06x01 - Home Improv-ment

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[students yelling]
[bell ringing]

For the last time, if Kevin
doesn't take an extra credit,

he'll have to repeat the entire year,

including summer school!

Yeah, well, what are we
supposed to do about it?

The longer he's in school

the more we got the house to ourselves.

Nice being able to put my
d*ck down on the kitchen table

without weirdo here walking in on us.

Yeah, we ain't really cooked
in the kitchen for a while.

Excuse me.

Jeez, can't you just make him

join some sports team or something?

No, sports are out!

Putting him in the school change room

would only expose his problem
with his you-know-what.

Yeah, it ain't normal-sized.

Hey, speaking of which,
where's your piss cupboard?

The washroom is
outside and to the left.

As you can see, Mrs. Spencer,

here's a list of possible
core curriculum alternatives.

Now, they are organized in terms of--

Uh-huh, yeah, whatever, yeah, uh-huh.

[unseen person grunting, farting]

Come on, come on!

What would Evel Knievel do?

That's it!

So here's your choices, boy.

You can take quilting,
full-contact origami,

or this last one,

this here, uh, bullshit team improv crap.

[monkey squeaking]

[eagle and monkey screaming]

Full-contact origami!

[giggling]

Looks like the boy's penned again.

Just sign him up for
that fruity improv crap.

Jeez, what's taking Percy so long?

[engine revving]

What the--
Yee-haw!

Not again!

What in God's name were you thinking?

I was thinking that was
the window to the bathroom.

Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

You might want to look the other way.

[Anastasia laughs]

[zipper unzips]
[urine splashes]

Narrator: Kevin was
really mad at his parents

for agreeing to put him in
the school improve league,

because for the most part,

theater students were fat dickwads.

[chugging]

[glass shatters]

[belches] Look at the upside:

at least it's theater,

so it ain't like they're teaching anything

to make you employable.

In fact, I think the
only job you could get

is that stupid improve TV show.

TV Announcer: We'll
be right back with more

Why the f*ck Can't You
Shut Up Anyways after this.

[doorbell rings]

TV Announcer: Yes ladies, it's coming.

Lilithe Fest.

See all your favorite
female Canadian performers.

Yes, both of them!

Take back the power and
come to the one place

where you'll feel completely
welcome and accepted.

Unless you're a white heterosexual male,

in which case you can go f*ck yourself.

Now, back to more sexist
mainstream television.

TV Narrator: Stay tuned
for the hot new game show,

Celebrity Breast Exam.

All right!

[audience clapping]

Mmm, hmm.

Is it Queen Latifah?

[buzzer buzzes]

Wrong sex.
[audience groans]

[doorbell rings]

[knocking on door]

Jesus Christ, Lilithe Fest is coming.

I bet every lesbo in town is
gonna drag her a*s to that one.

[banging on door]

[doorbell ringing rapidly]

All right, don't get your
knickers in a f*ck' knot!

Hey Ma, wake up and
answer the f*ck' door!

Anastasia: Kiss my a*s,
you lazy sack of sh*t!

Fine then, I'll just get
off the freaking couch, again!

What do you want?

Holy f*ck, it's you!

Well, if it isn't
Anastasia's lesser half.

Hey Ma, it's your stupid
l*sbian ex-girlfriend.

Suppose you're here to try

and take her away from me again, huh?

And just what are
you gonna do about it?

Yeah, well, I think she
went off to bed anyway, so--

Vivica, are you on leave?

Or are you AWOL again?

Lilithe Fest is in town, baby.

Why don't you dump Chumpsy for a few days?

Well, I was just tidying up

for when Children's Aid
comes for an inspection.

[sighs]

But I'm sure Percy can handle it.

Let's go!

How do you stay so hot?

It's my secret formula:

apples and laxative.
[Kevin giggling]

Ma, come back!

With some food and sh*t on your way home!

[soft rock music]

♪ I've got a thing for ugly girls ♪

♪ I'm so sad ♪

So, how's it been going?

We've been in the Gulf, Anastasia.

I had to k*ll a man with
my bare hands last month.

Wow.

Your nails look great, considering.

Some days, when we're
in a w*r-torn country,

I see a big stinkin' crater in the ground

and I think of you.

Vivica, you make me feel
like such a dirty wh*re.

Hey, let's get a pogo and
watch Sarah McLachlan.

We don't sell anything as phallic

as sexist male pogos here.

Only the comforting warm
fur of cotton candy.

[munching loudly]

[sighs]

All: And gather here in
the spirit of good fellowship,

and most importantly, to have a good time.

Welcome to the first day
of our improv games training.

