04x04 - Hostage Cupcake

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

[gentle music

Tick-tock you old b*stard.
[coin clattering]

Yeah,

Keeps rejecting my penny envelope.

[music playing]

About freaking time.

I swear I'll get you
the money Big Daddy.

Its all here in the bank machine.

It better be all there.

No one dipsy doodle's Big Daddy Belgium.

What's this fat idiot doing?

Negotiating a mortgage?

What's the hold up, ward a*s?

[keys beeping]

[machine beeping]

[banging noises]

Trying to cash a f*cking check,

but I can't think of the password.

Gotta be something simple,

T,

tit, T-I,

T, A,

jet,

B-A,

N-T, U,

R, D,

Jiffy.

c*m ward,

Jerk-off.

Wait, is there 2-fs or is the J silent?

[music playing]

Narrator: Kevin stared
in amused fascination

at the bank machine.

A financial automaton,

and harbinger of the 24-hour economy.

The machine that let people
get money anytime they wanted

so they no longer had an excuse

for not having all the good things

television said they needed.

[Thudding sound]

That is except for the fact
of being dirt a*s poor.

[music playing]

[banging sound]

Maybe it's a bunch of words together,

like a*s t*ts or t*ts b*stard.

How can you not know the
password to your own account?

I know... You made me spill
my beer all over the machine.

[crackling sound]

[ominous music]

Dad, no, Big Daddy, we can
go to another back machine.

I don't think so.

I've had enough of your dipsy doodling.

[music playing]

Bank machine without an order.

Now where the hell are we
supposed to cash this thing?

That's your f*cking
answer to everything.

Now I gotta waste my last five on food.

I'll take the number two combo.

[ominous music]

Sir, this isn't a restaurant,

but we would appreciate it if you sign

your organ donor card.

Donor organs hey?

Maybe I got one I'd like
to donate right now.

Ahhh freak, ahhh Putin, argh.

Holy freakin' hell!

Doctor, we have a recently deceased man

who signed his organ donor card.

My God!

How'd this one get it?

Lawn chair accident.

He didn't feel a thing.

Charming.

Well, let's sally up
to the old buffet here.

Well, lookey here, some lucky
will be glad to see that.

Here kid, see!

[joyful music playing]

Oh Tommy thank heavens you're alive,

and thank heavens for donor organs.

How do you feel?

Hungover like a f*cking sailor.

Whose liver was this?

[banging sound]

Narrator: Kevin liked
going to the shopping mall.

In his mind shopping malls figured

as a post modern equivalent
of the town square.

A place to scope out the
losers in the community.

The mall always showed how
intolerant he really was.

Especially when his b*stards parents

started feuding over the welfare check.

Strip club.

Liquor store

Strip club

Liquor store

Goddammit, I wanna buy a strip club.

Are you out of your
f*cking mind, it's welfare.

Remember what I told you about decimals?

No.

It's only 300 something,

another f*cking government screw over.

See if they'll cash
it at Discount Liquor.

I'm gonna get some sh*t
at the Feed and Seed,

and don't lose the boy.

All right, hey there you.

What you doing boy?

Holy f*ck, he's gonna punch the mannequin.

[music playing]

Oh boy, look at the johnson
on that son of a b*tch.

f*cking hell.

[music playing]

Geez, I didn't know they
made them so realistic.

I'm trying it on with a dummy.

Look how big they made that thing anyway.

Ain't even accurate.

Says you.

[music playing]

Come on boy.

I know when I'm being disrespected.

[upbeat music playing]

Sir, I couldn't help noticing you

like our Seizuretron 5000.

Didn't you guys get
busted for smuggling people

into the country inside your big screen.

No!

I guess I just made that up there.

Narrator: Kevin liked going
to the electronic stores,

cause they always had computers hooked up

to the internet.

The store liked it because
it showed customers

they were high tech.

Kevin liked it because he could copy all

the internet preferences
from the store's computers

and hack into their
corporate accounts later.

It's how he'd secretly wiped-out
a lot of dotcom companies.

Isn't it amazing?

This PC has the fastest
processors and the latest AI.

Narrator: Kevin asked the
babbling show what AI was.

Artificial intelligence you numbskull.

We're creating machines
that think on their own.

Narrator: Kevin asked
if the mind body principle

involved in that kind of
transference wouldn't violate

certain basics of Cartesian dualism?

Ah, Descartes.

Not many people know of Klingon
word for death with honor.

That was Space Truck episode 14 wasn't it?

[scratching music playing]

What's up boy?

Ah, ain't that cute?

Little rugrat wants cheap
booze in the basement.

Now get your mits of me
fool, I saw it first.

[music playing]

I need some industrial
strength pesticide.

You's got some critters
sniffing around your swell drop?

