04x01 - Bingo

[bunniefuu]

[whistling]

[tires screeching]
[car crashing]

[upbeat show music]

[glass smashing]

[upbeat casual music]

All right, Mr. Spencer,
just say, "Drinking

"and driving is wrong
because of the horrible

"toll on lives and injuries".

Then I'm free to go right?

No more community service [laughing].

Yes, yes, yes, 'till next time.

Rolling and.

I'm Percy Spencer,
don't drink and drive

because it causes a
lot of damage and sh*t.

Look what I done to this orphanage.

Lucky for them, they'll probably put them

out in the streets, I
might have hurt someone.

[suspense jingle]

Okay, so, don't do it 'cause you might

get caught like me and then you're f*cked.

Cut, Mr. Spencer, just
read the teleprompter.

Read?

No one said sh*t about reading nothing.

[handcuffs clinking]

[sighs] Okay, could you at least

stop swearing, please?

Swearing?

sh*t?

Oh sh*t, yeah.

Rolling, action.

This is Percy Spencer
saying don't drink

and drive, just drink [gulping].

Advert Narrator: This
message brought to you

by the National Association

of Brewers and Distillers.

Am I free to go now?

Yes.

Sooner the better, please.

All right, danger,
just right behind you.

Danger, it's always after you.

Danger, yes!

Oh, god, not that f*cking song.

[smacking floor]

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Tonight on Real Video.

Watch as this helpless sky diver's

parachute doesn't open.

[intense music]

[screaming]

Narrator: Then, the
crowd gasps in horror

as the emergency chute also fails.

What will happen next?

Oh no, he's collided with
a passing head glider

and now both are spinning out of control.

Now, they've landed
right on top of a hot air

balloon and a passing family of geese

also, become helplessly ensnared

in the maelstrom.

What the f*ck is a maelstrom?

More importantly, what
the hell is this piece

of paper under my beer?

Oh right, it's cheque day.

Boy, when your daddy gets home

we'll cash uncle Mike's pension cheque

and go to that bingo.

We ain't had a family night out since

that chemical truck jack night, and they

have evacuated everybody
in the neighborhood.

Narrator: Kevin, said
he thought uncle Mike

had died in a horrible
snowmobiling accident.

Yeah, but the checks keep coming.

What the government don't know,

won't hurt 'em, and it's sure is friggin'

ain't hiding in us either.

Narrator: Whenever
a member of the Spencer

family died, the government didn't tend

to find out about it for a very long time.

On account of Percy and Anastasia,

never been once they shy away

from a cheque-kiting scam.

[relaxed drum music]

I might say it yet die at perverts

Hector the younger, son Spencer.

I'm here to cash my old-age

pension on account I'm so old.

[keyboard tapping]

Sir, there's a red
flag on your account.

It says here your benefit

should have been cutoff after you died.

A 195 years ago from a rare condition

known as the Battle of Waterloo.

I got better.

Your benefits are cutoff,

whoever you really are.

Jesus Christ, I gotta get something out

of this, what about the
cost of disposing a body?

Sir, if the claimant
died that long ago,

I strongly doubt you really
disposed of the body.

I'm talking about yours, prick.

I can go--

[glass banging]

[glass shattering]

Hey, knock it off you
idiotic welfare case.

[laughing] what a freak.

Hey Dave, check this out.

Oh, that guy, don't worry,

he'll get tired in a half hour or so.

[glass screeching]

What the hell's up with the TV?

[metal screeching]

Narrator: What were those bungee

jumpers thinking?

That's better.

[screaming]
[water splashing]

Leeches?

Oh my God, leeches!

[suspense music]

Percy: Danger, that's right behind you.

Hey, I think I hear
Percy, and if he sings

that freaking song one more time,

I'm going to the bingo alone.

[door opening]

Danger, yeah it's always after you.

[glass shattering]

Twit, f*ck you nearly
nail the old bam boy.

So, it's a bottle of fight you're looking

for, you're going down
m*dget, it's show time.

Hey Percy, I've been thinking

we should go to the bingo.

Yeah, oh, God, yeah, I would feel like

celebrating my community service.

Let's get wasted and take the car

over to the bingo.

[groans] I know a
shortcut past the orphanage.

[beating smacks]

What car?

Oh yeah.

[beating]

[slow upbeat music]

Percy, wake up, we
made it to the bingo.

I hope they still got that one-eyed

bingo caller, that guy cracked me up

'cause he never knows what he's looking

at, and why'd we bring the rotten boy?

Narrator: That's when Percy remembered

how he been knocked
unconscious in the first

place and got pretty pissed off.

You're gonna get yours b*stard,

wait 'till I get my hands on you.

Hey, you, you leave Kevin alone.

He just needs to go let off some steam

in Laser-tag, you go have fun

sh**ting at your friends, boy.

[playful music]

Okay, kid, here's
your ultronaut helmet,

your sensor belt, your hip counter,

ah well, we're out of
Laser-tag r*fles, kid,

so I'll just tape this flashlight

to a broom for you, okay?

