02x06 - In Kevin We Trust

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer, ♪

♪ something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[rock guitar]

♪ That dumb white kid never did [bleep] ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer, ♪

♪ you'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[upbeat but depressing music playing]

- We ain't got no food.

- Yeah? So?

- So how's about getting off your lazy a*s

and getting some?

- Ah, do it yourself, you idiot.

- One of these days,

I'm going to find me a
woman who appreciates me.

- Ah, go to hell, you useless b*stard.

- Up yours, fatty.

[Percy grunting]

- Hey boy, go get that
last beer for momma.

[upbeat jazz music playing]

- [Narrator] It was the first day

of summer vacation,

and Kevin was already bored.

He wished he had something to do.

Kevin figured if he had something to do,

then he wouldn't have to spend
as much time with his family.

The idea of spending less
time with his parents

really appealed to Kevin,

because he hated them,

and got filled with rage every
time he thought about them.

[door bell ringing]

- Answer the door, boy.

You can hit the old man later.

[door bell ringing]

[dark organ music playing]

- If God ain't in your daily ritual,

then you're going to Hell
sure as I'm standing here.

Show him the picture, Brother Samuel.

[dark organ music still
playing, people screaming]

- That's gonna be you
screaming when you die,

screaming because the flames of Hell

will be burning your sinner's flesh.

[lighter lighting]

Until your internal organs

such as your spleen and
pancreas explode from the heat,

like a sausage in a microwave.

[dark organ music playing]

- The name's Jobe,

just like the guy from the bible.

Only difference between me and him

is I ain't got his patience
when it comes to sinners.

- The end of the world is coming,

little boy.

Either you're on the ark, or you ain't.

- You wanna be saved?

Come with us.

You want some of this, [people screaming]

stay here.

- So you want to join our church, or what?

[upbeat jazz music playing]

- [Narrator] Kevin was pretty hammered,

and hadn't really understood
what the men said.

He decided to go with them.

Mostly because he was hungry,

and he thought they were
going to take him out

for microwave sausages.

[brakes screeching, horn blaring]

[bears growling]

[man and woman screaming]

[upbeat music playing]

- It's going to be plenty
hot where you're going,

sinner.

[dark organ music playing]
- It's hot wherever I go, man.

- Avert your eyes, son.

[dark organ music playing]

- What's his problem?

- Who knows, baby?

This neighborhood just
keeps getting worse.

[smooth jazz music playing]

- Let's roll.

- Sweet, baby, sweet.

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[funky music playing]

[tires screeching, horn honking]

[foot tapping]

- Holy sh*t.

You guys better not be that
fast when we're sh**ting.

[men panting]

- I can go all night, baby.

- Well, today's your lucky day, gentlemen.

Normally I don't normally
work with rookies,

but I've gotta get this movie on the shelf

by the end of the week, or the investors

are gonna kick my a*s.

- I just want to say what an honor

it is to work with you, sir.

We've seen all your movies.

- Yeah, you're the best director

in the business, man.

You're a legend, baby.

- That's because I treat all of my films

as artistic statements.

For me, the sex is secondary.

You don't make a great
film without a great story.

The script comes first.

- Ain't that the truth, baby.

- So what do you want us to do?

- Put on these hats, you're
a pizza delivery guy,

Tiffany and Misty ordered pizza,

you pair off,

missionary, oral, back door,

oral, three-way, money shot, roll credits.

Any questions?

- No sir.

- Good. We start sh**ting in five minutes.

[groovy music playing]

- I don't know how he
keeps coming up with them.

Pizza delivery guys, that's classic.

- Oh. Hey, wait. What's my motivation?

- Sex with a better looking woman

than you'd ever get in real life,

and a paycheck.

Action!

- Rock and roll.

- Sweet, baby, sweet.

[funky music playing]

- [Guy With Afro] Ding dong!

- [Both] Come in, pizza delivery men.

Is the pizza still

hot?

- Not as hot as me, baby.

- You sure know how to handle a box.

- [Director] Music.

[organ plays over funky music]

[trumpet crescendos]

- Sweet Jesus, she's got the beer.

[trumpet crescendos]

[ominous music playing]

- Uh oh!

[tires screeching]

- You want a drink, ya
stupid son of a b*tch?

Here you go!

[trumpet fizzling out]

- Nice shot.

- Thanks, sugar plum.

Where the hell are we going, anyways?

- I got us a room at the Rugbata Hotel.

I told him we's was newlyweds
so we'd get the bridal suite,

it comes with sheets on the bed.

- You always did know how to treat a lady.

[ominous music playing]

[squishing]

- Awe, nuts

It's okay, he was having impure thoughts.

It was God's will that
he be run over by my car.

Now get back to work before
I smite the whole lot of you.

Come on son. It's time to
begin your indoctrination.

I mean, journey to the promised land.

[dark organ music playing]

[funky music playing]

- Three bills, man.

- Sweet.

