06x11 - Doing Time

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[buzzing]

[engines roaring]

[playful music]

Jesus, Percy, I still
can't believe we's really

on our way to Paris.

The most romantic f*cking
city in the world,

next to Cornwall.

I could get my love itch scratched even if

I was knocked out cold and
had my frickin' eyes closed.

Yeah [chuckles] like you've
ever had it any other way.

This almost makes up for all the years

the f*cking world kept me
from getting what's mine.

f*ck, I'm angry inside.

And all we had to do was
rig that stupid contest

at the Stop-'N-Stuff.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Or like it was a cheap
attempted exposition

in some low budget TV show whose writers

had given up even trying to be original.

Holy f*ck, what the hell is that?

I knew I was a hologram.

All those years wasted.

You ain't a hologram, as*h*le.

It's a flashback.

You know, like for remembering something

from a long time ago?

Don't yous know anything?

I've got more not
knowing in my little finger

than yous got in your whole body.

And I can still fit into my same pants

I wore in high school.

So I guess, what I'm
trying to say is, f*ck off.

That's only cause you
were a fat useless f*ck

in high school, too.

[creepy music]

Hey look, isn't that Frank Sinatra

or one of them other
old dead famous people?

[thud]

[laughing]

Man are you stupid.

As if Frank Sinatra would
ever shop in a dump like this.

Even if he was a dead zombie
come back from the grave,

like on that "Duets" album.

Here, stuff all those ones
with our names on them

into the box and grab
them blank ones, too.

Hurry the f*ck up.

We's got 79 more stores to go.

And I'll put on a freaking chastity belt

before I let your fat a*s
stand between me and Paris.

Shut your pie hole.
I ain't going nowhere

without my canned ham.

[creepy music]

[screaming] Sweet Jesus.

That was even worse than the time I snuck

into the NBA All Stars party
dressed as a white woman.

I need me a drink, hey, waitress!

Would you like another drink, sir?

Yes, please. I'll have one of them,

tell you what, leave the cart.

Percy's got six more hours

and a whole lotta drinking to do.

[playful music]

[glugging]

Hey Percy, you think the boy's okay?

Six hours is a long frickin' time.

What do you want me to do about it?

The contest was a trip for two

and you're the one who didn't want

to leave him chained to
the refrigerator again.

Besides, with all the
drinking the boy does,

he's got enough booze in his system

to keep him warm 'til Christmas.

Hey, hey, do you sky
waitresses do any peelin'?

How much for a little girl on girl action?

[grinding]

Narrator: Kevin couldn't
remember ever being

this cold in his whole life.

Of course his long term memory

wasn't any great chase either,

so he couldn't be too sure.

Kevin decided it was time
to make a few changes.

And this time, he was pretty sure

that just switching his father's

three nightly chocolate bars

for extra-strength oral
laxatives wouldn't be enough.

[metal music]

[upbeat music]

You morons follow my lead.

I know all about this place

from them stroke flicks
I rented for my birthday,

"An Eyeful of my Tower",

"Napoleon's b*ner Parts",

"Screw in Notre Dame".

Ha, alls you know how to pretend

is your right hand is a little Asian girl

named Who f*ck Me.

That's called having
a rich imaginative life,

you fat cow.

I know the French got all the wine

you can drink for free,

the wh*res come younger and cheaper,

and the national past
time is sheep shearing.

And not the kind that uses scissors,

if you know what I mean.

And quite frankly, I hope you do.

Because I lost my train
of thought and I don't.

[speaking foreign language]

Excuse yourself.

But don't sweat it, you didn't let one go.

I think all yous Frenchies are
supposed to smell like that.

No, no no, monsieur.

I just wanted to correct
your common misconception.

Yes, all those things
you say used to be true

but today, Paris is a
[speaking foreign language]

and your citizens have
embraced the modern world.

Now, only two of those
three things are true.

What, I was promised the trip

of my whole worthless haze of a lifetime

and now this stupid country wants

to screw me outta what I'm owed?

You'll pay for this.

You'll all pay for f*cking
with Percy Spencer.

Narrator: By now the movement had begun

to return to Kevin's limbs.

