03x05 - Festival of Flowers

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Laughs]

[piano music]

[gulping]

You look rough, Percy,

you coming down off something?

I wish.

Freaking allergies.

Why the hell is the bar
all covered in flowers?

The one eyed guy finally die of cirrhosis?

It's the Festival of Flowers.

Same as every year.

Oh, well, that's just freaking great.

Festival.

[gulping]
[upbeat music]

[belches]

What's with this f*cking city?

Seems every day there's another

stupid festival for something.

Don't it just piss you off?

I think I just k*lled
someone by accident.

My God, my God, I didn't mean to.

They got that Winterland Fest,

Franco Fest, Spring-o-rama, Canada Day,

and now this freaking
Festival of f*cking flowers.

What's next, the festival of my arse?

[laughs]

Your arse, good one, Percy.

He was biking on the
wrong side of the road.

Maybe I should go back
there or phone the police.

For Christ's sake, you wanna shut up?

I'm trying to say something here.

[spits]

Festival's bringing in tourists,

it's good for industry.

I suppose.

I guess tourists make the best suckers.

What do you think?

What?

I don't know, I'm not from around here.

See, dumb f*cking tourist,

doesn't even know what's going on here.

We'll, I'm out of here.

Gotta hand it to that Percy,

he's one fat, drunk b*stard.

[eerie music]
[insects chirping]

Whoa, the old spooky house burned down.

Only place I was too afraid to break into.

I'll have to check it out tomorrow.

and see if there's anything I can sell.

Yeah, tomorrow, that's
the first thing I'll do.

[eerie music]

[buzzing]
[eerie music]

Hornets nest, well, that's
just f*cking perfect.

Oh, God damn it.

[screams]

[smacks]
[cries out]

[door bangs]

Hey, boy, there's a
hornet's nest in the yard.

Get rid of it.

I don't feel like getting stung every.

What you doing with all that sh*t?

Narrator: Kevin told
Percy that he had given up

on the idea of trying to make friends

with kids his own age.

Instead, he figured he could

make himself a friend out of spare parts.

A robotic friend,
incorporating various aspects

of artificial intelligence,

binary driven condition
response switchers,

and some kick a*s pin stripes.

Yeah, I guess you'd have to
build a friend, wouldn't you?

[laughs]
[bouncy music]

All your other ones are nuts

or in jail or imaginary.

It's not my fault you're a loser,

so forget all that sh*t.

Get rid of the hornet's nest.

Else you can build yourself a
new house out of spare parts.

[sinister music]
[laughing]

[banging]
[buzzing]

[bouncy music]

Holy frick, Purple Digit,

my favorite 70s band is
coming to the Flower Festival.

Couldn't do it, figures.

Now let me show you how a big, drunk man

gets rid of a hornet's nest, boy.

Little wimp to afraid to
face the trials of nature.

[suspenseful music]

[lock clicks]

[ominous music]
[buzzing]

[g*nsh*t firing]

Uh-oh.

[whooshing]
[dramatic music]

Hey, open the f*cking door.

[screams]
[handle rattling]

[banging]
[dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that he was cutting out for a few hours,

but that he wouldn't be home too late,

and to tell mom not to worry.

Sweet Jesus.

[g*nsh*t firing]

[dramatic music]

[glass shattering]

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin decided
to explore the remains

of the old spooky house

before the old man got
his choice pickings.

[insects chirping]
[eerie music]

They call it the old spooky house

because there used to be

this really slow kid who lived there.

[coughing]

I still remember him,

sitting on the street corner,

waving at cars.

I wanna ride in an airplane.

[sniffs]

I wanna ride in an airplane.

Then he got really sick and died.

The family abandoned the place

and it's been the spooky
house every since.

Maybe we should've
been friends with him.

We aren't even friends with this dork

and he gives us smokes.

[laughs]

[coughs]

[laughs]

[eerie music]

[beeping]
[dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin had
found the old wheel chair

belonging to the slow kid.

He thought it was pretty neat,

especially since electric
wheel chair batteries

had at least a four hour sustaining charge

which is real handy when

you're building a new electronic friend.

[dramatic music]
[laughing]

[upbeat music]

Hey what the hell you think

you're doing parking on my lawn?

We're in town for the Flower Festival,

we're only staying a few hours.

Will 40 dollars do?

For 40 dollars you can
park on my f*cking grave.

Narrator: Pretty soon ma was turning

a sweet profit from festival visitors.

But her front office skills
left a bit to be desired.


exorbitant for an hour of parking.

Take it or leave it, the
Henderson's down the street

are charging 30 bucks an hour

for spots on their bonsai garden.

[dramatic music]

[chuckles]

Thanks sucker.

[dramatic music]

[thuds]
[clatters]

Jesus that's smarts.

[groans]

[applauding]

On behalf of the association

of insurance investigators
in law enforcement

I'd like to present this
years life time achievement

award for best on camera performance

to a man I've had the honor
of arresting many times.

Percy Spencer.

