08x04 - Die a Lot More and Also Once Again

[bunniefuu]

♪ Puking on the run ♪

♪ He swears at everyone ♪

♪ He's just a lousy no good boozer ♪

♪ Another welfare loser ♪

♪ Alas, his wife is just a big fat wh*re ♪

♪ And his son is rotten to the core ♪

♪ Oh, why do they call stay together ♪

♪ On Kevin Spencer ♪

[bouncy funky music]

Oh, that's real nice.

[shrieking loudly]

[footsteps tapping]

[mailbox rattling]

Give us a hand, f*ck face.

Narrator: Kevin said
the only hand he was going

to get from him was the
one right across his face

if he didn't up and stop
with the name calling.

Man tries to provide for his family

and this is the thanks he gets.

[playful music]

[mailbox rattling]

[dramatic music]

[g*nsh*t banging]

Anastasia: Christ!

How many times I gotta tell
you, I is immune to voodoo!

I should've known
better than to go with the

Belgian voodoo priestess

instead of that one from Haiti.

f*cking Belgians, outside of waffles,

them people bring nothing to the table.

Sweet g*dd*mn nothing!

Yeah, what about them wood shoes?

Who in the name of
Christ needs wood shoes?

Tell me who?

I command you!

You best take that voice
of yours down a notch.

Jesus, it's like this whole
conversation has no purpose

and just some cheap excuse to fill time.

Well, why the hell would we do that?

I dunno but I will
tell you what I do know,

anytime I gotta do something

I don't f*cking wanna do you can bank

your fat a*s some dumb
c*cksucker somewhere

is making f*cking money off it.

Oh, well, screw it.

Help me tip this mailbox over
so we can look for checks.

[mail rustling]

Jeez, our neighbors sure
do have to pay a lot of bills

to keep their houses
and lights and water on.

Oh, and taxes.

You know, come to think of
it, I bet we get bills too!

You'd think?

Oh, well, probably not the best idea

to try and impose logic
on our circumstances.

Wouldn't know, I only understood three

of the words you used in that sentence.

Didn't I always tell you?

You should've got your grade five.

Like I listen to you.

Jackpot!

Check this sh*t out.

Anastasia: Oh, sounds sophisticated!

We'll find out.

Oh, I'm gonna have to get fancy clothes

like a f*cking gown and sh*t.

Oh, and like one of them
crown things princesses wear.

Tiara.

How the f*ck did I know that word?

Well, time's a wasting,
the party's tonight.

We's gotta hit like 10 banks
to cash all these checks

then go shopping.

What about the boy?

Are we bringing him?

Oh, why not?

It's an open bar and the
little prick's always good for

a laugh when he gets his load on.

[playful upbeat music]

What a day, my dogs is k*lling me.

It's a tough life for a working man.

Ain't gonna take us
long to buy us clothes.

So we's got us, 15, 20 minutes to k*ll.



What you wanna do?

Have sex five times?

Yeah, but unfortunately
none of the five men

I wanna do it with is here.

So how's about we just
split a square of coolies?

Well, there's three of us

and there's 24 bottles in a case

and we got like 20 minutes, that's like.

[silly music]

Narrator: Kevin said eight.

Three into 24.

Narrator: Kevin said eight!

I don't think I have to carry anything.

Narrator: Kevin said eight, it's eight.

It's eight you great,
big, stupid fat f*ck!

If only I had an abacus.

Abacus.

I figured it'd just be easier

to go buy the f*cking thing myself.

Man, watching you do math

is like watching Stevie
Wonder do a puzzle.

[footsteps tapping]

[bottles clanking]

Narrator: Kevin said,
alcohol's warm embrace.

Is there any problem it can't solve?

None I found so far.

Come on, let's go get us
some fancy party clothes.

[lively upbeat music]

[bouncy funky music]

[tires squealing]

[car doors slamming]

[playful music]

[footsteps tapping]

Nice monkey suit, big nose.

Yeah, where's your
f*cking organ grinder?

Imitate a monkey to
make fun of him, boy.

[laughing]

See what my boys doing?

See it, look at my boy, look at him.

Behold the glory that is my monkeying son.

[laughing]

Here's 10 bucks, park
my f*cking car, servant.

This is a private party.

Invitation only.

We's the McNaughton's.

Here's our tickets.

This here's our boy, Jimmy.

Very well then, I would be
happy to park your vehicle.

Please, enjoy your evening.

