05x05 - Plan 9 from Project Housing

[bunniefuu]

[bright tones]

[whimsical music]

[suspenseful music]

[Kevin blowing]

[siren wailing]

[pinball dings]

Freaking high tech line.

[trombone sounds]

[suspenseful music]

[woman yelling]

Help!

He's

cleaning me!

It's too late for us boy!

Save yourself!

And get some smokes.

[boy screams]

[loud expl*si*n]

[truck beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ There's something wrong with that kid. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Dad don't like you, he never did. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[giggling]

[birds chirping]

Oh yeah, them dogs is barking!

[crowd cheers as chainsaw revs]

Announcer: Before there was WWF,

before the WCW,

there was NQW!

NQW?

Holy frick I thought that was outlawed.

Announcer: All your
favorite stereotypes are back.

The Arab guy.

The German guy.

The Anglo guy.

And the White Tr*sh

Hillbilly!

Don't look like any white
trash hillbilly I've ever seen.

Announcer: The League
that kicked out Vince McMahon

for being a p*ssy, now stirs from prison

to remind the world, who's numero une?!

NQW, they actually wedged
a guy in half one time.

And it's coming to the Astrohole!

Let's get in line for tickets.

Narrator: The Astrohole was a stadium,

punched out of the ground by a meteorite,

and which scientists said
still contain dangerous levels

of unexplained radiation.

Which is why the city
got the land for a saw.

Look at that really old
wrestler Gotchy the Gitch.

He would have been famous
if anyone could figure out

what the hell he was supposed to be.

[walkers clashing]

Give them a second boy

give them a second.

Look Kevin, you're here with your people.

Like that genius over there.

Or that northern woman
with that sexy tooth.

It's the biggest White Tr*sh
family reunion in the world.

Crap I only got enough for one ticket.

Oh boo-woo,

I ain't going to go

to the big wrestling game.

Fine, it takes a man

to appreciate a sport
like wrestling anyhow.

Narrator: Kevin asked
why they call it wrestling,

when it should be called
transparently fake man grabbing

by closeted g*y muscle men.

What the f*ck!

Are you trying to get us k*lled?

I'm telling ya, there
ain't nothing more manly

than watching sweaty men in loud outfits

rubbing their bodies all over each other.

[whimsical music]

Good thing we had time to do a grocery.

Let's see.

I got beer, wine, gin.

Oh, I better get some coffee
just to keep some fluid in me.

Why don't ya let me put
some fluid in ya. [laughing]

Barista: Low-caf,
short-caf, ice frappe,

jumbo latte, super mocha,
whip, half-fat, to go.

Gimme a coffee for the old lady.

What kind do you want dude?

Coffee, coffee for the old lady.

[harp chords]

[funky percussion]

You'll have to be more specific.

What's with all these snooty coffees?

Where's the one that says coffee,

like you got at the truck stop?

Well if you're so damn smart,

why don't you make it yourself?

Fine, I will.

Should we a bet tight-a*s,

that's how we cook it up in the joint!

[grumbling]

[dishes crashing]

[sniffs]

[barista screaming]

[accordion music]

Where did you learn to concoct

such a bold, challengingly
eccentric blend.

Prison.

Just when you've had
it up to your humidor

with the pretentiousness of urban life,

along comes Prison Blend.

It has an extra kick
because I used a dirty sock

as a filter.

[slurping] Mmm, oh.

It's like a service dish
in a men's room in a cup.

How much do you want for the recipe?

[upbeat ska music]

Who the f*ck are you?

We're Habitat for Humility.

And we're on a crusade
through the neighborhood

to put poor people together
in identical modular housing.

Boys says we's got to
move into a new house!

Great that means the boy's gonna dig up

all the pet skeletons in the yard again.

Dear students,

continuing budget cuts mean
we can no longer subscribe

to the Safe Schools Act.

So instead, we're going to place the task

of ensuring the mental health

of the school's population on you,

the students.

