02x10 - Field Tripping

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethin's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ I don't like ya, never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[birds chirping]

- Attention, ow.

Attention, ow.

Knock it off.

Okay teens, we should be arriving

at the pioneer village in a few minutes.

Has anyone forgotten to give
me their permission slip?

[groaning]
My eye!

- Sit down arse hole.

- Hey now.

Hey, hey now, hey!

Now this will al go better if.

- Kiss my a*s fairy.

- You listen here.

Are you listening?

[glass shattering]
Ouch!

[soft music]

God help me I ought k*ll
you little b*stards.

Oh hello, I'm Mr. Cardy.

We're here from the school.

- Hello.

I'm Mrs. Bunch, your tour guide.

What an intelligent looking group

you have Mr. Cardy.

And what's your name young man?

- Please don't step too
close to him Mrs. Bunch.

- What do you mean?

Listen, I've seen city youths before

and I'm not afraid to talk--
- You don't understand.

Our school's insurance now demands

a safety perimeter around Kevin Spencer.

It's literally against the
rules to get too close to him.

- Okay.

So why don't we start the tour?

Now, how many of you know what it was like

to live 200 years ago?

- I went to Manitoba last summer.

- How cute.

- But I'm not talking about the 1850s

I'm talking about the 1750s.

- [All] Ah.

- [Narrator] It was the first
field trip of the semester

and since Kevin didn't
much care for learning,

he tried thinking about
something funny, like monkey's.

[monkey farting]

[thwacking]

- Visiting our village
will be a much better

learning experience than
watching some TV show.

And to help you understand
just how much more,

here's a video to help you get oriented.

- Welcome to Ye Olde Pioneer Village.

A retreat to a simpler time.

The days when a man
could find life's answers

as close as his local barn.

- I hate my life.

[soft music]

[g*nsh*t firing]

I'm not quite dead.

- Experience the thrill of
watching a rug being made.

[soft music]

See the church where
the underground railroad

brought American sl*ves to our country

to breathe the clean air of freedom,

provided it was with their own
kind and no one hired them.

And we're proud to announce a special

addition to the family,
Betsy is our second

Jersey cow here at the village and we hope

you'll join us in welcoming
her when you visit.

So don't say those were the days

because those days are
here again today, today.

[birds chirping]

- Let's move on.

[soft music]

Now here's something you
don't see very often.

It's called a pilary.

Bad people were locked up with their heads

and hands inside and
exposed to public ridicule.

- See kids?

Just like that show cops.

- [Together] Ah.

- Sometimes they were even whipped.

- See kids, just like that.

Whipped, hey.
[sensual music]

- Yes, whipped and flogged.

You might of heard of it
in the Scarlet Letter,

a tale of adultery and forbidden passion.

Well, let's move on.

- I think I speak for everyone when I say,

I'd sure like to hear
more about this pilary.

- But there isn't.
- I'll give ya five bucks,



- I said let's move on.

[bell dinging]

- Hear ye, hear ye.

Come see the pigs in the livestock barn.

All naked, all the time!

- Many of the actors who
play our pioneer citizens

are local volunteers.

Follow me, I'll show you.

[soft music]

- [Narrator] Sure enough when they got

to the milking stable,
Kevin saw the familiar faces

of his two favorite adult film actors.

- Hey kids, we're stable hands.

- Oh yeah.

Because whenever you is milkin' somethin'

you need stable hands.
[sensual music]

- [Narrator] Kevin was
confused and worried

because he thought that his two favorite

porn actors had stopped making films.

- Hell no kid, artistically we just wanted

to play a period piece.

- So now we work part time
showing people how to milk.

[sensual music]

- Oh baby, milk that cow.

- My god.

Hurry children, don't look.

The town has buildings from
many periods in its history.

Here's the old movie house from 1915.

Town folk would come from
miles away to see the films.

It's been closed for a
while but everything inside

has been perfectly preserved,
even the old projector works.

