04x07 - Add Beer Ad

[bunniefuu]

[slow whistling]

[big band music]

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Announcer 2: Tonight at eight.

Hulk Hogan,

Carl Weathers,

and Shannon Tweed

fight alien cross-dressers
in "Fightin' Fight Fighters."

Barf, Barf, I'm Barfy Booze Hound.

Look at these chicks.

Chicks like drunk guys.

Chicks have sex with guys who drink.

Hell, for enough money,

they'll even have sex with a drunken dog.

Well, I'm the drunkest, richest
dog with the most chicks.

Barfy Booze Hound.

That's right.

Barfy Booze Hound is
looking for a side kick.

So if you're a problem
drinker with issues,

come down to the Barfy
Beer big Chug-A-Lug.

Maybe you'll get laid.

So when you get drunk,

do it doggy style with Barfy Booze Hound.

The old town.

The old fun shop.

The old prostit*tes.

The old porno studios.

Home sweet home.

Just a few more days
till my statutes run out,

and I'm home free.

I'll just keep a low profile.

How hard can that be for frick sake?

Hey, The Camel Toe Inn.

Maybe I'll stop in and
say hello to the la g*ng.

Hey, wake up girls!

This is as far as I go.

Thanks for all the great sex.

[chugging]

f*cking Quebec back taxes.

You pay Quebec property taxes?

You know the empty
lot I own on east side?

Part of that acreage stretches
over the Quebec border

so I have to pay property taxes.

That's a screwed up borderline.

It's a screwed up country Lomax.

Hey Spencer, you up for a game?

Narrator: Kevin said he'd be honored.

He'd even be willing to make Interesting.

You want to put a little
bet on the side, huh?

Narrator: Kevin said what he meant

by making it interesting
was that they'd hammer

nails into the pool cues and have a fight

on the pool table like Roman gladiators.

That is pretty interesting.

You White Tr*sh kids and your hobbies.

Hey, everyone I'm back.

Boy, did I ever have some
big trucking adventures.

Shut the f*ck up.

I'm trying to warm up for a chug-a-lug.

I'm going to be the new TV booze hound.

You're a shoe-in, Percy.

No one can drink as much as you.

You really think so, Marty?

Doesn't anyone want to
hear my big trucker stories?

I got four different kinds of gonorrhea.

Give me a smoke.

Somebody give Percy a smoke.

Might as well enjoy it now, Percy.

They're banning smoking in bars soon.

What?

What? Holy frick what
you all sitting around

doing f*ck all for?

There's nothing we can do.

We should get some lawyers

or torch Parliament or somethin'.

They banned it in Vancouver long ago.

Vancouver can smoke my f*ck' pole.

This is bullshit.

This is a democracy.

If I can't smoke in bars what-

what the f*ck am I going
to do for my retirement?

I can't think about
this while I'm training.

I gotta go home before this
bums me out of my zone.

Geez guys, really?

No one wants to hear about
the time I tickled a Grizzly,

or jumped a gorge to save a runaway girl?

Narrator: Kevin said he was interested

in hearing one of Charlie's stories

on account of the mundane tedium

of its life in the sh*t h*le Burg

could only be dissipated
with some imagining.

Hmm. Well, let's see if I can think

of one that isn't too grown up for you.

Actually, I have a song.

It's about a mysterious town
called Red Deer Alberta.

♪ Now here's a little story
'bout the Red Dare Devil ♪

♪ Some people say it
just ain't on the level ♪

♪ 90-feet tall ♪

♪ And 57 heads. ♪

♪ The kind of hallucination ♪

♪ That every trucker dreads. ♪

♪ 'Cause I was coming down ♪

♪ From taking lots of pills ♪

♪ To help me stay awake ♪

♪ On all those Rocky Mountain hills ♪

♪ The devil came a twister ♪

♪ And the twister took my truck ♪

♪ And it left me upside down ♪

♪ At a gas bar out of luck. ♪

[music fades]

Narrator: Kevin said
that this was the stupidest,

most linear avocation he'd
ever had the misfortune

of sitting through.

Eh, that's country music boy.

How's all your drinkin'
practice going, Sugar?

Shitty. You know anything
about that smoking ban?

Won't be allowed to smoke in bars no more.

Sure. It's all over the news.

Christ, Percy, maybe if ya sat
through just one news show.

On this, the eve of the
anniversary of the death of Elvis.

What? Elvis died?

No one tells me anything around here.

Don't worry Percy,

when you's a big celebrity
with your doggie friend,

you can smoke anywhere ya likes.

Narrator: Kevin said
he'd never felt pride

for his father before,

and never would.

And that he hoped that wouldn't stop him

from introducing him to
Barfy the Booze Hound

because despite his cheap costume,

he was still more of a role model

than his father would ever be.

Where do you get off talkin'
to your old man like that?

I oughta cuff ya one.

Ma, why don't ya never discipline the boy?

Me?

Narrator: Kevin was pretty lucky

because physical abuse was fairly common

in low income families.

