04x13 - Letters, Legs and Booze

[bunniefuu]

[cheerful whistling music]

[snowmobile whizzing]

[snowmobile driver laughing]

[Snowmobile Driver] Yeehaw!

[metal crunching]

[uptempo jazz music]

[glass shattering]

[cheerful music]

[typewriter clicking]
So, in conclusion,

Percy: We's out of food.

Stop what you's doing,
and what ya's planning to do,

Percy: We's out of food.

[Anastasia Voiceover] Or
I swear to f*cking Christ,

I'll beat ya dead with
my bare f*cking hands.

Have a nice day,

P.S. I ain't f*cking kidding
about the beating, as*h*le.

Ain't no f*cking food
in the house, lard a*s.

I'm big boned!
[heavy electric guitar music]

Ow, ow!

[comical music]

Hey, I think you fixed my toothache.

What the hell you writing, anyways?

I'm lodging a formal
complaint against them a-holes

what's building all them
new stores and sh*t.

That's f*cking progress, eh?

They's fixing up the neighborhood.

That means property's gonna be worth more.

We could sell the house
and be swimming in cash.

Selling the house, hm?

Kevin ain't gonna like that.

[Allan whooshes through air]

You ain't getting it, Percy.

If they make the neighborhood too nice,

then everybody's gonna wanna boot us out.

[tsks] I've been kicked out

of better neighborhoods than this one.

This here f*cking house is
the only thing we got, Percy.

And I'll damned if anybody's
gonna take it from me, ever.

Now if you's will excuse me.
[Percy groans]

I'm gonna go outside and work on my tan.

Oh yeah, outside, rub it in, f*ck.

I heard it myself, Kevin.

They're selling the f*cking house!

Narrator: Kevin told his
only friend in the world

that he didn't much care
one way or the other.

Since his house was pretty
much a third world sh*thole

run by incompetent dictators.

Quit sounding like every other

spoiled teenager in the
world and listen up.

If they sell the house,
then we've got to find

a place of our own to live.

Think about that for
awhile, Kevin Spencer.

[harp music]

Ain't gold a bit heavy
to build a house out of?

[house crashing to ground]

[harp music]

A gold house, always with
the f*cking gold house.

Jesus, you get fixated sometimes.

Listen, we ain't never
gonna afford no gold house.

This house is the best
we's ever gonna get,

and if you listen to me and
arrange a nice little accident

for your parents, it'll be all ours.

But until then, it's better
than the f*cking alternative.

So you's and me's got to
get to the bottom of this

and stop fatty and stupid
from selling this place.

Narrator: Kevin still didn't understand

what all the fuss was about.

Oh well, fine then.

We'll just let them sell the house

and the new people can move in,

and they'll probably start
to renovate the place.

That means a lot of
digging around the yard.

But it's up to you, Kevin,

if you don't mind people
digging up the yard,

then it's okay with the bird.

[twangy music]

Narrator: Kevin
didn't much like the idea

of being homeless, or indicted.

So he asked his mom if it was true

they were selling the house.

No.

Narrator: Kevin was glad.

Then he wondered what he was going to do

now that the whole Three's
Company-esque dilemma

about the house was solved so quickly.

Kevin couldn't help but think

that if his life was a television show,

it would be a pretty boring one,

unless whoever was writing it

came up with a cheap and
contrived plot point real soon.

Hey, uh, hey.

Hey, hey, Kevin, I need you
to save our family, bye.

[birds chirping]

I got's to send this here
envelope to the UI office

so's they don't cut me off.

You's better not lose your UI, Percy.

I ain't gonna stay married

to no man who don't bring home no bacon.

I's grown accustomed

to a certain standard of living, you know.

[fingers snapping]

Narrator: Kevin asked his father why,

if it was so blessed important,

didn't he get off his
own fat alcoholic a*s

and mail it himself.

[Anastasia laughs]

That's a good one, boy.

'Cause I got the f*cking
ankle bracelet on, stupid,

how many times I gotta tell ya?

Narrator: Kevin had
forgotten the old man

was under house arrest, and
would violate his parole

if he stepped outside.