We'll now take a short break for lunch.

I encourage you to use
Ye Olde Bank Machine

before exploring our gift shop.

- Mrs. Bunch, do they
sell those pilary things?

[soft music]

- Hey get a load of Spencer.

- Linnen's for assholes boy.

Let's you and me see if
we can't find some fun.

- Ha ha, look at him now, look at him now.

[mumbling] Funny.

[upbeat music]

- I hope you brought your wallet boy

because Allan needs to get him some.

How many times I gotta tell you?

You aint imaginary too stupid.

You gotta open the g*dd*mn door.

- What'll ya have stranger?

- [Narrator] Kevin asked for
a whole bottle of whiskey

just like if he was a real cowboy

with a chronic drinking problem.

- We're not allowed to
sell real liquor here kid.

Here's a soda made up to
look like a glass of booze.

I'll even stick an umbrella in it for ya.

- You wanna tell this old bag where she

can stick her umbrella.

- Hey kid.

If you want some real shine whiskey,

you just come along with me.

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't know what to do.

He really wanted the booze
but he wasn't so sure

it was a good idea to go
somewhere with a strange man.

On the other hand, Allan
didn't seem to give a rats a*s.

So Kevin figured he better hurry up

or the goose would stiff him
for a share of the booze.

- Hey guys.

- How's it goin', ye old h*?

- Jeez, you aint gotta be so formal,

just wh*re'll be fine.

Now what can I get for you boys?

- Two glasses of milk.

- No alcohol?

- I didn't know you was allowed to sell

adult beverages on the premises.

- I keep a bottle or two
lyin' around for the staff.

- Then make it two banana daiquiris.

- Sweet baby, sweet.

This place is great, aint it?

- It'd be a great set for our next film.

- Oh baby yeah.

Like a cross between deep
throat and g*n smoke.

[sensual music]

- I gots a full house.

- That's cheatin' baby.

- Does your piece always
smoke after you sh**t

- It sure is a nice g*n.

- You should see the
other g*n I'm packing,

when it shoots.

- Does it also smoke when it shoots?

- I aint never looked baby.

- Maybe I should take
my dress off and check.

- Wild, wild west baby.

- That's f*ck' gold
baby, pure f*cking gold.

- Kid, I'm gonna tell you the real story

of how this town was founded.

Don't go believin' all this
history they been feedin' ya.

People all polite and tippin' their hands.

We're nothin' like that.

- [Narrator] Kevin asked
how a crazy old drunken

b*stard like him would know.

- How would I know?

I'm Max, the 2,000 year old drunk.

And I was there.

Okay I'm only 117 but I've
been the town drunk here

ever since there was a town,
except for a while in the 60s

when I was into peyote and acid.

Then I was the town junkie.

Hey kid, I got somethin' in my pants

I want you to see.

- Uh oh.

Aim for the spleen lunatic,
aim for the spleen.

- It's a picture of me
when I was your age.

- [Narrator] Even Kevin
couldn't help noticing

the resemblance, which
was pretty remarkable

because his vision was really blurry

on account of his cough syrup buzz.

- Yep, I was a boy just like
you when I came to this town,

except for your stupid lookin' hat.

The world was changin' fast.

Sigmund Freud proved we all

wanted to sleep with our mothers.

This town was nothin'
more than a few shacks

and a tradin' post.

And best of all, heroin
was as legal as candy.

I was usin' a gram of heroin a day

to try and stop smokin' cigarettes.

And I just ended up doin' both.

- [Narrator] Kevin couldn't imagine

what it must have been
like to buy heroin legally.

- Oh sure, that's what
the guy who invented

the first bicycle was on.

Then he sobered up and made
the front wheel a lot smaller.

Now pay attention, I'm
gettin' to the good part.

I got here in 19 odd six,
seeking fame, fortune

and what we at the time call women who

would have sex with ya for money.

