02x17 - Dreamland

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Narrator] It was three
o'clock in the morning

and Kevin was bored.

He and Allen had been drinking

with Kevin's parents since noon.

But mom and dad had both gone to bed early

because they had a meeting
first thing in the morning

with a lady from social services.

The lady was going to
determine if they were

fit enough parents to prevent Kevin

from being placed in foster care.

Kevin's parents wanted
to make a good impression

because they didn't want to
lose the extra welfare money

they got for having a dependent.

- [TV Host] An exclusive product
that we're offering to you.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Patterson's
Playhouse Theater presents

Oh That Lewis!

[audience applauding]

[light music]

[yelling]

- So, that's where I left it.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, that Lewis!

[audience laughing]

- I think it needs more sugar.

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

- f*ck off!

[snoring]

- This sucks, I'm going
downtown to get a wh*re.

[ominous music]

- [Narrator] We now
return to Oh That Lewis!

[upbeat music]

- Those darn Toronto
Maple Leafs lost again.

[audience laughing]

- I'm afraid I don't know what that means.

You men and your sports
talk just confuse me.

[audience laughing]

- Uh-oh, I smell smoke.

Did you burn the pot roast again?

[audience laughing]

- Oh that Lewis!

- I was wondering where I'd left that.

[audience laughing]

[ominous music]

- [TV Host] And that
concludes our program today.

[upbeat music]

♪ Oh, that Kevin ♪

♪ That pesky Kevin, he's
not the one to really care ♪

♪ Meet his parents, Anna and Percy ♪

♪ It's so nice to be on welfare ♪

♪ And then there is the
goose, who's name is Allen ♪

♪ He hangs around Kevin ♪

♪ He's so pathetic ♪

♪ Oh that Kevin, that nasty Kevin ♪

♪ He's really gonna get in trouble ♪

[yelling]

♪ Oh, that Kevin ♪

[audience laughing]

[light music]

- Sorry, Kevin.

Five hundred dollars?

We could each get a new bike
and have enough left over

to eat chocolate fudge
sundaes every day of the week.

[audience laughing]

- Shut the f*ck up goose.

[audience laughing]

You're gonna help me build a car alright,

and I'm gonna win the race,
but I ain't sharing the prize.

- Aw, but Kevin that's not fair.

- Or, I could just fill
your a*s full of stuffing

and cook you for Sunday dinner.

[audience laughing]

- Uh-oh, where's the toolbox?

[audience laughing]

- Hey guys, check it out.

Looks like Spencer and
his stupid duck friend are

thinking about entering
the soap box derby.

You may as well forget about it, Spencer.

I win every year.

- I'm a goose, as*h*le.

[audience laughing]

- Swearing's a sin.

You're going to H E double hockey sticks.

I'm gonna tell my mother.

- My dad has pictures
of your mother naked.

I've seen them, so have all his friends.

[audience laughing]

- That's not true.

- Yes it is.

Even though your parents are married,

your mother still sleeps with other men.

- Some of those men take pictures of her.

I've seen those pictures.

[crying]

- Keep running, cry baby.

[audience laughing]

- You're mean, Kevin Spencer.

Nobody likes you.

- The approval of you and your
friends means nothing to me.

You've won your last race, Benson.

I will destroy you and feed my soul

with your pain and humiliation.

[audience laughing]

- Come on, Laura.

Let's go see if Willy's all right.

- Boy, you really told them.

Hey Kevin, I just thought of something.

Where are you gonna get a soapbox racer?

The race is in three days.

- You and I are gonna build one.

You're gonna do most of
the work while I supervise.

- But that's not fair.

- Life isn't fair, Allen.

The hierarchy of power
dictates that in any endeavor,

the one who holds the most
power does the least work

while retaining the highest benefit.

[audience laughing]

- That sounds like a dictatorship.

- Society is nothing
more than a collection of

small dictatorships, each
one controlled by a larger,

more powerful dictatorship.

- Then there must be
a dictatorship that is

the most powerful and runs them all.

Who runs that one, Kevin?

- Kenny G.

[audience laughs]

- So that's why he's allowed
to keep putting out records.

- Yes, for the time being,
but soon I will destroy him

and assume my rightful
position as supreme dictator.

[audience applauding]

- Great, what do we do until then?

- I'm gonna have a few
smokes and sniff some paint.

You go find some stuff
to make the car out of.

- Oh that Kevin.

[upbeat music]

- [Kevin] Get your
f*cking a*s in gear, bird.

[light music]

[snoring]

[flames roaring]

- Oh!

[flames roaring]

[flames roaring]

[flames roaring]

What the f*ck?

- Quit g*dd*mn screaming, as*h*le.

- Look at me, ma, I'm a flamethrower.

[yelling]

- [coughs] Jesus H., Percy.

You almost burned my
whole g*dd*mn head off.

- Must be the rubbing alcohol.

- sh**t the boy, sh**t the boy.

[light music]

[air blowing]

- It ain't working no more.

- Ah, sh*t.

Well, I suppose we could
just set the couch on fire,

but that ain't gonna be near as much fun.