We're starting a peer counseling program!

Narrator: Kevin asked
if being a peer counselor

would help him deal with his own issues,

like substance abuse

or how he was growing
hair in weird places.

Um, eh, um, sort of, I-I don't know.

It's what the other schools are doing.

[students laughing]

What are you asking me for?

Boy if you become a peer counselor,

you'll become popular because
everyone will have to come

and tell their problems to you.

[Kevin laughing]

[angry crowd yelling]

We don't want filthy scum
like this in our community.

Told you to wear the blue outfit.

Yeah, why can't we
put them in work camps?

Work?!

[screaming]

Narrator: The Spencer's
watched the construction

of the new modular housing
project with excitement.

When the family was
told they were expected

to help the volunteers
construct their new home,

they didn't quite caught
into the idea of helping out.

You want me to work?

You pay me bail.

Your house is ready!

Here's our new address,
let's go find the place.

[whimsical music]

It's your final day of
training, so pay attention.

You'll be in charge of the
mental wellbeing of your peers.

This is our only day of training?

Regardless, let's do an exercise.

Kevin, a fellow student has just told you

that she's doing drugs.

I'm doing drugs, what should I do?

What did he write?

It says give your drugs to me now.

Hmm, well he did try to
stop you from taking the drugs.

Close enough, you've passed.

[Kevin laughing]

Narrator: The next day, Kevin found

that there seemed to be a similarity

in the problems teenagers had

with dealing with the real world.

The problem was, most of
them didn't live in it.

And then I got to 11-98
I didn't k*ll someone.

That is kinda a line for five days.

And then my dad left.

What should I do?

And then I watched
the entire DVD collection

of Sex in the City.

And then I watched it again, and again,

and again, and again, and again.

Narrator: Both of them seemed

to be caffeine addicted video junkies

with little to no social skills.

[harp chords]

Bunch of hypocrites.

Bunch of filthy abusing hypocrites,

jacking themselves off on
coffee and computer videos.

Picking on you, 'cause you sneak a sip

of coffee every once in a while.

And now you're the whiskybree?!

What are you doing out of gardens anyhow?

The inmates have taken over the asylum.

Narrator: Kevin reminded Alan

the whole peer counseling thing

had been his stupid
idea in the first place.

Always my fault!

This relationship is always my fault!

[harp chords]

Hey, Spencer, wake up.

So you're one of those
new peer counselors.

Well I guess I'll have
to talk to you then.

See I made that Shauna chick pregnant.

What should I do?

I was just joking.

Man you're such a gullible as*h*le.

Hey come over to my place later.

I got the new digital cable,

and I want to show you something cool.

Narrator: Kevin asked Timmy why it was

such a big deal to have all these channels

when the shows were eventually going to be

on regular free television anyways.

Yeah but this way, I see it first.

See, before everyone.

I'm one of the first
ones to see it, by weeks!

Well there's other cool
stuff about digital too.

Like if you know what you're doing,

you can map the cable grid

to find out what anyone else is watching.

What's your address?

So right now, we can see
what they're watching

at your house.

[head crashing]

Aw frig, who's supposed
to live in these ant farms?

Ants!

You don't know when
you got it good baby.

[doorbell ringing]

Hello, welcome to the community.

I'm Helen from 34.

I'm Perthy from 69 baby [chuckles].

Hey what the?

I really do live at 69?

How do you like them apples!

It's like living in heaven after you died.

I just wanted to drop by

and welcome you to the neighborhood

and mention that Mrs.
Henderson's husband is going

to prison again.

But what can you expect
from those types of people.

People like that seem
destined to mooch off society.

No sh*t, really.

With the shoe horn huh.

Narrator: Kevin was also
enjoying the new neighborhood,

and was using the skills
he'd learn in peer counseling

to organize the troubled teen kids

into one of the best
smash and grab teams ever.

They committed vandalism and petty crime

in a more successfully organized
fashion than ever before.

