02x16 - The Tomb

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[crickets chirping]

[howling]

- [Narrator] Kevin had a new job.

It was actually more of a hobby,

but since Kevin spent
most of his time in school

jimmied up on cough syrup and
thinking about setting fires,

he didn't know what the word hobby meant.

Kevin was digging up
graves and taking jewelry.

Kevin didn't know it at the time,

but it was the best paying
job he would ever have.

This grave was deeper
than all the other ones

and Kevin was starting to get
real angry at the dead guy,

for being buried so far down.

Kevin was confused,

mostly because of the concussion.

He'd fallen into a secret chamber,

buried beneath the graveyard.

He wasn't sure what to do,

but he figured a smoke and
some cough syrup would help.

[yelling]

- Hey, what's with this shovel?

Hey, no wonder pickings
been so slim lately.

Find your own g*dd*mn graveyard, boy,

and give me a smoke.

Holy crap, look at this place.

Maybe it's a secret hideout for aliens.

Come on boy, let's see if we can find

some laser g*ns and space suits.

- [Narrator] Kevin
liked the idea of having

his own laser g*n and space suit,

and his own rocket ship that he and Allen

can fly around the universe.

[uplifting music]

- Yee haw!

Now, this is the life, broken head.

You and your best pal
Allen riding the cosmo.

Let's go to Neptune and get
some booze and space wh*res.

[triumphant music]

[electronic music]

- That's a real sweet parking, lunatic.

First rounds on me.

- Good evening, gentlemen.

Welcome to--

[expl*si*n]

- Screw the booze, Kevin.

Let's just sh**t the place up.

- How can this be happening?

Television doesn't exist in our world.

- Shut up, you stupid looking alien.

[sirens]

- Ah nuts, space cops.

Let's get outta here, broken head.

[zapping]

- [Space Cops] Stop. Inspector 7G.

- Hang on, Kevin.

Allen's gonna re-route the thrusters,

if I get us going fast enough,

we can split the space time
continuum and lose them cops.

Come on, come on!

Wires!

Come on, come on!

[loud whizzing]

- We meet again, space goose.

- [Allen] Ah, we're gonna make it, Kevin.

We're gonna make it!

[expl*si*n]

- Boy, that was close.

[gibberish]

- Why, hello.

I'm glad to see that you
have survived your ordeal.

I am Gorthon.

Welcome to our planet.

I have frightened you, I am sorry.

- [Aliens] Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry..

- You may relax, you
need not fear us, friend.

We are a peaceful race,

known the galaxy over for
our kindness and hospitality.

- Screw the friendship, Kevin.

Let's just sh**t the place up.

[lasers zapping]

- Boy. Hey boy.

Hey, hey stupid.

Jesus H, you was off f*cking around

with that goose again, wasn't ya?

Now, come on, we gotta find
a way outta here, quick.

Miss Nude Cornwall is
down at the club tonight

and I don't want to miss her.

I hear she's way hotter than
Miss Nude Carlton Place,

that might just be on account of she ain't

lost one of her legs in farming accident.

[door creaks]

[eerie music]

- It's okay, boy, everyone's dead.

Holy smokes, look at this f*cking place.

Must be some kind of secret lab,

like your Uncle Phil had
before the cops arrested him.

Maybe we should go through
all these guys' wallets

and check for I.D. and money.

- [Boris] Hey, leave my friends alone.

- It was his idea, I
was trying to stop him.

- Who are you?

Where did you come from?

- I'm Percy Spencer, this
here's my boy, Kevin.

Who the f*ck are you?

- My name is Boris and I've
been living in this godforsaken

underground dungeon for the last 30 years.

The government thought
they could k*ll us all,

after the experiment went horribly wrong.

They locked us in and left
us to die, but I'm alive,

and if you got in, then
there must be a way out.

- We were digging graves and fell in.

Come on, I'll show ya.

Here's the hole what we fell in through.

- 30 years, I haven't
seen the sky in 30 years!

My wife, my children, all grown up.

As soon as I get out,
I must tell the world

what the government was doing here.

Those b*stards!

This is the happiest day of my life!

[expl*si*n]

[laughing]

- Right in the head, you see that, boy?

Right in the head.

[laughing]

Uh oh, run, boy!

Okay, on three I'll open
the door, you go in there

and whack the f*cking donkey.

Jesus H, you're a p*ssy.

Fine, we'll just find
another way out then.

- [Narrator] Kevin told Percy that

they probably wouldn't have much luck,

since Boris had been
locked in for 30 years.

- The guy just got landed on by a donkey,

how smart can he be?

I got 50 bucks says we find

our way out of here in 10 minutes.

- [Narrator] Kevin decided
not to take the bet

because he knew there was
no way the fat b*stard

could lay his hand on
that kind of scratch.

- Lounge? Geez, I hope they got peelers.

Holy sh*t, look at all the
dead guys, broken head.

Must've been some f*cking party, eh, boy?

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
really paying attention because

he was so dizzy from all
the running and cough syrup,

that he was about to black out.

- [Percy] Ooo.

