03x04 - The Patrick Show Land/Legend of the Lost Bathroom

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

- Bye, honey.

Catch you on the flip-flop.

- Mwah!

- Good luck
with your show, son.

- See you after work, Dad.

All right, folks!

Give me a P.
- P!

- Give me an A!

[together]
A!

- Give me a T!
- T.

- Give me a, uh--
[straining]

- Oh, uh, the next letter is R,
Patrick!

Hmm?
What?

- [straining]
Phew!

Sorry.

I'm a little cheer loaded up
right now.

- Hey, hey, hey.
Hands off the talent.

- But-- but we love
"The Patrick Show."

We just wanted to get
closer to the action.

- We want a more
immersive experience.

[fans screaming]

- Closer to the action?

More incursive.
Hmm.

- Let me help you
with that idea, Patrick.

- Hmm.

[groans]

[grunting]
I got it!

[machinery whirring]

[bright music]

- Boy, these 40-hour days
are k*lling me.

Can't wait to come home
and re-- oh!

Hey, what's going on here?

- Fans of "The Patrick Show,"
experience me like

never before with
Patrick Show Land!

Our theme park is now open!

[blade rings]
- Hi-ya!

- This house is your--

[crowd clamoring]

Let's see what our new land
has to offer.

Take it away, Squidina.

- Certainly.

There's GrandPat's
Thrilling Chairlift.

- [whimpering]

[screaming]

[panicked shouting]

[grunts]

So that's what it's like
to be old.

- Bunny's Bumper Vacuums!

- Ha-ha!
- Yow!

[laughter]

[vacuums whirring]

[expl*si*n]

[both coughing]

[together]
Yay!

[coughing]

- Tinkle's Toilet Plunge.

- Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

- [scatting]

[pipes clanking]

Eh? What's that?

[metal rumbling]

Oh!

- And don't forget to pick up
your souvenir photo!

- Excuse me, sir.
I live here.

So if you don't mind,
I'm just gonna mosey on in--

oh!
- No cutting.

- End of the line!

All the way back there.

- Now, looky here, misters.

I am the property owner

and nothing is gonna keep me
from going in that...

[screams]
House!

[expl*si*n]

- Good afternoon, everyone,

and welcome to
the official VIP

Patrick Star Studios Tour.

- [groans]
Hey, wait for me!

- Our first stop
is the bottomless couch.

Who knows what wonders
lie inside?

- I got $1!
- Oh!

I found a tiny person!

- Are you my new daddy?

- I am now.

- I want more!

[voice fading]
Hey, it really is bottomless!

- Bunny's Bunch o' Bubbles,

where you can get
a scrubdown

from the queen of clean
herself.

- Feeling clean yet?

- Yeah, I promise.
I'm clean! I'm clean!

- Ooh, there's a speck.

- No, not again.

- [humming]
♪ Doo, doo, doo

- Catch a glimpse
of our grizzled geezer

in our GrandPat Safari.

- Rapscallion!
[grunts]

[yawns]

[camera clicking]
Huh? Oh!

[camera clicking]

No flash photography!

- [sniffing]
Rotting garbage

and burning tires?

Aw, they're having dinner
without me.

- Patrick Show Land presents
Foods of the Kitchen!

- Finally, we get to eat!

- All foods locally sourced
from the family fridge.

- That's right!

We've got
trasherole leftovers,

microwaved to perfection,

last Friday's
sneaker a la mold,

and...
[gasps]

Hey, everybody,
it's Patrick Star!

[crowd murmuring]

[all cheering]

- Whoo-hoo!

- It's him!
It's really, really him!

Amazing.
- Ugh.

Let's just hope the food

isn't as tasteless
as that phony costume.

- Nuh-uh-uh!
- What gives?

[crowd gasping]

- The experience isn't about
you eating the food.

It's about you
watching me eat the food.

[munching]

- Oh, wow.

That is amazing.

- [grunts]

Well, it's a good thing
I brought my own rations. Ah.

- No outside food
in the park either!

Company policy.
[snapping fingers]

- [growling]

- Take him away, boys.

[munching]

- Let me go.
Let me go.

I'm giving Patrick Star Land
a zero star review!

- There's gotta be some way to
get through this line faster.

[gasps]
Family!

They'll let me into the house.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Coming through.
Don't mind me.

Watch your head.

- Hey, no cutting!

- Family!
I'm so happy to see...

you?
Oh, no!

Someone stole their faces!
- Hey!

[together] Back of the line,
you line cutter!

- Uh-oh.
This way.

I'm sorry, honey.
[smooches]

- Ha!
- Ha!

[together]
Aha, now we got you.

- [sobbing]
- Great job, you two.

My son's been looking forward
to that photo all day.

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

- This is our final stop,
and we saved the best for last.

