06x08 - What Goes Around Comes Around

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ooh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[static buzzing]

[beer glugging]

[Percy belching]

[Percy giggling]

How dare you?

[match strikes]

You miserable miscreant,

life has a way of evening the score.

That, my friend, is called karma.

Go ahead, be ignorant, care
nothing for your fellow man.

Just don't be surprised when
you get your comeuppance.

Don't be surprised when the
spirit of all your bad deeds

comes back to haunt you.

Suck my d*ck, four eyes.

"Don't be surprised."

Idiot.

Like anything I do's got consequences.

[beer glugging]

[dramatic music]

Ow!

My eye!

What do you have there?

It's just,

Afroman and Porn Man's

"Best of Hardcore Amateur
Fatties: Volume Number 37"?

You filthy, degenerate man!

You're just like all the others.

I just found it.

This relationship is over!

But your disdain and contempt
for my gender completes me!

Damn you, p*rn*graphy!

Damn you to hell!

[man farts]

Hmm, I bet this would
help me with my masturbation.

Just have to get into
my self-love clothes,

and I'll be off to the races!

Hello.

I'm adult film star, Porn Man.

And I'm adult film star, Afroman.

Welcome to Afroman and Porn Man's

"Best of Hardcore Amateur
Fatties: Volume 37"

If you's like us, then there
ain't nothing you like more

than kicking back old school

and getting your pole greased

by some nubile hottie in a tube top.

But let's face it.

You're not like us because we are hot

and buff adult film
actors and you are not.

Testify!

So, to better serve your adult needs,

we have assembled this highlight reel,

showing the very best scenes
from our vast collection

of homegrown amateur p*rn*graphy.

Unlike us and the women we sex up,

the folks on these tapes is just average,

run of the mill people who like to f*ck

in front of a camera and
send the tapes around

in the misguided belief that

that somehow makes them porn stars

and lends a little bit of glamour

to their dull and empty lives.

So sit back, undo your
pants, and have at it.

Okay, okay, this is it!

Here we go!

The red light ain't on.

Is the f*cking tape moving?

Yeah, it's going around.

I guess the red
light's just busted then.

I don't know.

Maybe we should just check it somehow.

Jesus H, would ya shut up?

I got the one two hour tape,

and I ain't made of money.

I gotta get two complete
movies on this thing

and get it out the door.

So can you can the f*cking chit chat

and start with the screwing?

All righty then!

Battle stations locked!

Commence firing!

[man thuds]

[bottle shatters]

[bottle shatters]

[Kevin giggles]

[tires screeching]
[horn blaring]

[tires screeching]

[car crashing]

[laughs]

Puffing and huffing!

Son of a b*tch, could
this day get any funnier?

[Kevin giggles]

[Kevin choking]
[Allen laughing]

[siren wailing]

Stand back!

I'm going to give him the Heimlich.

Why do I need to stand back?

What?

You said, "Stand back."

I don't get that.

There's no danger to me or anyone else

if I stand right beside
you while you do it.

It's just a figure of speech.

I know it's a figure of speech.

I'm not disputing that.

In this particular instance, however,

it's usage serves no other purpose

than to stroke your own ego

by feigning a heightened of the dramatic

to lend a greater air of heroism

to what you're about to do.

Oh, I'm dramatic?

Coming from you?

How dare you?

Fine, you do it.

No.

Well, I'm not going to.

Fine.

I knew it!

I knew it!

It's all about you, isn't it?

Look at me!

I'm a hero.

[Kevin coughing]
Ah, my eye!

Ah, my eye!

[laughs] Told you you
couldn't eat a screwdriver,

you f*cking idiot.

Man, I thought you was dead for sure.

You're still kinda blue.

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Look at me, look at me!

"I'm Crazy Smurf."

Get me to the hospital.

Get me to the hospital!

[tires screeching]

[water spewing]

[glider screaming]

Oh, Jesus!

Passed out drunk in a pile of garbage

behind a second-rate titty bar.

Is this what my life has come to?

Oh well, could be worse.

Pass out in the alley again, Annie?

Yep.

Well, saves you walking all
the way back down here later.

Yeah, everyone's a winner, baby.

Give me a jug of draft.

Geez, Annie, it's too
early for me to start serving.

One more violation of my liquor license

and they'll have my a*s.

If you's don't pour me a f*cking jug

then I'll have your
a*s, and believe you me,

I'll redefine violation for ya.

Well, I suppose I could
bend the rules this one time.

[ninja screaming]

Got ya red-handed, Marty the bartender.

[beer slurping]

Say goodbye to The Camel Toe, freckles.

I'm yanking your license,
and you're going to jail.

c*ck sucker!

Yeah, what can I do for ya?