- Beats doing nothing.

Quiet, I think he's up.

[light music]

[banging]

- Oh, sh*t.

Hey, sleepyhead.

Me and your old man was
just going up to bed.

Don't stay up too late.

You's got school sometime this week.

[light music]

- See the trick is to make
him think you's on his side.

Then, when he least expects it--

- Jesus, Anastasia.

I didn't think the fat b*stard
was ever gonna pass out.

I hope you don't mind
me starting without you.

What's wrong, sugarplum?

[man screaming]

- It's a f*cking dead man, bud.

[screaming]

[g*n firing]

[yelling]

[horse neighing]

[g*n firing]

[light music]

[g*n firing]

- Hey, Kevin, I'm all done.

- Well let's go have a
look and see how you did.

- You're gonna be real happy, Kevin.

I did everything just like you told me to.

- First of all, I'm
incapable of feeling emotion.

So being happy is impossible.

Secondly, I'll be the judge of whether

or not you did everything
just like I told you,

and mark my words, if you haven't,

I will snap your scrawny
neck like a thin, dry, twig.

- Oh that Kevin.

- [Kevin] Hurry up, bird.

[g*n firing]

- Well, what do you think, Kevin?

- What the hell were you thinking, bird?

- I tried my best, but I
ain't got opposable thumbs.

You need thumbs to work the tools.

- The only tool that's gonna
get worked around here is you.

- Hang on, Kevin.

Give me another chance.

I'm sure I could do better.

- No, you can't.

It took you two days to
build this chunk of sh*t.

- But if you help me,

I just know we can get this built in time.

- Now that's teamwork.

- Is this your dream, or mine pal?

- Why, it's yours, Kevin.

- Then shut up, arse hole.

Screw building a car.

We'll just steal one and repaint it.

- Wait a minute, Kevin.

Stealing is wrong, Kevin.

- My dream.

[banging]

[light music]

- Hey, if you can do that,

why don't you just dream up a car?

- [Narrator] We now return
to late-night cinema erotica.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[sensual music]

- Well hello, ladies.

- Hello Captain.

Boy do I ever like your c*ck.

- The feeling's mutual, baby.

- I can't wait until we get to Hawaii.

I just bought a brand new bikini.

Would you like to see it?

- Sweet baby, sweet.

[glass shattering]

- Oh darn, I better take off my shirt now.

- Since I don't want
you to be uncomfortable,

I will take my shirt off as well,

so you will be more comfortable.

- Buckle up, baby.

You're about to experience
some turbulence.

- [Blonde Flight Attendant]
Oh, do that again.

- [Pilot] Sweet baby, sweet.

- Come on, Allen, the race is tomorrow.

We still have to check into the hotel

and find a car to steal.

- Stealing is wrong, Kevin.

- Oh that--

[banging]

- Thanks for flying with Cinema Erotica.

Do come again.

- I know I will.

- I don't get it.

- It's a double-entendre,
not a very good one.

- You tell him, Kevin.

- Shut up, as*h*le.

Go get the luggage and
meet me at the hotel.

I'll be waiting in the bar.

- What are you going to do
with the prize money, Timmy?

- Are you going to help feed

and educate the disadvantaged people?

- Yes, yes I am.

- You'll do no such thing, Timmy Benson.

- Spencer!

- How's it going you heinous misanthrope?

- What's that mean?

- Get your head out of
your a*s and read a book.

- What do you want, Spencer?

- Just to remind you that your

pathetic reign as champion is over.

I'll win this race and send
you scurrying back home

with your tail between your legs.

Oh hey, speaking of having
things between legs,

here's some pictures for you, Willy.

[sobbing]

- Yeah, keep running, crybaby.

[laughing]

[sultry music]

- Good morning, gentlemen.

How may I service you?

- We're airline pilots and
we're real tired from flying.

- We need a room and a massage.

- We're all booked.

The only rooms left are reserved
for soapbox derby racers.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Not unless you're thinking about

how good I look when I'm f*cking.

- We should enter the soap box derby race,

so we could get a room, and besides,

chicks dig race-car drivers.

- Oh baby, you're a f*cking genius.

[g*nshots firing]

[screaming]

- Hey, Charlie.

- How's it going, Allen?

- Not too shabby, not too shabby.

- Say your prayers, punk.

[clicking]

Ah nut.

- Get ready to eat some lead, fat man.

[laughing]

[g*n firing]

[light music]

- I'll get you the
money, Lucky, I swear it.

Just a couple more days.

- You shouldn't have rolled the dice

if you weren't good for it.

I'll see you in hell, you rat.

[g*n bangs]

[yelling]

[upbeat music]

[heavy breathing]

[police sirens wailing]

- Ah f*ck, cops.

Go get daddy's hitting stick, boy.

[ominous music]

It's in my closet, boy, hurry up!

- [Police Officer] Percy Spencer,

we have you surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

- Kiss my a*s, cops.

You want me, you best come and get me.

[light music]

[snoring]

- I doubled back on the b*stard.