Fortunately, his fat a*s
parents were both too lazy

to get up to answer the phone,

let alone lay into him with a beating.

That, coupled with the fact
that deep in their hearts,

Kevin's parents feared their
sons epic capacity for revenge,

and didn't want to piss
off someone who might

still be able to donate a kidney someday,

if ever they needed one.

Yeah, you got a weird
thing for that dog, huh?

Why don't you marry him?

Welcome to Barfy's Chug-A-Lug.

Brought to you by Barfy's Beer.

It's like Frosh Week never ended.

Remember the rules,

no stopping

no going to the bathroom,

and no not having fun.

Are we ready?

Three, two, one,

and chug!

[crowd cheering]

[fast-paced music]

It's down to Percy and
the Russian Circus Bear.

And, and the bear is wavering.

The bear is wavering.

Wait a minute!

Circus bear is rallying!

And the Russian Circus Bear is the winner!

[crowd cheers]

[barfing]

Oh sh*t, the bear cheated.

What are you suggesting?

The rule says no going to the bathroom.

The Russian judge slipped
the bear a catheter.

My God Percy, you're right.

You're my new side kick.

[mumbles] Just sign here.

Bring on the sl*t.

Percy, show up at
this production company

on Monday to become my
personal party spotter.

We'll be in a commercial together.

Narrator: Kevin was real excited.

Barfy was the richest,
drunkest dog in the world

with the most chicks.

To Kevin this made him
seem like the best dog

a boy could ever hope to have.

And so he followed him home
waiting for an opportunity

to kidnap him and begin training.

I'm the biggest Booze Hound
in the whole f*ck' world!

Did you hear me?

I said I need a smoke.

Here you go, Percy.

The countdown continues, huh?

Only a few days still no more smoking in

bars and restaurants.

You callin' me out you son of a b*tch?

No, I'm just saying...

Nah, frick it.

Why don't you just walk
down there with a shotgun

and sort them f*ck out?

Yeah yeah that's what I'll do, Percy.

Why don't you just
put a curse on the mayor,

and then wait until he died?

Yeah yeah that's what I'll do, Percy.

But why don't you jus...

go to bar over the empty

let you got on the Quebec border?

It's legal to smoke
cigarettes in bars there.

That is a good idea.

That's a g*dd*mn good idea!

Percy, you're pretty smart.

That's right, I'm smarter
than all you b*stards.

I'm the new TV Booze Hound with a dog!

So all you f*ck can kiss my a*s!

I'm out of here.

Come on, boy, Daddy's got an idea.

Nothing like blowing some ballast.

Hey, Charlie, I need a favor.

[whispering]

Sure I can just, uh...

What the, what the frick?

Guys, this is serious sh*t
you're proposing here.

We better have a meeting.

Narrator: Kevin hadn't
been in the basement

of his house in a long time.

Not since he'd kept his
former pet alligator,

Pinky down there.

I want you to start
cleaning this place out, boy.

We're gonna open a smokeeasy.

We'll serve liquor and people
can smoke all they want.

Like the days of Al Capone again, boy.

Narrator: Kevin asked Al Capone advice

on how to run a speakeasy.

Prohibition.

It can be tough but very profitable.

You need a couple of things.

You need a password so
you know who to let in.

Alsos, you gotta watch for the skimmers

always skimming off the top.

You might have to, uh,
set an example early.

You needs fancy sh*t
hanging from the walls

to distract peoples from the cheap hooch.

And you should get some
kind of entertainment.

Makes people feels less like
they're breaking the laws.

Narrator: Kevin asked
if the entertainment

could include celebrities.

The bigger the better, kid.

[laughing]

Charlie, I'm not saying
we take a rocket to the moon

if we tow the bar over my
legally owned property line.

As a licensed Quebec establishment

we can still smoke and
drink at the same time.

I know but you'll
have to lift the building

of the foundation,

get a contractor to put it on wheels,

the plumbing,

the electrical.

Leave that to me.

You just use your big truck,

and I'll use my corrupt union connections.

Narrator: Kevin had been
spying on Barfy's apartment

for two days.

But the Booze Hound never came out.

So he decided he better
peek in the window.

Just to make sure he was okay.

Hey, honey.

I'll be parading some fat
drunk around for a while.

It's a promotional thing.

I you're coming home when?

Well, wear something sexy?

Hang on, I got another call.

Hello?

Oh, hi Phil.

Any news on that morning show gig?

Jesus! Yeah, you're a
great agent ,Phil, bye.

Aren't you Percy's kid?

I'm afraid he ain't here,

but if you want I'll give
you a lift to the set.

We're sh**ting our first commercial today.

And... action.

I'm Barfy Booze Hound.

I'm Percy,

and I won the content, losers!

You know, we don't
always agree on everything.

Yeah, in fact, sometimes
this stupid dog gets

on my f*ck' nerves,

and I got a brand him with
a rolled up newspaper.

Hey, back off!

I mean, there's one thing we do agree on.

Really?

Yeah, yes, read the script stupid.

Who you calling stupid, b*stard?

