[whistling]
[vehicle passing]
[whistling]
[vehicle passing]
[whistling]
Ye-hah.
[tires skidding]
[vehicles crashing]
[whistling]
[exciting music]
[whistling]
[glass shattering]
[Percy snickering]
TV Announcer: We'll be right back
with more television after this.
[playful music]
Thanks to Horowitz Adult Diapers,
I don't have to be embarrassed
to ride the Ferris wheel anymore.
TV Announcer: We interrupt
this old bag to bring you
an important message.
Elderly Person: Hey, oh.
TV Announcer: DreamLand
Cable proudly presents
old reruns.
Coming up next, another marathon
of old Canadian TV shows
no one remembers.
[Percy scoffing]
Wonder if they'll play
that "Beachcombers" again.
I remember that show from being a kid.
[wistful harp music]
When I grow up, I'm
going to British Columbia
to be a Beachcomber [laughs].
That's what your father said
the day I told him I
had the bun in the oven.
And that was you, laddie.
He said he did, he said, "I'm
going out west to find work."
And he's been gone ever since.
Maybe I'll find dad
when I'm a Beachcomber.
Ah, you're luckier without
that bloody fart catcher.
f*ck you mom, I'm
going to British Columbia.
[glass breaking]
Relic!
[previous word echoing]
[wistful harp music]
And I never did.
Turns out the lying b*stard
was in Montreal, anyways [laughs].
Hey Percy, the clinic says
the boy's lice is clearing up.
But we gotta wash the couch cushions
one more time to be safe.
I think I got a letter from the state.
Read it to me.
[paper tearing]
When we get...
our hands...
on you...
son of a--
Not the one from the phone company.
The one with the American stamp on it.
[paper tearing]
It says you won a chance
to be on that new American game show.
"Who Wants to Marry a prost*tute?"
f*cking A.
Hey wait a minute.
You're already married, to me.
So, we can get money.
Maybe it's like a border thing.
I'm only allowed one wife
per country or something.
[foot stomping]
[Percy groaning]
[body crashing]
You as*h*le.
Goddamnit.
Hey, how much money you figure?
I don't know.
Hey, at least we got a trip out of it.
sh*t, I don't even remember
entering the stupid thing.
Yeah, it's weird.
You can barely write your freaking name.
Narrator: It was true Percy
hadn't entered the contest.
Kevin had filled out
the entry form for him.
Kevin knew the TV show
was taped in Los Angeles,
which also happened to be the address
of his long lost twin brother, Bradley.
Since he knew there was
no way his as*h*le parents
would never take him down there normally,
he figured a free trip
to be on the game show
might at least get him
into the same zip code.
[cars honking]
[dog sniffing]
[dog barking]
Spot check, pull over.
Ah frig, here we go.
Looks like a half
smoked marijuana cigarette.
I bought the car used.
I didn't check all of
the f*cking ashtrays.
What's this on the floor?
Appears to be a small
pipe for smoking hashish.
I told ya, I got the car used.
I didn't go over the damn thing.
[trunk opening]
And what's this in the trunk?
Looks like chemicals and lab equipment
for making methamphetamines.
Really?
Holy sh*t, I didn't know about that.
Look, I stole the f*cking car, okay?
Can we go now?
In a while, but the car stays here.
[plastic snapping]
[dramatic music]
We gotta go, Ma.
F'ing b*stard's gonna
strip search all of us.
Oh no.
[romantic music]
That's terrible.
[Percy farting]
[Percy snickering]
[Percy groaning]
Oh.
Hey, nice watch.
I think that belonged
to the last border guard.
[Percy snickering]
Well, they aint smuggling anything.
And there's no papers that
say they own the car, so.
Yeah, and you got no
proof I stole it, either.
You confessed.
I'll deny it.
Just get out of here, assholes.
Okay, this time.
That'll teach you to
mess with Percy Spencer.
[playful music]
[mellow music]
Narrator: Because of zero tolerance,
the whole family was stranded
in Canada with no car.
And it took a long time before
they found a livestock truck,
with enough manure to cover them all.
Hey guys long time no see.
Sure, I got's plenty of room [chuckles].
Just let me get the shovel.
So, where you been lately, Charlie?
I've been laying low for a bit.
I'll be back when the statute runs out.
Laying low, huh?
What else you been laying
you saucy-talking--
[speaker drowned out by manure]
[adventurous music]
[electricity buzzing]
[engine turning over]
Hey, get out of that
car, you thieving b*stards!
That car's only a steal metaphorically.
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[upbeat music]
[glass breaks]
It's true, cars really do depreciate
after you drive em' off the lot.
[Ma and Percy laughing]
Ma: Look, it's Los Angeles.
Percy: Christ, there's
more sh*t in the air
than a Quebec bingo.
[upbeat music]
[Kevin gulping]
Remember, as soon as you
win, we ditch the prost*tute.
And make off with the
prize, whatever it is.
Yeah.