Which meant that he couldn't
come out and chase him,

so he told him to go make
fruity with his own p*nis.

Listen boy, you know I hate
the old man as much as anyone,

but he's right, we need the money.

So for once in your miserable,
no good, useless life,

just do what the f*ck you've been told

and mail Daddy's letter.

[comical music]

Narrator: Kevin
figured it would be easier

in the long run to take
the letter and mail it

instead of listening to his
parents, so he agreed to do it.

[funky music]

Jeez, finally, some
peace and f*cking quiet.

[jackhammer pounding concrete]

What the f*ck?

That f*cking does it!

[hip hop music]

[swordsman grunting]

[bodies whooshing through air]

[Kevin's foot smacks into swordsman]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I like this crew ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I like this crew ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Got you again, you little sucker ♪

♪ Got you again, you little sucker ♪

What a rude young man you are.

Can't you see that there
are people ahead of you?

Narrator: Kevin told the man
that he could see just fine,

and that if he wanted to
make something out of it,

he'd be more than happy
to tear him a new one.

Just what exactly is it you want,

you filthy little miscreant?

Narrator: Kevin told the
man he was delivering a letter

for his stupid, fat father,

then he told the man that
he was an ugly prick.

Then he punched the man
[people in line gasp]

in line behind him, a real
sweet one in the larynx,

because he was closer than the ugly prick,

and Kevin didn't much feel

like dragging his a*s over the counter.

[man in suit gasping for breath]

[man in suit thuds on floor]

[jackhammer pounding]

[dramatic music]

[electricity sizzles]
What the hell?

Take a coffee if you
knows what's good for ya.

Who's in charge here?

[dramatic music]

Is you the a-hole what's
running this thing?

If, by that, you mean,

am I the architect
overseeing this project,

the answer is yes.

Stop the f*cking project now, or else.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself

walking around in public like that?

Jeez, I should have figured
that you wouldn't like girls.

I adore women, you however,
are a repulsive representation

of the gender.

[Anastasia growling]

[men all laugh]

Well, since you seem
incapable of discussing this

in an adult manner, I'll
restrict my reply to this.

[Anastasia's foot
whopping architects groin]

Now are you gonna pull the
plug on this f*cking thing,

or you want some more?

[romantic music]

My name's Anastasia Spencer,
give me a call sometime.

I can go all f*cking night.

[lips smack]

[rumbling electronic music]

Sit down and have some supper, Percy,

you's gettin' on my nerves.

I gotta get out of this f*cking house

or I'm gonna go nuts.

Well, you should have thought of that

before you took your pants
off at that restaurant.

The sign said, "No shoes,
no shirt, no service."

It didn't say nothin' about no pants.

Well, live and learn.

Stupid laws are stupid.

Man, I wish I had a fake
leg, that'd be sweet.

You and your fake leg
wishing, year in, year out,

for as long as I've f*cking known ya.

"I wish I had a fake leg,
I wish I had a fake leg."

All's I'm saying is
them people got it easy.

[Kevin giggles]
Just think of what they

save on shoes, have you ever
thought of that, huh, have ya?

Come on, boy, let's
you and me get outta here.

You's can't leaves me.

Damn you, damn you all to hell.

And damn you, too, stupid leg.

[sneaky music]

OK, Kevin, here's the plan.

I'll distract the guard
while you's breaks in.

He probably ain't never been with a woman

who rocks the house like me,

so's I don't figure
he's gonna go too long.

You's gotta be quick, break
as much sh*t as you can,

and remember, if you's get caught,

it was all your idea, and I don't know ya.

Now give me five minutes to make my move.

Narrator: Kevin didn't much
care for his mother's plan,

but since he was planning
on sneaking out of the house

and vandalizing things anyway,

he figured he'd go along with it.

Then Kevin figured he'd get going.

Mostly, because he couldn't tell time,

and had no real spatial concept

of how long five minutes was.

It's only been 10 seconds, you moron.

Get back.

Look, I know he's one of your heroes,

but you gotta get a digital watch.

All them hands just confuse you.

[phone rings]

Receptionist: Emergency room.

Why yes, hello, my name is Dr. Spencer.

I'm in the middle of a
very important operation,

and I need a second opinion.

