02x23 - For the Love of Fraud/Not So Special Delivery

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

-[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]
- Maybe we can deposit

your life savings tomorrow.

-[SQUEAKING]
- I said

we can deposit
your life savings.

Ah! Sorry, Squeaks.

It's hard for me to talk
over all this noise!

What is all this?

Step right up, folks,

and grab yourself a bottle of
Foghorn's Snake Oil
Supplements,

a magical mixture guaranteed
to remedy any malady.

Now, who out there
has aches and pains, huh?

[ALL CHEER]

Social anxiety
keeping you down?

MAN: [MEEKLY] Um, yes. I do.
I'm sorry.

With Foghorn's Snake Oil
Supplements you'll feel better
in no time!

Sprains, rashes, itches,
it'll even do your dishes!

Ooh!
Can it fix up my sore tooth?

-[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]
- Why, of course it can,

stranger who
I've never met before.

It can be trusted
to fix your biscuspid.

Hey, it totally feels better
and everything.

[STAMMERS] And I'm
not just saying that
because he's paying me.

- Now, who wants to buy
some of Foghorn's Snake Oil?
-[ALL CLAMORING]

This guy is
about as genuine as a
Times Square wrist watch.

Oh, no, Squeaks!

You didn't buy
all those bottles, did you?

[SQUEAKING]

And you spent
your entire life savings?

[GULPING]

[GAGGING]

-[SCREAMS]
- Well, of course
it doesn't work.

It's snake oil!
It says so
right on the bottle!

Don't worry, I'm going
to get your money back.

I'm going to
teach this guy a lesson.

- What a bunch of rubes!
-[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

To say it's like
taking candy from a baby,
would be an insult to candy!

[CHUCKLES] Hey!

Where did this
fancy sports car come from?

She's a real beauty,
ain't she?

Ooh, yeah!

Why don't you take a gander?
You big goose.

Take a look at this
aerodynamic side paneling.

Feast your eyes
on this roomy interior.

Check out this trunk!
It's big enough
to fit a whale.

-[WHALE CALLS]
-[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

So, make me an offer.

I'll give you 100 bucks!

With everything
I've shown you?
This was my old man's baby!

Maybe I should keep it.

I mean, he lined the
floorboards with $100 bills.

I'll give you 5,000!

And you'll never see
a diamond-studded chassis
like this again.

Twenty thousand.

And it's a pretty special car

that has The Declaration
of Independence
sewn into the backseat.

Fifty thousand!
Sixty thousand!

- Yeah, she's a keeper.
- Oh, wait!

Ooh! Ah! Come on! Eighty!

No, no, 100,000!

You've got a deal!

[ENGINE STALLS]

[METAL CLANGS]

What the...
Counterfeit?

And let me guess,
cubic zirconia?

I can see this is
a sucker game, rabbit.

A shakedown, a subterfuge
the money, the diamonds,
the historical document,

it's all a hoax!

Wait, wait, that's the real
Declaration of Independence...

Oh...
Well, the car's a lemon, son.

- No, this is a lemon.
- I declare!

That's just a lousy car
you spent too much money on.

He's got me there.
Well, good on him.

There's always
more money to be made.

Sure it's...
I say, sure it's embarrassing,
but a real entrepreneur

is always sniffing
for the next opportunity,

- I oughta say.
-[SOBBING]

What the...

Why, is that
the sound of tears
from an old gold miner?

What's the matter, old timer?

I've been working
in this silver mine
for nigh on 10 years.

Breaking my back,
working to the bone,

and all I've found
are these little yellow rocks.

Little yellow rocks
you say, huh?

Uh, these look like g...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Say, uh, just between
you and me, uh,

how many of these
little, old yellow rocks
did you happen to find?

-[CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ooh!

[SLOT MACHINE MUSIC PLAYING]

Something about a fella
who doesn't realize he's
sitting on a pile of treasure

that's a little... Ugh!

I'll tell you what,
how about I buy that land
that your mine sits on

and you can move on
from these nasty,
worthless stones.

Well, I guess I could
for maybe 100...

Sold! Now that I
own your mine, sir,
you've been had!

These ain't rocks!

This here's gold!
You've been hornswaggled,

bamboozled,
flimmed and flammed

by the one and only
flim-flam man.

-[UNZIPS]
- I suppose this covers

the gold colored paint
I used, though, flim-flam Man.

[PAINT STICKING]

Why, you little...

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

I say, I say,
get back here, boy!

Now, you're going to
give me back everything
you stole from me!

You're the one
who stole everybody's money!

Well, of course I'm stealing,
I'm a grifter.

I'd steal the shirt
off your back

and be way across
the county before
you know it's gone.

It's a sham, son!

In fact, they should call it
Foghorn's Fake Oil.

It doesn't make you
feel healthy,

- it makes you feel dumb.
-[BOTTLE SHATTERS]

Because that's what you are
when you buy it.
D-U-M-B, dumb.

Don't tell me, tell them!

-[ALL GRUNTING ANGRILY]
- Now, now, now,
let me explain.

In many countries,
dumb is a term of endearment.

Like, "That dress
looks dumb on you!"

Or, "Happy Mother's Day,
dummy!"

[ALL COMPLAINING]

Oh, easy, fellas!

[LOUD PUNCHING AND THUDDING]

HORACE: I'm not just hitting
you because you're paying me!

FOGHORN: Whoa! Oomph!

[GROANS]

Do you have anything
for aches and pains?

Well, I've heard good things
about Foghorn's Snake Oil.

And don't forget
to recycle the empties.

-[WHISTLES]
-[METAL CRASHING]

-[SQUEAKING]
- Got your savings back?

