08x06 - See You in Hell

[bunniefuu]

[gentle accordion music]

♪ Puking on the run ♪

♪ He swears at everyone ♪

♪ He's just a lousy no-good boozer ♪

♪ Another welfare loser ♪

♪ Plus his wife is just a big fat wh*re ♪

♪ And his son is rotten to the core ♪

♪ Oh why do they all stick together ♪

♪ On Kevin Spencer ♪

[upbeat piano music]

[Percy screaming]

God damn, Jesus, son
of a b*tch, c*cksucker,

sh*t, b*stard, a*s, tit, f*ck.

Annie: Hey, what's goin on?

I just stubbed my toe and cut it.

Oh, little baby Percy
got a boo-boo on his toe.

p*ssy, what do you want me to do?

Phone your mommy?

Go ahead and try, my mom's dead.

So what?

Don't make youse any better than me.

Yeah, yeah, but a
lotta other things do.

Do not.

Do too, that's it, no changies.

Do not, kick in the nuts, f*ck yousies.

I'll be at The Toe, hold my call.

I am so better than you.

Better than all of you.

You hear me, world? [screams]

[funky hip-hop music]

Narrator: Kevin grabbed a beer,

then said, "Hey Dad,
thanks for waking me up,"

and then just in case he
didn't get the sarcasm,

he said, "Oh, and by the
way, I was being sarcastic."

Ooh, snap.

No, what you was bein' is
an annoying f*cking reminder

of what could wrong in a man's life

when he gets too f*ck'
tanked to remember to pull out.

Double snap.

I'm goin' out, don't wait up,

or do, I couldn't care less.

Well, it looks like
it's just you and me, boy.

So what are you in the mood for?

Narrator: Kevin thought long and hard,

and then forgot what
he was thinking about,

and laid down on the floor to take a nap.

[Kevin thudding]

[Allen thudding]

[thumb sucking]

[eerie music]

Here we go, Mr. Franklin.

The first steps in your new life.

Eight years, unbelievable.

Thank you, Ed, thank you for everything.

You've worked hard, you deserve this.

Just stay on the right path.

[engine idling]

Get the f*ck away from me, old man,

or I will destroy you.

[eerie music]

Come on, Franklin, hold it together,

hold it together just long
enough to k*ll Kevin Spencer,

then the hell with everything else.

Looking to get an early
start on your day, Annie?

I swear, Marty, that Percy

gets more f*ck' annoying every day.

Not to mention embarrassing.

You don't know the half of it.

You shoulda seen what he
done at the Pope's funeral.

I was mortified.

[harp playing]

[Percy laughing]

[Annie whispering]

I'm sorry, I thought
you said taint Christopher.

I was mortified.

What the hell were you two doin'

at the Pope's funeral anyway?

Oh, we won tickets in a bag of chips.

Well that makes sense.
[beverage pouring]

So big plans for the weekend?

Nah, just the usual hangin' around.

Probably see ya in here.

Good chance.

[eerie music]

f*ck' astronauts, park
wherever the f*ck they like.

Think they're so cool.

I coulda gone to outer space, still might.

She f*ck' drink
herself out cold already?

That beats her old record by a mile.

No, she's...

She's dead, Percy.

Massive coronary.

She didn't feel a thing.

You have to come to the morgue

to claim the remains
and make arrangements.

Okay. How late are you open?

You're not just gonna follow us?

My family paid for this beer.

The least I can do is
drink it out of respect.

My fat, dead wife would've
wanted it that way.

You stupid fat drunk
c*cksucker, Spencer.

You never deserved her.

Annie was one hell of a woman.

God only knows why she wasted her time

with a no-good as*h*le like you.

She should've been with me.

I should've insisted on it.

I would've treated her with this.

Hey, youse got any band-A*DS?

I cut my foot.

Do I look like a god damn doctor?

f*ck' doctors, they's
worse than astronauts.

I went to school a lot, I know everything.

Gimme money, I coulda
been a f*ck' doctor,

and another thing, politicians,

and people with gardens, f*ck,

and that guy at the gas
station, that prick too.

Marty: I'm comin', Annie.

[g*nsh*t firing]
[body thudding]

[upbeat music]

I didn't do nothin',
I didn't do nothin.

[dramatic rock music]

Now that's a f*ck' daiquiri.

Narrator: Kevin had to agree

that all the extra work sure paid off.

Nice lady drink, buttercup.

f*ck' fruitcake.

Ah, sweet Jesus.

[Percy farting]

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Laugh all you want,

"but my drink has three times

the alcohol content as yours."

You know drinkin' doesn't
make you cool [laughs].

[Kevin laughing]

I f*ck' tried to keep a straight face.

Oh hey, I forgot to
tell ya, your mom died.

If it's any consolation,
she died like she lived,

drunk and face down on the floor of a bar.

Narrator: Kevin
wasn't sure how to react.

Part of him felt sad, and
another part of him felt lonely,

and another part nothing,

and then another part felt like
going and making a sandwich.

Kevin asked his dad, when the funeral was,

Well f*ck right out, we're
supposed to get the body,

hope they don't got late
fees like it's a video store.