- Not too shabby. I say you
and me do a little celebrating.

- What do you have in mind?

- A Texas Nikki of coconut rum

and a couple of lady friends I know.

- Sweet, baby, sweet.

- So where'd you learn to do that?

- I seen it in a movie,

then I practiced a few times times

with the assistant manager at a Fast Mart.

- You mean that one armed guy,

with the hunched back and
the blade in his head?

- I'm doing him for smokes.

He writes them off as damaged or stolen.

It's a win-win deal.

- You think we could get him to throw in

some lottery tickets?

- I'm holding back some of my best moves.

I'm sure I can arrange something.

- You're the best, baby.

[cheesy romantic music playing]

[moaning]

- Hey, Percy, how's it going?

- Lousy. My old lady's
off banging Charlie Plunt.

You ain't seen them in here, have you?

- They was in a couple of hours ago.

Had a few beers,

then I had to throw them
out for getting it on

in the men's washroom.

Speaking of beers...

- Yeah, give me a jug of draft.

- Let me see your money, first.

[money rustling]

I don't wanna know where or how

you laid your hands on that kinda scratch.

One jug of beer, coming up!

[upbeat deceptive music playing]

- [Percy] They say where they was going?

- Nope, but they was really into it,

so I figure whatever hotel they got,

it's probably real close.

[upbeat piano playing]

- What the hell?!

[old-time piano music playing]

God damn you, Spencer!

[theme music playing]

- And that's why everyone
who's not like us

is going to burn in Hell.

Any questions?

[eerie lullaby music playing]

- [Narrator] Kevin asked Jobe and Samuel

if it was a sin to have carnal
knowledge with a prost*tute.

[eerie lullaby music playing]

- Would that be a Christian prost*tute,

or a regular prost*tute?

- [Narrator] Kevin had to think back

to see if he could remember.

[funky music playing]

[horn honks]

- Dear God, I wouldn't do
one of ya for 20 bucks.

- Yeah, that's probably okay then.

[bells ringing]

- What the hell are you doing, kid?

It's just the dinner bell.

- [Narrator] Kevin told
the men that sometimes

he heard bells in his head,

then Kevin told the men
about the talking goose

that lived in his head that was magic,

and helped him make decisions.

- That's swell, kid.

Before you eat,

I want you to read this book.

No eating or sleeping until you finish it.

If we catch you trying to
sneak a nap or a snack,

we'll talk to God and give you a disease.

- We're real tight with the Lord, kid.

We say Ebola, [snapping]

you start bleeding like a stuffed pig.

- It really is that easy.

- [Narrator] Going to camp
with crazy bible people

was harder than Kevin figured it would be.

He was hoping a long walk in the woods,



would clear his head.

But all it did was make him
sort of hallucinate a bit,

and remember the last time he was at camp.

It was a camp for fat kids.

Kevin's parents had sent
him there when he was 11

to try to get rid of his beer gut.

- Start blowing, you
hideous pile of flesh!

[bad trumpet playing]

- Welcome to Hell, butterballs.

My name's Colonel Manson.

And it's my unfortunate duty

to try and whip you
obese freaks into shape

resembling something human.

Obviously, I don't have
time to do it all myself,

so I've enlisted the aid of a
few generals to help me along.

Introduce yourselves, men.

- You will call me General Pain.

That's a nickname.

And believe you me,

you don't wanna know how I earned it.

I'm in charge of morning calisthenics,

afternoon calisthenics,
and evening calisthenics.

And [clears throat] arts and crafts.

If you've got any questions,
then you must be stupid.

Cause I haven't said anything
that's hard to understand.

- You will call me General Destruction.

This man's army's got a uterus now,

but don't think getting in
my platoon is a free ride.

I'll work you so hard,
you'll start to hallucinate

and think you're seeing God.

[laughing]

I'm also the camp doctor.

- I don't like obesity,

and I don't make any bones about it.

Your body is your temple,

and starting right now,

the bank is about to foreclose

on your little piece of real estate.

I'd like y'all to meet the banker.

You will call me General
Disregard for all things humane.

I'll also be organizing
the scavenger hunt.

[boys crying]

- There will be no questions.

Now it's time for a little ten mile run.

Fall in behind General Pain!

- [Narrator] Even though Kevin

wasn't overweight, he'd still
finished last in the run,

because he'd gotten
pretty jimmied up on rye,

and kept falling down and getting lost.

Finishing last meant
that Kevin had to wait

until all the other kids had
their meal before he got his.

- Bon appetit, you last place loser.

- [Narrator] Kevin looked at his food,

and he was confused.

He'd never seen a salad before,

because his family pretty much

just ate fried takeout food,

and because his dad
thought salads were for

women and h*m*,

and wouldn't allow them
into any house of his.

All that thinking about sin had reminded

him of General Destruction.

Kevin was in love.

Kevin decided to go see
if General Destruction

was still awake, so he
could ask her to marry him.

