07x02 - Blow Job

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[playful upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Not this crap again.

[bouncy funky music]

Hey, you know what would be great?

Getting hammered and
tearing off a three-way

with David Hasselhoff?

Oh, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Maybe if they was chicks
with really big knockers.

Well, they ain't.

What, you think I don't know that?

I'm not a f*cking idiot.

[silly music]

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Takes one to know one.

So's you admit you's an idiot?

That ain't what I meant.

That's what you said!

Then I take it back.

You can't take it back.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

You're not the boss of me.

Someone's gotta be.

No, they don't.

I think they do.

I don't care what you think.

That's 'cause you's an idiot!

I'm not an idiot.

Yes, you are.

Well, if being an idiot
means disagreeing with you,

then I guess I am an idiot.

Idiot.

f*ck off.

You're the one who should f*ck off.

You're fat.

I can lose the weight.

You can't lose the stupid.

Maybe I don't want to.

You would if you weren't such an idiot.

Yeah, like, Hasselhoff and
Van Damme would ever do you.

No man in his right mind would.

You would.

No, I wouldn't.

Really?

So you don't wanna go upstairs with me?

Whatever you want, baby, I'll do it.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Tough sh*t, I don't f*ck idiots.

Hey, what if you put a
firecracker in someone's cigarette,

you know, and tucked all
the tobacco back into it?

Whoa, that'd be hilarious.

You'd blow his f*cking face off.

Hey, where's the boy?

We'll try it on him.

[laughing]

f*cking idiot went to school
like some big, stupid moron.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, shut up now.

Here comes the TV bingo numbers.

Announcer: B-12.

I-44.

N-29.

G-04.

And O-99.

Anastasia: Holy sh*t, Percy, we won!

We won the TV bingo!

Well, then you won't mind
loaning me 20 bucks till Friday.

Come on, I'm good for it.

Hey, hey, wait up!

Look, I'm sorry.

Don't go spending it all on yourself now.

Hey, boy.

Why don't you pull you
head out of your a*s

and hop in.

Your ma scored 200 bucks on the TV bingo.

We finally got enough to buy a big screen.

Wee-haw!

It's a celebration.

Everyone gets a smoke, on me!

[lively rock music]

[lighter clicking]

[expl*si*n booming]

[laughing]

Hook, line and sinker, boy.

[laughing]

[bouncy funky music]

[lighthearted music]

Here's our latest.

The Maximus Home System.

Anastasia: Wow, the
screen's pretty big.

What else can it do?

It comes with three years
parts and labor, with delivery,

including the raising of
your house for installation

and, of course, five years
of medical rectal exams

to help your transition
to absolute inactivity.

Yeah, keep it coming.

I'm bargaining here.

Well, there's also a
protective coating on the screen

to avoid damage.

Watch.

[paper rustling]

Hey, that looked like a riot.

[chuckling]

Holy, sh*t, this is the one, baby.

Check this out.

[machine smashing]

Holy, sh*t!

People, stop that!

Relax!

[bouncy funky music]

[machines beeping]

f*ck off, exploitative Robert Barron!

[TV thudding loudly]

Anastasia: Yeah, let me try this.

Percy: Now I can really let

that snooty news captor have it!

People!

That

will

do!

f*ck, I should've brought
the tire iron from the car.

Plenty of time for that at home, baby.

We'll take it.

[playful music]

And how will you be
paying for your big screen?

We got the TV bingo money
and here's $300 in advances

on our family allowance checks.

We told the government the boy was dying.

He probably is

from something.

Anastasia: And here's
the last 200 bucks

from the $4000 overdraft
from this credit card I

found.

I got $74 in store coupons

I stole from other people's recycling.

Anastasia: And don't
forget your dad's penny jar.

That's right and I
screwed 800 bucks cash

from the Dollar Dude Cash
Stop with a forged check.

Folks, I have to say there might be

a bit of a problem with
your method of payment.

Why?

Well, frankly, I, I don't trust you.

What, what?

You son of a b*tch!

Why wouldn't you trust us?

Folks, for one thing,
you're trying to pay

for this television with a credit card

that was stolen from me three months ago.

Thought you looked kind of familiar.

Dammit, I should've used
the big, new, Banashefski.

Look, you can't just get us
all wound up about owning

this f*cking thing

and then yank the carrot
away like that you.

What?

[paper shredder buzzing]

Holy sh*t, the paper
shredder's got my nads!

[screaming]

[laughing]

Holy f*ck, that's the
funniest thing I's ever seen.

[paper shredder buzzing]

Funny?

f*ck, I'm bleeding to
death for Christ sake!

Holy sh*t, gotta phone


Or starts making a scene.

Come on, baby, we'll get your
hose all stitched up again.

[paper shredder buzzing]

[thumping loudly]

[bouncy funky music]

[crane rumbling]

[house thudding]

There you go.

Your big screen TV's
safely in your living room.