But my career options were kinda limited

on account of I was dumber
than t*ts on a bull.

So I did a stretch as a horse thief.

- Hey, come back with my horse.

- Then the guy who shovels
the crap off main street.

Eventually, I got work
in animal husbandry.

I had to get the bulls good and worked up

so they can get to romancin' the cows.

It was lonely thankless work.

Painful and crippling too.

That was before we knew
about carpal tunnel syndrome.

Speakin' of which, you mind openin'

this fresh bottle for me?

- [Narrator] Kevin noticed
the old man's hands

were a little more than
calloused, twisted old stumps

and his back was as
crooked as a Montreal cop.

Kevin started to wonder what he'd be like

when he grew into an old man.

- The head seems to be staying alive

purely by the power of its will.

- Years of alcohol abuse
has preserved it in tact.

How can we destroy it?

- I don't know.

I thought we might try taking
it out to the parking lot

and backing over it a few times.

- Brilliant!

[soft dramatic music]

[tires screeching]

- Hey Kevin, Kevin!

You payin' attention?

Over here!

I'm tryin' to tell ya about the old days.

You're in the wrong flashback.

Pay attention idiot!

I'll only tell ya this as many times

as you're willing to listen to it.

Yes it was tough going back then.

Days end came, I'd tell off and work

and go to the Nickelodeon.

The snobs started walkin'
around with their cocaine

and fancy snuff boxes,
doin' their business

in what we at the time called toilets.

They even shot a news reel here.

[soft music]

All this prosperity
and I was still holdin'

up my pants with a length of barbed wire

and gettin' drunk on swill.

I decided then and there that

I wanted a piece of the action.

- Our husbands died from the pox

and now the crown won't
give us a widows pension.

What can we do?

- Those poor widows needed my help.

So after a lot of elbow
grease and hard work,

in no time we built the
best darn whorehouse

north of Lake Superior.

That's how I met my one true love, Celia.

Her eyes sparkled like
someone takin' a drag

off a firey cigar.

After a while we squirreled
away enough to build

our own still and things
were lookin' pretty sweet.

But then, that new feller came to town,

Reverend Zeek Spencer.

He pretended to hate sinners
but the truth was he was

the worst crook that ever
gagged on a communion wafer.

Now he was ready to set
up his bares in my town.

And I was scared.

I aint too much of a man to admit it kid,

I sh*t my pants.

No I mean just now when I said eh.

Now give me a second and I'll come back

and finish this story.

[upbeat music]

- 31, 32, 33.

Someone's missing.

Wait a minute, this class doesn't smell

as smokey as it should.

- Hi kids.

- Mrs. Bunch, one of my
students has gone missing.

Kevin Spencer.

- My heavens.

I'll notify security and we'll
search the area immediately.

- Kid, wake up.

Come on boy.

Okay, so where was I?

Oh yeah, this new fella, Zeek Spencer.

I had him pegged as a
great load of trouble

from the get go.

- I'm here to put the fear
of God into you hookers.

- Put more than the fear of God in 'em?

Class A case of crabs for one thing.

They kept workin' of course.

But it's the principal of
the thing that gets me.

And he got all the locals against me

with his incredible
command of the language.

- I've been talkin' to God
and he told me to tell you...

Liquor's bad expect for sacramental wine.

We should go wreck that guy's still.

- [Max] But the truth was he
didn't wanna outlaw alcohol.

He was tryin' to put me outta business

so he could control the racket.

- We're smashing your still Max.

I'm closin' down this whorehouse
on account of it's wrong.

Take all the prostit*tes
to my house to be saved.

- Why should I go with you?

- I need a new milk
maid to churn my butter.

Do yourself a favor Max, get your sinnin'

and moon shinin' outta my
town before me and the lord

tear ya a new one.

- [Max] Well I had it up to my a*s

with that hypocritical b*stard.

So I challenged him to
a duel for Celia's hand.

