06x02 - Don't Fear the Reefer

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

Hey lady, I'll give you
$20 for a blow in the car.

You filthy degenerate
rapscallion, I'm not a prost*tute!

What, no, I mean I need someone sober

to blow into this breathalyzer

they got hooked up to my ignition.

Car won't start otherwise.

I'm not helping a drunk driver!

It's Gatsby all over.

C'mon, just one blow.

I only had a few dozen rusty nails.

Careless gadabout!

You say I got syphilis?

Hell with it, hell with you
then, I'll find someone else.

[cat meowing]

[laughs] Come here, come here, kitty.

[cat screeching]
Let go of my hand! [screams]

♪ Yeah, Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Yeah, Kevin Spencer ♪

[energetic western music].

Well, well, lords and ladies,

ain't this a plate of mashed potat'.

Stand and deliver, you
salacious sacks of seagull sh*t.

I'm highwayman Tom Goose,
and I'm here to rob you.

Narrator: Kevin asked Allan,

what his frigging problem was.

I'm here to take
something away from you, boy.

I'm here to rob you of your pain.

Narrator: Kevin explained
that as a violent sociopath,

he didn't experience a lot
of the usual emotional pain

that typically tempers the growth

of a behaviorally adjusted adult.

Oh, wake up already, boy,

you ain't gonna live to
adulthood. [laughing]

[truck horn blaring]

[cars screeching and honking]

[thudding]

[car engine whirring]

[car tires screeching]

[loud crash]

What the hell is goin' on out here?

Whoa, look at those crop circles,

it's like a sign or something.

[slow somber music]

[anastacia burping]

Jesus Christ, Percy!

It's you, were you driving drunk?

No way, I swear!

Last thing I remember,

we were just cruising around the prairie.

[harp music]

[chickens clucking]

Percy: Yay, the prairie!

[calm banjo music]

Whoopee, more frickin' prairies.

Geez, this is boring,

can't there be a tornado or something?

[calm banjo music]

[shouting] Christ all-f*cking-mighty,

enough with the g*dd*mn prairies already!

I'm going crazy, it's so god-awful boring!

Percy, why don't you say something?

Baby, what's wrong with your eyes?

I'm tired.
What?

I'm tired and it's all
a lot of f*cking baloney!

What's baloney, what the
hell are you talking about?

I'm tired, it's a
lot of f*cking baloney!

I'm tired, it's a lot of baloney!

Percy, Percy, snap out of it!

I'm tired, I'm tired
of the f*cking baloney!

[punching]
Oh, ouch!

Thanks babe, holy frig, I
guess I blew a gasket there.

If we don't do something
to stop being so bored,

I'm gonna have to k*ll
you people, or something.

I know something that'll distract ya'.

Look out the window, boy,

mama's gonna help daddy steer.

[comedic funky music]

Percy: Oh, baby.
[cars screeching]

We can put on some sexy music.

Well, then we had at her,

and I guess we must have
fell asleep or something.

[laughs] Yeah, the prairies
are pretty g*dd*mn boring.

I thought Percy was
drunk at the wheel again,

thank goodness he was only
being homicidally irresponsible.

Why you being such a preachy prick?

Go suck your bong before you
tell me how to run my life,

you pothead hippy.

Hey that's not fair,
I'm trying to cut down!

They're thinking of decriminalizing it.

See, it's all over the news.

Welcome to Suspiciously
Convenient News.

Everyone's talking
about decriminalization.

The government is debating
whether to wave the laws

making it ill*gal to possess

less than 30 grams of mariajuana.



I don't like Percy smoking that stuff

on a count it makes him impotent.

I find it helps me
be creative. [farting]

Oh yeah, me too.

Look at what I made out
of straws the other day.

Geez, even your statue's impotent.



What, well I guess I
been meaning to anyways,

if I have to and why not?

I'm gonna show you people!

I'm gonna quit the stuff right now.

I'll have my short-term memory back,

I'll remember what it means not
being paranoid all the time.

I won't have to pay
Hydro a million kilowatts

for ultraviolet lamps, I'll do it!

For two weeks and I wanna
see the money up front.

Ya' start tomorrow!

Tomorrow, whoa!

I was thinking maybe next
February or something.

Tomorrow!

Narrator: Anastasia
wasn't about to trust Charlie

on a $50 bet so she
left Kevin to keep watch

and make sure he didn't try
and sneak off the wagon.

I appreciate you helping me, boy,

you can be my sponsor, yeah.

Let me show you around the property.

Here's the old outhouse
but I don't use it much.

I got plumbing in the trailer

so mostly I just loan it to your mom

whenever there's a festival in town.

Here's the old horse stables,

I was thinking maybe we
could fix them up together.

It would be a joint venture, [laughing]

yes, joint venture.

Yeah well, I guess I'll go smoke a joint

and then we can get to work.