[cheering]
[applauding]

Let's watch as he tried to steal

this special police sting vehicle.

The cars engine is rigged
to seize on command.

[sirens blaring]
Fricking door blocked,

I can't get out.

Freeze loser.

If only I'd known

this was gonna happen before it happened.

Somehow I wouldn't be in this mess.

[dramatic music]

[groans]

What happened to you?

I just got hit in
the head with a hubcap.

[laughs]

Well now you went

and made me laugh my milk through my nose.

Milk?

What are you even doing in the
same room as a glass of milk?

There's a contest on TV
said you can win a truck

if you phone in the sound
you make while drinking milk.

[dramatic music]

Hi I'm Percy and this is the
sound of me drinking milk.

[gulps]

f*ck, it's been a while since
I drank this stuff, hang on.

[burps]

How long has this sh*t been in the fridge?

Ah f*ck it, I'll just steal a truck.

Don't do it Percy, I had a vision.

I'm not sure but I think if you try

and steal anything you'll get caught.

Frankly my dear,

I couldn't give a God
damn sh*t what you think.

[dramatic music]

Ah suit yourself as*h*le.

TV: Tonight on Movies For Lovers

it's our whoring wife
double feature night.

Two literary mile stones that show women

what happens when they look
for love outside of marriage.

Gee I wonder if I'm psychic,

maybe I can make some money out of this.

TV: Gustav Flober as madam Bovary

and Leo Telstar as Anna Kirinalin.

[screams]

Adulteress women suffer agonizing

death in tonight's Movies For Lovers.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin was still
building his new friend

and had just gotten some sweet plans

from the school library.

A robot?

Well there are various simple
crude robot designs available.

Most are considered
university level though,

well beyond your puny brain little man.

[dramatic music]

That, that's a discarded government

blueprint for a Mars lander.

They decided it was impractical.

[dramatic music]

[chuckles]

Narrator: Putting his new
mechanical friend together

was getting to be hard work
so he decided to take a break.

[beeping]
[upbeat music]

Hey broken head, I guess you noticed

that there is no batteries in this game.

[laughs]

[eerie music]

Scared of ghosts Kevin?

That's my chair.

My chair can do tricks, get in.

Narrator: Kevin discovered
that the video game

had been possessed by the
spirit of the dead kid.

[upbeat music]

Ghost: My chair can find stuff, whee.

Narrator: It was true, the chair

had a gift for finding things.

Most of them dead.

That's Mr. Biscuit, now
he's dead so he's my friend.

[upbeat music]
[engine rumbles]

[chuckling]

That's Mr. Hammond's house,
he's been dead for three months.

But he doesn't have any
friends so no one notices.

And that's my friend Todd, he's
got runned over by somebody.

Everyone thinks he's dead

but he's actually only just about dead.

[upbeat music]
[engine rumbles]

[upbeat music]

Arrested on charges
of attempting to steal

a police sting vehicle, Mr. Percy Spencer.

How's the family Percy?

Wife told me I'd get arrested,

why don't I ever listen to
that stupid fat pig anyways?

Due to prison over crowding

and your public defenders grasp

of entrapment laws we're
releasing you on bail.

You'll be wearing a parol collar.

From now on if you leave your
property we'll know about it.

But my favorite bands coming
to the festival of flowers.

You cannot leave your property.

What if the house is on fire,

or there's a chemical leak, or something?

Next case.
[gavel bangs]

[upbeat music]

Hey, where ya been the last three days?

I got busted stealing
a car just like you said,

are you happy now?

Now I'm not allowed to leave the house

so go get me some liquor.

Then it's true, I really am psychic.

That's right, so go get us a newspaper

to on your way to the liquor store.

I can use you for betting on stuff.

No betting Percy, I'm not
letting you screw up my gift

like you screwed up
everything else in our lives.

We can win money.

I know but I's gonna do it legal like.

I got me my own psychic cable
show on the community channel.

TV: You're watching
the Community Channel.

We make quality community programing

because the government forces us to.

Coming up next, four more
hours of city council live.

And don't forget to tune in
next week for Stark Fetch,

the Psychic Skank.

Caller: Hello, Psychic Skank?

I think, I think my
boyfriends having a affair.

With a man, my step father.

Whoa that sounds pretty heavy,

I should warn my viewers that I can only

have my visions when I'm unconscious.

So let me just chug this
bottle and I'll get back to ya.

[gulps]

[thuds]

TV: Don't forget, the Psychic Skank

will be appearing live at the
Flower Festival this weekend.

Let a strange White Tr*sh woman

tell you how to run your life.

[dramatic music]
[heavy breathing]

[dramatic music]

[screaming]
[dramatic music]

It's the end of the world,
it's the end of the world!

This is horrible, a giant
spider, it's eating everything!

That's terrifying.

Hey, where the hell is everybody?

Show ended and hour ago.

Jeez, but I was only
passed out a little spell.

Hey you still won your time slot.

[foot steps]

Man: Check, check,
one, two, one, two, check.

