
- Yeah, that means Percy's
a stoolie, get him!
- He'll be able to mule a Buick
after we get done with
him in the covered wagon.
- Don't believe them Mr. Heh,
there is not really a covered wagon.
- [Narrator] Percy spencer
was up to his a*s in trouble
with the law again, because he'd
gotten into another car accident.
It was a head on collision.
The police suspected that
alcohol was involved,
mostly because the other car
was still in the showroom
and Percy had been driving
a speedboat he had stolen
from a nearby lake.
- Mr. Spencer, it seems that besides
being an unrepentant
substance ab*ser, you are also
chronically unemployed.
If you can complete an employment seminar,
I'll reduce your sentence to time served,
in the hopes that you may
someday find an honest job.
- [Narrator] It occurred to Percy,
that doing time in a job seminar
was probably a whole lot easier
than doing it in the joint.
And he was also a lot less
likely to get sodomized
over a pack of smokes.
- Mr. Spencer, you're three days late.
- Well normally I wouldn't
come till next week,
but I thought I'd make a good impression.
- I guess I can fit you in today's class.
But what in the name
of god are you wearing.
- Parole officer told me to dress nice,
so I'll make a good impression.
You looking for some private lessons?
- Sit down you fat reprobate.
The modern workforce has to
be increasingly conscious
of the effect of economic globalization
and the trend towards
international trade agreements,
and their impact on the job market
increasingly reliant on technology.
- [Narrator] First Percy
tried to understand
what the woman was talking about,
then he tried to imagine
what she would look like
giving her speech in fishnet stockings
with a french maid's outfit.
- Oh Percy, you're so manly,
say something romantic.
- I'll sign over my welfare check
if you let me do it with ya.
- And through this networking
strategy your job search
should succeed, are their any questions?
- Yeah, are you a screamer?
You know, in the sack?
- Perhaps we'll move on
to our skills training.
- Yeah, like you aint
been thinking about it.
- The most useful talent
you can have today
is computer skills.
I want each of you to
try out the software and
see if you can compose a winning resume.
Very good.
Good going, Marty.
I would hire you, Walter.
Mr. Spencer, Mr. Spencer,
you're looking at p*rn*graphy.
- Yeah, computer's are great.
- I don't think you are fully
appreciating the DNA evidence.
- Maybe it would help if you,
showed us another sample.
- I got your sample right here baby.
- Being a juror sure is
hot work, would anyone mind
if I took off my pants?
- I got something I'd like
to enter into evidence.
- But our computer's aren't
hooked up to the internet.
- Most aren't, that's why I
always bring some with me.
- This is our practice
interview, I'll pretend to be
a prospective employer, and
I will ask you questions
that you might expect in
a typical job interview.
Mr. Spencer, why would you
like to work for this company?
- Boats, and wh*res ain't cheep.
- That's fine, but I need
to know what kind of skills
you can offer.
- I can do it all night long.
- Mr. Spencer, does everything
have to revolve around sex?
- Sex, I was talking about drinking.
- I'm happy to say you all graduated.
Mr. Spencer, I was going to fail you,
but then I realized that
the court would probably
just send you back here,
so, you get a passing grade as well.
- Hot Damn, I'll miss you lady,
but I guess it was never meant to be.
[upbeat piano music]
- Hmm Yes, just remember,
when they ask you
what position you want,
do not write doggy style.
- [Narrator] Two weeks
later the judge from Percy's
trial was walking down the street when
Percy ran up to him,
- Hey Judge, just wanted you
to know, I took your advice,
I got a job.
- That's good to here, Spencer.
I'm proud to know I had
something to do with
putting your life on track.
So, what are you doing these days?
- I work for Louie the loan shark,
the guy you've been
stiffing for twenty grand
worth of poker money for the last month.
- Oh, um. You work for Louie now, huh,
well, um, if you could
just give me till Friday.
[silly music]
- [Narrator] Percy gave the judge
one damn holy a*s whooping.
And took his money, credit cards, and BMW.
On the drive back to Louis'
house Percy got to thinking,
Maybe the judge was right?
Doing an honest days work,
sure had way of making a man
feel good about himself.
Then he got to thinking
about the time he went
to the carnival and saw some stunt drivers
driving their cars on two
wheels. [wheels squealing]
For the most part Percy would have done
a lot better in life if
he'd just not bothered
thinkin' about things.
Kevin was undergoing
a series of treatments
with a new medication that Mr. Franklin
was certain would help
him become useful member
of society again.
- Mr. Franklin, we understand
that you've been using
a particular medication
from our military surplus
pharmaceutical department.
- Yes, well, not only
that, they gave me these
cool camouflage pants, I'm
the hit of the nightclubs
thanks to you.
- Those are army pants, Mr.
Franklin, the Navy, does not
use camouflage.
- Really?
- My point is I'm afraid I'm
going to have to order you
to cease your use of this medication.
- But, but I can't do that.
For the first time I've
been able to break down
Kevin Spencer's emotional resistance,
we might actually have
a chance at making him
a valuable member of society again.
- Yes, we in the military
also like helping society.
But I am afraid the pills
have turned out to have
some rather unfortunate side-effects,
I might say terrifying,
but that would be a breech of security.
- Terrifying side-effects?
But, you have to tell me,
this is my patient we are talking about.
- Well, it is breaking
security slapping the flag
and the constitution in the face.
But when you look at me with
those sad, puppy dog eyes
how can I say no?
The pills cause, drowsiness,
sleepiness, loss of appetite,
emotional fatigue, anxiety
attacks, injured unborn fetuses,
sinus headache,
- But these are all common side effects,
we can treat any of them
right here in the hospital.