After eight hours in the cargo hold

without so much as a beer nut,

he was sorely in need of a drink

or twenty to tide him over.

So he decided to go see for himself

what if Percy had said
about rivers of free booze

and mountains of unfiltered
cigarettes was true.

Atta boy, Kevin!

Free wines, smokes, and the easiest

and hairiest women on the planet.

This is gonna be sweet.

Narrator: Kevin looked around for

a likely route of escape.

Then he had an idea that

would let him k*ll two
birds with one stone.

Whoa, you better mean that
metaphorically there boy.

Unless you're talking about Egret.

Man I hate Egret.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
know what an Egret was

but he decided to hate them, too,

because he found it was much easier

to hate something than
to try and understand it.

But stoning Egrets would
have to wait for later

because Kevin's parents had
reached the front of the line

and he had to act fast

or his vacation plans would be ruined.

Hey broken head.

Whatever you got in mind,
you better do it soon.

Narrator: Kevin raised his hand to get

the Customs Officer's attention.

Then politely asked him what blow was

and why his daddy had
put a whole bag of it

up his poo place before
they got on the plane.

What the f*ck is you talking about boy?

Don't listen to him.

He's just confused on account

of we made him ride
over in the cargo hold.

There ain't been nothing
knocking on my back door

since the time I played the farm girl

in the talent show last
time I was in the joint.

That ain't what you
told me on our honeymoon.

Or what I've seen in that
amateur a*s Masters video

you made last Christmas.

Shut your fat gob.

That's the last time I try to make

a little extra holiday
money for this family.

[slamming]

Get the f*ck off me c*ck suckers.

I'm a Canadian citizen.

Any of you knows what that means?

I'm a Canadian!

[peppy music]

[thuds]

I always figured his bung
hole was gonna do him in,

but I never figured it'd be for something

they had to take out of there.

Hey, Kevin, what do you wanna do now?

Kevin?
Oh that's just f*cking great.

Now I'm gonna have to spend an hour

of good screwing and drinking time

just sitting on my keister
filling out paperwork.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin had
slipped away unnoticed

by following along behind
a nice French family

and pretending he was one
of their many children.

But by the time he reached
the subway station,

all the thousand little ways

they were being kind and considerate

to each other had begun to cause him pain

in a place he hadn't even known existed.

So instead, he just stole their wallets

and took a train into Paris.

So what now, broke head?

I don't know about you, but I ain't seen

any rivers filled with anything
but sewage and human waste.

Narrator: Kevin found himself wondering

if Alan had always been this annoying

or it was just that they were on vacation.

Then he looked up at the
awe inspiring cathedral

in front of them and began to think

how all the great religions
of the Western world

had built places of such beauty

and magnificence simply by pillaging

the wealth and resources of cultures

that were vastly more
ancient than their own.

Then he leaned forward in his chair

and let a really good one loose.

[laughing] Good one, boy!

Way to show 'em the effect the good ole

North American diet
could have on the belt.

[laughing]

Now how's about we tie
one on to celebrate?

Narrator: Seeing as
he was two thirds closer

to being sober than he had
ever wanted to be in his life,

Kevin thought that was the
best idea Alan had all day.

[speaking foreign language]

Narrator: Kevin
didn't know what the hell

the waiter just said, so he figured

he was either speaking French

or was just damaged in the head.

Either way, Kevin felt sorry for him.

So he very slowly told him to bring

them 78 gin and tonics and
another 32 gin and tonic chaser.

But you are just a child.

What do you think this is?

Some uncivilized wasteland?

This is France.

All I can sell children is


Narrator: Kevin wanted to
tell him to go f*ck himself

but since he was sober enough to realize

that this might have an
effect on their drink order

he just told him to screw off

and go bring him his 17 bottles.

Don't worry boy.

That'll give us just enough

to try something really stupid

and I have just the thing in mind.

[peppy music]

c*ck suckers.

I told them there wasn't
no cocaine up there.

Would've been a total waste of time

if they hadn'ta found the remote control

I've been looking for.

Narrator: At first,
Percy had wanted to get back

at all the evil Frenchmen
who had ruined his vacation

by devising an ingenious scheme

that would force each
and every one of them

to admit they were living
in a third world back water

where you couldn't even get

a decent extra sized
bottle of malt liquor.