[footsteps tapping]

[farting loudly]

[laughing]

I swear to God, it was
my best f*cking fart ever.

Except maybe for that
time in that restaurant.

[enchanting music]

Table for how many?

[farting loudly]

[enchanting music]

[laughing]

Oh, who could forget that one?

I was sure you sh*t your pants.

I thought so too but
it turns out it was just

a ball of yarn in my underwear.

To this day, I ain't got
no clue how it got there.

[shoelaces rustling]

[giggling]

[elevator dinging]

[footsteps tapping]

[man thumping]

What kind of a-hole walks around

with his shoes tied together?

And people is always
saying us poor people

is the dumb ones.

Takes all kinds.

Well, time to loosen the
old belt a few notches.

[belt rattling]

[silly music]

Maybe not that many.

And hit the bar and buffet.

Ditto, my fat, greasy friend.

[footsteps tapping]

Yeah, give me four shots of rye with

a little bit of gin in it for mix.

[glasses clinking]

[alcohol trickling]

[gentle piano music]

Hey, you got a minute, boy?

Good, then why don't you
take it and f*ck off!

Lots of f*cking hot chicks here
and you's cramping my style.

Narrator: Kevin told the
old man that any somewhen

of style he might have
had went out of fashion

a few decades before
mankind became bipedal.

Then he told him he had better
things to do than hang out

with a fat, middle-aged drunk
who smelled like urine anyway.

Hey, I'm not telling you,

you's gotta hang out with your mother,

just that you's gotta get away from me.

That f*cking drink done yet?

It's right in front of you.

[footsteps tapping]

Give them back, sunshine,
you're too young to drink.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
much in the mood to argue

so he told the man that he'd be happy

to give back the drinks since

that would free up both
his hands to beat him

within an inch of his
life and pull his dead,

black heart out of his chest cavity.

Why don't you just take the whole tray

and we'll pretend this never happened?

[glasses clinking]

[bouncy funky music]

I was wondering when the
f*ck you was gonna get here.

Open bar, hey?

Get us a nice f*cking load on!

Narrator: Kevin agreed.

It was indeed a nice night
to get a f*cking load on.

Then again, he thought, what night wasn't?

Amen to that, Kevin!

Amen to that.

[gentle piano music]

So then I says to the guy,

I don't care if it was
your goat that got k*lled,

I ain't blowing you.

Anyhoo, the guy wouldn't let it drop.

So finally I just whacked him off

so that he'd shut the f*ck up.

True story.

Whose round is it anyway?

So anyway, she says to the guy,

she don't care if it was
his goat that got k*lled,

she ain't blowing him

but the f*cking guy won't leave her alone.

So she just whacked him off
so he'd shut the f*ck up.

True story.

Whose f*cking round is it anyway?

[g*nsh*t blasting]
[party guests gasping]

May I have your attention.

I am a vaguely European
t*rror1st with just enough accent

to establish I am a foreigner,

while bearing no real concrete

or discernible characteristics

including any physical attributes,

which might clearly identify me as being

of a particular ethic origin
and you are now my hostages.

[dramatic intense music]

Oh, he's a looker.

Percy: I said, whose
f*cking round is it?

[g*nsh*t blasting]
[glass smashing]

I trust that lets
you know we are serious.

I trust you realize
I don't give a f*ck.

Well, this certainly don't look good.

Narrator: But on the
bright side, Kevin said,

the line at the bar was pretty short.

I was just thinking that.

That's what I like about you, Kevin.

Narrator: Kevin was a bit disappointed

because he'd always thought it
was his winning personality.

Well, just goes to show, broken head.

Now just as the f*ck on the side,

the bird can't help but think that,

maybe it might not be the
best of ideas to walk in

a room under siege by a bunch
of heavily armed t*rrorists!

Narrator: Kevin told the
bird he didn't pay him to think

then he told him that if he
knew what was good for him,

he'd keep his worm eating
mouth shut and follow his lead.

You ain't got the stones.

[shotgun clicking]

[intense music]

Not so tough now are you, boy?

See you later, c*cksucker.

Narrator: Kevin screamed,
this isn't over, bird!

[chuckling]

Nice hiding, boy.

[dramatic music]

I called the media,
they're on their way.

Perimeter's secured.

Security guards are down,
one dead, one tied up.

The model of efficiency.

Now, contact the police.

Let them know we are here.

Let them know we have hostages.