We'll be around next
week to secure the house

to the foundation.

[groaning loudly]

Who f*cking cares?

Bye.

Narrator: Soon the
entire Spencer family

were enjoying foot fungus commercials

in high definition big screen style.

[giggling]

[crickets chirping]
[enchanting magical music]

Would you take a gander
at that big f*cking screen.

And it overheats so much
it's keeping the house warm.

f*ck, it's making us money.

Wow, it's like I can see right
up the weather lady's skirt.

Ow, sit!

What's up your a*s?

The problem ain't my a*s.

Doctor says it'll be a few days before

I can have a b*ner again without
getting bent over in pain.

Really?

Oh!

God!

[breathing loudly]

This area of high pressure is creating

a category five hurricane

that is going to hit The
Carolinas within the week.

And buggerize it's way up the East Coast.

Residents are already evacuating.

[wind whooshing]

I just evacuated in my overalls.

Not everyone is depressed
about the disaster.

For example, this looting mob
of dispossessed teenage gangs.

Don't worry, dude.

We'll find your stuff a good home.

[playful music]

Boring old weather.

How come a big screen
just makes sh*t like news

and commercials a bigger pain in the a*s?

Well, if you hates commercials
so much why don't you throw

in one of them videos you stole

from the McNaughton's garage?

Hey, yeah, it's probably
a porno or something.

[eerie music]

This is the best vacation ever.

We love it here at Sodomy II.

Percy: Holy frick,

looks like I stole the
McNaughton's vacation video.

No, sh*t.

This oughta be a laugh.

This is our new friend, Menardo.

He sells this cells at the sea store.

You be

fine,

mam.

Marvin: Menardo, those briefs
must feel so constricting.

Why don't you let my wife
help you off with those?

[lively instrumental music]

Percy: Lie down, baby.

Tonight I'm gonna ride you like it's 1999.

Again!

Holy sh*t!

They've been taping us having sex!

f*cking b*stards.

How can they invade a person's
personal space like that?

Hang on, dickhead,

you just did the same thing by
watching their private video.

You pervert.

Yeah, but it ain't the same on account

of it's happening to us instead of them.

Man: Yeah!

Timmy: Dude, what is
your parent's malfunction?

I mean, look at them.

They don't even care that
half the neighborhood

is out here watching porno's
through the front window

of their house.

Narrator: Kevin pointed
out that Timmy was one

to talk about weird parents especially

since the sexual antics being performed

on the big screen were from
Timmy's folks vacation video.

What?

Really?

Oh, man.

There aren't enough psychiatrists

in the world to make me forget this sh*t.

Narrator: At that moment,
Kevin realized that he

and Timmy did have one thing in common,

their parents were pretty messed up.

He wondered if maybe he should cut him

a bit more of a break.

I dunno who you asking
me, I have no opinion!

Talk to me later, I got
something tight going on.

[moaning loudly]

You know, I'm getting kind of tired

of living in walk-in porno theater.

Couldn't you watch something
a bit less titillating?

Maybe thin out the crowd on the lawn.

Some of them look a bit shifty.

[breathing loudly]

[silly bouncy music]

Later.

Anastasia: Holy sh*t!

Baby, it's 6:00 AM!

Percy: I've been
watching the big screen.

Anastasia: Oh, come on, Percy.

Whatta you say you tap
mama's a*s for a while.

[wall thudding]

Shut up!

We're trying to have a talk in here.

I can't have sex knowing the
neighbors might be taping us.

How come we never got any proper curtains

in this shitty bedroom?

'Cause I keep tearing
them down to hit you

with the curtain rod.

And 'cause of that I
gotta have a f*cking flag of

New Brunswick hanging in the
window the rest of my life.

Why don't you just admit you
think I'm less of a man since

I got my d*ck chewed up?

[wall thudding loudly]

[puffing loudly]

Percy.

Percy.

Why would I still be trying
to have sex with you if--

Well I don't have to
share a bed with the woman

who thinks I'm just some
kinda franken-pecker.

[somber music]

Anastasia: Percy, come back!

Whatever.

[snoring loudly]

[bouncy funky music]

Hey, Spencer, do
you own a video camera?

The old harpy down the
street's giving me 80 bucks

to tape her living will

but her camera's got all
full of sand, somehow.

Narrator: Kevin said that
sounded like some sweet money

and that he'd go borrow
a camera right away.

Police Officer: There
is a hurricane approaching

this community.

Please evacuate the area immediately.

[tools rattling]

Be a cold day before some
f*cking pig tells Percy Spencer

what to do.

What you doing in daddy's shed, boy?

You know this is where I
keep all my stolen sh*t.

Hey, hey, come back with
my camera, you prick!

Stupid ret*rd.

Only supposed to be looting
after the hurricane!

[breathing loudly]

[wind whooshing]

With the coming hurricane,

I'm revising my will to bequeath

all my worldly possessions to the man,

who despite his denials,

secretly fathered all of my children.