[shouts]

Ew!

Narrator: Kevin told his old man

that he might want to have a
doctor take a look at his foot.

Doctor's don't know sh*t.

It's all f*cking pretend.

Universities don't even exist,

it's just something losers made up

so they could examine people naked

without having to pay for it.

Remove all your clothes
and get up on the table,

say ah, bend over, just a
bunch of f*cking a*s freaks

looking for an angle to
fiddle with people's bums.

Narrator: Oh well,
suit yourself, said Kevin,

mostly because he didn't
much give a rat's a*s

what happened to the old b*stard.

Oh I usually do suit myself

you sass talking little b*stard.

I usually do.

Look if you're going out
do your daddy a solid

and get your mothers body.

Narrator: Kevin said
normally he'd be happy to,

but claiming a body wasn't
as easy as it sounded

since the morgue had pretty strict rules

about who could and couldn't
sign out the remains

of the dead.

Not that it was impossible
or beyond the scope

of possibilities, just
that he'd never he able

to carry her himself.

Not to mention he'd
have nowhere to keep her

because all his favorite spots were full.

Creepy.

[rock music]

[screeches]

Give it.

[bangs]

We didn't do nothing,
we didn't do nothing.

[dramatic music]

[growls]

[pants]

Ha.

Wha?

I'm looking for Kevin.

I don't know what you think I was doing

but I weren't rubbing one out.

What you do with your
genitalia is of no concern to me.

All I want is your son.

He aint home.

Where is he?

Hang on a minute.

You that a-hole doctor
what used to treat my boy.

Indeed.

Fat lot of f*cking good you done,

you should see him now, man if you thought

he was f*cked in the head before.

Let's just say I have decided

to initiate an alternate

and somewhat unconventional
therapeutic regimen.

Let's just say I actually
understood what you's just said

so what, I don't give a sh*t.

Hey, you're a doctor look at my toe,

that seem right to you?

I'm not a general practitioner.

My god!

[gross music]

Holy snapping articles, my toes gone.

I bet it was the f*cking boy.

Purely an educated guess,

but it appears to present
all the trademark symptoms

of necrotizing fascitis.

Neck tie face eating boss?

What the hell does that mean?

Fascitis, flesh eating
disease, it will keep eating

away at your body

until you receive proper
medical attention.

You should be in the hospital.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to hunt down,

I mean find your precious little son.

You just bringing the one knife then?

Best of luck egg head.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need
to get back to my research.

[upbeat music]

Let me try and get in
the fast lane, oh no no,

okay now, oh oh sorry.

Make a tray indicator,
wait wait, oh wait no.

No, no, no not now, no, no, no.

Get the f*cking grid lock Kevin.

[buzzes]

Narrator: Kevin said, wow,
that's my best score ever

then he told his friend
Alan that if he ever decided

to play that game again,
that he had permission

to carve his brain and heart
out for being such a loser.

Consider it done.

Now what?

Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a bit,

then suggested they got get blind drunk.

[upbeat music]

[crowd chatters]

[hisses]

[screams]

[playful music]

Anyway I crushed some
aspirin and sprinkled

that right on it, it stung like a f*ck

so I figure it must work.

So how did you hurt your head anyway?

I tried committing suicide,
shot myself in the head.

Figured it was lights out when I woke up

two days later, splitting
f*cking headache but alive.

Strange world.

I guess, I don't really
pay attention though.

What I'm trying to say is,

get your disgusting f*cking foot

off of the bar you fat a*s prick.

Oh hey, How'd Annie's funeral go?

Oh sh*t, that's what
I was on my way to do.

You haven't even buried her yet?

Well how could I if I
haven't claimed the body?

Give me some credit, f*ck.

You're unbelievable.

You don't know the half of it.

Well, I guess, ah just one for the road,

Annie aint going nowhere.

[dramatic music]

[sirens wailing]

You all think you're so
special, so much better than me.

For years, you've been pursuing
me around well, no more.

Today's the day that the world learns

I am not a man to be toyed with.

[bangs]

World, be, [shouts]

That's it, you're coming with us.

[siren wailing]

Bout time someone
set that jerk straight,

he really pushes my buttons.

Narrator: It's the glasses, Kevin said,

all people who where glasses
are useless, miserable assholes

who don't deserve the gift of live.

With their gene pool
weakening deficiencies.

What an odd segment
of society to harbor

such palpable disdain for.

[bangs]

Narrator: Well, thought Kevin,

someone is sh**ting at us, we best run.

[bangs]

You can run Spencer but
you can't hide forever,

you hear me Spencer?

Hey, what the hell's going on Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin wasn't sure,

he recognized the voice of
the man yelling at them,

but he couldn't quite place who it was.

Like that f*cking matters stupid,

you think the b*ll*ts gonna hurt less

because it's a stranger?

Geez Louise boy,
sometimes its all I can do

not to smack you in the head.

Do you hear me Kevin?

Smack you in the head.

Narrator: Kevin told
the bird that he was sorry,

and to make it up to 'em
he would show 'em how

to make orange sauce,
for Peking f*cking duck.