Just goes to show you,
Squeaks,

if you drink
too much snake oil,
you wind up trashed.

-[BABY COOING]
- Boy, this job you got us

is the worst.

[STAMMERING] You don't like
delivering babies?

There's nothing more
wonderful in the world!

Babies are
perfect little angels...

[STAMMERING] Perfect little...

[STAMMERS]
They're bundles of joy.

Just one final delivery...

-[STAMMERS] One baby left.
-[BABY LAUGHS]

That little Jack Forest.

Come on,
let's get this over with.

[READING]

-[GURGLES]
- Well, I guess
we just leave him here, then.

[STAMMERS] Now wait a second.

[STAMMERS] We can't just
leave him on the doorstep.

Fine. We'll take him inside.

Ooh!

A fella could get used to
a place like this.

[STAMMERS] Oh, my.
This place isn't safe for...

[STAMMERS] Little one.
I'm gonna have to...

[STAMMERS]
...baby-proof this place.

Yeah, yeah. You do that.

All open sockets should be
padlocked and properly closed.

[GASPS] And this TV

could unexpectedly show
a cartoon program and...

[STAMMERS] ...damage his
innocent little mind.

[LOUD CLATTERING]

Hey! I was watching that!

My mind's already damaged.

And this couch
isn't properly covered
to keep the dust away.

Perhaps you're going
a little overboard.

[STAMMERS]
What makes you say that?

You've totally bubble wrapped
the entire house!

DAFFY: You even
bubble wrapped the baby!

[STAMMERS]
Well, you don't know
what it takes to be a parent.

Oh, I bet I could be a better
parental figure than you!

Oh, okay.
If you're such a good parent

go into the kitchen
and get Jack something to eat.

No problem,
it's not astrophysics.

It's not, is it?

[STAMMERS] We're going to
show Uncle Daffy how
challenging parenting can be.

-[CHUCKLES] Aren't we,
baby Jack?
-[LAUGHING]

-[DISHES BREAKING]
- DAFFY: I'm okay!

Now remember, Daffy,
babies can't eat adult food.

Okay, dinner is served.

[STAMMERS] Make sure
you give it a taste test first

to make sure
it's safe for little Jack.

You can't be too careful...
[STAMMERS] Cautious.

Too cautious!

I can't be cautious at all!

[SWALLOWS]

[GULPS]

[CHUGS]

[EXPLODES]

What have I done?

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]

- Ah!
-[BABY CRYING]

[STAMMERS] See, Daffy?

I told you
you weren't a good parent.

Now he's all upset!

Out of my way, bub.
I'll cheer him up!

I can put a smile
on a driver's license!
[WHOOPING]

We want to make him laugh,
not cry!

Ah!

Whoop! Argh!

[GROANS]

Hey! What's the big idea?

[LAUGHS]

[STAMMERS] There, look.
Babies like calamity.

Oh-h*-h*, really?

Uh-oh. Ah! Ooh.

-[NEIGHS]
- Ride 'em, cowboy!

Babies like calamity, huh?

Then he'll really like this!

Stop! Stop it!
[STAMMERS] Look!

[LAUGHS AND COOS]

-[STAMMERS] We've got to
kick it up a notch.
-[GASPS]

Let me give it a shot.

[GROANS]

[DAFFY GRUNTING]

[EXCLAIMS]

[GROANS]

[CONFUSED MUTTERING]

[BOTH GROAN]

[COOS AND LAUGHS]

[BOTH SIGHING]

- Did you hear that?
-[CRASHES]

- See! He's laughing!
I'm a great dad!
-[LAUGHS]

PORKY: I'll admit it,
you've got good instincts.

But you have yet to prove
that you can handle
an actual baby.

[STAMMERS] Oh, no!

- You want me to practice
being a father on you?
- Uh, yeah.

If you can parent a pig
you can parent a baby.

Oomph!

[STAMMERS] Put a little
oomph into it.

Oh, I'll put a little oomph
into it, all right.

-[THUDS]
-[BELCHES]

Aw, does someone
need to be rocked...

Oomph! [GROANS]

-...and rolled?
-[EXCLAIMS]

Hmm, maybe you should take
this for a spin, you big baby.

Yay, baby!

-[PORKY SCREAMING]
- It's good!

[STRUGGLES]

[STAMMERS]
You are a terrible parent.

[STAMMERS] You put a baby
in a diaper pail!

It's not my fault.
You're a terrible baby.

[STAMMERS] No way.
I'm a great baby.

I could be a way better baby
than you.

[SOBBING LIKE A BABY]

[SOBS LIKE A BABY]

Goo-goo! Ga-ga!

[STAMMERS AND CRIES]

I made a boom-boom!

I need to be changed!

[ALL CRYING]

- Look, hon, triplets!
- Hot dog!

Come here, boys.
We're going
to take care of you!

[STAMMERING]
Actually, I'm Porky Pig.

I deliver babies.
And you don't have triplets.

You have twins!

[IMITATING BABY]
Goo-goo, ga-ga!

[NORMAL VOICE]
Do not blow this for me.

Are you sure, Mr. Duck?

Yes, look at this place.

Who wouldn't
want to live here?

Well, you've got
a fine home here.

Your boys are going to be
well-fed and pampered
for the rest of their lives.

Home? Oh, no.

We just sold this place!

- We got tired
of the city life...
-[GASPS]

...so we sold
all of our possessions.

We're going to
live in the desert.

- In a tent!
- A tent?

I want out!
I'm not a baby! I'm...

- See you later, Porky.
- And thank you!

[SPITS] Don't you go...

It was my pleasure.

You've got
one beautiful family.

And one ugly duckling