You're gonna have

to do your drinking some place else, lady.

We're shutting this place down.

Okay, okay, just let me finish my beer.

Can't do that, ma'am.

That's ill*gal beer.

I understand, officer.

Just give me a second to grab my purse,

and I'll be moving right along.

Get between me and my booze.

Ya's f*cking lucky I don't
put the boots to ya's hole.

Narrator: Mom figured that
would learn the ignorant prick

a thing or two about how to treat a lady

and decided to celebrate
by getting blind drunk.

Marty didn't much care for
her cavalier attitude, though,

and he decided to give
her a piece of his mind.

Annie, you and me
have been through a lot,

but this is the last straw.

The Camel Toe's all I got,
and I can't afford to lose it.

Once I get all this legal
muckity muck cleared up,

you and Percy are banned forever!

That's fine.

I'll just get my purse
then and be on my way.

[laughs] No, no, no, no.

Marty the bartender
ain't falling for that.

Ah, whatever.

[fist smacks]

Oh, you want some of Marty?

You got it, baby.

[Marty and Annie punching]

[window shattering]

[dog yelping]

My dog!

You good for nothing drunkards,

I'll teach you some manners

if it's the last thing I do!

[umbrella smacking]

Please be careful, sir.

The soup is ridiculously
and scaldingly hot.

Okay.

[silverware clatters]

Congratulations, Robert.

You just made partner
and tripled your salary.

[Robert screams]

[man wheezes]

[flames crackling]

[gasoline pouring]

[car explodes]

[peaceful music]

[woman smacks]

Honey, I'm home.

Happy anniversary!

Oh my god!

I knew you never loved me!

[wife screams]

[wife thuds]

[Allen laughs]

Narrator: Kevin had no
idea what was going on,

but as near as he could figure,

the years of alcohol and substance abuse

had rendered him blind.

He was instantly terrified
of living in a world

devoid of the ability to see
strippers and shiny things.

[laughs] It's just a
f*cking bucket, A hole.

Take it off your head.

Narrator: Well that's
better, thought Kevin.

Then he got to thinking some more,

and he decided that it
might not be a bad idea

to learn the sons of b*tches

that dropped the bucket on
his head a right good lesson.

[rope creaking]

[Kevin giggling]

[workers screaming]

Please, just hear me out.

Please.

Make it quick.

I swear to you, I have
no interest in p*rn*graphy.

I swear to the lord, Jesus Christ.

And if I am lying about
my wants for another woman

then may God send you a sign.

What?

That's all the proof I need.

God, why have you forsaken me?

God?

Hello?

I don't know what
the hell just happened,

but can you put me down?

[bra rips]

[screams] Pervert!

Hey, freeze right there!

But I didn't do anything.

Oh no you don't!

[people screaming]

[glass shattering]

[people screaming]

[man panting]

[trash crashing]

[keys jangling]

Narrator: Kevin couldn't
believe his good fortune.

There was over $100 in the man's wallet,

not to mention credit cards
and keys to the house.

Just think, Kevin, our own house.

We can play married couple.

You be the f*cking lady of the house.

Narrator: Kevin didn't much care

for the bird giving him sass mouth,

and he figured he'd
learn him a thing or two.

So he imagined Allen in a dress

with great, big, floppy
middle-aged housewife breasts

and bad mall hair.

[Kevin giggles]

Yeah, okay, we'll forget

about that whole married couple thing

and just go rip the place up.

Just turn me back, Kevin.

I'm hideous!

[upbeat music]

[tires screeching]

[tense music]

[girl screams]

[girl splashes]

[boat engine whirs]

[boat crashes]

[people screaming]

Nice.

You can't smoke in here.

But I's just about done it.

Outside.

Fine, f*ck!

[man screams]

My same eye!

[tires screeching]
[wings flapping]

[bird squawking]

[poop squishing]

Oh my god.

You son of a b*tch!

[dramatic music]

[man panting]

[dramatic music]

[window shattering]

[snake hissing]

[snake hissing]

[men screaming]

[man yelling]

[upbeat country music]

[tires screeching]

[boy laughing]

[Kevin giggling]

[upbeat music]

[Kevin giggling]

[tense music]

[pumpkin smashing]

[upbeat music]

[lighter clicking]

[man screams]

Boy, look at that!

He sure is some kind of hurt.

Maybe we should do something.

Narrator: Kevin agreed
because he didn't think

it was right to stand
around and do nothing

while another member of
the human race was lying

on the ground in front of
them, blinded from pain.

So Kevin bent down and took his wallet.

[Kevin giggling]

[beer glugging]

And 24.

Hurray for me!

[tires screeching]

[Percy screams]

What the f*ck could I have
possibly done to deserve this?

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]