05x03 - Watered Down

[bunniefuu]

[water burbling]

Announcer: The Federal
Bureau of Entertainment

approves the following program.

It's funny because as*h*le
bureaucrats say so.

Narrator: We now return
to "Crotchety Campers"

already in slow, ponderous progress.

Well, children?

A lot of funny things have happened today.

Yeah, almost as funny
as the British show

we stole this concept from.

Ahem, nevertheless, I
think we should also remember

the governing moral message.

There is a wrong way to buy shoes.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

You see, the punchline
is the camping tourists

got confused about the metric system,

and bought hiking boots that
were far too absurdly large.

It's really quite droll
if you think about it.

It is not!

It sucks big wang.

Announcer: Stay tuned for

"Big Wang: Exchange Student Detective."

[ominous music]

[fist pounds]

Wang, I want you in here!

[Wang grunting]

So Chief, you got a confounding caper?

Wang, this is big.

Oh for Christ sakes, I
thought this was a porno.

[glass tinkles]

[truck beeping]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[both screaming]

[Kevin giggling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

[rock music]

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin giggling]

Announcer: Attention,
the sex education dances

will be in the cafeteria at lunch.

[keyboard clacking]

Aboriginal self mutilation ritual?

You don't fool me, Spencer.

I can just check the
history tab on your browser,

and find out what porno
you've really been surfing.

As if you've been stud, oh dear.

You really have been
studying self mutilation

for the past three weeks, apparently.

Well, my mistake.

[girl laughing]

My bad?

More like her bad.

[girl laughing]

What is your problem?

Narrator: Kevin asked her

what the hell she was laughing at.

I wasn't laughing at you, b*ner.

[keyboard clacking]

[girl sighs]

Gosh, it's called chat.

It's where you have a
conversation on the computer

by typing to other people?

Narrator: Kevin said
he'd avoided the social side

of the internet, because as in life,

the only social things

he didn't fail at were social diseases.

Tonight we're chatting
with a music TV VJ.

Oh my god, here's the web address.

[printer whirring]

I got somethin' here.

It looks like a, oh sh*t.

No, that's a platinum card.

Ain't you put that Canadian
Hardware bill back together yet?

I still need four numbers.

Got any red paper over there?

Narrator: Every garbage
day, Percy and Anastasia

played their favorite puzzle game,

putting together the neighbors'
torn up credit card bills.

I think it's so romantic
how we do things together.

[Percy sniffs]

Did you cut one?

Yeah, pretty ripe ain't it?

It's like my love.

Silent but deadly.

I've had the squirts for three days.

What you been puttin' in the food?

I don't cook.

Uh-oh, someone's been mixing

their plastics with their paper recycling.

Two, all right.

I got enough numbers to
grift Canadian Hardware.

Finally I can unload

all this phony bullshit
Canadian Hardware money.

[man chuckles]

Spookiest money I've ever seen.

What's that Scottish guy laughin' about?

It's like he screwed you over on the deal,

and then he ain't tellin' ya.

You moron!

We can't actually go to the store.

Oh yeah, we only got receipts

so we's gotta buy sh*t over the phone.

[phone beeping]

Holy snappin' assholes,
what's that screechin'?

It's just the boy's computer machine.

Sounds more like bats to me.

Sounds like there's bats
in our telephone line.

Holy Christ, ya really think so?

Oh, don't leave me alone here!

Narrator: Kevin was enjoying
the vaguely escapist world

of interactive computer online chat.

[keyboard clacking]
[funk music]

Oowhee, what a day!

You wouldn't believe what's
been going on at work,

but confidentially, hey,
whatcha doin' there?

Chattin' with the chatterboxes?

It's just graffiti, boy.

And when there's enough
writing on the world,

the world's gonna come tumbling down.

Holy f*ck, there's bats
in the telephone line.

Don't worry, boy.

[intense music]

Narrator: Kevin explained
that there weren't any bats,

and that he was using his
computer's modulator demodulator,

or modem for short.

Ah, I blew up that snow globe I got ya

from that Mustang Ranch in Nevada.

See, I told you it was the computer.

Now drink this and calm down, you maniac.

How come I never heard
that screechin' before?

[Percy glugging]

Suppose everything seems
louder when I'm withdrawin'.

Your father promised.

This year, he's staying off the mushrooms.

Was that you, boy?

Wasn't me.

Corndog, oh it was me, damn it.

Seems anytime you drink
the tap water these days,

you spend four hours in the shitter.

[g*n fires]

Oops.

You know, I think you're right.

You remember yesterday

when I yakked up all
that macaroni and cheese?

Frig, I nearly cracked my nads

flyin' through lake puke today.

You figured on cleanin' that up?

[keyboard clacking]

Makin' your wife work when she's sick?

What kind of a b*stard are you?

[printer whirring]

Narrator: Kevin suggested the old man

exercise his democratic rights,

and go complain to City Hall.

Good thinkin', boy.

That as*h*le mayor's had a blast
of sh*t comin' for a while.