I'm your instructor, Pascal Gobsmear.

And I want you all to feel confident

because I'm gonna have this improv team

tighter than a sparrow's fart in no time!

Narrator: Kevin asked
what the hell improv was.

Improv is a way for theater
students to express creativity

in a competitive environment.

Here's an example.

Stand behind me and put your arms out.

No, really, it's okay.
[students laughing]

See?

Now move your arms as if to wave hello.

[students laughing]

Very good.

Now make a thumbs up.

You see?

Now, as we go through with the scene,

you move your arms as if they're my arms.

Actually, I don't [coughs].

I don't smoke, okay?

Ow!
[students laugh]

Okay, well, there's no
reason for me to hit myself

in this scene.

Ow! Kevin, you're not understanding.

Stop! Ow!

Stop it!

No, that's my wallet.

Narrator: Kevin said he
thought trying to be creative

in a competitive
environment seemed stupid.

Oh, really?

Don't tell that to the students

in our speed painting program!

And begin.

[blows whistle]

Time's up!

They all look like sh*t.

Now do it again, and
this time do it right!

[students crying]

Here Kevin, I'll
show you how to improv.

I need a suggestion, something
you wear on your feet.

[clock ticking]

[bell dings]

Narrator: Kevin suggested shoes.

Okay, so now we're
going to improvise a scene

that involves shoes.

Mom, are you home?

Yes, I'm here, making you dinner

because I love you so much.

I hate you, mother!

No, I hate you!

No, I hate you!

No, I hate you!

No, I hate you!

No, I hate you!

I hate you!

Hey, nice shoes.

Both: Scene!

Brilliant!

Judges?



That's absurd!

It was a stupendous scene.

Narrator: Kevin learned
an interesting variety

of theatrical games,
all geared to teach him

valuable life lessons
and spontaneous thinking,

and incessant teen whining.

And he met a lot of new people,

like the kid who always yells,

regardless of the scene he's in.

Maybe if you were a better father,

I wouldn't be on drugs!

Maybe Mom wouldn't be a rageaholic!

Why don't you just leave
and never come back?

Thank you, Baxter.

A wonderful Christmas memory indeed.

Narrator: And the
student who everyone reveres

because she can summon up bullshit tears

whenever the scene is
loaded with familial angst.

Shawna!

You go so deep to get your emotions!

You scare me sometimes!

Who do you want for a partner
for the next scene, huh?

I think Kevin and I should be partners.

Very well.

The theme of the story game
is a sacrifice for love.

Leave this to me and don't
try to steal focus from me.

Pascal: And go.

Darling, I bought the
pills just like you said,

and now all we have to
do is take this poison

and we can finally be together,

nestled in the embrace of death.

Ours is a love that can only be sanctified

in the covenant of suicide!

What do you think, Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin told
Shawna that he thought--

I told you not to steal
focus, you little b*stard!

[crickets chirping]

What the f*ck happened to you?

Oh, nothing.

I just felt like getting a henna tattoo.

Bullshit, it's that peacekeeper chick.

The only piece she's after is you.

We're just friends, don't worry.

These will wash off eventually.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna wash
my brain with some alcohol

and forget we ever met that chick.

What the hell are you
being so preachy for?

It's not like you didn't bang her first!

Yeah, but I was just
tearing off some a*s.

I wasn't there talking
all lovey-dovey to her

and acting all f*ck' moist!

I'm outta here!

Forgot my lighter.

[bar patrons conversing]

[buzzer buzzes]
[crowd cheering]

Come on boy, I'm not in
the mood for hockey no more.

Hey Kevin, they're talking
about your faggy theater sh*t

on the TV.

Generic Public School

will be going to the National
Improv finals this year.

The National Improv games
have historically been a way

for teens with no sports
or academic ability

to feel like they're still
doing something useful.

And as long as no one
tells them otherwise,

they remain happy and harmless.

This will do wonders for my career!

I haven't been this excited

since I performed Sartre's No Exit

in Goose Bay with Megan Follows.

Percy: Change it back, arsewipe!

And how do you feel the
students ultimately benefit

from this event?

Uh.

Hmm.

Can I get back to you?

Holy sh*t, boy, I just had an idea

so good it's like Einstein Schweitzer!

Your mom and I will take you
to that big improv derby.

That way your mom can cool off
from that crazy army chick.

And I'll sponsor you!

Here, wear this onstage.

Where the hell do
you think you're going?

I'm taking my wife on a trip.

The woman I married before
youse ever banged her.

My wife.

[sad music]

Anastasia, don't leave!

I brought you this.

The f*ck, why would
she want you when I've got

the only heat-seeking m*ssile
she ever needed right here?