$10 million, six hours.

Two helicopters on the roof.

We k*ll a hostage every 10
minutes if they are late.

We're in the open here from rooftops

and balconies on three sides.

There's a room upstairs.

With one wall of windows
that can be curtained off

and a separate office
with two phone lines.

It's been the plan all along.

Let me guess, you didn't read the memo?

Well, I meant to.

You know, how it is, kid was
sick and the wife was harping.

I forgot it was my night
to make macaroni surprise.

I got it with me though,

won't take me long to skim through it.

Get up to speed.

That won't be necessary.

[g*nsh*t blasting]

[party guests screaming]

Get them organized and up the stairs.

I'll be in the office calling the police.

Get in line, people!

Listen up and you won't be hurt.

We're all going for a little walk.

Walking?

f*ck!

Trade you?

Go to hell

you cruel, cruel witch.

[fist thumping]
[old woman thudding]

[cheering]
[wheelchair buzzing]

You prick!

I was gonna steal the
crippled woman's wheelchair.

[intense dramatic music]
[wheelchair buzzing]

[chuckling]

[shrieking]

Didn't take you long, hey?

I was sure he'd go out with a stroke.

Narrator: Live and learn,
Kevin said, live and learn.

Well, except for daddy.

[giggling]

[laughing]

Good one, boy.

I guess the important thing is

that we'll be able to
collect his life insurance.

If everyone is through screwing around

then get going!

Out that door and up the stairs, now!

[party guests sobbing]

[intense eerie music]

Jump up, jump down, jump up,

jump down, jump up, jump down?

Oh, if only I was good at math

so I could calculate the odds.

I wonder what a smarter man would do?

A smart man wouldn't
be stuck out on a balcony.

Well, that didn't help at all.

I wonder what a
rocket-fueled, half rabbit,

half salamander would do?

[rocket blasting]

[chuckling]

God sure does make some funny animals.

Well, jump it is.

f*ck, I pulled a hammy!

[shrieking loudly]

[silly music]

[dramatic music]

[crickets chirping]

No, you listen.

The people that I have are
worth 10 times that amount.

The money will not be a problem.

Call me when you have the money

and I will give you the transfer code

to an offshore account.

As soon as I confirm the
money has been wired,

I release the hostages.

I will k*ll one hostage every 10 minutes

passed the deadline.

Beginning with the richest.

Woo hoo!

Narrator: Kevin said, woo hoo, as well.

[giggling]

[elevator humming]

Christ almighty, this is
some kind of day I'm having.

[dramatic music]

Sweet Jesus, no!

Narrator: Percy was
terrified, but he soon realized

that there are moments in a man's life

when he must sacrifice himself
to serve the greater good.

I gotta get those smokes or die trying.

[inspirational music]

Don't move!

Hey, coworker.

Thank whichever god we believe
in, if that's what you's,

I mean, we's is doing, I set my g*n

and t*rror1st uniform down over there

while I was taking a leak

and a dodo bird knocked it off the ledge.

Dodo birds extinct
and they couldn't fly!

What's another kind of bird?

Shut up!

Down the stairs!

I'll stick you with the others.

[t*rror1st Leader]
Number three, rooftop.

I found one of the party goers.

I'll bring him back down.

After that, we're clear.

I have a better idea.

Let's show the chief of
police how serious we are.

Throw him over the ledge.

Open the curtains just a little.

I think our guests will enjoy seeing this.

Oh, sh*t.

You heard him, move!

Now jump or I'll sh**t you!

Look, since I is gonna die,

how's about giving me one request?

Can I have a smoke?

What the hell?

[bouncy playful music]

[lighter clicking]

f*cking menthols, you c*cksucker!

f*cking goon!

[screaming]

[groaning loudly]

[screaming]

Send someone up on the roof

and find out what the hells going on.

We's gotta come up with a plan, boy.

Cops don't never give
in to hostage takers.

Narrator: Kevin said, what?

I didn't hear what you said because

I was thinking about the
funniest thing I've ever seen.

Leprechauns ain't real, stupid.

Wait here.

I is gonna go talk to Mr. Big over there.

[puffing loudly]

I mean, I mean, I'll
still f*cking smoke it.

I ain't stupid but menthols, Jesus.

[playful music]

f*ck, I'm outta smokes.

What am I gonna do?

Oh, f*cking withdrawals k*lling me!

I gotta get my smokes.

