[upbeat music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
[guitar riffs]
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
[bleeps]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[guitar riff]
- Where the hell do
you think you're going?
- Oh geez, the boy
figured you didn't want us
getting in the way whiles
you cleaned up all this sh*t,
so we's going out to get some more liquor.
- [Groans] I ain't
cleaning nothing, a*s wipe!
Besides, it's New Years Day,
ain't no place open to get booze.
- Don't mean there's no booze out there.
- [Narrator] Percy Spencer was the king
of getting booze when no one else could.
And whether he was making
moonshine in prison,
or boiling the alcohol out
of a tin of shoe polish,
he was always giving helpful advice
to Kevin about how to get hammered
when you had no cash.
[silly music]
- Here's how you get
free booze at a hotel.
Expensive place like this
usually has private parties
for big companies on the weekend.
Put your learning hat on and follow me.
[funky music]
[light chattering]
Hear that, boy?
That's the sound of an open bar.
Just walk in like you belong there,
and no one will hassle you.
- What'll it be, boys?
- Give us two pitchers of gin.
- So, how long you two
been down with the KKK?
- Don't know, I don't
listen to no rap music,
except for that Chubby Checker guy.
Now get the hell out of my way
whiles I catch up with these fellas.
[piano tune]
♪ Oh baby, baby, won't
you shake it to the left ♪
♪ Stinky Willy, ooh, Stinky Willy ♪
- Yeah, Chubby Checker is one
fat twisted son of a b*tch.
♪ Stinky Willy, ooh Stinky Willy ♪
- Watch me dance!
Wow baby, what's the matter,
don't you guys like dancing?
♪ Baby, baby, you better
watch out where you're goin' ♪
[Percy groans]
[angry shouting]
[sticks beating]
- Okay, so you're a good provider.
That don't mean you're off the hook
helping me clean up this sh*thole.
I don't even know half these guys.
- I'm surprised there's a man
in this town you ain't banged.
- That's different from
knowing them, as*h*le.
- Come on, boy, it's the
morning after New Year's Eve,
so there's gotta be leftovers
out there someplace.
[emergency sirens blaring]
- [Narrator] As Kevin wandered
through the tattered remnants
of the celebration, he felt
only a gnawing emptiness
reminding him of his emotional incapacity.
It had been seven hours
since his last beer,
and he was already starting
to go into withdrawal.
- Hey, you got any booze on ya?
- I can't help ya, try the
hedges outside the hotel.
They're always dropping
booze off of the balcony.
Should warn ya though,
there's a bad car wreck
around the corner, lots
of blood [groans] oh well.
Happy New Year!
- Car wreck, the day's picking up!
[funky music]
- [Narrator] As Kevin and the
old man rounded the corner,
they recognized Lowmax,
Kevin's tow-driving cousin,
who was on contract with
the police department.
- Hey Lomax, holy smokes,
what the hell happened?
- An accident, [chuckles]
happens every New Year.
Pretty awful mess [laughs]
this'll destroy their families.
- Yeah, well the holidays
are a family time.
Listen Lomax, we gotta
find some booze pretty bad.
- [Narrator] Kevin's DTs
were starting to get worse,
and his imaginary friend
Allen the Magic Goose
was getting really pissed off.
- The goose needs booze,
boy, the goose needs booze!
- There's probably some
leftover booze in the car.
The police will probably
want some of it as evidence.
But heck, there's so much you
might as well help yourselves.
Get some for Aunt Anastasia too!
Happy New Year! [giggles]
[slurping]
- Oh sweet Jesus, that's the good stuff.
- [Narrator] Things were looking up,
but then Kevin made a common
mistake among jonesing addicts,
and downed all the liquor
and pills in one shot.
[funky relaxed music]
- Way to go, you psychotic little b*stard.
How many times do I gotta tell
you not to take it all at once?
[gurgling]
- Whoa, you look pretty rough there, kid.
Kinda like that crying clown--
[emergency sirens blaring]
Oh sh*t, cops!
[silly music]
[rustling]
- Move along, mister, we don't like
bystanders hanging around an accident.