Narrator: Kevin told
Charlie he wasn't allowed

to smoke up anymore.

Damn, you're right, I
didn't even think about it.

It was like a reflex, I'm
really gonna need help.

I better go smoke a joint then
look though the phone book.

I have a phone book around
this joint, somewhere.

[humming] Joint, joint, joint.

Joint, joint, joint.

Boy, you're missing out
on a perfect opportunity

to wield some power.

We got a chance to exercise
your control demon.

And a little exercise never hurt anyone.

If the man's finished,

don your perialist picker
head presumptuous pretense.

[pot banging]

Hey Kevin, while I was cleaning up

I found this old roach,

and I figured there'd be
no harm if I smoked it.

Oh wait, it's really a roach.

Narrator: Kevin told
Charlie he had a plan

that would help him win
his battle with addiction

and the $50, which was way more important.

[gentle music playing]
[crickets chirping]

But Kevin, I really gotta
use the little boys' room.

Narrator: After a few days,

Kevin noticed that without
the soporific delirium of THC,

Charlie suddenly became too damn active.

Look at this Kevin, I wrote


Each one as good as the last.

Listen!

♪ La la la, look at me
strumming my banjo, so happy ♪

♪ La la la, look at me, a brand
new life, a brand new me ♪

[charlie singing banjo sounds]

[energetic county music]

Hello there, we were wondering,

with all the decriminalization
talk and all.

If maybe we could see Mr. Plunt?

We've got some college
friends coming over

and thought what a nostalgic blast

if we had a pinch of Columbian,

and I don't mean coffee! [giggles]

Kevin, honest, I'm
really feeling better now!

I don't think you have
to tie me up anymore.

Look honey, it's just like you do to me

every Saint Patrick's Day.

Narrator: Kevin told the McNotton's

that just because the stupid real world

was decriminalizing pot,

didn't mean it should stand in the way

of his friends courageous
fight against substance abuse.

Maybe we'll just
come back another time.

Narrator: Then Kevin told Charlie

that he was just being weak

and that he had nothing to worry about

because his restraint system meant

he'd be clean and sober in no time.

Well okay, but I really do have to go

to the bathroom again.

[kevin crashing against floor]

[sawing wall]

Oops, sorry about the noise
but I'm a little bound up

in here.
[drill whirring]

[groaning]

[comedic upbeat music]

[groaning]

Ow, my freaking hands!

Tonight at nine, it's
Talking to Canadians.

Do you know who the 19th president
of the United States was?

Willy Nelson?

[laughs] No, Rutherford B.
Hayes, you nose-picking canuck.

Talking to Canadians, join
us next week when we ask,

where does your country keep
all of it's fresh water?

It'll be very interesting.

I give up!

I knew you couldn't handle it!

No I mean I can't do it
alone, I'm going into rehab.

Just keep that boy away from me!

[ominous growling]

[bubbly rock music]

We demand four clean urine tests a week

and there's a 9 p.m. curfew.

Breach either of these terms
and you can jones in a ditch.

We understand each other, right?

Do you have any money?

If I had a lot of money,

I'd still be out partying
instead of in stupid rehab.

Narrator: So Charlie
attended a publicly-funded rehab

and he found it really helped him focus.

Mostly on people who were
trying to steal his stuff.

What's that you got
stuffed in your shirt, Beau?

Mmmmm, I'm pregnant.

Oh well, okay then.

Mr. Plunt, you have a visitor.

Hey Percy, rehab's great
but you gotta keep an eye

on your stuff or they rob you blind.

Here, I brought you some booze.

Jesus Christ Percy,
I can't touch anything.

I have to dry out!

Actually I kinda brought
it hoping you'd say that.

Besides I discovered

some of the less ephemeral distractions.

Who needs drugs, when you
got these books on tape?

What's ephemeral,
does it make you high?

Tape voice: Letters
to forum, number one.

I never believed this would
happen to me but last Thursday,

I received a large black double dong dildo

as a gift from my
sorority sister, Jezebel.

I've never used one of these, I gasped.

The silk holding my
ample bosom in restraint,

heaving and dainty fold.

Curious sexuality is a [tape skipping].

f*ck, it was just
getting to the best part.

Soups up, junkies.

You can eat it now or take
it in pill form rectally.

It's your choice.

[dramatic scary music]

[upbeat rock music]

Hey Kevin, I'm just getting ready

for my date with Timmy tonight.

We're going to a goth party,

so I had treble clefs
painted on each fingernail,

bought a backpack shaped like a coffin

and the [speaking in foreign language],

had all my teeth filed down to points.

What do ya' think?

[intense dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin told
Shauna he was too busy

to listen to her cope

with her market-fueled
beauty myth inadequacies

or neurotically-dysmorphic body image.

Whatever!

[mellow rock music]

Hey boy, what do you want?

What's that, go with you
to a deserted farmhouse

in the woods?