Wow, everybody's fighting over me!

Belt up, fatty.

We're leaving and there's
nothing Brush-cut Bulldyke

can do about it.

Smell ya later, Captain Crunch.

[tires squealing]

Oh, there's something
I can do, all right.

I can follow at a discreet distance

in my vehicle.

[gasps]

[laughs] Arse.

'Cause it's where all the rich
people park their arses, eh?

[laughs]

Come on, Kevin, we can explore
backstage before the show.

Remember that magician who knew

how to make an elephant vanish?

There it is.

Look, cool!

Here's the machine that made it look

like Victor Borge could play piano.

Wow, costumes!

Look at me, Kevin, I'm Dr. Faustus

and I've sold my soul to the Devil

for power and influence!

Come on [giggles], don't be scared.

Look, we're so high.

So what do you think, Kevin?

Should I jump?

[eerie music]

Would you try and stop me? [giggles]

Kevin?

Kevin, what's wrong?

Come back!

[giggles]

[crowd murmuring]

Referee: We need a
suggestion from the audience.

Audience Member: Shoes!

All right, improvers,
you have three minutes

to create a scene involving
shoes, starting now!

Where the hell is Kevin?

Oh my God, oh my God!

No!
[Kevin squeaking]

Narrator: The rush of being on stage

in front of thousands of people

put Kevin in the throes of
hysterical conversion disorder.

As far as he was concerned,
he was a gladiator

in a Roman arena, battling the ax monkey

in a fight to the finish.

Oh look, a giant monkey
is on stage with us,

and he is not wearing any shoes.

That's right, where are his shoes?

Uh, yeah, that's good!

Narrator: The other
performers tried to improvise

around the scene, but
it was pretty pointless.

You're holding your sign backwards.

Look at our boy making
us proud down there!

Running around, waving his little arms,

making a big fool of himself.

He's gonna be the next Art Hindle

or maybe Christopher Plummer.

I don't care if he's
the next Liquid-Plumr.

I don't even care if
he's the next Flipper.

Theater's for wimps.

[audience members shushing]

Narrator: Percy still didn't
share Anastasia's enthusiasm

over Kevin's adventures in dramaturgy.

All's I'm saying

is why couldn't he do
something more manly?

What's wrong with the
school rollerball team?

Rollerball?

That was just a movie!

I keeps telling ya,

there ain't no so such
thing as rollerball!

Life just gets shittier every minute.

[slurping drink]

[whistle blows]
[crowd cheers]

Okay, it's time for the final event.

We need one final suggestion
from the audience.

Yeah, I got a suggestion.

How about my son Kevin Spencer's
a big stupid fruity pie

with all his sissy, short-a*s
theater limp-d*ck friends,

and they should all get jobs

and stop f*ck' around,
playing make believe onstage

all the time, and uh, like that.

[audience members gasp]

Wait, I'm not finished!

Oh, okay, I was finished!

Jesus Christ, there's one every year.

Okay, the suggestion is,

"my son Kevin Spencer is
a big stupid fruity pie

"with all his sissy, short-a*s
theater limp-d*ck friends,

"and they should all get jobs

"and stop f*ck' around,
playing make believe onstage

"all the time, and uh, like that."

You have three minutes to do the scene.

And go!

Hey, uh, ooh!

Hands off there! Ow!

Not over the rail!

[screams]

You have two minutes left.

[Percy panting]

[crowd yelling angrily]

Good idea, boy.

[crowd yelling angrily]

Come on, baby, you gotta help me hide

over by that w*r memorial.

That ain't no w*r memorial!

It's Corporal Vivica!

What?

Looks like she's gone nuts again

and stole a tank to come and kidnap me!

It's so freakin' romantic
I could just sh*t!

Hold on!

Hey, you win, you can have her!

She's always f*ck' around on me anyway.

Come on, Annie, time for me

to show you my heat-seeking m*ssile.

Percy: [screams] Holy freakin'!

[Percy screaming]

Narrator: Kevin's team had
won the National Improv games,

but their theater program was cut anyways,

which was just as well,

since the biggest acting job he'd done yet

was acting like any of this stupid sh*t

interested him in the first place.

Uh yeah, get me some nuggets,

and don't cheat me on the
tartar sauce this time!

Pascal: I admire your alacrity!

Your wild goose nuggets await!

[laughs] You're that
fruity theater teacher!

Yes, times are a bit
tough at the moment,

but I'm hoping this children's version

of Titus Andronicus I
auditioned for comes through.

Now please, move along.

We have other customers waiting.

[engine rumbling]

[Percy screams]

[upbeat music]