Hey, what's that?
[somber music]
Get the sergeant, we
missed a corpse over here!
- That's right, well I'll
just move along, officer.
[somber music]
[shimmering]
- Oh, my boy's dead!
- Don't cry, ma, I checked his wallet,
we're drinking imported beer tonight.
- He would've wanted it that way.
[calm funky music]
- Welcome to purgatory Spencer,
the most morally ambiguous
of place in the universe.
I am Dante, prepare to
spend infinity doomed
to a spiritually vacuous boredom.
Purgatory does have an upside.
You can do anything of
debatable cultural value.
So, enjoy a table dance, or one
of our video lottery terminals.
[calm funky music]
[clanking]
- Jackpot, boyo!
Hate to break the news to
ya, but you ain't getting it.
It's not your time, now
come back to reality
so I can kick your
ever-loving, White Tr*sh a*s.
- [Narrator] When Kevin woke up,
he found himself on a table in the morgue.
He'd been stripped naked and a strange
man stood over him with a knife,
just like his fist day
in juvenile detention.
- [Doctor] We'll begin with initial
incision into the subcutaneous layer.
- [Narrator] Kevin thought the doctor
was going to try something fruity,
on account of him
stealing all his clothes,
and set him straight right quick.
[punching]
[dramatic music]
[thuds]
[door creaks]
- Amateur, you overdosed like some
cheese-eating high
school kid on prom night.
I can't believe you, moron!
- [Narrator] Kevin told Allen that if he
didn't like the way he ran his life,
he could go screw himself, and
find another head to live in.
- Maybe I'll just do that, you
broken-headed little b*stard.
Have a nice life, idiot boy.
[wings flapping]
[mysterious music]
[thuds]
[lightning cracks]
Hey, Percy!
- Hey, there's a duck in my head!
- I'm a goose, you effing tool.
Good old Al is here to help
you think proper, especially
when it comes to buying
booze and pills from Charlie.
- Here you go, Percy, got your
name written on it and everything.
[Charlie laughs]
[lightning cracks]
- Heck, you know where he
keeps it, just take it!
- [Narrator] Percy
thought for a few minutes.
[heavy raining]
[lightning cracks]
Then he thought for a few more minutes.
[wheeling squeaking]
- I could steal Charlie's crop
and keep it all for myself.
- That's right, then you and
I can get nicely toasted.
This could be the start
of a beautiful friend--
- What are you talking about?
Ain't sharing my score
with no f*cking duck.
- I'm a goose, as*h*le.
- And I said duck!
[suspenseful riff]
[lightning cracking]
[wings flapping]
- [Narrator] After a few days,
Kevin was having his own problems
dealing with Allen's absence.
He'd never suspected the
influence of an imaginary friend
contributed so much to
his confidence level.
Now he was the patsy for every
school thug who wanted a piece of him.
- What are you girls doing?
- He said Jean-Paul Sarte was his
favorite existentialist philosopher.
Like, hello, does the word
Kierkegaard ring any bells?
- Yeah, or Nietzsche,
what about Nietzsche?
- Let him go this instant!
You girls should attend
the Up With Teens rally
at the community center on Friday.
Perhaps that would elevate you
to a more ladylike standard of conduct.
- Yeah, right, that's
what we'll do Ms. Calhoun.
[somber piano chord]
[Kevin thuds]
- [Narrator] It was Kevin's
bitterest humiliation.
He'd become the first kid in history ever
to be sworn by the school's debating team.
[bottles clattering]
- Jesus Christ, ain't there
nothing but empties in here?
Hey boy, good thing you didn't die,
'cause I need you to
help me find a shovel.
What happened to your face?
Looks kinda bumpier than usual.
Is that what the kids
are wearing these days?
- [Narrator] Kevin told
him how he'd gotten
beaten up by girls, and
dragged around the track.
[Percy chuckles]
Stop it boy, gee, reminds me
of the day I stood up to the school.
[silly music]
[motor hums]
[crunching]
Hey, watch where you're
parking it, wheelie.