Ooo.

[laughing]

Gotcha! It was just daddy
f*cking around with a dead guy.

You should've seen your face, boy.

Ooo.

[laughing]

Ooo!

Ooo!

[laughing]

Way to straighten out that
son of a b*tch, flogger.

Oh hey, look at this, yoink!

[groaning]

f*cking thing's piss warm.

Come on, there's got to
be booze left some place.

I'd say we'll just get nice and tanked

and wait for help to arrive.

- [Narrator] Even
though, Kevin was getting

sick of having to do it,

he explained to the old man

that help wasn't real likely to arrive,

since nobody had been
around for almost 30 years.

- That was before there
was a donkey hole, stupid.

Cops see that, they'll be
swarming all over the place.

Since we both got warrants,

we'll have to go back to
the joint for a few months

so instead of sitting
around here wasting time,

I'd say we find us some
liquor and get happy.

You in or what, lunatic?

[panting]

- Uh oh.

Ask him for a smoke.

- Who are you?

- I'm Percy Spencer.

This here's my boy Kevin.

He don't speak none, on account
he ain't right in the head.

Hey, did you guys fall
in the donkey hole too?

- You're the first normals
we've seen in 30 years.

I've forgotten how delicious you looked.

- The big one will feed
us for several days.

- Feed you for several days?

f*ck that, I ain't cooking
for no one, as*h*le.

- It's flesh eating zombies, lunatic.

Like they taught you about in school.

Now let's ditch your old man
and get the hell outta here.

It's fat boy they want,
let them eat your daddy.

Not like you ain't dreamed of
this 1000 times, broken head.

- Let's get outta here, boy.

We'll come back for the booze later.

Look boy, I got smokes.

[suspenseful music]

[panting]

- [Zombie] Ow, my head.

[laughing]

- Way to go, ya f*cking loser.

- [Luke] Give me your keys, Barry.

- Keys? Jesus Christ, these
guys think of everything.

We gonna need more smarts
to get out of this one.

Find yourself a hitting stick, boy.

[eerie music]

[spooky music]

- Fools, don't you realize by
now that there's no way out.

- You don't know who you're dealing with.

- f*ck off!

[gibberish]

- What?

[gibberish]

- Enough, fat man, don't you realize that

you cannot destroy us?

- Yeah, frying pan ain't
gonna do you no good, mister.

Only thing that can k*ll zombies

is a b*llet in the brain or decapitation.

- Oh, way to give it away, Steven.

You're such an idiot.

[gibberish]

- You better hope they don't have a g*n,

that's all I've got to say.

- If they had a g*n, they
woulda shot us by now.

So as long as they don't
find the weapons room,

there's nothing they can do to us.

- Oh, for the love of god.

Oh, you are such an as*h*le.

- Now is probably not the best time, boy,

but Allen kinda needs some nicotine.

- Did you bring your g*n, boy?

What the f*ck's the point of me

stealing stuff for your birthday,

if you aint never gonna use it.

- Ask for a smoke, Kevin.

Ask him for a smoke.

Allen's hurting.

- Percy Spencer, always
a f*cking provider.

- Silence, mortals.

The day of reckoning is upon you.

[suspenseful music]

[expl*si*n]

[screaming]

- Well, that was only half
smoked, you f*cking idiot.

If you just gonna waste them,
I ain't giving you no more.

- You're only making things
worse for yourself, fat man.

The fire will only disfigure us.

It cannot k*ll us.

- Ya, only a b*llet to the brain

will do that or decapitation.

- Will you shut up already?

- Let's get out of here, lunatic.

- Hey, the fat man and
his son are getting away.

- Help me push this in
front of the door, boy.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
too keen on doing any work,

so he told the old man,

he'd only do it if he
got half of the smokes.

- Fine, just help me
push the f*cking thing.

[laughing]

Good job, ya f*cking knob.

Let's get the hell out of here, boy.

[gentle music]

[farting]

- Dead.

You alluded me for seven days, friend.

You were a noble foe, you
weren't meant to die this way.

There is no nobility in this.

[farting]

I will find who did this to you

and avenge your death, good friend.

Then I will return to this,
your sacred resting ground

and cut off your head for my den.

- [Narrator] Kevin and
the old man were lost

in a labyrinth of tunnels and chambers,

and running away from
flesh eating zombies,

and Kevin was really scared

because they were almost out of smokes.

- I tell ya what we gotta do boy,

we gotta find that room where
they keep all them weapons.

We gotta have some g*ns and we'll sh**t

all them as*h*le zombies,
especially that guy with no teeth.

He really pushes my f*cking buttons.

[loud footsteps]

- In here, boy.

[sniffing]

- Two of them, a boy and a man.

They're afraid.

One of them's fat.

[loud farting]

- Holy sh*t, I think there's
a f*cking dragon out there.

- I've got you now.

Hmm. Nobody told me there
was going to be a party.

[gibberish]

- What?!

- He said, we like you so much that

we're gonna have you for dinner.

Relax Alex, I'm not gonna
tell him about the head thing.

- Flesh eating zombies, well, well, well.

