07x03 - Urban Trans-Hit

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Oh, not this crap again!

[upbeat holiday music]

Look, Kevin!

Santa came to the house
and brought a bunch of toys

that uh, I don't remember buying.

Aw, and they're all unwrapped already.

They were all for me.

[Television Announcer]
You're watching CrimeStumpers,

the show that lets nosy snitches

do the work of an
underfunded police force.

Tonight, our special Christmas edition.

At 11:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve,

a man described as a fat welfare case,

possibly drunk, broke
into the charity toy drive

and stole several items.

And we don't think it was Santa.

Hey, they're talking
about me on the TV again.

What the f*ck?

That guy playing me don't
look nothing like me

for Christ's sake!

I'm way f*cking hotter.

After stealing several toys
and bottles of silly snow,

the sick individual
then completed his crime

by urinating on a nearby mailbox.

What?

The suspect urinated
on a nearby mailbox.

My agent didn't say anything
about peeing on a mailbox.

I'll stuff this absurd
pillow down my pants.

I'll even do the butch he-man routine,

but there's no way I'm
pulling out my tallywacker

for a non-union gig.

Oh, all right.

The suspect then escaped
after assaulting a witness.

Take that, you dastardly brigand.

Can't you see I've avowed
myself to a life of criminality?

It all started when my father
caught me in the attic,

dancing naked around the music box

and I was dressed in leotards.

I never did any of that sh*t!

[Television Announcer]
If you have any information

about this contemptible reformant

call CrimeStumpers immediately.

If you's hate it so
much change the channel!

Nothing else on but that
shitty Canadian show "Train 69".

[upbeat music]

Gee, I sure like talking
about my private life

on the train with strangers.

Me too!

It's a realistic reflection
of public transit.

So, did Chip propose to you last night?

Yes, and did you become
a partner at your law firm?

Yes!

Trains, they's always getting
in my way when I'm driving.

Christ, I'm bored!

Well, whenever I'm
bored I look for the boy

to bust his ba*ls for a while.

I'm up for that.

[drill whirring]

What you go there, boy?

Looks like you're making
some kind of radio

from a kit or something.

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that he was in the basement
trying to make expl*sives

so that he could become a
t*rror1st when he grew up.

What do ya wanna be a t*rror1st for?

He heard on the news

that those suicide bombers get 70 virgins.



That's just a bunch of religious bullshit

like the 10 commandments
and the Easter bunny.

Besides, you shouldn't be
screwing around with expl*sives

unless you know what you're doing.

Sure as f*ck not in my basement.

Instead of being critical,

why don't you's help the boy?

Fine, I'll bond with him, okay?

But one thing, this wire ain't even near

where it's supposed to be.

[fuse sparking]

[b*mb explodes]

Well, I can't work when
everyone's looking at me.

Percy, get me out of here!

Oh, I think I broke my ankle.

Oh my god, look at Kevin!

I got it.

[blood squishing]

Put it back!

Put it back!

Okay, I'm not f*cking deaf.

Anastasia: Get the car, get the car!

We gotta get him to the hospital!

Car?

Yeah, I been meaning to
tell ya about the car.

What?

It got stolen.

Who'd steal that piece of sh*t?

The police.

I didn't think they'd recognize it

on account of I trashed it so bad.

At least I still got
his personalized plate.

Then call an ambulance!

Ambulance?

That's like $80 for f*ck's sake.

Okay, a taxi!

That's still 50 bucks
from this part of town.

Return trip.

Well, we gotta do something.

I hate taking the bus.

It's full of losers and weirdos.

Yeah, every time I ride the bus

there's some twisted
sicko trying to hit on me.

Hitting on you?

Like I said, weirdos.

Narrator: Kevin liked taking the bus

because whenever he was in
public places with his family

he felt comforted that even
though he was a sociopath

he still got along with the
rest of the world better

than his bellicose, a*usive parents.

Hurry up, ya turd, or you'll
be late for the hospital.

[change clattering]

Hey, you ain't the regular bus driver.

Jill's on vacation.

