04x02 - Snowfort

[bunniefuu]

[whistling music]

[snowmobile engine humming]

[laughing]

[brakes screeching]

[cars crashing]

[quick upbeat music]

[glass breaks]

[slow lazy music]

[grunting]

[coughing]

[news broadcast music]

It's time for weather,
with our weather guy AJ.

Live from the exciting
parking lot a half block away.

Please let me come in, Chad, please.

No.

Well it's a chilly
winter out there folks.

Scientists suspect this
could be the result

of the North Pole melting
and the earth falling,

into a new ice age.

So bundle up if you're
heading downtown tonight.

We're talking to plow driver Lomax,

who will be helping mop all this up.

How you toughing it out, Lomax?

I love the work AJ.

Wow, I mean great.

I'm just surprised it could be so upbeat,

about such a cold isolating job.

It's pretty common knowledge

that sidewalk plows don't
get breathalyzed AJ.

It's basically a big drunken
go-kart race out here.

[crashing]

Well all the more
reason for the rest of us

to stay off the roads tonight.

Back to the studio.

[news broadcast music]

And now it's time for
everyone's favorite part

of the news, the lotto numbers.

[ominous music]

Today's winning number is six,





Helping yourself to my sh*t
again ain't you you b*stard.

How come you got no lottery tickets,

from the century, woman?

What you do around here all f*cking day?

Ah Christ.

Can't winter be over with already,

I'm going nuts here stuck with you losers.

Shut up!

God damn, I hate you people.

I hate my life, I hate everything.

Where's the f*cking shovel,

I'm gonna go see if I can find a car?

Narrator: Like the rest of his family,

Kevin wasn't what you'd
call a winter person.

It's already socially disturbed character

was aggravated by the lack of sunlight

and isolation caused by intense cold.

Also it was hard to scope out burglaries

and be criminal in general,

when you were freezing your nuts off.

He decided that the safest bet
was to emotionally withdraw

so that he could wander
through mental hallucinations

to cope with the strain.

[harp resonating]

[lightning striking]

Come with me, Kevin,
your crystal palace awaits.

[mystical music]

[gibberish speaking]

The MEC said that your
crystal castle is beautiful.

And now feel the passion of the dance.

[folk dance music]

[giggling]

[harp resonating]

Where the hell were you?

I nearly broke in...

checked in on your house to see
why the mail with piling up.

We spent the long weekend,

skiing at a lovely
chalet in the mountains.

And how have you been enjoying winter?

f*cking snow plow just
filled up the drive again.

Nearly had a stroke
trying to get the car out.

Still can't find the piece of sh*t,

but it gotta be there somewhere.

I get my hands on that...

Oh, jee, now it's the sidewalk plow.

That tears it, showtime.

[dramatic music]

Damn, help, no.

[yelling]

Come here, you little,
you're a dead man.

[thumping]

[yelling]

[plow crashing]

Hey Percy, whenever you're
through embarrassing yourself,

you got a call on a phone, you arsehole.

f*ck' snow, God damn I hate winter.

And I hate you and what the
hell's everyone shouting for?

It's your quarter, prick.

Are you Percy Spencer.

He ain't here, I'll
give him the message, pig.

Sir I'm from the pulp
mill outside of town,

did you once on a snowmobile
with a serial number Y10974.

I lost my snowmobile through
the ice a few months ago.

Why'd you find it?

Should be a sticker on
the front with some chick

in a devil's tail and huge t*ts.

Um, I can't tell, it's obscured

by a bloated purple corpse,
clutching the steering.

Really, is he wearing a candy cane too?

That's Uncle Mike.

He was on it when it went through the ice.

Yeah the rivers current,

often pushes the debris
into our filtering system.

I told him it wasn't cold enough.

Dumb f*ck.

I wish I could have seen
the look on his face.

Uh, you still can actually.

We'll be right over.

Hey boy, daddy's too wasted to drive

and I can't find the car
in all that f*cking snow,

so go seal us one.

We's gonna get the old snowmobile back.

[phone ringing]

Holy sh*t, that phone rings a lot,

considering we never pay
for the frickin thing.

Hello?

Hey Anastasia.

Happy New Year.

[giggling]

Oh my god, Percy, it's B.C. Bud,

he says he's coming to town.

B.C. Bud, holy Frank.

Wait till the guys the tavern find out.

[upbeat music]

Now with the sweet
snowmobile Uncle Mike stole

from the Fish and Game Commission.