But after about a minute
and a half of thinking,

his head felt like someone
shoved a rabid weasel

in where his brain used to be.

So he decided he would
just take his revenge

in the same way he always had.

I'll show them f*ck.

They didn't know what they was in for

when they crossed paths
with Percy Spencer.

[peppy music]

[upbeat music]

So you say your name
is Pierre McFrenchy.

You are French citizen and you are here

to sign up for something called, Pogey?

f*ck yeah. I mean oui.

Yous is right, Padre.

But you don't speak any French.

I have a brain injury so
I only talk good in English.

And you want us to
make your check, sir,

to a Percy Spencer and then mail

them to an address in Canada?

Si, so when do I get my pesos?

[confused music]

[Percy yelling]

[pigeon coos]

Nos wonder you can't win a f*cking w*r.

That didn't even break nothing I use.

You ain't heard the last of this.

[thuds]

[woman screaming]

[dramatic music]

It's time somebody showed
this stupid country

how to set up a proper welfare state.

Those people who wanna choose smart gifted

and hard drinking to work
can still live right.

And Drunken Welfare Man
is just the one to do it.

♪ Drunken Welfare Man ♪

[whimsical music]

Holy f*ck.

I ain't walk this much since they had

the sale on cooking wine at the Malco.

My dogs is killin' me.

[ominous music]

Hey, who the f*ck is you?

[romantic music]

Holy crap, Charlie is that you?

Trick me, cabbage head.

See, these here are the catacombs

where every important French person

who ever lived is buried.

And where there is
famous people's coffins,

there's embalming fluid.

You ever got a really good
embalming fluid buzz boy?

[water dripping]

Me neither, so let's go.

[upbeat music]

You almost gave me a frickin'
heart attack back there.

Yous look just like this guy Charlie

I'm screwing back home.

Only he's from Quebec so he
ain't real French like you.

So that makes Charlie,
Matthew the bartender,

the guy who delivers your groceries,

that Ed O'Neil look alike from
[speaking foreign language]

Last Tuesday, yeah
it's been a slow week.

What with packing for the trip and having

to see my doctor on account

I got this weird rash on my hiney.

And your husband, he does not mind?

That fat f*cking loser?

Don't make me laugh.

If he ain't too busy getting loaded

to know who the hell I'm doing,

he's out getting his own
slip and slide soaped,

besides between you and me,

Percy ain't exactly gifted in
the you-know-what department.

[speaking foreign language]

You could almost be French.

Yeah, so we don't talk like

a couple a brain damage morons.

Ha, no offense, hey.

[laughing] Come Anastasia, tell me,

what shall I show you next?

The Arc de Triumph?

The hidden secrets of
[speaking foreign language]?

The beautiful Luxembourg Gardens?

Listen, whatever the hell your name is,

yous had me at, "how's abouta drink"

and I ain't exactly the
chocolate and roses kinda girl.

So what do you say we
skip all the French crap

and head back to your place

so we can get busy before
I start losing my buzz.

[romantic music]

[upbeat music]

[thud]

[laughing] Cheat me
out of my God given right

to sponge out a foreign
government, will ya?

Hey poodle f*ck!

[gentle music]

Grab this here end and don't f*ck it up.

[melancholy music]

Eat my Canadian bacon, c*ck suckers!

[peppy music]

[patriotic music]

One more question,
[speaking foreign language].

[speaking in foreign language]

As leader of a country
whose global relevance

has sunk to the place
where Johnny Depp lives,

can you tell us, [speaking
in foreign language]!

[crowd gasps]

[speaking in foreign language]

This is too much!

They've attacked the soul of our country

and they will feel the
full wrath of France.

Marcel, prepare the pen.

It is time for a strongly worded letter.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

That's him!

Get him for Jerry Lewis and for France!

f*ck yous, coppers.

Percy don't bend over and come
quiet for no one but wh*res.

[clubs thudding]

[Percy yelling]

[upbeat music]

Jesus Johnny that
was frickin' fantastic.

No ones made my toes curl like

that since them college kids tricked

me into helping them get

into the Guinness Book of X-Rated Records.

I'm French.