I guess you could say that.

Let's just say it's a personal thing.

Better get a flea collar
for the boy while I'm at it.

Hope the little ward's keeping
his old man out of trouble.

[music playing]

[thudding noise]

All right.

Now that security is out of the way,

let's make our move.

[muffled screaming]

[crashing sound]

We hit the jackpot here boy.

Have you heard the saying,
the walls have ears?

Well my boy the ceiling has eyes too.

[music playing]

Gullible pumpkin b*stards.

[music playing]

We going down.

Thank you for keeping the
food court clean. Thank you.

[banjo music playing]

If you don't give them the right food,

they don't give milk.

And they get all shy.

Why don't stop dancing around the issue

and tell me what you really want?

All right!
[bang sound]

Nobody move and no one will get hurt.

Besides him.

He was with us so it doesn't count.

What is want?

We have no money.

This feed store
supports the beef industry.

We are Animal Rights for
Society and the Environment

and we're here to set free--

[laughter]

What the hell are you laughing at?

[laughter]

Your sign spells arse.

Oh Dammit Felix she's right.

Oh, Sorry.

Never mind.

Start spraying the politically
inflammatory graffiti.

Ten-four.

Take that corporate power brokers.

Hey, it ain't working.

What?

Oh dude, I brought my
deodorant by accident.

Aerosol, was it tested on animals?

Yeah.

You are so irredeemably lame.

Go to phase two. I'll release
the pets these fascists

sell in to domestic subservience.

My God don't!

That's right.

Watch as you inhumane tyranny crumbles.

Go free, free as nature intended.

No, I mean that's
our exotic pet section.

Ow, sh*t, frig they are in my pants.

Hold still.

I'll get 'em.

[g*nsh*t rings]

Sorry dude.

Announcer: Attention
shoppers, attention shoppers.

g*n wielding fanatics have
opened fire at the feed store.

That's right Mr Spencer.

We give you the ingredients

and you make your own
signature blend of wine.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Yes, but when you're
finished, you'll have 90 bottles

of delicious red wine.

At a cost of roughly $3 a bottle.

Three bucks a bottle?

Holy sh*t let's get started.

Well first you have to choose what kind

of wine you'd like.

Perhaps the dry
sophistication of a Merlot?

Or a fruity bordeaux?

Or perhaps a--

Fruity.

Hey what about the wine with a duck on it?

Actually you can put
whatever you want on the bottle.

We custom design your label
for your own personal stock.

Mr Spencer: Chateau Gale du Spencer.

You callin' me g*y?

Sales Person: A poor example.

Eau de Spencer.

Dom Percignon.

Drunken nun.

Ever heard of moody blue?

Out here with the label.

It looked like denim.

The label is optional.

Here, take your ingredients over there

and let me know when you're ready.

[police siren rings]

There's cops outside.

Quick, to the bus mobile.

We'll never get past their
paramilitary enforcers dude.

Maybe yous guys should take a hostage.

That's what I always tell
my fat-a*s husband to do.

But does he listen?

"Taking a hostage makes it
a capital crime", he says.

I don't understand the law he says.

Good idea lady.

Felix, take the old bag
into the parking lot.

I'll keep you covered from the back.

Roger Wilco!

They won't fire at us with a human shield.

[ominous music]

Captain,

I think I got a clear shot.

No you don't, none of
you have a clear shot.

Hey, I think I got a clear shot too.

[g*nshots ring]

Holy f*ck! Run!.

[g*nshots ringing].

[music playing]

[muffled sounds]

Take the gag out.

I said, there's the one.

His wife's the one they kidnapped.

[sneezes]

Sir, I'm sorry to
have to telly you this,

but your wife, Anastasia Spencer,

is a hostage.

She's a skank too.

Could've blinded me with that putin.

Well, whatever.

You are lucky to have such
a huge criminal record.

We had a profile on you
and your wife in no time.

You are Percy Spencer?

What?

I'm trying to tell you your
wife's been taken prisoner

by t*rrorists.

Hang on, just let
me sort this sh*t out.

Okay, here's the mix.

I want 90 bottles.

Wonderful Mr Spencer.

We'll see you in 90 days.



What the f*ck are you talking about?

The wine has to ferment sir.

Don't recall seeing that
little piece of fine-print.

I thought you made it same day.

Just give 90 of them bottles on the wall.

Sir those are for other customers.

Any idiot knows that fermentation--

So now I am an idiot?

Give me them f*cking bottles
and them other people

can have my f*cking
signature label in 90 days.

Come along Mr Spencer we have no time.

I have a command vehicle
parked outside the food-court.

Give me my f*cking money
back you gifting son of a b*tch.

[music playing]

Dammit, some little bustards
stripped the command vehicle.

f*ck you pig!