You ain't gonna tell him is you, Kevin?

- Hurry the f*ck up, boy!

- What's all the g*dd*mn yelling about?

Ah, Jesus H., what's the old man done now?

What'd you do now, as*h*le?

- I was trying to k*ll
Charlie, but he runs too fast

for me to keep up, so I quit.

Then I went into some convenience
store to steal some smokes

then the f*cking clerk caught
me and called the cops.

- Did you get the smokes?

- Give me the stick, broken head.

- [Police Officer] You have ten
seconds before we open fire.

Come out with your hands up.

- Where them smokes at?

[light music]

- So you just keep on
keeping on with your gambling

and fellatio, your lasciviousness,
and your libations.

Down at the porn shop, walking
the dog under the bridge,

slow-dancing with Mary.

You just keep on building
them scrotum bridges,

but don't come to me when
your pockets wear out looking

to borrow my keys to unlock
the door to God's house.

A mighty earthquake is gonna
come and it'll rain fire

from the skies, and Jesus
will descend from the Heavens

and destroy all you sinners.

- No sign of Spencer, aye.

I knew he'd be too chicken to show.

- Hey, why are people oohing and aahing?

[upbeat music]

- Yeah, you just keep
running you f*cking crybaby.

[crying]

- Your friend is so predictably Pavlovian

as to make me sick.

- I didn't think you were
going to have the guts to show.

- Wow, look at that car, dad.

- [Announcer] Attention,
all racers to the bandstand.

All racers to the bandstand.

- I'd like to take this opportunity

to welcome all the racers
to today's fine event.

Now, before we get started, I'd
just like to recap the rules

in case any of you forgot,
or were too busy listening

to the devil and putting up titty curtains

over top of your common sense.

- Man, I wouldn't mind
me some titty curtains.

- It's one race, winner takes all,

and I don't want to see no one cheating

or they will be disqualified.

Not just in my eyes, but
in the eyes of the Lord.

Racers, take your marks.

Gentlemen, start your engines as it were

and remember to keep your eyes on the road

and your hands on the wheel,
not on your groinal area.

On your marks, get set--

- You dirty rat!

[g*nshots firing]

[intense music]

[exploding]

[yelling]

[ominous music]

- That'll learn you, you bunch of idiots.

[banging]

[light music]

[doorbell ringing]

- Hey boy!

That'll be the lady from social services,

so you better behave.

[upbeat music]

- Hello?

Oh my.

- Hi, I'm Anastasia Spencer.

This here's the boy.

- The boy?

I presume he has a name.

- Kevin W. Spencer.

- And what's the W stand for?

- Jeez, its been so long I don't remember.

- Kevin, do you know
what the W stands for?

- He don't talk none.

- He's a shy little fellow.

- No, I mean he don't talk none at all.

At first, we figured he
must have a medical problem,

but the doctor says it's on
account of his head don't work.

He thinks there's a ghost living in it.

So you ain't gonna cut off my--

I mean, the boy's money, is ya?

- I'll make that decision after

I complete a thorough evaluation.

Now, is there somewhere I can sit down

without catching something?

- Well ain't you the f*cking hoity-toity.

Don't no one usually sit on a table.

Except sometimes Percy
when he's had a few.

Oh, I mean is tired from working.

[light music]

- According to our files,

your husband hasn't had
a job since, well, ever.

- He's got a condition that
prevents him from working.

- What's that?

- No job skills.

[laughing]

Geez, lighten up lady.

It was just a joke.

- I don't take the welfare
of a child lightly.

So am I right in assuming that neither you

or your husband is gainfully employed?

- We's both in the process of looking.

- I also have Kevin's school
attendance record here,

and I don't mind telling you
that I'm a little shocked.

According to this, Kevin has missed most

of the last three years of school.

- But that ain't all my fault.

At least half the time
the boy was suspended

and they wouldn't let him go.

And then, one of the teachers

got a restraining order against him.

So, he couldn't be within


- How charming.

[upbeat music]

[bell ringing]

- Those smell delicious.

[audience laughing]

- Hm.

- What's the matter, honey?

- I'm worried about Lewis.

[audience laughing]

- Why, what's wrong?

- He just seems so forgetful.

His grades are slipping too,

and I got a call from the
principal just this morning.

Apparently, Lewis is
being disruptive in class.

- Disruptive?

How?

Is he giving sass to people?

- No, it's just that, well, I'm not sure.

Just that he has trouble
concentrating and staying focused.

- What should we do?

- He's my son and no matter
what, I'll always love him.

I only want what's best for him,

so I'm going to buy him the
best help money can buy.

[audience laughing]

- Do you mean?

- Yes, electroshock therapy
and six months in a sanitarium.

[audience laughing]

[birds chirping]

- You know something, you
really are a great father.

- Hey champ, how was the game?

- Have a seat, Lewis.

Your mom and I would like to talk to you.

Mom, dad, and science are
going to help you get better.

[audience applauding]

- Ah, the good old days.

[upbeat music]

♪Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Pastor] You just keep on
building them scrotum bridges.