Man, that fuel-injected Cowie wh*re,

could blow a 12-foot tail at 100 clicks.

[giggling]

[harp resonating]

Thanks for letting me visit, Uncle Mike.

You always were the nicest
one in the family to me.

Fancy talking prick.

Race you upriver to the dam

and then we'll see who's smartest.

[energetic music]

Beat your a*s again, Uncle Mike.

Mike where you get to,
you stupid old b*stard.

[harp resonating]

You'll have fun riding
the big snowmobile,

won't ya young fella?

He ain't even touching it.

Ain't the kid old enough to drive it?

Yeah he's old enough he's
just too stupid and Ret*rded.

No, just cars for him.

[van beeping]

Oh my goodness, they're
bringing out the body.

Sir, you might want to take your son into

that adjoining room.

Hey boy, check it out
it's your uncle Mike.

Guess he'll never get
that tooth fixed now.

[giggling]

I'm sure you'll want
to contact next of kin

and make arrangements.

Ha, I'll just check his pockets

and then he's all yours.

Narrator: Kevin said
that he found it disturbing,

how the human body can sometimes
become bloated after death.

I don't know, just
reminds me or your mom

with morning breath.

Chain the snowmobile to the car, boy,

I'll be right with you.

Don't you have a trailer?

Let me just check.

That would be a big f*cking no.

I see, well regarding the
fees for removal of the machine,

I'm afraid we do reserve the
right to demand a small charge

for our lost time and--

Hit it, boy.

[energetic music]
[tires screeching]

Hey Bud, good thing you
showed up when you did

or we'd all be f*cked.

Now go crack a window

so if I can try starting this thing again.

Maybe we won't all faint this time.

I think I flushed the gasoline.

[engine humming]

[engine revving]

It's the alternator man.

Hey I know engines okay.

Hey fine man sorry.

Whatever happened to that
old Nova you used to drive.

I'm fixing it okay, f*cking
boy sugared the gas tank,

ain't had time to get it going yet.

That was a long time ago.

The city's been telling you
to get that heap off the lawn

for eight months now.

Now everyone's shouting again.

Why do I have to go through the same hell,

every g*dd*mn year?

Narrator: Kevin couldn't
take being locked up

with these noisy arseholes anymore

and headed out determined to find some way

to keep from going
insane with cabin fever.

It's the alternator man.

That's all you ever say.

It's the f*cking alternator.

I'm just flushing the
engine for Christ's sake.

sh*t.

[suspenseful music]

Whoa hey.

Whoa man.

Oh no man.

Dude.

Hey Bud, relax I'll just
put it out with my Ma's coat,

don't worry.

Whoa, it, it was just so
intense there for a second man.

I gotta think about this.

sh*t, what's his friggin problem?

Better get a few beers in to him later.

[groaning]

No, no!

[whistling]

Hey, my crop.

What are those cops doing?

No, no!

Dude!

[terrifying music]

[yelling]

[upbeat music]

Holy Smoke, why's it
so frigging dark in here?

Holy sh*t, we're snowed in.

It's just the boys new snow fort.

Snow fort, it's like he
built an addition to the front

of the f*cking house.

Now we're getting even less
sunlight in this lousy place.

Narrator: Kevin
enjoyed making snow forts

because it was like
having his own apartment,

where he could ditch his folks

and imagine a life independent of them.

Hey boy, we got the machine running.

If that thing ain't gone
by the time we're back,

you're gonna be living
in it, in the hospital.

[giggling]

You should let your kid keep the fort.

He's just having fun.

Maybe it'll help him stop being so weird.

Suppose, at least
he can't burn it down,

like everything else.

I'm just taking the
piss out of him anyways.

Kind of reminds me of my first apartment,

on account it was always cold too.

Yeah and the city's gonna
bulldoze the damn thing anyway.

Just like my first apartment.

Narrator: Unfortunately
the fact that the Spencer's,

lived in a lower-income
working-class sh*t h*le slum

with no forests and woods
for miles in any direction,

and they didn't have the benefits

of federally approved trails with which

to explore the magic of snowmobiling.

[engine revving]

Holy sh*t, look at the sparks
off the skis on this thing.

Look at me boy I'm Star Wars.

Narrator: So instead they
did the next best thing,

they waited for a few
inches to dust the street,

before burning it to
the elementary school.

[engine revving]

Move it.
[yelling]

[energetic music]

[police sirens blaring]

sh*t, thought we
could get to the river.

We're gonna have to outrun them.