We always agree on Barfy Beer

because it tastes great!

Helps me forget my life.

Tastes great!

Helps me forget my life!

Tastes...

Don't go givin' me lip ya f*ck' dog.

I'm telling ya, I drink
the help forget my life.

I've been thinking.

What's that, Percy?

I wanna raise.

What? We don't pay you anything.

That's my point.

Pretty shitty state of
affairs if you ask me.

Well, I'm not the one you talk to.

What makes ya think you're so big?

You're just some wash-up in a mascot suit.

I bet I get laid more than you.

Look, man, for a lot of
reasons I can't get into

your life probably is better than mine.

But I'll guarantee you there is no way

you get laid more than I do.

One time I actually caught some chick

humping the suit.

That's celebrity.

Listen, I have an invite
to a big opening tonight.

You wanna come?

No, snotty f*ck.

Narrator: It was the
day of the big opening,

and Kevin was some kind of excited.

Yeah, well, who's gonna
clean up all this sh*t?

Narrator: Kevin told his
mom that it was worth it

because he was going to have
a big celebrity come perform.

A big celebrity?

Who is it, John Holmes?

Ron Jeremy Jr. Sample?

Maybe Ronnie Hawkins!

Big celebrity?

He must mean me.

I'm the only famous person
the little dork knows.

Wow. Won't they be surprised
when they try to surprise me,

and I tell them I was on to them

and spoil their stupid surprise.

[laughing]

Hey, Kevin, this place is great.

Here I am.

I'm the big celebrity.

Narrator: Kevin asked
Percy what the hell

he thought he was doing.

I got Marty to make me a sign

so everyone knows I'm famous.

So your stupid surprise is ruined.

[laughs]

Ladies and gentlemen, it
is my privilege to introduce

our celebrity guest of the
evening, Mr. Barfy Booze Hound.

Thanks, folks, but you know,

I wouldn't be anywhere without the support

of my supremo, A,

number one fan.

Give it up for Percy's spe...

Good lord, Percy.

What are you doing?

Drinkin'.

You're drinking our competitors brand.

Didn't you read your contract?

So that's the f*ck'
celebrity you were talkin' about?

Well, you can kiss my a*s

because I'm outta here.

See, I even drew a picture

of what I'm gonna look like having sex

with a supermodel.

You can look at that when you're wonderin

where your daddy is.

Narrator: Percy's career was ruined.

So we figured on doing some anethetizing.

Closed? It's only 11
o'clock for Christ's sakes!

[Glass shattering]

Last call, Baby.

Holy frick, cut my hands
on that shattered glass.

That's gonna hurt tomorrow.

[laughs]

What've they done to the place?

Well, I don't care if it is ill*gal.

I'm gonna have one last bender
and smoke for old times sake.

Easy...

Easy...

Here it comes.

Now forward and a bit to the left.

Good. Now, give it some gas.

Oh yeah!

Here it comes!

Sami, you did it!

See, I knew it would be no problem

all along and uh...

[sirens]

Oh sh*t, the cops!

I'd like to have a
gander at any related

zoning permits to move that building.

Certainly, Officer,
I have all the documents

and property amendments right here.

And what's your problem?

Nothing at all, Officer.

So why ya hidin'your face?

I'm just hideously ugly,

and I don't want to distract
you from your important work

with my disgusting features.

That sounds like... Charlie Plunt.

So what if it is my statute
of limitations ran out.

You can't do nothing.

According to our computers,
you have one day left.

One day?

Wait a minute, is this a leap year?

No, that was last year.

Son of a... [mumbles]

[fast paced music]

[sirens]

That's convenient.

Charlie, what the f*ck you doin'?

I guess I got my days mixed up.

I still got one day left
till my statutes run out.

But the cops are on me pretty good here.

[sirens]

Oh, well, uh...

But I got some more bad news.

I fell asleep with a cigarette going...

restaurants on fire!

What? What?

g*dd*mn, no!

Kevin, I know the
evening didn't quite turn

out how you planned,

but I still want you to
have something so you know

I think you're a good buddy.

Nobody move!

[coughing]

This is the smoking police!

It's a raid!

[wheezing loudly]

[gurgled coughing]

Narrator: Fortunately, the
smoking police had inhaled

so much secondhand smoke
while shutting down bars,

that they were pretty easy to escape from

and everyone just walked out.

Percy: Nice job losing that cop.

No one will believe how you done that,

but what are you stoppin' here for?

You'll see.

Hey, it worked!

You put the fire out.

Thank goodness!

My next step was the septic
tank processing plant.

Narrator: Charlie
managed to drop the bar

off at its new location
before disappearing

for 24 hours just to wait until
the statute finally ran out.

Unfortunately, he had a new charge

of evading arrest to deal with.

God dammit.

First, the place is on fire,

and then there's an earthquake.

Now your plumbing blows out.

I'm never coming to this sh*t h*le again.

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong ♪

♪ With that kid ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ His dad don't like him ♪

♪ Never did ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

[singing fades]