Check, one two, check, check.

Jesus, I can hear them
doing their sound check.

God damn it, I gotta
get out of this house.

Maybe I can short this thing out.

[shatters]

[dramatic chord]

[dramatic chord]

[dramatic chord]

Sweet Jesus.

[sighs]

That did it, that f*cked it up.

I'm breaking outta here.

Purple Digit forever.

[thuds]

Narrator: Kevin's new robot
was working out really neat.

It could sense light and always
move towards a heat source.

This caused random patterns

to conjoin into repeated behavior.

He figured eventually his
robot would have a personality

which is more than he'd ever known.

[chuckles]

That's when something went really wrong.

[mechanical whirring]

[chuckles]

I wanna play, I wanna play.

I wanna play.

[dramatic music]

[laughing]

I wanna play, I wanna play, I wanna play.

[clattering]
[dramatic music]

Hey Percy, how'd you
escape the house arrest?

Shorted out the collar with a lamp.

First rounds on me baby,

I've been telling fortunes all day.

Just let me drop a leak in the ladies.

Holy sh*t she's wasted.

She's heading for the men's room.

Yeah, at least they let's
us bring proper bathrooms here.

Everyone else gets stuck in the go huts.

Narrator: Percy liked
hanging out in beer tents

because whenever some drunk started

a fight it lasted a really long time

on account of all the
furniture being plastic.

[laughs]

Out drinking hey Spencer?

You're breaking your probation.

[laughs]

I wasn't drinking.

Oh yeah, then what are you doing here?

I must have been sleep walking.

Sleep walking?

Then why aren't you in your pajamas?

Pajamas?

[laughs]

I'm sorry, don't know any
grown ups that wear pajamas.

It's true, he's had the
same outfit on for a month.

Hey, when they put these
things in the ladies room?

Look I can prove I was sleep walking

on account I always do when I'm drinking.

I thought you said
you weren't drinking?

I, uh.

[splashing]
[gentle music]

Finally we get the
convenience of standing up.

[sighs]

[shatters]

Holy sh*t that sounded like

Ma's head hitting the porcelain.

Told her to go easy on the
gin it's a rough hangover.

Ma speak to me.

wait, she's got a urinal
puck in her mouth.

[pops]

Okay now speak to me.

Oh Percy, I got a weird feeling

like I lost my gift or something.

I don't think I can
see the future no more.

Really?

Well that's just fricking great.

Hm.

Cop: Come back here.

[shatters]

And we're back with the latest coverage

of the Flower Festival parade.

Here's the corporate float
from Suntech Macrosystem.

It's followed by the float
from generic public school.

Behind them it's the marching band

from Cranbrook Teen Reformatory.

Ready, set, we're outta here.

And what do we have here?

It must be one of the armature entries

they encourage each year.

[cheering]

And I think the judge is presenting

the young man first prize
in the float competition.

[cheering]

Hey kid, this is big news.

We're putting you on the front page.

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

Does your husband know
you's having an affair?

My husband died three years ago.

Jeez you gotta forgive me.

I think I lost my gift when I

smacked my head against the pisser.

Charming.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.

Hey what hell's that racket?

You'll scare the customers.

Announcer: They're old but
you love them, Purple Digit's!

[cheering]

All right I finally
get to see Purple Digits.

We love playing concerts here!

[cries out]

[cheering]

Probably the only concert
they play in five years.

Give me a fricking break.

These guys are easily
as famous as Dropper,

who woulda been big until that scandal.

The members of Purple
Digit broke up yesterday

after a scandal was revealed.

Bassist Dougie Holmes was captured

in a Santiago motel room with
a girl over 18 years of age.

Hey man, we don't want any trouble.

Shut up, here comes Big Als drum solo.

[rock music]
[cheering]

[cheering]
[heavy breathing]

[rock music]
[cheering]

[heavy breathing]

Big Al's still got it folks.

♪ Danger yes it's all around you ♪

♪ Danger yes it's all around you ♪

♪ Danger yeah it's right behind you ♪

♪ So don't turn back
it's always after you ♪

♪ Danger yes it's all around you ♪

♪ Danger there's ♪

Oh my God.

The monster seems to be hypnotized

by this classic rock music.

Did I miss the second set?

[screaming]

Someone should do something!

We'll do something, nobody scares us.

We're concert security.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]
[banging]

[dramatic music]
[mechanical whirring]

Narrator: No one
ever found the creature.

And it took a permanent
residence in the sewers.

It became known as Kevin's crab

which was pretty lame

since as far as friends
turned out, this one sucked.

The only time it ever
showed up was feeding time.

Woman: And now, the happy ending.

I'd like to turn myself
in for vehicular manslaughter

and leaving the scene of an accident.

You mean the cyclist?

It's okay, he lived.

[laughs]
[rumbling]

[dramatic music]
[screams]

[beeping]

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer. ♪

♪ Somethings wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Man: Gotta hand it to that Percy,

he's one fat drunk b*stard.

[dramatic chord]