[screaming]
[crashing]
[Percy chuckles]
Then I dropped out.
Listen, help me find this shovel.
Charlie's got a whole trailer full
of weed, and we're gonna steal it.
I won't need no drugs
for three whole days.
You know any cars in the
neighborhood with a trailer hitch?
- Hey Percy, thought I
heard you talking about me.
- Uh no, we were just talking about--
[shrill whining]
- Geez Percy,
what happened to Kevin's face?
He's getting roughed up by bullies?
- [Narrator] Percy didn't
want Charlie to know
that Kevin had been beaten up by girls,
because then he'd think
Percy hadn't raised no man.
So he came up with a lie that
made him sound more manly.
- I beat him up myself.
- Gosh, sure did a good job.
- Runs in the family, listen Charlie,
you wanna do me a favor and keep
an eye on the house for a while?
Wife's been in a suburban,
and I don't want her
falling asleep with her cigarette.
Been through three
couches this year already.
- No problemo!
[shimmering]
[sensual music]
- And don't go
putting no moves on her neither.
And don't lie neither, 'cause
I'll know from the mark.
- Hey, a lot of guys have
belt buckles like this.
[funky music]
[whistling]
- [Narrator] Kevin had
to get back to school
before lunch was over,
so he and Percy agreed
to meet after class, and
take care of business.
[upbeat music]
- We have the Pythagorean Theorem.
- Isn't it true that
Pythagoras smoked pot?
- I should think not!
- This book of lists I got
from the library says he did.
And it says Salvador Dali ate hash,
and that Elton John is g*y.
- Timmy Wilkins, there's
no way Elton John is g*y!
You're making me very frustrated!
[class laughs]
- Ooh, Ms. Calhoun is
frustrated, there's a news flash, ooh!
[whooshing]
- [Narrator] Suddenly,
Allen the Magic Goose
appeared in the teacher's head.
- Well looky looky, what we have here in
a drab little receptacle of broken dreams,
soiled romances, and antidepressants.
I'm gonna make this babe rock!
- Who are you?
- Me?
I'm Allen the Magic
Goose, the strokingest,
smokingest foul that ever
crawled up inside your medulla,
and I'm here to tell ya, you shouldn't be
taking this crap from some punk.
- You're right, I've been taking
crap from these teens all day.
- You oughta set 'em straight,
you oughta take a stand.
It's time to lash out,
and let 'em have it!
- You're right, I'm gonna do it!
Timmy Wilkins, sit down, dammit!
- That's it, you say dammit,
and you call that striking at 'em?
- Oh, you think I should
have stamped my foot?
- [Narrator] Allen figured that trying
to pull Ms. Calhoun's
cork out might provide
more of a challenge than
he was prepared to accept.
From the back of the class,
Kevin noticed something familiar
in the way his teacher wigged out.
[upbeat music]
- And the next time you say Oppenheimer
was the greatest atomic scientist,
you might wanna remember
the name Enrico Fermi.
- [Narrator] As Kevin hung helplessly
from the swing set, the
delicate sting of cotton briefs
inching ever more menacingly
into his sweaty crevice,
he wasn't thinking about Enrico Fermi.
Kevin was figuring he'd better
get a new imaginary friend,
before the chess club got ahold of him.
[whooshing]
[silly music]
- Hey kid I'm Hacky, the
cigar-smoking rollerskating monkey.
Rumor has it you need
a new imaginary friend.
- [Narrator] Kevin
asked Hacky what he did.
- I rollerskate, and smoke cigars.
Sometimes I can even make you
hallucinate about evil clowns,
but that's just something I
do when you eat Greek food.
- [Narrator] Kevin
didn't think the monkey's
repertoire was suited to his needs.
[whooshing]
- I am Zoltron, the Transformer.
By day I am a titan of
mechanized justice, but by night
I put I put on high heels
and a sexy night dress.
- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
interested in a robot
that couldn't tell the difference between
a transformer and a tr*nsv*stite.
[whooshing]
- Gee mister, I was sent
here by a temp agency.