Sayonara fatty, I'm king
of the world, fatty.
[Percy snickering]
[suspenseful music]
Host: Welcome to "Who
Wants to Marry a prost*tute?"
One of these lucky contestants
will win the hand of
Lucy May and $10 million.
[dramatic music]
I didn't [beep] know
the [beep] prize was so
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] much.
Percy you're swearing faster
than our sensors can bleep you.
Please, calm down.
[beep] Sorry.
Let's meet the contestants.
Percy Spencer, a degenerate from Canada.
Malbeouf Quifer, a porno film
director from Santa Monica.
And Bill, the homeless guy.
Now let's play, "Who Wants
to Marry a prost*tute?"
Our first question, what
is the legal drinking age
in most US states?
[buzzing]
Yes, Percy?
Sorry, I was looking at Lucy May
and my p*nis hit the buzzer by accident.
Do you know the answer, anyways?
I don't know, 21, aint it?
Absolutely right.
[audience applauding]
Narrator: Percy was doing
really well in the game,
because all the questions seem to be about
stuff he really knew well.
[suspenseful music]
[buzzing]
[audience applauding]
And now, the final question.
How many beers does it take
to make a St. Bernard dog drunk?
Holy frig, that's the
easiest question ever.
Percy, you the genius, baby.
[buzzing]
For ten million,
Percy what's the answer?
Hold on, hold on everyone.
The show's canceled.
[audience booing]
What?
[audience booing]
The new Head of Programming
says everything we produce
from now on has to take place in the woods
or have some other Canadian style to it.
Who the hell is that guy?
I'm the Canadian lighting guy.
This scene, it just doesn't
look Canadian enough, eh?
This is bullshit I was a lock.
[podium crashing]
Sorry that's the way
Mr. Gerussi wanted it.
Anyways.
Gerussi, I know that name.
I think I done time with that guy.
He's the one who--
[channel changing]
TV Announcer: And now
its time for "Survivor 12."
Northern Manitoba.
It's "Degrassi Jr Power Rangers."
[upbeat music]
Well, we sent those cybernetic
tape worms packing, Wheels.
Yeah, and we learned
how to wash properly too.
But you know all that a*s whopping's
got me thinking about my feelings.
It's because of that whole thing
in the boys' change room, isn't it?
Why can't other people accept
my robotic transforming genitals?
Sure, I'm different but I
feel things like other people.
Except down there.
[buzzing]
Maybe its because we're in our 30s
and have no business
in a boys' change room.
Or even in a high school, for that matter.
[dramatic music]
[thunder crashing]
[door opening]
Mr. Gerussi, your big
meeting is ready to start.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
You are the eight people who
control all American media.
Television, movies, print.
The major internet servers.
Radio, telecommunications.
Public relations and, and...
Who are you?
We put those little billboards
over the urinals in men's rooms.
Oh, thank you.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's all over.
I'm taking control.
[thunder crashing]
But, but how?
Relic, Jessie, Hobo.
Put these nice people somewhere
they can't soil the world with their
brainless regurgitated culture.
Then, we'll go to Molly's.
[dog barking]
[suspenseful music]
[dog barking]
[dog growling]
[upbeat music]
The show was canceled?
I hope you packed my superhero costume
'cause I'm drunk and out for justice.
[intriguing music]
So, who the hell is
this Lionel Jacuzzi?
For the last time, its Bruno Gerussi.
And he just f*cked me out
of a sweet 10 million.
Narrator: Kevin told
mom that Bruno Gerussi
was an actor on an old Canadian
show, "The Beachcombers."
It was about men in British Columbia
who cruised the beach
all day looking for wood.
So, basically he's
a big f*cking nobody.
Yeah, but in Canada he's only
starting to become a nobody.
And he's mighty pissed off about it.
But I'm gonna set his a*s straight.
Narrator: Kevin asked his
folks if he could piss off
so he and Allen the magic
goose could go explore
Los Angeles alone at night.
Only if you get smokes.
[door opening]
[upbeat music]
[car door shutting]
Come on boy, there's only one way
to see the city of Angels by night.
And that's from the sky.
[wings fluttering]
It'll be a shame when the big quake
finally spits this real
estate into the ocean.
It's so pretty.
Look there's Venice Beach
and there's Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
And there's Louie Anderson.
Narrator: Kevin liked Los Angeles
because it was just like
being back in the asylum.
Only everyone was so rich
they could make all their
neurotic eccentricities a reality.
Finally, Kevin found something
he'd really been looking forward
to, the all-night pharmacy.
[mellow music]
Soon he had a sweet buzz
on and he passed out.
Almost on the spot where
River Phoenix died.
[phone giving busy signal]
[vehicle stopping]
[upbeat music]
Can you just make
up your frigging mind.
I just need something
to look super heroic.
Take it easy, honey.
I wanna shoplift you something nice.
Try this one on.
[playful music]
Let's get this one.