He made it almost all the
way out the door of the cabin

before he blacked out and fell down.

[trumpet badly playing "Reveille"]

- It's time for your run.

What in the name of all that's holy

do you think you're doing, Spencer?

[echoing] Spencer? Spencer? Spencer?

- Now we're in Hell.

Come on Broken Head, let's you and me

check things out.

Jesus H, boy,

you got your own room and everything.

[John Lennon music playing]

- You're a bit early, Kevin.

I haven't finished painting yet.

- [Narrator] Kevin was amazed.

He couldn't imagine a more horrible place

than a nice family kitchen

where you would have to spend eternity

politely talking to your parents.

He was also a little bit confused

about why John Lennon was in Hell.

- Ask God.

- Who's more popular now?

- You are, God.

- You got that right, jerk.

Oops.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

- Come on lunatic kid,

get the hell out of here.

This place is giving me a willy.

- See you in 22 years and 5 days, Spencer.

- Spencer!

You must wanna go to Hell, boy.

Am I right? Is that what you want?

Spend an eternity with
the searing fires of Hell

burning your flesh?

Pick up your book and come on.

Prayer service is about to start.

Then we have to make a bunch more

anti-ab*rtion signs for the protest.

Oh yeah, and we gotta clean our g*ns, too.

And we need you to fill out a form

signing over all your worldly possessions

to the church for the rest of your life.

- [Narrator] Since Kevin
didn't own anything,

and was too much of a mentally unbalanced

substance ab*ser to ever have a job,

he figured trading all
his worldly possessions

for three meals a day and a g*n

was a real sweet deal.

[Texas standoff music playing]

- That'll be 28 bucks, please, sir.

- [Narrator] As crimes go,

Percy knew this wasn't a very good one,

and that the police wouldn't
have too much trouble

finding him.

But since he figured he
was going back to the joint

sooner or later anyway,

he thought he'd might just as well

go with a full stomach.

[gas station bell dinging]

- Ah Jesus, H, that's all I need.

Well, I'm knocked up again.

- Awe, man, Percy's gonna k*ll me!

- Who said it was yours?

- You been stepping out on me too?

- Can I help it if I need more than

one man to satisfy me?

Or seven?

- Eh, what are you gonna do?

- It's your lucky day, Plunt.

You're off the hook this time,

cause I got a free pass.

[church organ playing]

- And lastly, we thank you Lord,

for our powerful lobby groups,

and poorly guarded borders,

which allow our American friends

to smuggle automatic weapons to us.

Let us be strong as we do the Lord's work!

And let our aim be true.

- Alright, let's load up and go

sh**t us some ab*rtion doctors.

[crowd cheering]

[radio dispatcher speaking
in the background]

- Percy, this is Detective Johnson.

You remember me.

I'm the guy who hit you in the kneecap

with a hockey stick last year.

When you were arrested for
stealing those lottery tickets.

Come out with your hands up

and no one's going to get hurt.

At least not that much,

maybe just a few rubber b*ll*ts
and a nightstick beating.

- Nightstick beating?

I thought he was white?!

- Didn't you get the memo?

We're beating everyone now.

That way, no one can say we
discriminate against minorities.

- Boy [chuckles] progress, huh.

Come on.

[retro video game music playing]

- [Walkie Talkie] [mumbling]
Give us an update!

- We're clear back here,

no sign of him, sir.

[motorcycle roaring]

- Suspect is mobile!

I repeat, suspect is mobile!

- Kiss my a*s, you sons of b*tches!

- Name, how many weeks
pregnant, and method of payment.

- Anastasia Spencer, about
three weeks, give or take,

and I'm a member of the club,

and this is my free one.

- Six times lucky,

good for you.

Have a seat,

the doctor will be with you
whenever he feels like it.

- It's a beautiful day to be a son of God.

Load out, boys.

[police siren wailing]

- Men, the moment of
righteous glory is upon us.

God has beckoned you to step forward

from the cowardly masses of heretics.

He has asked you to step
forward with your weapons,

to eradicate this affront to decency!

God has a message, and he has chosen us

to be his messengers.

[police siren wailing]

Ready.

[police siren wailing]

Aim.

[police siren wailing]

- [Percy] Yee haw!

[people screaming]

- How's it going?

- Just like riding a bike.

See you in a few months, probably.

- Damn you, Plunt!

The hell you see in him, anyway?

- Jolly's a gentleman.

He drove me to the clinic
and waited and everything.

- Oh the [mumbling] too good for you now?

- Up yours!

- I'm gonna get you, Plunt!

Mark my words!

- [Narrator] The police impounded the bus

and took all the cult members to jail.

All of them except for Kevin.

Kevin had been lucky,

because before he had gotten off the bus,

he saw something shiny on the floor,

and had gotten distracted
for almost half an hour.

Then he got confused,

and then he passed out,

because he had been sniffing glue

for the whole bus ride.