They said you needed some
short-term delusions and paranoia.
- [Narrator] Kevin figured
this was the best compromise,
since the kid seemed flexible,
and could work odd hours.
- Whoa, alright, wait 'til
the 4H club hears about this!
[playful music]
[gurgling]
- Hey boy, quite f*cking
around on the swings,
and get over here, we got work to do!
[guitar riff]
- Come on, Charlie, I told ya I wanna
recreate that scene from 9 1/2 Weeks!
- I know sweetie, but
all ya got in the fridge
is a half-eaten tin of herring,
and a jar of expired horseradish.
- Use your imagination!
[footsteps]
- I can't,
honey, I just can't seem to focus.
Sounds weird, but I keep seeing this goose
telling me it wants to
be my imaginary friend,
and do all kinds of bad stuff.
[silly riff]
- Magic goose?
I don't mind the idea of a
threesome, Charlie, but a goose?
That's disgusting!
- Really?
Hm, well, how's about my buddy
Joe, the construction worker?
I owe him a favor, him and a few pals.
- Aw Charlie, always
with your sweet talking!
[quack echoes]
- [Narrator] Soon Allen
found the only other brain
in the whole town as
drugged up as Kevin's.
It was the old widow Coulson.
- Good morning, and
evening, and we got fun.
- Whoa, this old bit's lost
most of her brain already.
Just a tiny neuro-meatball,
marinating in a scrumptious synaptic stew
of diuretics and Alzheimer's medication.
- Who the hell are you?
- I am Allen the Magic Goose,
and I'm better than all
your medication combined,
with the possible exception
of methamphetamines.
I bet you have some questions for me.
- Who the hell are you?
- Hm, gonna have to do some
work on the short term memory,
but so far you are the best candidate.
[popping]
[crashing]
- Charlie's got all his
marijuana buried in a trailer,
but we can't tow it away
until you dig it out.
[silly whooshing]
- [Narrator] Kevin told
his imaginary friend
that he didn't much like being
the sucker stuck with the sh*t work.
- Well maybe you could tell him
that things would go better
if you both cooperated.
[silly tune]
Ow!
Hey this wasn't part of the job
description, I'm outta here!
- Don't take all day, boy.
[funky music]
- [Narrator] Kevin made the work go faster
by fantasizing that he
was digging Percy's grave.
But he couldn't help
thinking, he wouldn't have
been such a sucker if
Allen had been around.
- I once had sex with F. Scott Fitzgerald!
- Oh man, don't you ever
do anything interesting,
like sh**t at squirrels,
or hold up a liquor store?
- I once had sex with Charlie Chaplin!
- Everybody had sex with Charlie Chaplin.
Come on, grandma, you can't spend your
declining years rocking
in your little old chair.
Let's go out and do something nasty!
- Don't like going outside,
too many ethnic people!
- Damn, why did I ever
bother with this old prune?
- [Narrator] Just as Allen
was about to give up again,
widow Coulson took her medication,
and for the first time,
Allen understood why old age
really is the best years.
[slow sensual music]
- You dance divinely,
Mr. Valentino, won't you
take me away from all this?
- That's right, sweetie, Allen's gonna
take you out and show you how to live.
Now go get a coat hanger
so we can steal us a car.
[engine hums]
[bus hisses]
- Stay behind the yellow line, please.
[upbeat music]
- [Narrator] Old Shill had been a
bus driver for 20 years, so he knew things
a bus driver can only learn
from years of experience,
like how to splash old
women, or how to start
and stop the bus in quick
succession to make people
bounce around like a pinball
when they tried to sit down.
- Main Street, the next stop, Main Street!
I used to have a girlfriend
up on this street.
Ah, but you know, she was too wild.
[girls giggling]
I could not tame her,
perhaps it was my bedroom
eyes that were my downfall.
[relaxing music]
[screaming]
Helgen Street, next stop, Helgen Street!
- May the almighty creator of the universe
bless the operators of
our community transit.
- You should wait until the bus stops,
or you'll get hurt, you idiot.
[slaps]
Oh!