Okay everything's set.

I'm looking through every
security cam in the projects,

and there isn't a cop for miles.

Mission is go!

I'm disabling the cable alarm system.

Make your move.

Forney, oh.

[snoring] Oh Mr. Kennedy,

is your whole family this horny,

or just the President.

[crashing around room]

Score!

[over radio] I've already
sold everything we've stolen

on Ebay and invested the
profits in high-yield bonds.

Congratulations, team.

Jesus Christ the
neighborhood's gone downhill.

Hey baby, I'm home.

Who the hell are you?

Who am I?

Who are you, freak?

Ain't this 69?

No.

Holy f*ck, the wrong house.

And I ain't even wasted

because it all looks the same.

[angry mob yelling]

Ah now what's going on?

There was a robbery in
the neighborhood last night.

We need vigilante justice!

Vigilante justice?

That sounds almost the
same as prison justice.

I'm your man.

I'm tired of watching this
neighborhood go down the shitter.

Meet me at my place tonight,
and we'll clean up this place.

[crowd cheering]

[door slams]

Want to keep it down.

I'm trying to improve
my mind with the news.

Boys have no leads as yet

as to the identity of
these high tech burglars.

In other news, Caff-Coff
Coffee Corporation was forced

to recall it's new Prison
Blend brand coffee.

Yes, we're recalling the flavor.

We've discovered drinking
it causes customers

to hallucinate and maintain
protracted erections.

And finally tonight, the
city has wrestling fever!

Holy f*ck, I nearly
forgot the wrestling match.

Freaking turd, turd memory.

Uh yeah, uh listen, uh,

the whole vigilante justice
thing's going to have to wait.

I just gotta go do something.

It won't take long, I swear.

Don't worry Spencer.

I've got security in the area locked out,

and my mom's occupied.

Make your move.

Female: Loving by the Numbers,

by Porn Man and Afro Man.

A clinical sensitive
way to bring sensuality

back to your relationship.

Today we're going to learn step 69.

Yes it's something you can do

to ensure your wife gets
full sexual satisfaction.

Step one, phone us

at 555-7439 now.

That's right.

We'll make sure your
wife's 100% satisfied.

Announcer: But first, let's check out

the wrestling action at Astrohole Stadium.

[crowd cheering]

And now, for the
final match of the night,

the White Tr*sh Hillbilly
versus Super Priest.

Priest, how are you gonna win this one?

I'm gonna pass him in the corner,

and then I'm gonna lick him!

He means that literally folks.

[bell ringing]

[loud punches]

Hey that guy's using a chair,

and the referee ain't even noticing.

I don't have to sit here and take that.

Vigilante justice!

[silly country music]

[screams]

Perfect, now I just
hack into the digital cable

to disable the alarms and [alarm beeping]

Hey, hey what the hell?

[loud alarm siren]

Mom!

Did you lock out my cable access?

It's for your own good son.

You've been watching too much television.

Timmy: [yelling] Mom!

[dog barking in distance]

What do we do!?

Run!

[police sirens wailing]

Ahhh, you certainty
saved the day for me my son.

No problem Super Priest.

I always figured I'd be a good wrestler,

on the account of being fat.

One time I fell asleep on
to of the wife during sex,

and she passed out from
the lack of oxygen.

[sniffs] Hmm, something smells familiar.

Ah Jeremy, wouldn't you like

to see one of my best wrestling moves?

Not really.

Hey, whoa!

[clothes ripping]

Holy f*ck you wrestlers
are a bunch of big fruity--

Ahhh no!

[loud crashes and screaming]

So how was your big wrestling show?

A f*cking pain the a*s.

I'm afraid your family
is being moved back

to your old house.

You're the first people in the history

who actually lowered the property
value of project housing.

Gather your belongings,
and be out by noon.

[funky music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Dad don't like you, never did ♪

Teen Girl: And then I
watched it again, and again,

and again, and again.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross me pal ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath! ♪