Off you go.

Hey Cap, what's this week prize

for a highest k*ll ratio?

Same as always, free
passes to the Movieplex.

We'll be back for the prize in an hour.

Good for you.

Hey Cap!

Hey Jimmy, how are
things at the pawnshop?

Pretty good, thanks for letting

me bring my own equipment in.

No problem, just make sure you tell me

when all the Sailor
Moon porn comes in, huh?

Still waiting at customs, I'll get

back to you next week.

[laser sh**ting]

[paintball g*n sh**ting]

Hey Spencer, pretty sorry excuse for a tag

r*fle they stuck you with there.

Spencer: Kevin told Jimmy he

was feeling ripped off.

Ah, the whole place
is a rip-off, Spencer.

During the day this place is a used

mattress warehouse for the Goodwill.

They just used it for this at night.

Hey listen, brooms are for witches,

you should drop by the pawn shop sometime.

I got lot of these paintball r*fles,

check it out.

[paintball g*n sh**ting]

Look, the paint ba*ls are blue, cool!

[suspense music]

[evil laughing]

That's right folks,
we're playing bingo.

A dollar a play, a dollar a win.

Get your cards in now,
for your chance to win

today's monster jackpot bonus prize.

I thought you said this lampshade

was the monster jackpot bonus prize.

That was the monster prize,

this is the monster jackpot bonus prize.

Soon to be followed by the monster super

jackpot bonus special bonanza.

But first, ladies and gentleman tonight

is the one-year anniversary of the loss

of one of our most
treasured bingo players,

this is Myron 'ba*ls' Magindy.

He played for 15 years
here until he passed away.

Let's have a moment of silence for Myron

and the tragic paper cut

which took his life away.

[loud crying]

Why, God, why?

It wasn't even his most silly act,

it's not fair.

Hey, if you wanna moment of silence,

why don't you shut the f*ck up?

B- 33.

B- 33.

N- 27.

N- 27.

[loud coughing]

Bingo, bing.

What's that you say, darling?

[coughing] Bingo!

Fact, fact!

Announcer: We're checking the cards

and I believe we got a bingo!

Come on get your prize ma'am,

it's our monster jackpot
super bonus prize,

a donor organ from
student pro-donor organs.

Remember, half the profits
from each donor organ

goes to putting the student
who donated the organ

through a community college.

The hit the tail with that nice larynx

last year, didn't they, Pearl?

[buzzing]

And now, it's time for
our super monster jackpot

ultra bingo bonus extravaganza.

G- 22.

G- 22.

[upbeat music]

Hey Susie, I'll take a honey-glazed.

G- 22?

B- three, I- 19,

holy frig, it's a bingo!

It's a f*cking bingo!

Hey, over here you b*stard, I won.

Hold on to your card, sir,

and it looks like we got a bingo!

Here you go, sir,
you've won a complimentary

visit to Pornman and Afroman's new salon.

What kind is shitty gift is that?

Every time we come in
here you got this hot

sh*t prizes like, that car stuff

but, no one ever wins that.

Announcer: Well, sir,
this car is our ultra

spectacular superlative hyper-adrenal

white-knuckled stroke-inducing
fantastic beyond

our ability to describe
in words, bonus prize.

It's a f*cking Chevet.

Well, we probably should
give the darn thing away.

As it is the warranty run out 4 years ago,

tell you what, you stay
to the end of the night

and we'll make the last game

a giveaway for the car.

[metal crashing]

Deal, I have to look
at that one eye, anyway.

Please stop doing that.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin enjoyed exploring

the Laser-tag park,
because despite the fact

that it was a big cheap-a*s health risk.

The management had tried to give

each room a different theme.

Like the future room, the western room,

and the Emily Bronte room.

Finally, Kevin found the most mysterious

room of all, the staff change room.

[metal screeching]

[taser buzzing]

[laser sh**ting]

Awesome, we chalked up 28,000 points.

Just 2,000 more and we can win.

Yeah!

I can't wait to get those multiplex

passes, man.

Yeah, then we can fake
our way and do an AA-18

or over movie, or maybe an NC-17.

What's the difference?

NC-17 means you get more of a buzz

of the sex than the violence.

[rock music]

[woos] You are a huge loser.

Narrator: What the bullies didn't know

was that Kevin was already feeling a rush

from all of the insinuated violence.

Now, his natural fight-or-flight

mechanism was being tested,

and fighting seem like less running.

[woos]

Now we'll see whose the king

of the Laser tag.
[taser buzzing]

Hey, where you going?

You can hardly smell that
body anymore, I swear.

What the hell are you talking about?

There's a kid inside
there attacking people.

That's right, that's
what they pay to do.

No, for real, with a stun g*n.

Stun g*n?

That's not the kind of family-approved

fun violence we're trying to endorse here.

Hey, Jimmy.

What's up, Cap?

We've got a rogue tagger.