Flint locks as sunrise.

[soft dramatic music]

[soft music]

[rooster cawing]

The next day we changed the time to sunset

on account of everyone's hangovers.

[soft music]

- Frontier violence, this will look great

in the next news reel.

- [Max] Flint lock aint
a very reliable g*n.

Mine blew up in my hand.

[screaming]

As I lay there helpless, I told Zeek

that someday I'd expose him to the town

for the crook that he was.

- Really?

In that case.

- [Max] Zeek figured he had me.

But I still had one ace up my sleeve.

- Hear ye, hear ye.

I declare on this day that
young squire Kevin Spencer

has gone missing.

If you find him or his mutilated remains,

you'll be rewarded handsomely.

- Listen folks, I
appreciate the staff helping

us out like this.

We're looking for a lost boy
by the name of Kevin Spencer.

- How do we know if we found him?

- He'll probably try to stab you.

- What does he look like?

- He's a short kid, hunched over,

black baseball cap,
kinda looks like Hitler

if he was one of the Little Rascals.

- That sounds like the kid I
was talkin' to at the brothel.

- Great.

We'll start our search there.

- Mrs. Bunch and I will
stay here and organize.

- [Together] Yo Spencer.

Kevin, come out little Kevin.

- Maybe we could get his attention

with some good vibrations.

Play some of our tunes for him.

- Can't.

Left the tape deck back
at the milking stable.

We'll have to improvise.

[beat boxing]

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

[sensual music]

[upbeat music]

- Reverend Zeek thought
he had all the liquor

and wh*res in town under his thumb.

But I'd have my revenge.

- That was some real sweet lovin' Celia.

I better get goin'.

Gonna pick up some kick back money

on my way home from the still.

- Hey don't forget, you said you'd take me

to the new movie house.

- Jesus Christ, I forgot,

I was supposed to be cuttin' the ribbon

at the openin' ceremony.

[soft upbeat music]

Hello fellow Perish nerds and welcome

to the new movie house.

Now let's see what crazy high jinx

that fatty Arbuckle's up to this time.

[upbeat music]

Hey that's my f*ck' a*s.

- [Old Man] I spied on Zeek Spencer

with the news reel camera
and caught every bribe,

every beating, every act
[mumbling] he committed.

- Thems all f*ck' lies.

I aint never done none of that.

[upbeat music]

- As mayor, I'd like to
thank you for exposing

this perverse Charlton.

Also I'd like to request a copy
of your movie for evidence.

- Me too please.

- [Max] Without meaning to, I'd invented

the first porno movies.

Now we were a three industry town.

[soft music]

The last time I saw Zeek Spencer

was when his head snapped off
'cause he was too g*dd*mn fat.

After I retired, I
pretty much just crawled

into a bottle and never came out.

[snoring]

- [Narrator] Kevin was
glad Max had passed out.

Since Allan had gotten bored
and left a long time ago,

he decided he'd better
go rejoin the others

and quickly rifled Max's pockets
before goin' back to class.

- Hey Kevin, everyone's
been looking for you.

- Hey Mrs. Bunch, we found him.

[groaning]
- Oh yes.

I'm gonna beat you.

Oh, porn man.

I was just showing Mr.
Cardy a typical flogging.

Where were you Kevin?

Everyone was worried.

- [Narrator] Kevin told
them about the old drunk

who taught him about the town's history.

- Why, we don't have a character
playing the town drunk,

how strange.

I wonder if.

No, it couldn't be.

A ghost from the past?

[all gasping]

- We found this guy throwing
up in your butter churn mam.

He's an escapee from the asylum.

- [Narrator] Kevin was
going to stick up for Max

and tell everyone what really happened.

But then he got to thinkin' about what

would happen if he drove a convertible

full of big gas cans into a huge container

of liquid petroleum.

[soft dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[groaning]
- Oh yes.

[whip lashing]
I'm gonna beat you.