Is there a doctor what
does operations there?

Receptionist: Is this a joke?

No, I am a doctor.

Please let me speak to another doctor.

Receptionist: Go to Hell.
[phone clicks]

[dial tone beeps]

[dramatic music]

[lighter clicks]

[keypad beeps]

[phone beeping]

[phone smacking table]

[Percy chugging]

Is there a doctor what
does operations there?

Jesus Christ, I'm never
gonna get out of this place.

Unless.

[pages fluttering]

Percy, you's a f*cking genius.
[touch pad beeping]

Is this the doctor?

Great, my name is Marty the Bartender.

I'm studying to be a doctor like yourself,

and I have a big exam tomorrow.

I was just wondering, let's
say you cut off a horse's leg

someplace around the knee.

Is the horse gonna bleed to death?

Uh-huh.

What the f*ck's a tourniquet?

OK, ah-ha, right.

Narrator: Kevin was sure
it had been five minutes.

So he figured he'd better
get going with the vandalism

so his old lady wouldn't bust his hump

about being a good for nothing layabout.

But then Kevin got to thinking

that if being a good for nothing layabout

was good enough for the old man,

then it was good enough for him.

[pipe bashing against metal]
So he figured he'd just

drink a little bit of Al-cool,
just to take the edge off.

Then Kevin got to thinking
that wrecking things was fun,

even if you were doing it
just to shut your old lady up.

So he decided to hot wire a bulldozer

to do some grade-A wrecking.

[Kevin chugging]

This is more like it,

anyone can smack something with a stick,

but it takes a real man
to drive through stuff

with heavy machinery.

[playful music]

[engine chugging]

[dramatic music]

[guard sobbing]

[sighs] You's got a lot a
nerve calling yourself a man.

What you did [sobbing],

It's not human!

Well, don't say I
didn't warn ya [screams].

[bulldozer crashing through building]

Hey, man, wasn't that
your mom back there?

Ooh, fatty ain't gonna like that.

Oh well, f*ck it.

Let's you and me find some
police and have some fun.

[uptempo pop music]

Come on, come on.

Son of a b*tch.

Stupid f*cking [screams].

[playful music]

[g*n bangs]

Oh.

Stupid 80s fads.

[phone rings]

You got the Camel Toe.

Not near as bad as
my fat wife [laughs].

Hey, Marty, it's me, Percy.

I'd like to order three jugs of draft.

Have 'em ready in half-an-hour.

Why so many all at once, Percy?

I'm cuttin' off my leg
so's I can go drinking.

I'm gonna have to pound 'em back quick

so's I can get to the
hospital before I die.

OK, see you in half-an-hour.

Oh, and hey, Percy.

Put a garbage bag over the stump,

I just got the stools reupholstered.

Yeah, yeah, quit busting my chops,

I'm not a f*cking moron.

[horn blows]

[touch pad beeps]

Nah, the emergency's not yet,

but I'm gonna need an ambulance

at the Camel Toe Inn around midnight.

If they can swing by Percy Spencer's place

on the way there, that'd be great.

Tell 'em my leg's in the freezer.

I'll leave the door unlocked.

What?

Fine, f*ck, I'll take a taxi.

[off button beeps]

[chainsaw motor sputtering]

[chainsaw blade buzzing]

Ow, ow, ow, ow,
[horn honking]

ow, ow, ow.

[somber music]

Jesus, that hurt.

Hey, hey, get up.

[foot thumping on guard]

f*cking boy.

One of these days he's gonna
go too far and k*ll someone.

Jesus, I've gotta get to a hospital.

[bulldozer engine whizzing]

OK, OK, you're right,
if you was 75 feet tall,

then you probably could

crush a small economy car with your p*nis.

Can we just stop talking about it now?

Narrator: Kevin and
Allan we're running out

of things to talk about,
mostly because Kevin's life

was a long string of menial repetitions,

with little, if any new
stimulus or experiences.

Well, Kevin, when
life gives you lemons,

drive the f*cking lemons through the walls

of liquor store and steal some booze.