I'm a trainee learning the route.

Come on, Ma, we got the back seat,

the best seat on the entire bus.

Wee!

Go get your daddy a transfer, boy.

I forgot to get one.

Ah, yeah.

My back is acting up.

I'd better stay up front here.

Narrator: Kevin sure
had lost a lot of blood,

but since he didn't know
jack squat about biology,

he didn't rightly figure it mattered.

And even if he did, he pretty
much didn't care anyway.

So he figured he'd just carry
on like nothing had happened

and let someone else worry about it.

[Kevin giggles]

Please, stop throwing
items out that window.

Yeah, don't throw
stuff out that window.

Throw stuff out this window.

It has a better chance of
hitting oncoming traffic.

[horns blowing]

[tires screeching

Don't mind them, Chad.

I married Percy before I knew any better.

Fine, I'll just sit here then,

taking the boy to the stupid hospital

to have a stupid ski pole removed and,

hang on, who the f*ck skis at our house?

[Kevin giggles]

[brakes squealing]

Well, we made it.

Hope you're happy.

My back's still pretty bad.

I think I'm gonna stay on the bus.

I'll be back in an hour when
it passes the other way.

Yeah, sure, it's only your son.

[upbeat music]

Percy, so tell me
what happened with Kevin.

Dr. Boring here is just laying it on me.

We've removed the ski pole, sir,

but how in the name of
God did this happen?

[Percy yawns]

f*ck wants to be a t*rror1st

so he was trying to make
a b*mb in the basement.

I told him not to.

We're as surprised as anyone.

Did you say your t*rror1st son

was trying to make an expl*sive device

to k*ll the president?

No, I told him not to.

You heard me, right, Ma?

Hey, who the hell are you?

I'm afraid that we'll be
taking your son into custody.

What for?

We believe he's a Syrian
extremist we've been looking for.

Wouldn't surprise me, I suppose.

Can I go now?

The liquor store's on holiday hours,

and we're playing for time.

Hey, boy?

Wake up!

We're here for you, boy.

Your mommy and daddy are
here for you with some cop.

[monitor beeping]

Well, broken head, we'd love
to stay and be supportive

but booze don't drink itself, you know?

We're gonna leave you with
this here plain clothes pig.

He says you gotta stay with him

on account of you being
from outer space and sh*t.

I think we all knew
this day would come, Kevin.

Just don't let 'em touch your pickle

when they're interrogating ya.

The constitution says they ain't allowed

to touch your pickle.

[siren blares]

Cop: Uh, help get me out of here.

Narrator: Kevin was pretty shocked

that his parents would
be such spineless cowards

in the face of such scandalous
disregard for civil liberties

mostly because he'd been listening
to too much public radio.

Looks, baby, our
son's making a getaway.

That's a good one there, boy.

Hospital bed, I gotta try that.

Hey, we better beat it too.

We'll lose him at the bus mall.

When the hell did
they build this thing?

It's the new bus mall.

You might've heard of it if
you knew anything about buses.

Besides how to smash into 'em.

Smells like pit.

Eh, they all do.

Like it or not, it's part of the bargain.

Bus Announcer: Welcome
to urban rapid transit.

Unfortunately the automotive
industry has blocked

most of our subsidies so
we've been forced to not allow

advertising in our shelters.

[Tv Announcer] Wouldn't you
like to own the hottest new car

on the road?

f*cking right, and I will
too as soon as I figure out

the ignition wire. Prick.

Stop yelling at the advertising, baby.

Holy sh*t, get a load of this.

It's the boy.

[upbeat music]

[Narrator] Kevin said
the pigs were after him

because they thought he was
with some t*rror1st group

and so he wanted to thank
his mother and father

for helping him become a real t*rror1st

just like he'd hope.

[Kevin giggles]

Your a f*cking idiot!

Your going to bring the
heat down on us. Tell 'em Ma

Look they have advertisement
for a business college

right over the seat.

I'm gonna fill out one of these forms.

Haven't you filled out
enough of your form already?