Easy now, let's just
get home and figure out

what the hell we gonna do.

[soft music]

Sir I've got four
third world countries,

one with diamonds and four with forests.

[grumbles]

And there's a guy fishing in Canada

who has a mustache and
an olive complexion.

Our mole says that he's from Sarnia,

I don't think I have to tell
you that in Sarnia, Syria.

What about government?

[laughs] Canadian
government, they'll help us.

[laughs evilly]

[grumbles]

[soft music]

[booms]

[laughs evilly]

[sad music]

Well this is it Marty old boy,

time to meet your destiny.

[shouts]

What the hell has a
somewhat lazily constructed

drunken Irish stereotype have

to do to k*ll himself these days.

[chomps]
[Screams]

get off, get off, oh my
god this is so gratuitous.

[soft music]

Come on, let's go.

Time's a-wasting boy.

That you boy.

Narrator: Kevin said,
hey daddy, what's up?

You got your mom?

Narrator: Kevin said, well you know,

something came up.

Save it, never before has
this family been so disappointed

by your negligence,

there's but one way you
can redeem yourself.

Get daddy a smoke.

Narrator: Kevin said,
if he was so blessed

and wanting in his need to smoke something

then maybe he should smoke his own pole.

A zing.

[playful music]
[cheers and applauds]

Fine, I'll do it myself.

[clatters]

Is it just me or did your
daddy used to have two legs?

Narrator: Kevin said,
I can't really remember.

Well is he just gonna stand there

or is somebody gonna help me up, f*ck.

Narrator: Kevin told his
daddy that the only thing

he was going to get from
him was a big heaping plate

of not helping.

Fine, but don't think I
aint gonna remember this boy.

I'm just thankful your mother isn't here

to see this shameful disrespect.

Narrator: You wrote the
book on shameful, Kevin said.

What with your bad parenting and drinking.

Oh, like I'm the only one in the family

who sometimes drinks too much.

f*ck you son.

Narrator: Kevin said, no dad, f*ck you.

You insubordinate little b*stard.

Narrator: Fat prick.

as*h*le.

Narrator: Reprobate.

Loser.

Narrator: wh*re father.

How dare you.

Look boy, this little family moment

is touching and all but in case you forgot

there's some crazy guy trying to k*ll us.

We gotta split.

Narrator: Kevin said, it was fine.

Whoever it was likely
didn't know where he lived

and they were safe here.

It weren't just some guy boy,

it was that Dr, Mr Franklin

and he's pissed and he
knows where you live

'cause he was here looking
and I wasn't masturbating.

Well then Kevin, what
with your mommy gone

and your daddy on his way,
it would seem as though

this little nuclear family is over.

Time to leave the nest boy, you and me

we'll get jobs and skill.

A little place of our own,
it'll be f*cking fantastic.

Narrator: Kevin
wasn't sure if he agreed

with the long term plan but
since getting the hell out

of here was a good idea,

he figured he'd play the rest by ear.

Then let's make to our
chariot then my good man,

don't worry none, Alan will always be here

to take care of you.

So that's it, you's gonna
take the word of a goose

over your daddy?

Kevin come on, we gotta go broken head,

Mr Franklin's gonna be hear
soon and if he finds us

we's f*cked.

Shut up yellow bird.

You aint leaving boy, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

Narrator: Kevin said,
shut up and quit screaming

I'm right here.

What's it gonna be you
ungrateful fruit of my loins?

Narrator: Kevin was confused

and he wasn't sure what to do.

He told his imaginary friend Alan

and his fat disappearing father
that they could both come

and he would figure it out later

because all that mattered
right now was getting away.

[tense music]

Place, place, place, happy place.

Place place, happy place, place place,

happy place, place place.

My f*cking neck tie face eating boss

ate through me sideways to
my other leg fell off, see?

Well, I guess there is
a greater plan at work.

God must want me to live.

I'm saved, I accept you into my heart.

Why have you forsaken me!

[splashes]

Hey hey, what the hell's
going on, where you going?

Narrator: Kevin told
the bird he was going

to claim his mother's body
and give her a proper burial.

[cries] Just drive
Kevin, if we stop running,

Mr Franklin's gonna get us.

[squeals]

Dude's f*cked now.

Shut up.

Look at me, my name's Spencer

and I'm f*ck f*ck f*cked now.

Kevin, Kevin!

A nuts, you's lucky
my arms just fell off.

Real lucky.

Sweet blessed baby
Jesus, what's happening.

[tense music]

Hey buddy how's it going?

Put me in the car Kevin, let's go.

Not so fast,

Uh-oh.

You's f*cked now bird.

[laughs]

[yells]

f*ck 'em, let's go Kevin.

Narrator: Kevin said, goodbye Alan.

[engine revs]

[booms]

[sad music]

[upbeat music]

You mean it was all just in my head?

Exactly.

Hmm, how bout that?

[rock music]

♪ Kevin, Spencer ♪

♪ I don't like you never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Alan: Happy place, place
place, happy place, place place.

[bubbles]