Narrator: Kevin didn't know too much

about fruits and vegetables,
but he told Allan

he was pretty sure you couldn't
drive a lemon anywhere,

because they didn't have
engines or steering wheels.

Well, then, let me just
simplify that for you.

If life gives you bulldozers,

then drive the f*cking
bulldozer through the wall

of the liquor store and steal some booze.

Narrator: Oh, Kevin
thought, that made sense.

As they were driving away,
Kevin asked Allan how tall

you would have to be to
crush a bus with your p*nis.



Narrator: "Son of a
b*tch," thought Kevin.

"That's some kind of tall."

[cheerful music]

[Percy glugging]

[glass shatters]
Holy Jeez, Percy,

that's a new record.

You're some kind of hero.

[Percy glugs]

[country rock music]

You know, I've been thinking, Marty.

Maybe cuttin' my leg off
wern't such a good idea.

Well, a man's gotta drink.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, set me up again.

I figure I'm gonna be in
the hospital for awhile,

so's I want to make sure

I'm nice and tanked up when I show up.

There he is.

What the?

Hey, how'd you arseholes know I was here?

You've got a bracelet
on your ankle, stupid.

I'll have you know, I cut my leg off

so's the bracelet's
still back at my place.

So who you calling stupid?

The guy who cut the wrong leg off.

What?

[comical music]

f*ck!

Oh well, it was a 50-50 shot.

[suspenseful music]

[bulldozer smashes wall]

Son of a b*tch, look at
all them broken bottles.

[dramatic music]

[wings rustling]

[lighter clicks]

[Kevin's breath whooshes through air]

Phew, it's OK, Kevin, it's Ontario wine.

We done the world a favor.

Narrator: Kevin was pretty dizzy,

because he'd banged his head

when they'd crashed through the wall,

so he figured he'd better get a gut load

of coconut rum into
himself since he figured

coconuts probably had a
lot of vitamins in them.

That's good thinking Kevin Spencer.

You should'a been a medical doctor.

Narrator: Kevin told
Allan that he thought about

becoming a doctor once.
[bubbles popping]

Mostly because he liked the idea

of performing surgery on people.

But then he decided against it,

because he didn't much care
for being the kind of person

who helped others with their problems.

Then, Kevin passed out.
[Kevin crashes on floor]

Because he'd hit his head a lot harder

than he'd first imagined,

and was suffering from
a severe concussion.

Ah, sh*t.

I told you, you should wear a helmet.

Didn't I tell you that?

See, I even made this chart
and a graphic and everything.

Well, I guess I'll see ya
when you wake up, idiot.

[light music]

[dramatic music]

[heart monitor beeping]

[solemn music]

Jesus, boy, look
what your old man done.

Narrator: Kevin told
his mom that he thought

Percy cutting his leg off

[Kevin giggling]
was one of the funniest things

he'd ever heard.

Jesus, he sure is stupid, eh, boy?

It's a wonder he ain't
k*lled himself yet [laughs].

I can f*cking hear ya, fatty.

So what?

What are you gonna do, chase me?

I'll just untie your f*cking
leg and tip you over.

Narrator: Kevin said
if it was up to him,

he'd untie his leg and tip him over,

and then beat him over
the head with his own leg.

You best be careful, or
I'll untie the f*cking thing

myself and beat ya's both with it.

Narrator: Kevin said it
wouldn't rightly matter anyway.

Since he had so many concussions,
his head had pretty much

stopped working normal, anyways.

Like it ever f*cking
did in the first place.

[laughing] You tell him, Ma.

Narrator: Kevin told him
mom she had a lot of nerve

calling him stupid,
considering she married a man

who cut his own leg off to go drinking.

[laughing] You tell her, boy.

Narrator: Then Kevin told the old man

about the only person in the
world stupider than a person

who would marry someone who
would go cut their own leg off

to go drinking was the dumb, fat prick

who cut his leg off in the first place.

[laughing] Way to stick
it to the fat prick, Kevin.

Narrator: Then, Kevin
said the only person stupider

than a person stupid enough
to cut his own leg off

to go drinking was a person
who would get this far

into a script without ever
thinking of a proper ending.

[heart monitor beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Announcer: My name is Vincent Pugnat.