Looks like Vern here is gonna have himself

a good old fashion monster fight.

Don't worry my friend, I'm well
versed in the law of zombie.

You and your kind are no
strangers to this man.

I know all too well what
it takes to k*ll a zombie.

- Sure you do, pal.

Why don't you prove it then?

- Let's get one thing straight, fellas.

You're the heat rash between
the scrotum and the thigh,

and I'm the zinc oxide cream.

- You may k*ll some of us but

you don't have enough
b*ll*ts to k*ll all of us.

You will lose, we have you surrounded.

- You mean the guys behind
me, the more the merrier,

that's my motto, but understand this,

if it is my time, Vern ain't going alone.

Welcome to my house, boys.

Damn it.

[g*n shots]

- Looks like your luck just ran out, Vern.

- Yes, well, there's more than
one way to skin a cat, amigo.

See you in hell, pal.

[farting]

- Ah sh*t, it's the dragon.

- I'm not a dragon.

My name is Vernon Shallabois.

- You ain't one of them zombies, is ya?

- No, fat man, I'm just
a simple moose hunter.

You did well to hide in this room.

Not locking the door wasn't very smart,

but at least you picked the right room.

- We just opened the first
f*cking door that was unlocked.

Me and the boy can't run too far

on account of our heart attacks.

- Heart attacks?

In a boy this young, it's
a cruel, cruel world.

Sometimes I'll never understand it.

Was he born with a frail heart?

- No, he just smokes too
f*cking much for a kid his age.

- Wait a minute, do you smell that?

- Look, I was scared okay,
I couldn't control it.

- No.

g*n powder.

Ammunition.

- One of them zombies said
there was a room around here,

full of g*ns.

- Hello, ladies.

What do you say?

You boys in the mood for a zombie hunt?

- Here they are.

- It's about time, Michael.

- [giggles] They were in my coat.

I haven't needed the
things in 30 g*dd*mn years.

- Just unlock the door and
don't think for a minute,

this isn't going in my report.

[expl*si*n]

- You know, I always thought the

weapons room was down a few.

- Well, live and learn.

- [Luke] Unless you're Michael.

[laughing]

- Listen to them.

Cold, remorseless, taking joy in the

death and misery of a comrade.

If we want to get out here in one piece,

we would do well to learn from their--

[screaming]

[crying]

- Sorry, I thought the
f*cking safety was on.

- [Luke] Gentlemen.

You have fought a good fight.

I respect that, I have
a proposition for you.

Join us on the dark side.

Eternal life awaits you.

If not, we will simply wait here for you

to die of starvation.

- Give us a minute.

Gather 'round, men.

The one they call Luke is right.

To stay here is certain death.

If we are to survive, we
must fight our way out.

I have a plan, but first I
have to stop this bleeding.

- You look real cool, just like

them guys you always see in the movies.

I'm gonna take my shirt off too.

[eerie music]

- I got 40 bucks says
they don't go for it.

- Deal.

- What the hell are you doing?

Here, have all my money, moron.

There's no where to spend
it down here, stupid.

Jesus, of all of the guys to

get stuck spending eternity with.

- [Vern] Luke, we've talked
it over and decided that

eternity as a zombie is better
than nothing, so come on in.

- It could be a trick.

- I don't think so, open the door.

- Oh, that's just perfect.

[g*nshots]

- We're gonna make it, boys.

Just keep pushing.

[expl*si*n]

[g*nshots]

- Hard left, boys.

[suspenseful music]

You're good soldiers, you should be proud.

- Let's just get the f*ck out of here.

I still got time to catch Miss
Nude Cornwall's last show.

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
want to spoil everything,

but he figured it was
high time someone told

the soldier and his fat
b*stard of an old man,

that they were still
trapped in the chamber.

- The innocence of youth.

Hang onto it son, with
your last dying breath.

The world, well, the world
can be a cruel mistress.

Your father and I, we've seen too much,

lived too much, not to be jaded.

You too, will one day, walk among us.

Treat every moment of
life until then as sacred.

I'll go first.

[triumphant music]

- A little bit further,
Vern, almost there.

Keep going.

My feet ain't all the way out.

[grunting]

- Smell the freedom, brother.

- [Narrator] Kevin was surprised that

Vern was strong enough to pull his father

all the way out of the chamber.

He was also very sad.

- I brung a chair so's
you can rest your leg.

Come on, let's get the f*ck out of here.

- Not yet, we still have work to do.

Not all of them are dead.

We must finish what we started
for the good of mankind.

- f*ck mankind, I ain't
going back in there, as*h*le.

You can go screw yourself.

[laughing]

- No, my fat friend.

We won't be going back in there,

but we must make sure
they don't come out here.

We will reseal this vault of the damned

and curse them to eternity
buried beneath our fair city.

- Cool, expl*sives.

Let me have some, let me have some.

- You, can light the fuse.

Sweet dreams, gentlemen.

[farting]

- Good one, Vern.

[screaming]

[expl*si*n]

[energetic rock and roll music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Vern] There is no nobility in this.