Yeah, I guess it looks okay.
f*ck how it looks, it
hugs me in the right places.
I'm outta here.
[fist hitting]
[melancholy music]
[upbeat music]
[twins laughing]
[dramatic music]
Automated Voice: Prepare
for an emergency message
from the President of the United States.
Gerussi, you b*stard.
You can't keep soiling American culture
with your backwoods Canadian TV mentality.
Oh, I bought those shares
fair and square, Mr. President.
With my scammed life insurance settlement
and some shrewd Cayman Island investments.
It's not like the cast of
"Traitors" were doing anything.
Now, I own all the American networks!
You can't keep making
these boring shows.
Look how the American public are reacting.
[crowd rioting]
Us viewers are angry at what seems like
a new network mandate.
I caught my son in the
bathroom today with a book,
with words.
I mean didn't we have enough of Canada
with that show "Northern Exposure?"
That was an American show.
Really?
Whoa.
[channel changing]
Crowd: Turn it off, turn it off,
turn it off, turn it off.
TV Announcer: This looks like a job for
Drunken Welfare Man.
Yeah, like I'm out
looking for a f*cking job.
[glass shattering]
[body crashing]
[Bruno laughing maniacally]
Now I shall rule all
American television.
And that means the world.
How ya figure?
Did you know who I was
before I took over the networks?
Ah, that would be a big nope.
Sure, I was big in Canada
and still I was as unknown to you
as a Lithuanian game show host.
The only media stars known worldwide
are on American television.
And that's for its fine quality.
Yes, we're going to fix that.
[phone ringing]
Yello, who?
Some guy to see you, Hal Wexler?
Wexler?
Fat, loud guy.
Al, Al Waxman?
The king of Kensington?
But he's dead.
Or, was he just faking it like I was?
Send him in, our new
network will have a king.
Like f*ck it will.
Oh, it's you, you can leave.
He's a harmless drunk.
What's with all these shitty Canadians
on American television?
You're ruining everything.
Are you kidding?
Relic invented Grunge.
You could try being a bit patriotic.
Not when it's stupid.
That's like Hitler, and now look
no one wears that style mustache no more.
You keep f*cking around
people will remember you
as the guy who put chest hair
and gold chains out of business.
Fortunately, that day will never come.
Tell me Percy, wouldn't
you like a nice long nap?
[dramatic music]
What?
Holy sh*t you b*stard you spiked my drink.
I never gave you a drink.
Well, maybe I just really need a nap.
[Percy snoring]
And now for the first time,
this log driver's gonna
cut himself some deadwood.
You're watching the Scottish
Broadcasting System [growls].
And we're taking over the
World Broadcast Network.
Tonight, "Up your kilt" looks at
hoof-and-mouth disease in haggis.
What?
You're watching Prison Access Cable TV
by inmates for inmates.
By the way, the big jumping
contest at the south wall's
been rescheduled to noon.
Anyways, are guest today is Ball.
Ball, you lost your legs and one arm
to infections caused by heroin needles?
That's right.
And yet, you're still a
world champion skate boarder.
Let's see your routine.
[upbeat music]
No wait, stop.
[wheels scraping]
[channel changing]
TV Announcer: El Mexicana Broadcasting
is taking over world television.
Today, wrestling [speaking
foreign language].
Did you nap on my wife?
[speaking foreign language]
Well, I'm gonna give you
[speaking foreign language]
That's gonna make up
for eating my Dorito.
[wrestler screeching]
My God, no!
You can't all be taking
over American television.
I'll be, I'll be marginalized.
Again.
[Bruno yelling]
Hey, where'd the as*h*le go?
[head scratching]
[melancholy music]
Well, I guess I saved the day.
[Percy farting]
Hey, did you here that one, Ma?
Pig.
[upbeat music]
Narrator: Kevin had a sweet night
with his wealthy twin brother, Bradley.
Turns out his life was a lot
like Kevin's, just richer.
He took him to the swankiest
rehab in the world.
It sure wasn't like any rehab
the courts had sent Kevin to.
[upbeat music]
[twins laughing]
Bradley invited his long lost brother
to attend his high school grad.
Since Brad was so smart,
he was graduating three years early.
And here, graduating three years early,
the student of the century and inspiration
for this year's class,
Bradley DePalma.
[crowd applauding]
Narrator: Bradley told everyone
that the best part of the night
was being reunited with
his long lost twin brother,
and fellow substance ab*ser, Kevin.
Oh my God, it's you.
Narrator: Bradley asked his mother,
if he could have his
long lost twin brother
come live with them.
Now, now, little Bradley.
The family can't support
that sort of scandal.
Besides, this is Los Angeles.
If your aunts and uncles
find out you're adopted,
they'll get us cut out
of Grand Daddy's will.
[sorrowful music]
[lighter flicking]
[bubble bursting]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ I don't like it, never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a teen smoking like
a hardened sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
Robotic transforming genitals.
[underwater gurgling]
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