I'm trying to teach the
boy the important value

of doing whatever the f*ck I tell him.

Hey, how come this car is
driving into the bus terminal?

Have you been listening?

This little fart knocker escaped.

He's 3F, that's federal f*cking fugitive.

[sirens]

Oh my God. Don't worry,
I've got a plan baby.

We can lose them by taking a bus. See?

We can take the 88 and transfer to the 94

then hop on the 33 to the 42nd

or the 55 to the 99.

Speak English!

I'm saying we gotta
transfer to the number 48

Hey speaking of 48.

Check out the rack on that
one sitting on the aisle seat.

I mean, aren't her jets lousy compared to

ah your saggy, veiny,
dabby, hairy, old melon.

Hey, I'm saying yours got
more characters though.

AHHH... you's lucky
we can't afford to draw

attention to ourselves so whatever you do

don't act suspicious.

You folks are gonna have
to butt out those smokes.

This is a non smoking city vehicle.

Aw come on, I'm sure you
can let us pass this time.

You bus driver
groupies are all the same.

Somehow your always drawn
to our stoic department.

What is it about you women
that throw yourselves at us?

Okay get over yourself.

Is it our staunch
dedication to punctuality,

our authoritative
demeanor, distant yet firm

Nah, nevermind.

Well baby if you want to
take a haul on my johnson

your going to have to do it between


hours at the most romantic

time point in the... Hey, where ya going?

Hey, have you got the time?

Hellooooo?

How about you?

Hello, anyone got the
time on this f*cking bus?

It's no use shouting. Everyone
wears a walkman on the bus.

Mostly so they don't have
to listen to peckerheads

like you!

f*cking any social bullshit.

What do you think about
that, any social bullshit.

Hey boy, hey take the f*cking
headset off when I'm talking

to you for Christs sake.

It's 3 o'clock sir.

Huh, well thanks buddy.

So what do you do?

Whatever. Why are you
asking so many questions for?

No reason. I just think
the bus is a wonderful way

to remind ourselves we
can still move amongst

the general public.
Exercise social skills.

So what do you do dipshit?

At the moment, I work in the government

but I'm hoping to spend retirement
spinning dance mixes into

Montreal clubs.

Percy: Your f*cking done.

Well, this has been fun
but this is my stop. Bye!

That's good cause I
was just about to ask you

where the f*ck you get off.

Bravo on the social skills asswad.

You've been away from
the real world too long.

That's the real world?

You don't know how to get
along with people no more,

You's a career inmate.

f*ck you wardon, I mean baby.

You know what my favorite
thing to do on the bus is?

[gnawing]

What's that?

Watching the f*cking driver
spending an hour getting

a God damn coffee.

Jesus at least he took some
orders from the rest of us.

Maybe I want a coffee.
f*ck, I hate the bus.

I saw this documentary the
other day where the guy

put a b*mb on the buss and if
it slowed down, it blew up.

Christ how's about I
drop a b*mb in your pants?

Maybe it will blow a hole
in your brain for some sense

to get through.

[dramatic music]

[sirens]

[whirling helicopter]

Holy sh*t. Our house
is surrounded by cops.

[ding]

We're staying on the bus.

But you pulled the little dinger thing.

When you pull the little
dinger thing that means you

want off the bus.

I'll ding you in a f*cking minute.

We paid our ticket. Just drive!

We pulled the dinger thing by accident.

Just keep moving. Baby
what are we going to do?

Well I guess we might as
well hit the liquor store.

Does this mean we have
to spend our final days

living under ground like outlaws?

Uh, either way I'm
hitting the liquor store.

He has to stop. Let us go.

Hey, the back door ain't opening.

Your suppose to wave your
hand in front of the door.

I thought I was suppose
to firmly grab the post.

Anastasia: I thought I had
to stand on the lowest step,

jump three times, and
recite frigging poetry.

[grunting]

Hey, I'm not off the bus yet.

Wait! The liquor store!

[upbeat music]

[ughhhhhh]

[grunting]

Isn't your family wanted
by federal authorities?

That's right, on charges
of terrorism and treason.