[ominous music]
[footsteps]
- There's a sweet little vehicle.
You brought the coat hanger?
- Sure did, sonny.
- [Allen] Then let's get
over that barbed wire fence.
[ominous music]
[thudding]
- Oh!
[whooshing]
- Soon you'll be driving like a
little old lady from Pasadena.
Now shove that coat hanger in the door,
and we'll be outta here.
- I will not, this is
my favorite patterned
plastic coat hanger for my nightdress.
It's perfumed and everything!
- Plastic coat hanger?
You can't break into a car with that!
Go back home and get a real one.
- Yes sir Mr. Valentino.
[sensual music]
[crashing]
Oh!
[creaking]
- That's it, any second now you
should feel a button click over.
Aw sh*t!
- That sounds like dogs.
I hate dogs!
[barking]
They smell when they're wet.
[barking]
Ah, help me, Rudy!
[growling]
[ripping]
- This is just humiliating!
- Oh!
[upbeat music]
- God dammit, now what?
I know we got plenty of gas, we siphoned
three gallons out of that diesel truck.
[silly music]
Cops find us with this stolen car,
they're gonna find the
drugs in the trailer.
You go unhook it, and
I'll steal us another car.
[footsteps crunching]
[creaking]
[ominous music]
[upbeat bluegrass tune]
- Wow Charlie, your lady friend
sure knows how to throw a party!
- Anastasia ain't shy about entertaining,
but I think it's pretty
obvious she ain't no lady.
[upbeat bluegrass tune]
- No, but she's a woman!
[laughing]
- What do ya know, I own
a trailer just like that!
- [Narrator] Kevin tried his best,
but he couldn't stop the runaway trailer.
[upbeat bluegrass music]
[cheering]
♪ We're gonna live our lives ♪
♪ We're gonna free the world ♪
♪ We're gonna bring the
news to every boy and girl ♪
♪ It's just the greatest
thing you've ever seen ♪
♪ Get ready for Up With Teens ♪
- I'm Margie, it's fun to be normal!
- Susie, and I'm waiting 'til I'm married!
- Chad, I'm waiting
'til she's married, too!
- Shaniqua, and I can solve life's
problems with simple answers!
- I'm the janitor, I just walked
on stage by accident sorry.
- And now, Chad, the sexiest
and most sensitive member
of Up With Teens, is going to
sing a song about his mother.
[cheering]
Oh God,
this is so beautiful, I can't bear it!
- Thanks, Margie.
As you know, I don't
feel things the same way
as most people, I feel them
much deeper in my heart.
And that's why I'm singing
this song, for mom.
- Oh my God, I love you Chad!
- [Girls] We all love you, Chad!
♪ Mother, your love was-- ♪
[crashing]
[screaming]
- Whoa, like, what's all that smoke?
It's making me feel kind of hungry.
- Everybody get out of the
building, it's on fire!
- Hey, screw you and your
whole conformist ideology!
[somber piano music]
[screaming]
- [Narrator] When Kevin
finally came out of his coma,
he found himself in the hospital bed
right next to the widow Coulson.
- Kevin, my little baby's alive!
I'm gonna squeeze ya
'til your sutures pop!
- Yeah, and I'm gonna whoop your a*s
for trying to steal the stash.
- Like hell you are!
Charlie told me you've
been beating on him!
- That's a f*cking lie, I
should know, I'm the one--
[punching]
[Percy thuds]
- [Narrator] While Kevin's
parents embarrassed themselves,
he noticed he had another visitor.
- Yo Kevin, this whole fight thing
between us, it's too much damn work.
Let's bury the hatchet.
- Rudy, you can't leave me!
- Just watch me, baby, watch and learn!
[somber music]
- Welcome back Spencer,
staying longer this time?
- We're just here for the
strippers and gambling.
Now get my friend a table dance!
[Allen laughs]
[beeping]
[energetic rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
[guitar riffs]
[drums crash]
[bleeps]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
- [Ms. Calhoun] Timmy
Wilkins, sit down, dammit!
[guitar riff]
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