Just gotta remember to
use my catlike stealth.

Move quietly, slip in
and out like the wind.

[sneaky music]

[footsteps tapping]

[magical enchanting music]

Go back with the others.

I just wanna talk to yous.

We've got nothing to say to each other.

What if I told you, I've got
a little proposition for you?

That might benefit the both of us.

Fine, I'm listening.

I'll let you toss one
into me if yous let me go.

How could that possibly
be of benefit to me?

Obviously, you ain't
never seen any of my movies.

I give it like a f*cking
wildcat between the sheets.

Close your eyes and
think of the best piece

of tail you's ever had

and then times that by 10.

Well, as charming
as all of that sounds,

I'm going to have to decline.

Now, get back with the others.

[footsteps tapping]

[intense dramatic music]

[door creaking]

Quit blocking the stairs, bone smoker.

[screaming]

Oh, that's just perfect,

now I gotta pay the deposit on the rental.

[footsteps tapping]

f*cking guy don't like girls, I guess.

We's screwed.

Come here, Kevin.

[footsteps tapping]

[dramatic music]

Listen, boy, there's a time to be noble

and go down with the ship and
there's a time not to give

a flying f*ck about the rest of humanity

and just look out for yourself.

Narrator: Kevin had to agree.

You and your family's had a good run

but you know this is the right decision.

There goes one brave son of a b*tch.

Hey?

Hey, hey, you, is you dead?

If not and yous can hear
me, do you have any smokes?

[walkie talkie crackling]

Clock's ticking my friend.

There are two dead bodies
on the ground already.

Can you conscious handle more?

What?

Yes, I know both the dead
guys were on my side.

Look, that's not the point.

Two hours.

What?

Narrator: Kevin told the t*rror1st

that there were no hard
feelings and that truth be told,

he felt he had much more
affinity for his world view than

that of the hostages.

So all things considered,

Kevin wondered if he could
have a g*n and join his side.

Would everyone please
just leave me alone.

God, you people, I swear
I'll k*ll the next person

who dares talks to me!

Percy: Hello?

Hey, hey, yous guys with the g*ns.

Who are you?

That don't matter.

I just want my smokes.

I left them on top of the bar.

You let me get my smokes
and walk out of here,

I won't call the cops or nothing.

Go downstairs and
destroy his cigarettes.

I presume it was you that threw
my colleague off the roof?

He slipped.

I tried to save him and everything.

But what about the other man?

He was attacked by a mountain lion.

I also tried to save him.

So you owe me.

So I should be allowed to get my smokes.

Shh!

Listen.

You hear that?

[box crunching]

That was the sound of me
crushing your cigarettes.

[lighter cracking]

And your lighter.

[dramatic music]

No!

I dunno who you are or
what the f*ck you's up to

but you my good sir
are a f*cking dead man.

Because nobody and I mean nobody,

f*ck with my, "No Fat Chicks", lighter.

Good day to you.

You want a w*r?

You's got one.

[intense dramatic music]

[crickets chirping]

Oh, my other hammy!

Oh, God, I'm in terrible
physical condition.

[playful lighthearted music]

That was your old man, boy.

Give me back my 20 bucks.

Narrator: Kevin said he
would prefer to hang on to it

until there was some form of
definitive scientific proof.

I'll definitive proof
your f*cking a*s up around

your shoulders if you try
and stiff me on the 20, boy.

Would you two shut up.

f*ck you!

I already dealt with that proposition

and once again, I must reiterate, no.

Never, not if you were
the last woman on earth,

you miserable, ugly, fat, slob!

Uh-oh.

Duck and cover, boy.

Come again, as*h*le?

I said, you are ugly.

You are fat and it is time you shut up!

[dramatic music]

[crickets chirping]

[screaming loudly]

[glass smashing]

[g*nshots blasting]

So while one of the city's
great landmarks lies in ruins

from those ashes, heroes rise.

I'm here with the Spencer family
who are being called heroes

and saviors by fellow hostages.

Percy Spencer, Anastasia Spencer
and, of course, their son,

Kevin, who I am sure you recognize

from various crime stopper segments.

Look, I don't mean
to be rude or nothing

but is there some, like, you know,

reward for saving everyone?

That's not something I can answer.

Well, then why don't
you just go f*ck yourself.

I'll be at the Tall.

[playful music]

[screaming]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[chuckling]

Percy: God sure does
make some funny animals.

[water bubbling]