Yes, its been all over
the television, radio,

and internet. AHHHH.

So, is that gonna stop
you selling me a lousy



It's not like I don't got no money.

Percy, you don't got the money.

Oh. Bye!

Wait, I forgot to say something. f*ck off!

[western music]

Hey Percy, Look what I found.

It's a beer bottle opener
that looks like an old man

half bent over a toilet.

See, it say he has a
bad case of bottlecraps

and then you open the beer up his arse.

[giggling]

Hey, what's with all the cops?

[punching]

[grunting]

Do you know Kevin Spencer?

Absolutely not. In fact, I hate him.

I just came over here to
throw this at his house.

[ugh]

Opps.

[grunting]

Take him in.

[dramatic music]

[buzzing]

[cowboy] Hey, your not
suppose to touch my pickle.

I don't suppose you got
a bus that goes to Mexico

in all your God damn schedules here.

Only to five and it's an express route

and don't run on off peak hours.

Hey, you guys were
on my bus earlier today.

So how did things work
out at the hospital?

Holy sh*t!

Chad, I didn't see you

count on I like getting
on by the back door.

Yet, she likes it when you
climb aboard the back door.

[giggles]

Chad you gotta help us.

We gotta lay low some place.

Of course I can help you
Anastasia, as a bus driver

I'm a troubled loner.

I'll take you all up to
my cottage right away.

Hey you missed my streeet.
Where the hell are you going?

What's the problem here?

Ladies and gentlemen we
are taking a short detour

due to construction.

We will be back on route
as soon as possible.

Well, all right then.

I'm okay with that.

I just needed someone to say something.

Yes, he used the loud
speaker and everything.

[Narrator] Kevin also liked
the bus cause at night time

you can see other peoples
reflection in the window.

It's really easy to
spy on other passengers

without them getting wise.

♪ One bottle of beer on the
wall, One bottle of beer, ♪

♪ and if that bottle
should happen to fall, ♪

♪ no bottles of beer on the wall. ♪

What a great song. It's
all about f*cking beer.

I'll drop by later and make
sure you folks are all good.

How do you know that bus
driver ain't gonna sell us out?

Maybe he's just a nice guy.

Ain't no such thing in prison.

Anastasia: Yeah, well you
ain't in prison for once.

Take a lucky break when it
lands in your lap stupid.

Your right Ma. Maybe I
gotta learn to trust people.

Hey, where are ya going?

I thought I heard the door.
I just wanted to say thanks

to Chad. Good luck. Good luck
with your trust in people.

Yeah, what's the point in living

if you can't trust someone.

[squeaking and creaking]

Anastasia: Oh yes,
oh... oh yes, all right.

[Upbeat music]

Narrator: After not very
long, the government realized

their mistake and pardon
the Spencer's for terrorism.

Then they accidentally
arrested some other guy

who was the wrong person
and sent him off to Syria.

Well boy it looks like
you were the one that taught

your old man a valuable lesson.

I was wrong when I said
the bus was for losers.

Now I know it's actually for ret*rds.

Yup, ret*rds!

Narrator: What Percy didn't
know was that ever since

he escaped from the hospital,
Kevin had only pretended

to be nice to him.

Paging Dr Beenwe, Paging Dr Beenwe

Okay boy, time to pay
our old man for deserting

your a*s to the cops like that.

Narrator: Kevin told the
old man that he was happy

because his very borderline
personalities disorders

allowed for seemless acting skills.

As a result his folks never suspected

what was about to come down.

[dramatic music]

Congratulations sir. Your
being arrested on Crimestumpers.

And since we're in the
neighborhood we thought

we'd drop off the reward check
with our anonymous informant.

That's the man officer.

I saw him leaving the scene of the robbery

and when I tried to stop
him he grabbed a pole

from my ski rack and beat me with it

until he heard sirens and ran away.

That's where the
f*cking ski pole came from.

[gavel bang]

[Upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[suspect robber]
There's no way I'm pulling

out my tallywacker for a non-union gig.

[water bubbling]

[ding]