All right, ladies, here's a map

of the tag facility, the target was last

spotted here lighting a smoke.

Remember to follow that smell,

normally he's just a moron.

But, someone must have short-circuited

his head, 'cause he's dangerous now.

Timmy, you load your
paint g*n with primer,

I'll come in after with the extra coat.

You're giving him two coats of paint.

My God, what color paint
ball should we use, sir?

Crimson Justice.

Crimson Justice?

Crimson, that's serious.

This ain't some game, Mister.

Sure, it is.

Okay, it is but, it isn't.

Whatever, don't confuse me.

B- zero.

Percy, you had this
bingo three numbers ago.

sh*t, that's the thoid bingo you missed,

ain't you paying attention?

It's my friggin' illiteracy again.

I thought you got that looked at?

[harp music]

Reading is fun

because I can read

book and make

friends and no one

can tell me I am ain't worth

nothing no more.

That's very good, Percy, you're writing

is at least to the 6th grade level.

I didn't write it, I
was reading a textbook.

Well, you better pay
attention now, as*h*le,

it's the last game of the night.

Well folks, are you
itching for a good time?

Actually, I'm itching from a good time.

[laughing]

It's been 12 years but tonight

we're giving away the car.

Holy frig, okay, I'm on it.

I'm blowing the rest of the cheque,



I'll dab every f*cking one of them.

And we're off.

[taser buzzing]
[floor smacking]

He's over here.

[paintball g*n sh**ting]

We'll teach you to confuse make-belief

violence with real violence, take this.

[paintball g*n sh**ting]

Narrator: Kevin
figured he better make out

by Gill Marshall Romo during the African

Quartz wrote into broke.

It beat his a*s out of there right quick.

Kevin found another mysterious door,

and thought it might lead to a secret

escape route, he was
right except for the fact

that the detour through adult peep show,

which had just opened on the next block.

Let's hope baby's got back

'cause daddy likes a bit a junk

in the trunk brown sugar, oh yeah.

Let's see the, oh great.

Spencer, well?

This is awkward, by the way you still

have an overdue copy of the big

picture book at Renaissance Poisons.

[suspense music]

What's that racket?

Oh my god!

[g*n sh**ting]
No!

[upbeat music]

[panting]

God dammit, God dammit,
we gotta get that car,

we're gonna pass out, I can't keep up.

It's seems like the longest game

of bingo we've ever called folks.

G-87.

G-87.

[floor smacking]

Hey, look, it's Kevin.

I guess he got tired of playing

with the cops and robbers.

G-87

There he is boys, get 'em!

[crowd screaming]

[painball g*n sh**ting]

[glass shattering]

I- 18.

I- 18, that's bullshit.

You're looking at it backwards,

that's I-81, that's bingo!

I'm sorry sir, it's I-18.

Listen you b*stard, maybe I don't read

too good but I sure f*ck
remember what highway

I've been arrested on,
it's I-81 and I'm leaving

in that f*cking car.

Nevermind that sh*t, look out!

Come on, be unlocked, you stupid car.

Bingo!

[car tires screeching]

Percy, you shouldn't
be driving that car.

Why the f*ck not?

I've been drinking, better get in before

these crazy b*stard paint your a*s, baby.

[car tires screeching]

Hold on, baby.

[glass shattering]

Percy, you're crazy.

Bullshit, we're going through it, Mom,

just like "The Dukes of Hazzard", yee-har.

[glass shattering]

Hey, what about the boy?

Always gonna be
about the kid, don't it?

I'll pop the hatch, hurry
up boy, cops is coming.

[police sirening]

You can't hide Spencer,
I'm gonna, oh sh*t!

He's gotta g*n, sir.

Return fire.

He's not opened fire yet, ma'am.

I don't play by his rules,

he plays by ours, open fire.

[g*ns sh**ting]

Stop sh**ting, stop sh**ting,

I only have a paintball g*n,

it ain't even real.

Real enough for us.

Yeah.

I'm throwing out my weapon,

just stop sh**ting, I surrender.

Stand back, he's throwing
the g*n at us, ma'am.

Return fire immediately, my god,

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

Huh, really?

Well, actually, no, I
really kinda was hoping

it would come to this, are those people

from the Real Video show here yet?

[g*n sh**ting]

[crashing]

[news intro music]

News Reporter: The police have regained

control of the bingo hall and while

there are several injuries many critical,

authorities believe that
because it was a bingo

hall, no one important was hurt.

And, now we're exclusive
interview with the owner

of Balling It Up bingo,
Mr. David Capbamboom.

Sir, when did you first
open this bingo parlor?

Hm, before 0'79.

How many years is that?

Gee, 21.

I think so, I imagine
you looking forward

to a lucrative cash
settlement from the city

for all the damage to your building.

Do you expect tax payers
to take the burden

for the damage done by the police?

Bingo!

[laughing]

♪ Kevin, Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin, Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin, Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin, Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

♪ Bingo ♪