I'm heading over to ski hill to the lake,

then we're home free.

Just ditch the machine, Percy.

We'll run for it.

Oh, yeah, a Spencer always died game.

What's that mean, who
said anything about dying.

Whoa.

[screaming]

Out of the way,
p*ssy's, coming through.

If you don't move outta the
way the cops will catch us.

Move.

[police sirens blaring]

[engine revving]

Here it is, Lake Bung.

Hey, Bud, what month is it?

February.

Early or late?

I think late.

Check this out.

Ye-ha.

[energetic music]

[police siren blaring]

Percy, dude.

Lets just turn ourselves in.

This it too intense.

I don't like, too intense.

God damn it, we lost another car.

They're gonna have our
a*s at headquarters.

Yeah, all the equipment, the computer,

Kevlar vest, all that a*mo.

Not to mention that homeless
guy sleeping in the backseat.

Oh sh*t, yeah.

Well, at least they can't
take him out of our salary.

[camera clicking]

Narrator: Kevin's attractive fort,

won him the respect of
delinquents and neighbors alike.

That Spencer boy,
certainly is a gifted talent.

What the hell have you done lately,

except embarrass your mother and I.

Oh Christ, is that how it's gonna be.

Fine I'll try to do
something worthy of you.

You tragic old dinosaur.

Is that supposed to mean something?

I'm saying you're the embarrassment.

Why?

I, I...

Never mind.
[phone ringing]

Hello, I'm looking for some
construction contractors please.

A snow fort, that's what I said.

A big friggin' snow fort

so my father can feel like a big man.

Narrator: Seeming McNaughton
snow fort changed Kevin's

opinion of himself completely.

Now Kevin hated his snow fort

and thought it was the stupidest
thing that ever existed.

[energetic music]

[engine humming]

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat music]

Well I'll say this for the old b*stard,

at least I can get away from him in here.

[ominous music]

Hello, who's out there?

This is some nice snow fort you've got.

Hey, I've seen you.

You're Shana.

Aren't you friends without Spencer kid.

If you're referring to
the Ret*rded welfare case

at the arcade, no thanks.

So, did you built this place yourself?

My old man paid for
it, he's such a jerk.

So, Timmy.

I've never known a guy
with his own place before.

[romantic music]

[phone ringing]

Hang on it's my cell.

Go ahead, I gotta check a few emails,

on my Palm Pilot anyways.

Yes Mother?

What would you care, Mother?

And I suppose that's supposed

to make me feel better, Mother?

Maybe he'd come home if you
just stopped drinking, Mother.

Mother, Mother.

Good bye, Mother.

[romantic music]

Now, where were we?

[alarming music]

Holy sh*t, it's that
drunken welfare case,

from across the street.

Did, did I, did I miss last call?

Oh holy frig, this
place has a low ceiling.

What is this, a bar for midgets.

[giggling]

I wonder what you're like in bed.

Dad, help!

Get outta here, you old piss bag.

My God, I feel so, so violated.

What?

What's a guy gotta do
to get a drink around here?

What the hell's going on in here?

I ain't leavin' til
I get my table dance.

God damn it, something's gotta open.

Why's it so hard to get served,
when you're blacked out.

Hey, what about this dump.

Figures, it's friggin' closed.

Good thing ever have a traveler.

[energetic music]

[crashing]

Holy sh*t, I better start tunneling out,

before the really big
plow comes in the morning.

[upbeat music]

Trash day I can hardly
believe it's been a year already.

Whoopsie, looks like Kevin's
little playhouse fell down.

Hey Anastasia.

Hey Bud, I thought you was with Percy.

He ditched me at the bar.

Gosh I wonder where he is?

Where the f*ck am I?

Holy sh*t I'm still in
the f*cking snow fort.

And I can hear the big plow coming.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, it's getting
closer, come on come on.

What the f*ck, feels like metal.

What the hell!

Narrator: Luckily for
Percy the wrecked old car,

he had on his front lawn for months,

served a useful purpose after all.

He'd climbed in a window and
when the plow hit the car,

it ruined all the blades.

Percy, you's a f*cking genius.

[giggling]

Narrator: Which was a
good thing because the motor

was still strong enough
to suck him through.

[yelling]

[yelling]

Oh I'm sorry you missed Percy, Bud.

Maybe you can say goodbye to him,

when you come back next year?

I won't be coming back, Anastasia.

Why not?

[yelling]
[glass shattering]

No reason.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

Percy: Mike, where you get
to, you stupid old b*stard.