I don't know, you don't have
a wood chipper, pigs or?

Whoa, okay, I'm coming,
just give me a sip will ya'?

[creepy slow music]

[crickets chirping]
[suspenseful creepy music]

[chains rattling]

Withdrawal, listen to them.

Their bodies screaming,
crying out for substance.

But you've given them a new life, boy.

You gonna take away their pain.

Narrator: Since Charlie had escaped,

Kevin realized he'd gotten a rush

from the absolute control
he'd enjoyed over him.

So much so, that he
spent the next few days

kidnapping homeless people,
forcibly drying them out,

and grooming them to his will.

Soon he'd converted the ravel

into a tightly-knit citizens militia

that was totally obedient to his wishes.

It was very fascist, which
is why Kevin liked it.

Gentlemen, welcome to fight club!

[nervous breathing and moaning]

Hang on, hold on, I can't
get a f*cking sip here.

That's it, you no-good
welfare junky mental patients!

[slurring words]

I'm hear to tell you to get your asses

off the public pay and
go get a frigging job!

My god, Mr. Premier.

Nice t*ts, baby.

[laughs] Hilarious,
you're a big fat drunk

telling these people they
can't recover from booze.

Even though you're like the biggest drunk.

Ah, that's it, get these
drug addicts out of here

so we can renovate this building

into condominiums for drug dealers.

[energetic rock music]

They kicked everyone out
of rehab 'cause of cutbacks.

Do it like everybody else,

go to the states to get
medical care quicker,

that's how I scammed the government

out of paying for my breast implants.

Yeah, except they put
'em on your a*s. [laughs]

I don't suppose anyone
could get me a lift

to New York state?

He can't drive 'cause
of the breathalyzer

on his car starter.

I got it covered,

I've been breathing into
a bag every time I'm sober

so I've got a little
stockpile of fresh breath

with no liquor on it from last month.

Check it out!

Maybe I better drive.

[police sirens wailing]

You ain't the publisher's sweepstakes.

Good evening, Madam.

Who you calling Madam?

Your son has been organizing
an ill*gal citizens militia.

Some might call it a fight club.

Well, at least he joined a club.

What the hell do you
want me to do about it?

Where's the boy?

I don't know.

I think that's him on the
street corner over there?

No, that's just someone with a black hat.

No how 'bout over, whoa, that's weird.

What the hell?

Narrator: Kevin's
organization of brainwashed

former alcoholics had
become a bigger success

than every other cult in the city,

even L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology,

and they sure were weird.

What the hell?

Should we sh**t?

No, they're not doing anything.

That's the point, he's daring us to sh**t.

Who?
The boy.

Let's bug it and regroup.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

[upbeat rock music]

Don't f*cking tell me.

Random check, park the
car with our search team

and proceed to the kiosk
with your documents.

Well, I remember the old days,

you'd have been nervous
to go through the border.

Well, it's no hassles now, Percy.

I'm getting clean and I got
nothing to be ashamed of.

[curious piano music]

Yeah, you was always hiding something

up your a*s or under your hat.

Remember that phoney heel in your boot?

Yeah, I did some pretty crazy.

Oh my boot, ooh, that's right.

[dog panting and sniffing]

You're still holding?

It's in your g*dd*mn boot,
ain't it, you b*stard?

I kinda forgot about it.

Did I mention what dope does
to your short-term memory?

Well that's just f*cking beautiful!

Relax Percy, it's just a few grams.

A few grams?

The laws are different here, Charlie.

As of now, I don't know you, f*ck.

Percy no, you gotta help me.

Okay, okay, I got an idea,

slip me the stuff.

Thanks Percy, I knew you were a pal,

so tell me the plan and I'll-- [choking]

No, you made me eat it?

I tried it on some dog once.

Wait, that didn't work then neither.

Anything to declare?

Yeah, I'm hung like a porn star

and twice as intelligent. [laughs]

[charlie laughing]

Gentlemen, I'm only
going to remind you once.

You're entering the
United States of America

and I will do whatever is necessary

to protect her borders, her flag,

and the constitution for which she stands.

[dramatic inspirational music]

[yawns] Sure America's great, on paper.

But you ain't fooling anyone, you know?

Like you guys believe in
any of that sh*t anymore?

Let's get this over with.

What's his problem?

[high pitched music]

[suspenseful music]

[whispers] Time for my plan.

He's just rehearsing for our jug band.

Hit it, Charlie.

[charlie making weird sounds]

[charlie mumbling]

I'm having a hallucination.

Whoa, there's me when I was disco king.

[disco dance music]

C'mon Charlie, this
disco sh*t's for losers,

everyone's punk now.

[heavy metal music]
[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[bouncy casual music]

Hey Charlie, I know
you're kinda busy there

with your stomach being pumped and all.

But I just wanted to tell ya',

you owe me $50, sucker!

[charlie retching]

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat electronic rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