Kyle, the delivery boy from the pharmacy.

Also, my will has a DNR order.

That means do not regurgitate
food down my throat

in the event I become a drooling ret*rd.

[snoring]

Narrator: Kevin started
to have fun with the cool,

new camera and began to
wonder about all the ways

he could express himself creatively.

He even did some time lapse experiments.

[playful music]

[dramatic music]

Our city is on the horns
of an impending disaster.

Better store some sh*t in the basement.

The f*cking hurricane
just blew the East Coast

on top of Georgia.

Reporter: It's being called
the worst weather disaster

in human history as we forever
dub this, Hurricane Cuddles.

Holy

sh*t!

There ain't no more Carolinas.

I never thought it would get this far.

Whatta we do?

I gotta check outside and
see how bad it's getting.

[wind whooshing]

Jesus, it is pretty windy.

What, video dating?

Fire it up, boy, you
got your first customer.

[wind whooshing]

I know what you're saying.

What's a guy with this much going for him

doing at a dating service?

He must have some kind
of f*cked up problem.

Well, that's for me to
know and you to find out.

sh*t, don't you ever do it again, boy!

[funky upbeat music]

[truck rumbling]

Hey, Kevin, I heard you're out here

with your video camera.

Hey, why don't you come with me.

I'm gonna do some storm chasing.

[door slamming]

We're driving towards the storm.

Oh, my goodness, look at that.

We're driving closer to the storm.

I should be turning around

but I'm somehow drawn to
it by my naive stupidity.

Okay, closer now.

Closer.

[screaming]

I'm not good with storms!

[intense dramatic music]

[lightning crackling]

[thunder rumbling]

[screaming]

[water splashing]

[gurgling]

[playful lighthearted music]

[dramatic music]

[wind whooshing]

[cat meowing]

[people screaming]

Don't worry, boy, I think
it's dying down out there.

It must be the eye of the storm.

Oh, this here brochure says
a hurricane has enough force

to shove a pencil
through a telephone pole.

A pencil if you're lucky.

Someone wanna help me get
this thing outta my a*s?

[laughing]

You sure you want it out?

After all, the meter's
still got 20 minutes on it.

[laughing]

Talk about parking your a*s someplace.

[laughing]

[meter clanking]

You've been picking on me ever

since I got my package ruptured.

Admit it, you think I'm less of a man

since they sewed my d*ck back on.

Easy there.

That's not true, Percy.

We're lucky they found
enough of it to reconstruct.

So you don't think I'm less of a man?

Hey, the stitches
are kind of a turn on.

Narrator: Kevin had
managed to save the video tape

from his camera and told
his folks that he wanted

to show them all the cool
footage he'd been sh**ting

because it was gonna
earn him some sweet coin.

Do we got time?

[window smashing]

[wind whooshing]

Nope.

Announcer: Stay tuned
for the dramatic conclusion

of this week's hurricane coverage.

Starting

now.

[dramatic music]

[door rattling]

[dramatic fast-paced music]

[pole creaking]

[window smashing]

[bricks crumbling]

[objects thudding]

f*ck this sh*t.

I'm getting citizenship.

[screaming]

[wind whooshing]

[screaming loudly]

Percy: Holy fricking.

[house creaking]

[screaming loudly]

No!

No, not the big screen!

For f*ck sakes!

Wanna get some rope?

Anastasia: I can't move,
I'm trying to hold it down!

[lightning crackling]

[screaming]

Come back!

[thunder rumbling]
[lightning crackling]

And that's how it all happened officer.

I'm an insurance adjuster.

Just give me a new big screen.

Okay, look.

We can rebuild your house
but you expect me to believe

that you, unemployed bum person, Spencer,

actually owned a Maximus
Home Theater System?

I don't think so fraud boy.

Come on!

The emergency assistance
has to cover this.

I swear to f*ck, I really
did own a big screen.

You can't leave us without
the effing essentials of life.

It's true, he got a big
screen in the settlement

over practically having
his nuts chewed off.

Hey, you little b*stard.

That hurricane didn't
k*ll me like you promised.

I want that $80 back!

[funky bouncy music]

[bus rumbling]

[crickets chirping]

Good news, darling.

I finally got a court
order forcing Spencer

to give us our video tape back.

This oughta get your motor running.

Why do I love watching us have sex?

I'm such a voyeur.

[lighthearted music]

Kyle the delivery
boy from the pharmacy.

Also, my will has a DNR order.

That means do not regurgitate
food down my throat

in the event I become a drooling ret*rd.

[snoring]

Where's Menardo?

Yes, is it not a fantastical
afternoon on the beach today?

What's this, man?

[lively instrumental music]

This is the best vacation ever.

We love it here at Sodomy II.

Yes, man.

Menardo is a fabulous creature.

Is he not?

He most unarguably is,

man.

[lighthearted instrumental music]

[energetic rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: f*ck, it's making us money.

[water bubbling]