- And the psychic power to
move objects with the mind.
- What? Oh my goodness.
We have to get to the
treatment room immediately.
- [Narrator] Mr. Franklin
and the General rushed
into the treatment room,
but it was too late.
- Uh oh.
- [Narrator] It wasn't
the first time Kevin had
had trouble with the penal system,
because of his involvement with drugs.
Mr. Franklin thought about
one of the other times,
while Kevin through him around like a kite
and banged him into some walls.
[upbeat music]
- As part of his community service
Kevin had to do volunteer
work at the animal shelter.
Kevin liked working with animals,
especially the part where he
got to gas the extra puppies.
Unfortunately, the animal shelter gas bill
was getting too high, so
Kevin had to back over them
with a car instead.
- Now get the hell out of my car spencer,
you useless pea brain tool,
I need you to take this
package over to the branch
over on the west side.
- [Narrator] As Kevin
waked to the bus stop,
he got curious about what
was inside the package.
It was filled with syringes,
and veterinary medication,
Kevin got really excited,
syringes and medication
were in high demand in prison,
and Kevin figured if he could
find a way to sneak them
to his friends in the joint,
he'd be looking at a nice chunk of change.
As plans go, Kevin figured
this was a real good one.
To avoid suspicion, Kevin put
something else in the package
and delivered it to the
other branch as expected.
- Alright, it's that
barking Christmas dog CD.
- [Narrator] Now Kevin had to figure out
how to get all these drugs
supplies into the joint,
but the only person with any experience
as a mule was his mom.
So he decided to ask her.
- Usually when I smuggle
smokes to your old man,
I hide them in my body cavities.
- I was the only guy who got
a whole carton smuggled in.
[laughing]
- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
want his parents to know
about his plan, cause then
they'd want a cut of the action.
So he told them it was part
of a homework assignment.
- I know a pig on the inside
who smuggles stuff in for a cut.
Maybe he'll help you with your homework.
- [Narrator] Kevin thought
that was a good idea.
Since, even he was smart
enough to know that
syringes in body cavities
didn't go together so well.
Kevin went to the prison guards house
and told him the scam.
If he brought the stuff in, he'd get 25%.
- I take the risks, and you get the money?
No way, it's fifty fifty.
- [Narrator] Because Kevin had
never done too well in math
he didn't really know the
difference between 25%
and 50% anyway, he just figured any money
was better than no money,
and handed over the package.
The guard took the drugs
and needles into the prison
and collected all the money,
then he decided to get greedy,
and stiff Kevin out of his cut.
- This is all the money he gave me,
now you want to make something out of it,
maybe I should call
your probation officer,
and tell him about your little scam.
- [Narrator] Kevin was stumped.
He knew Pete had given the
guard more money than that.
He thought maybe his imaginary
friend Allen could help him.
- You aint gotta take that, boy.
Learn that pig a thing or two.
- [Narrator] Allen sure
did make a lot of sense.
Leastwise if you were
a sociopath like Kevin.
Kevin told the guard he
wasn't going to leave
until they talked the matter through
and came to a satisfactory resolution.
It was a social strategy
he once saw on the Partridge Family.
- Stay as long as you want,
aint going to change nothing.
- [Narrator] Since the
first Idea wasn't working
Kevin whipped out a knife and
sliced off the guards ear.
Then took his money, his
keys, his credit cards,
and one of the uniforms from his closet,
Kevin figured that ought
to straighten things out.
Then he got the old man
to put on the uniform
and go unlock the south
gate of the prison.
It was the biggest escape
in the prisons history.
The only one who didn't
get away was Kevin,
because he was so jacked up on rum,
he passed out while going
through some of the escaped
convicts cells looking for porn magazines,
the police just left him
in the cell, to await trial
for robbery, as*ault, and
aiding and abetting a fugative.
That's the kind of thing that
would bother most people.
But since Kevin wasn't
capable of feeling emotion,
and since he spent most
days just sitting around
smoking, drinking and talking
to his imaginary friend,
Allen the magic goose,
he didn't much give a damn either way.
That's one of the nice
things about being insane.
Mr. Franklin had decided
to try chemical medication
to eliminate Kevin's
sociopathic tendencies.
The pills were experimental
and they gave Kevin
the psychic power of moving
things with his mind.
Kevin sure did like having
supernatural powers,
because he could destroy things
without a lot of heavy lifting.
He floated through the hospital
throwing large obstacles at the guards
[screaming]
and wrecking anything
that looked expensive.
- General, there must
be something we can do
to stop this mayhem.
- It's only a theory, but
if we could figure out a way
to over load his brain, we
could short circuit him.
In order to do it we'll need a question,
a diabolically ingenious prompt.
- I've got it!
Oh Kevin, where's waldo?
- [Narrator] Kevin's
brain churned furiously
trying to solve this complicated puzzle,
but eventually it was no use.
He overloaded and dropped
to the floor unconscious.
- We did it, now in keeping
with government policy,
I'm afraid we're going
to have to k*ll you all
to conceal the evidence.
Oh, there you go with the eyes, again.
Listen, just promise me
you won't tell anyone
and we'll forget this whole
incident ever happened.
- [Narrator] Mr. Franklin
figured he'd stick to the
more humanitarian forms of
treatment, like electroshock.
[dance music]
♪Kevin Spencer♪
♪something's wrong with that kid♪
♪Kevin Spencer♪
♪His head don't work, it never did♪
♪Kevin Spencer♪
♪You better not cross his path♪
♪Kevin Spencer♪
♪He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath♪
♪sociopath♪
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