- Whoa!

[camera clicks]
- [screams]

- Watch your step
and brace yourselves for...

- The Patrick Star Experience,

where you're the star
and a Patrick.

- Wow.

- First, put on your official
Patrick Show Land Patrick suit.

- Oh!

- Out of my way!

[shivers]
It's like I'm wearing his skin.

[laughs]

- Let's get a move on.

Here comes Patrick Star.

It's showtime.

But what will you do
for the audience?

Time for an idea brick.

- Ugh!
Thank you, sir.

May I have another?

[groans]
Oh, it's nap time.

- This is the most mind-numbing


- Another great show.

And now Patrick's favorite
part of the day, bedtime.

[remote beeps]

- You know what, folks?

Dreams really do come true.

[sobbing]

- Ugh.

This line is taking forever.

I've turned all old and gray.

- Hey, give me back
my novelty GrandPat beard.

- Ow!
- That thing cost me 40 bucks!

- I'm over waiting in line.

Time to go under it.

[grunts]

[patrons exclaiming]

- Whoa!
- Phew!

Now, where was I?
- Next.

Next in line.

- I guess that's me.

Hot dog.

Finally, home sweet...

home, home, home?

What-- what the barnacles
is going on?

[house whirring]

- Whee!
[laughter]

- Let's not forget
Patrick Land's

greatest thrill ride,
the Twirl and Hurl.

- And every rider gets a
complimentary Patrick puke bag.

- [gurgling]
[belches]

[together]
Don't you dare!

- [gulps]

[laughter]

[together]
Faster! Faster!

- Oh!

Oh, my.

[both straining]

[house whirring]

- Ugh, I'm at the end
of the line again.

I know how to pass the time.

Yip-oy.
[groans]

[wind whistling]

- [groans]
How long have I been out?

Say, where is everybody?

[groans]
Well, at least there's no one

to stop me from going home.

[grunts]
Huh?

Cans of expired glue?

[horse neighing]

This stuff lost its stickiness
back when I was in diapers.

- [groans]
Oh, yes.

- Cecil, where have you been?

- Boy, you wouldn't believe
the day I had, honey.

I'm just pleased
as pickle punch to finally

be home with my wife,
my dad, my daughter,

my son, my other son.
- Ooh!

I love you, too, Dad.

[all scream]

- I love all these sons.

And that one.
- Whoa!

- And that one.
- Ah!

- And that one.
- Oh!

- And that one.

[people chanting]
One more prune!

One more prune!

- [straining]
[grunting]

- Oh! They're almost to
the millionth prune, wake up!

- [babbling]

[machinery beeping
and clanking]

[machine chiming]

[machine dings]

[fireworks whistling]

[all cheering]

- [gurgling indistinctly]

- What's that, Patrick?

You need something to
wash down all those prunes?

We've got coffee,
chunky salsa, or prune juice.

- [gulping]

[sighs]
Huh?

[gurgling]

Hey, folks at home,
you know what that sound means.

- A catastrophic seismic event?

- Close.
I gotta go to the bathroom!

[straining]

- Whoa!
- Excuse me.

It's an emergency.

- Wait for me.
What?

You never know
when good TV might happen.

- [straining]

[knocking]

I need to use the bathroom!

- Sorry, son.

I'm using the toilet
right now to do my taxes.

Hmm.
Got any 1099s?

[yelps]
My mortgage is underwater!

- Downstairs bathroom!

- Ah!

- GrandPat, move!

Upstairs is occupied,
and I gotta go potty.

- This is my toilet time, see?

It's part of my three-hour
morning routine.

The first step is,
I shed my skin.

- Huh?
Whoa!

- Now, get out!

- Please!
We're all out of bathrooms!

- Well, you have
one other option.

But it's told of
only in legend.

[foreboding music]

- [teeth chattering]

- There's tale of
a lost bathroom in this house,

but no one's ever done
what it takes to find it.

Solve the riddle.

[exhales]
Now scram!

- Whoa!
A treasure hunting episode.

The quest to find
the lost bathroom.

- Let's hope
it's a short quest.

[toilet flushing]

Three letters in meek.

Three seasons in a year.

Year rhymes with ear.

Pizza sounds yummy
right about now.

Hmm, we're close.
- We're not.

- I gotta do
some pacing about this.

[feet thudding]
What is meek?

- Ouch.
Excuse me.

- Oh. Sorry.
- No, no.

Hope you haven't
been inconvenienced

by my shattered bones.

[arm cracks]

- Can't talk right now.
I'm looking for someone meek.

- Patrick,
the Dartfish are meek.

[together]
Ooh.

[together]
Ah!

- Honey, I'm home.

And I brought a guest.

- Hi.
- A guest?

- Is this where
the lost bathroom is?