Thanks. Great, yeah, nice to see you.

Sorry Mr Spencer but we gonna have

to go to the command valise.

Either of these old
Polaroids look familiar?

Sometimes I see that
sun twat juggling in

the beer store parking lot.

A busker huh?

That's worse than I feared.

These guys have a record,

and their hostages usually
meet the same fate.

What, bored sh*t-less
and strapped for change.

Common, we have to
setup a command table,

in the command food court.

Mr Spencer,

have you ever heard of
the Stockholm Syndrome?

I don't watch the Oscars.

It's not a movie.

It's what happens to people
when they start to sympathize

with the beliefs of their captors.

Frak,

you mean like when rehab says
you should stop drinking?

Exactly!

Tell me, is your wife easily influenced?

And how?

Check out what she did in
last month's amateur fatties.

You wanna believe she did
that under the influence.

[slow-tempo music]

Okay.

I like this one with
her leg bone under the--

I can see Mr Spencer

that we are gonna have a
challenge on our hands.

You callin' me challenged?

Thank you for keeping
the food court clean.

Don't forget to use
our recycling bins near

the fire exits.

I mean, hello.

You got a hot load for me?

I mean,

excuse me, I'm nervous, I've never.

[romantic music playing]

Does it excite you when
I talk trash like this?

You know I want it.

Why don't you give it to me?

Oh yes!, Oh yes,

yes, oh!

Hey hold on, the FBI.

This is Canada.

Says so on the TV, you
got no jurisdiction here.

Yep, well, you just keep
believing what you want.

Now, do you want to
find your wife or what?

No, but I guess you'll have my nuts

if I don't look like
I'm gonna do something.

That's the winning attitude.

[somber music]

Commentator: Only a few seconds left.

The final game of the dead-locked series

and we have a chance of winning it all.

Lovram takes the puk,

he shoots!

I'm confiscating this television

to pursue a dangerous criminal.

Good we are still in pursuit of the v--

[crowd roaring]

[sirens wailing]

Wow.

They even got helicopters chasing us.

These th*gs have obviously
brainwashed their hostage,

as she is vigorously mooning
our wide-eye news chopper.

We're not some weekend
warriors here lady.

We're about democracy.

Holy crap, that's a window rattler.

Sorry but I always burp in twos.

Lady,

what's your problem?

It's all this vegetarian
crap you weirdos got me eating.

My body ain't used to it.

It ain't the 60s anymore you know.

That's just it,

we're the offspring of the 60s.

We make our own things,

leave in communes,

we even practice free love.

And now we're saving
animals from t*rture.

That's right.

If the corporate nation state
wants to test cosmetics,

do it on convicts!

Hey you b*stard, my Percy is a convict

and I don't like him wearing makeup.

[farting sound]

I don't think the animals we freed

can take much more of this man.

So, with all this
free love and everything,

what do you say we tear one off right now?

Listen lady,

I don't think I will
be seeing action until

the scorpion venom in my p*nis wears off.

I know.

Seems like you swelled up a
nice little Easter basket bag.

[police siren wailing]

Gotcha.

Mr Spencer we just got word

they found a dead body wrapped in a sheet.

It's probably your wife.

Oh well.

Interesting thing to say.

Excuse me a second while I
go to the command toilet.

Note,

our friend Mr Spencer
seems a little too pleased

that his wife's on ice.

I smell a mastermind
behind this kidnapping.

A horny fat! Little mastermind.

Hey, is that a used condom on the floor?

Ouch, what the?

You b*stard you stuck me
in the a*s with a syringe.

It had to be this way, Mr Spencer.

Answer me Spencer.

Did you have your wife kidnapped?

No, but I wish I did.

And I wish I punched your
lights out when I had a chance.

So you didn't plan
your wife's kidnapping?

No,

but I done plenty of other sh*t.

I didn't mean to burn down the building.

How was I supposed to
know it was a hooker?

And that's why in this state
they know me by my other name.

DB Cooper.

I'm gonna have to get some
more paper for all of this.

You know what to do boy.

[ominous music]

[crashing sound]

Thank you for getting f*cked boy.

Hold up the line.

You.

You came back for me.

I know I don't have
much to offer but ahh--

Just a wired point,

but all of a sudden I feel
just like telling the truth.

Like how you were an accident,

and how much your mom and
I think you got no future.

Remember that Christmas I
told you Santa hated you?

That was a lie.

Santa actually brought you
everything you asked for,

but I smoked it and drank it all myself.

Well, we've got enough
wine to last a few days,

and we got wheels.

So don't worry boy.

We'll find your mama if we have

to drive this beater through

the whole damn neighborhood.

[hypnotic music playing]

[theme song]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath. ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

♪ Oh yes! ♪

♪ Yes! ♪