I'm bringing you with me

in case I need someone to
shield me from the b*ll*ts.

[upbeat music]

Get ready, boy.

Youse about to see democracy in action.

[plucky music]

[gentle guitar music]

All right you f*ck,
I'm here to complain.

What's up with the water?

I ain't popped a solid turd in a week.

[women screaming]

Sir, this is a yoga class.

The mayor's office isn't here anymore.

Really?

Well where is he?

I used to be able to walk in here

and lay in on that son of a b*tch

'til the cops dragged me out.

We're a mega city now, sir.

We've amalgamated with
all the surrounding areas

like Ditchburgh.

We're part of Ditchburgh?

They're all inbred welfare bums.

And what's an aggra-pomegranate mean?

Wait a minute.

Narrator: Kevin asked the old man

if he could go to the tattoo parlor

and see a strange man
he'd met on the internet.

Yeah, whatever.

Guess we should be gettin' goin'.

Sorry for buggin' ya.

Good luck with all your stripper training.

I enjoy your work.

[Percy chuckling]

Did he say the water's gone bad?

Because I don't mean to be rude,

but I really have to make an oopsy.

We're all friends here, Doris.

It's okay.

Thanks, I'd like to, but I can't

until someone helps me uncross my legs.

[gentle guitar music]

Cap, you want Cap?

I dunno.

I got EK meth.

Never heard of no Cap.

Narrator: Kevin explained

that he didn't want to buy any drugs.

No drugs, huh?

Cap, hmm.

Dope, phat, rad, fly, hip hop culture,

influence on.



[intense music]

[drill whirring]

[man screams]

You askin' for Cap?

I'm over here, but I didn't
send that message to ya.

I was advertising my shop,

and because you showed
up, you get a free tattoo.

Narrator: Kevin said he
had enough tattoos already.

He wanted to explore forms

of self mutilation that
were more original.

Whatever, kid.

Check out the catalogs
until you make up your mind.

I'm also fully licensed to
do piercings, liposuction,

skin engravings with scar tissue,

and I'm frequently complimented
for my work with henna.

[upbeat music]

Abtronic?

And it didn't cost me a dime.

[Percy chuckles]

Stupid f*ck' McNoughtons.

A few days on this thing,

and I'll fit into my
superhero costume again.

[Percy chuckles]

Can't wait to see the
look on the wife's face

when she sees all the chicks I get.

[device whirring]
[Percy groaning]

b*stards.

[Percy retches]

[Percy gasping]

Damn, I'm losing weight already.

[low key music]

Narrator: After a few days,

Kevin became part of the tattoo culture.

He even helped wash all
the needles once a month,

just to make sure they stayed sterile.

You sure like hangin' out here.

Don't blame ya.

A lot of kids like to come down

and see the famous celebrities.

Celebrities?

Almost every kid who hangs out here

has their picture on a telephone pole,

speaking of which,

why don't you call your mom, Janine?

f*ck her!

She should have the whole
g*dd*mn police force

out looking for me 24 hours a day.

Sure, great use for my taxes.

Narrator: Kevin told the tattoo artist

that he made up his mind

about what form of physical
maiming he'd enjoy acquiring.

Still won't settle for a tattoo huh?

Well then, what do you want?

Holy frig!

And you want this done in
time for the flower festival?

Better take a chair, kid.

I'll do some of the early work now.

[drill whirring]

[horns blaring]
[plucky music]

Narrator: The new City Hall

was a lot farther away than the old one,

and Percy was getting a little pissed off

dealing with rush hour traffic,

and the roving mobs of
road raging anger junkies.

Jesus, I can't sit still
like this for too long.

Someone might phone in my license plate.

[horns blaring]

[nun screams]

For f*ck's sakes, what are you
all acting so Ret*rded for?

I'll teach those Sunday driving amateurs

what road rage is all about.

[people shouting]

[tires squealing]

[glass tinkling]

[flames crackling]

Christ, I'm an idiot.

[people cheering]

[plucky music]

I'm here.

I'm here to see the mayor.

Drinking water in my neighborhood's

makin' everyone sh*t themselves.

It's bad enough my f*ck'
life's in the toilet,

but I can't drink the water?

Well, we'll be like Mexico.

You can make an appointment

to meet the deputy mayor
in three months, sir, okay?

He'll be having an open session

to listen to ax grinders like you.

Now, if you don't mind,

any other crazy lefties out here, hm?

How's about I just
kick your a*s instead?

You could try, but
I'm a hologram, okay?

[ominous music]

Fine.

I'm going then.

[upbeat music]

[Percy glugging]

[Percy belching]

[dragonfly buzzing]

[swatter smacks]

[Percy sneezes]

f*ck' allergies.

What's with all the
f*ck' flowers everywhere?

Damn it, Percy, I keep
tellin' ya every year.

The flower festival's comin'!

Oh, what's up your a*s?

g*dd*mn drinking water's so screwed up

I can't water down my booze anymore.

Everyone can smell it!