- Um, we don't have a bathroom.

But long ago,
our family was asked

to look after
this sacred scroll

and give it to
the one who inquires

about the lost bathroom.

And now we bestow it upon ye.

- Me?
- Ye.

- Ye!
I mean, yay!

[Dartfish coughing]

- Thanks for stopping by.

- And I love
the new open floor plan.

- Let's see what it says.

- Whoa, it's a map
of our living room.

- I don't see
a lost bathroom though.

I give up.
What's on TV?

- Hmm.
What about this chair?

It's in a different place
than normal.

It's over here now.

- Hey, there are holes
in this toilet paper.

It's useless.
- Wait a second.

Let me see that.

Look, the holes correspond
to numbers on the keypad.

Dial five, nine, star.

[line trilling]
- We're sorry.

Your call cannot be completed
as this is a chair.

- Hmm,
it's a cell phone chair,

so try butt dialing.

- Stand back for destiny.

[chair beeping]

[deep rumbling]

[both gasp]

- That's a
funny-looking toilet.

- It's not a toilet.

It's a secret passageway.

Come on!

- I've heard
of sunken living rooms,

but this is ridiculous.

[percussive sting]

Huh. It looks like
whoever drew this map

forgot to draw the rest
of the path...

[screaming]
Way!

- Patrick!
- Huh?

- Don't move.

- Don't you mean, "Don't fall?"

- Whoa!

- Squidina, stop!

Back up a little.
Ooh!

Yeah, right-- right there.
- Oh!

- I got a knot.

[grunts]
Ooh, yeah.

[sighs]
All right, let's go.

- The map says
after we cross the gap,

we'll have to push
one of these buttons,

and the incorrect one
will lead to torment

beyond anything we've ever...
[buzzer blares]

Imagined.
[gasps]

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

[both grunting]

[both screaming]

- Oh.

[together]
Wow.

- At last.

I have been waiting
in this tomb for centuries,

waiting for the chosen one.

You!
Oh.

There's two of yous.
Uh, yous.

- I like your towel.

- This ain't a towel!

'Tis a holy robe bestowed
upon me by the ancient order

of the Pipes Templar.

Taketh this ancient device.

- Um, ancient, right.

- Now, using all your cunning,

you must solve the
increasingly difficult puzzles

that I have cleverly hidden
around this room

in order to discover
which sink is the one

that's clogged by a special key
that opens

the chamber of the lost--

- Found it!
- Huh?

Oh, well, uh...
[coughs]

Now you must still findeth
the secret door.

And that is a task
to test even the wisest--

- Found the door!
- Oh, come on!

I spent centuries
creating that puzzle.

It would have been great,
but you doth ruined it!

Gah!
Chosen, schmosen.

- Heh, that's me!

Chosen schmosen from the ocean!

Ahh!
- Patrick!

[gasps]
I think you found it!

This must be the lost bathroom!

We made it!

- [farts]
Well, let's get cooking.

- No, you knave!

You must dig.

It's "X marks the spot,"
not "X marks the squat."

- OK.
I dig it.

- Yeah, you dig.
- I dig.

You dig?
- No, you dig.

- I dig.

- That's what
I'm trying to say!

- I love treasure hunts.

[both grunting]

[both gasping]

[together]
The lost bathroom!

- This place is huge!

[royal fanfare]

[both gasping]
King Neptune!

- I can't go with
a god watching.

- Time to make a deposit
at the royal treasury.

[chuckles]
But first-- oh, yeah!

Who's the god with the bod?

Yeah!

- Quick, let's go back
and wait this out.

[both grunting]
- Intruders!

How dare you invade
my private bathroom!

It's private.
- Your bathroom?

This is our secret bathroom.

That's what the poem said.
- Oh, yeah?

Does your mortal bathroom have
my monogrammed toilet paper?

- Yes!

No.

- I'm so glad we could have
this little chat.

Now get out!
- Oh!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Toodle-oo!

[chuckles]
Now, then, it's showtime.

[laughs]
What the--

- Hello again!

- Oh, come on!

Don't make me call
the Pipes Templar.

[grunting]

- [groans]
Hey!

- Whoa!

- Wait!

Was that Patrick Star?

I love that guy.

[pipes clanking]

[both groaning]

[both grunt]

- So much for
the legendary lost bathroom.

I guess you could just go use
Granny Tentacle's toilet.

- It's OK.
I don't have to go anymore.

- You don't?
- Nope. False alarm.

- Well, how about we try the
two million prune challenge?

- Great idea.

That's the kind of
sophistimicated entertainment

our viewers love.
- You said it, Patrick.

[elegant music]

- So you see,
loyal viewers,

the lost bathroom was inside
Patrick's heart all along.

Good night, everybody.

[toilet flushing]