I know, that's why
I figured you'd either

be hung like a m*dget or spend

the whole time talking about Jerry Lewis

instead of just calling
out his name a couple time

when we was playing connect Annie's dots.

But this Charlie you talk of back home,

the one who looks so much like me,

surely he is a great lover, too?

[Laughing] Charlie, a great lover?

Not unless you'd call seven seconds

of sweaty gruntin' followed by 20 minutes

of trying to find my underwear under

the passenger seat great.

Holy sh*t, that's Percy!

And that is why Americans are stupid,

women like it when you cheat on them,

and Jerry Lewis is the
greatest man on Earth.

But back to breaking news

where police are preparing to bring down

the monster they have begun to call

The Really Stupid Foreigner Who

is Also Surprisingly Not American.

[roaring]

[intense music]

Puny soldiers make Percy mad.

Percy cries [roaring].

[g*n shot]

Hey you f*ck, that hurt.

Wait a minute.

Hey that's pretty sweet.

I didn't have to go through
all the trouble of swallowin'.

Hey c*ck suckers!

Is that the best you got?

[grandly intense music]

[helicopters whirring]

[gentle music]

Sweet.

[melahcholy music]

Wait, my petite passion cucumber.

Where are you going?

Sorry Johnny, yous may
be the best screw I ever had

but that's my Percy they got there.

And besides, my welfare check's due

in the next couple of days.

And that fat f*ck's got my ticket home.

Well, that wasn't
the right tune either.

No bodies, no embalming fluid.

And you almost down to the legal limit.

I gotta think us a way outta here.

Narrator: Kevin told
Alan that up until now

his ideas had been about as useful

as a tie dye salesman in a nudist colony.

And maybe it was time he
stopped thinking so much.

Then he leaned forward
to let another one go

and saw that something was written on the

boxes they were sitting on.

[dramatic music]

Atta boy, broken head!

We found the secret tomb of France

and where there's bodies,
there's embalming fluid.

Narrator: Still thinking
much more clearly than he liked,

Kevin was already miles ahead of Alan.

He pointed out the large jar on the ground

at Alan's feet and invited him

to help himself first,

just in case drinking embalming fluid

might have some unwanted side effects.

What, you afraid?

[gentle music]

It's simple, alcohol burns, right?

So we just drop in a match
and if it burns, we drink it.

Narrator: Kevin
wasn't convinced as Alan

in the wisdom of this
particular course of action,

but seeing as how his growing sobriety

had brought with it both a bad headache

and the possibility of having to face

a conscious awareness of his own life,

he immediately lit a match and dropped it

into the jug before his brain

had a chance to talk him out of it.

[banging]

You c*ck suckers wouldn't be so brave

if I was lose and had a machine g*n

and you was both tied up and unconscious

and I was a giant robot monkey cyborg

from outer space and yous was made out

of that cheese with holes in it

and, holy f*ck, now you've done it.

[footsteps clicking]

Don't, don't you.

Don't yous dare hurt my Percy!

Until I get my ticket
outta his fat hide first

and oh, before I forget any money he's got

on him he stole from me.

You fat alcoholic wh*re.

She's lying.

She's the one who stole something from me.

My whole f*cking life.

Shut your fat lying ash
tray smelling sink hole of a--

[rumbling]

The f*ck is that?

[banging]

Holy f*ck boy.

Them better not be my
smokes in your pocket

or yous gonna be in real trouble.

[upbeat music]

Deported from Paris,
they let anyone in here.

[laughing]

What the f*ck is you laughing at?

[Laughing] deported.

That's just another word
for free ticket home.

So I cashed in all our return tickets,

threw out all your and the boy's crap

and filled our bags with
duty free booze and smokes.

Oh Percy, this is
the best trip after all.

Narrator: With another


Kevin decided that maybe his parents

weren't so bad after all

and he started to regret
spiking their booze

with the leftover embalming fluid

he brought with him from the catacombs.

Kevin thought that when
all was said and done,

maybe he'd actually
learned something important

about himself, but whatever it was

he couldn't seem to remember it

and that made him mad
again until he realized

that maybe the best lesson

was to never learn anything at all.

Amen broken head, amen.

[upbeat music]

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[bubbles popping]