[Percy sniffs]

The line up for the
toilet's gettin' stupid.

[men whimpering]

Why don't we get us some lawyers?

We could sue the government.

That's pretty feeble.

[Percy glugging]

If you want to talk
to the mayor so bad,

why don't you catch him in
the flower festival parade?

Every year, some lucky Boy Scout

gets to spend an entire weekend
in the woods with the mayor.

They're always in the
parade before they go.

Too bad it ain't a beauty contest,

'cause it if was a beauty
contest, I would win, and we...

[suspenseful music]

Well, you could at least
pretend like it was a good idea,

for Christ's sake, think of my feelings!

Are ya done, fatty?

I'll find some way to get in that parade.

Then I'll give that prick what for

for callin' me an ax grinder.

[Percy sneezes]

Marty: Did you say ax monkey?

[intense music]

No, why?

What?

Ax monkey.

Why would I say that?

I, I didn't say anything.

[intense music]

[ominous music]

[drill whirring]

[thunder booms]

A triumph boy, a triumph!

You've made belly button
rings seem so last year.

Narrator: Kevin had gotten
Cap to stretch his neck

like the Mongolian Padaung tribe.

Normally, the process takes several years,

but Kevin didn't have that kind of time.

He had to get to the flower festival,

and celebrate the season of new beginnings

by showing off to everyone in town

how much better he was than they were.

So avant garde, so shi-shi!

[Kevin giggling]

Welcome to the flower festival parade,

brought to you by Charlie Plun Fertilizer.

Your bugs will think
your flowers are tops.

Dave: This group of majorettes

comes to us from Miss
Honeywell's Collegiate,

voted by national education professionals

as the sexiest girls'
school in the country.

g*dd*mn, you're a pervert, Dave.

That's what the cops
keep tellin' me, Frank.

They look so great.

It's almost a shame to tell them

that their school will be closed
in next year's budget cuts.

What?

Frig, assholes!

[upbeat music]

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ I'm f*ck' dancing ♪

sh*t!

Announcer: And here comes the mayor,

and the lucky Boy Scout

who gets to spend a weekend
in the woods with him,

roughing it up.

[pogostick boinging]

Wait a minute!

Some maniac's trying to crawl
into the mayor's convertible.

I hope it's not the boy's father.

I'd hate a repeat of last year.

[crowd cheering]

[driver screams]

[tires squeal]

Please, take the boy, take the boy!

I just wanna know what's
up with the drinking water.

[tires squealing]

We've been having some
problems, but please!

We encourage people to use bottled water

until we've sorted this
troublesome issue out.

Bottled water?

The name ain't Rockefeller, arsehole.

I need that money for
essentials, like rolling paper.

I promise, if you let us go,

we'll look into the matter.

What kind of coward's

gotta shield himself with a small boy?

Are you gonna fix the
drinking water or what?

No.

[intense music]

[car crashing]

[insects chirping]
[eerie music]

[dramatic music]

[gavel banging]

Percy Spencer?

You stand accused of assaulting
the mayor during a parade.

Let's make this swift justice, shall we?

Our case is simply self defense.

By poisoning my client's drinking water,

the city perpetrated nothing
less than an as*ault.

An as*ault against which my client,

indeed any citizen, is legally
entitled to self defense.

Prosecution witness?

Tick tock, the links
close at seven, folks.

Mr. Spencer.

Did you not fraudulently acquire

an Abtronic muscle building
device two weeks ago?

Maybe.

[lawyer sighs]

Would you stand up and show the court

what you're wearing right now?

Were you aware that this device

resulted in violent diarrhea

in one out of 10 billion people?

No, assboy.

The witness will remain
silent and answer the question.

What?

Contempt.

Your honor, it's reasonable doubt.

That sounds like
reasonable doubt to me.

sh*t.

[funk music]

Wait, I want to call the
Spencer boy to the stand.

[funk music]

Kevin Spencer, was your
father suffering from

an expl*sive bowel disorder

before he scammed the Abtronic?

Narrator: Kevin said he'd like to

answer the question in song.

He then removed all the bath fixture plugs

he'd installed in his throat,

and played a tune on his windpipe.

[gentle flute music]

[people sobbing]

[judge sniffles]

Oh, that was wonderful, young man.

Couldn't have been more
beautiful if you were castrated.



[gavel bangs]

[upbeat music]

Welcome home, baby.

That 90 days didn't seem
so long, now did it?

I was beat unconscious
through most of it.

Hey look, after all that,

the boy's still drinkin' the water.

It's a good thing we're alchys.

Wouldn't wanna meet a poor b*stard

who actually has to drink this sh*t.

Narrator: Kevin didn't know

what his parents were griping about.

Thanks to all the chemicals, estrogen,

antidepressants, and
mood altering substances,

for the first time, a
cool glass of tap water

was giving him a pretty good buzz.

[funk music]

[Kevin coughs]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

Percy: Holy snappin'
arseholes, what's that screechin'?

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[water burbling]