01x01 - Wu-Tang Clan & Dave Chappelle

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers Come on, come

on You can say what you want And they'll

never know if you're deranged Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter No,

it doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over With laughter at the

expense ofMaybe even your mother

wants to join the Crank Yankers tonight.

Crank Yankers!

Good afternoon, Marsh Point.

Hello, quiet down.

I'm looking for an apartment.

Okay. And I heard

you got him there. We do. Do

you have pets?Are

pets allowed?No. Uh,

noWhat?

And I got no pets. Okay,

I just hear a lot of dogs barking in the

background. That's a TV set I'm watching,

the dog channel. We have one

and two-bedroom units. Yeah. And the

one-bedroom are 715... Shh.

Camantha, quiet. Uh-huhOh,

yeah. Quiet. I'm trying to catch an

apartment. Turn down that TV

shut. OK. Thank you for your inquiry. Oh,

hello. Yes. OK, so...

We don't allow pets, and it's clear that

you have pets in the background. No,

that's that's a TV show. No, I mean, I I

hear the noise. That was not pets in the

background. Thank you. Bye, bye.

Thank you for calling SST Towing. How may

I help you?I just picked up my 92 Accord

from your lot and there is a huge turd

in the back seat. And there's there's

what in the backseat?A turd. A piece of

shitA big a*s human turd in the

backseat of my car. Ma'am, I assure you,

our guys did not take a dump in your car.

If you want to bring that car back and

we'll take a look at it. You oh, you want

to take a look at it?My car is fine. It's

that big a*s turd in the backseat. OK,

what would you like me to do?OK, how

about I go to your house and pinch a loaf

on your couch?How about that?Ma'am, what

would you like me to do to fix the

situation?I want somebody to come over

here, get this turned out my backseat.

That's not going to happen. What do you

mean it's not going to happen?You can

bring the car here and we can take a look

at it. I am. I'm going to bring it back

there. You know what I'm going to do?I'm

going to take a dump in every last car

you got there. I'm going to pee on your

counter. I'm going to do it all to show

you how it feels. And you know what?You

sound like a big burly man. It probably

came out your assOh yeah, I

I don't make it a habit of going out and

taking a dump in the car. How much do you

weigh?About 400 lbs. That's your

turd. That is your turd. Yes, that came

up from a 400 LB man. This is a 400 LB

man. Either that or a gorilla. I'm

driving this car right to my lawyer's

office. And I'm going to let the whole

world see. You're going to be on the news

this evening, buddy. I'm going to get 7

on my side. Watch. You're going to be on

the news. Can you describe the the

piece of shitI mean, what's it look like?

You know what it is?It came out your a*s

What the hell you were

kind of asking me what color?I tell you

what, it smells ungodly. That's what it

smells like. Smells like you sold your

a*s to the devil. That came from the pics

of hell. Well, how big is it?How long is

it?This matter is as long as my arm.

I don't think it's funny. Why y'all?This

is not funny. I got a damn two by four

in my back seat. You know, I think this,

I think this some racial sh*t too. That's

what this is.

Little kids are running away from it.

Ohh I'm glad y'all find this funny.

OK, you're probably jacking off on the

steering wheels too, don't you?Alright,

alrightHow?How long does it look like

it's been sitting there?Steve is coming

off of it. OK.

Steve. Steam is coming off of it. Yes.

I can't be there that long

now, huhI am taking this. It's a fresh

turd. OK. What you need to do

is you need to bring that turd back and

we'll match it up. We got a line up.

We'll match it up with the with the other

turds that we have. Well, what you need

to do is learn how to use a toilet. So

you're not going to bring the turd back

to me?No, I'm starting to like it. You're

going to keep it as a fact. I'm going to

keep it because it's a nice look. You

know what?It's a nice conversation piece.

OK, cool. OK. Thanks, man. Oh, thank you,

Bubba.

What listing?Batman.

Thank you. Please wait while an operator

looks.

I'm sorry. What listing?Batman. Is that

Manhattan?Gotham City. Gotham City.

Where's that?What state?Manhattan. Oh,

in Manhattan. Is that a business, Sir?

Batman. Yeah. Residence.

Residential. Thank you. Do

you have a first name?Bruce. Thank

you. I'm sorry, Sir. Checking my

Manhattan residential listing. Last name,

Batman. First name, Bruce. I show no

listing. How about just Batman?I don't

have anything. Just Batman. Nothing

residential. He lives in a lair.

Wayne Manor. Oh. Yeah, you know,

I don't have anything in Wayne Manor

either, sir. Batman?Yeah.

Batman. I'm sorry. Batman.

I guess, you know, he's just not listed.

I... know. Yeah. I'll

find him. Okay, well, good luck. I'll

track him down with all of my hatred.

Oh, okay. Oh, alrighty. Good luck

today. Bye. Batman.

Good afternoon, PR Construction. Hi, my

name's Burcham. This is the construction

place. Yes. Yep. I'm your

man. You're your man. Oh, you are, huhOh,

yeah. OK. And how is that?Well, I'm a

damn fine Carpenter. You need to come in

and fill out an application. What's your

name?Jan. Jan. Jan, let me be

up front with you. I lost most of the

fingers on my right hand to a hypoid saw.

OK, so I don't write real good. OK,

so the application thing's a little

sketchy. Well, actually, what you need to

do is you would need to speak to a

foreman. Listen, I I'm. I don't have.

I mean, I have a right leg, but it's the

same as not having one. Mm-hmmWell, just

so you know, it is for hardware

installer. You do have to have your own

truck and you do have to have your own

tool. 72 Ford F-250

lumber rack, bed box and a bumper sticker

that says Sierra Club. Take a hike to

hell. OK, kiss my a*s you tree

huggers. There you go. Oh, the Sierra

Club. Those pansies. Same guys who sat

stateside while I was in NAMM in country.

Well, yeah, knee deep in a rice Paddy.

There you go. Have there. That's fine.

Mm. Looking out

for Charlie. Yep. God damn cows were

booby trapped. You know about that. I

know. I lost a lot of friends over there.

But you are alive, and that's a good

thing. But McCann isn't. And neither is

Hernandez or Jackson or Giacomo. Yeah.

Whole platoon one up. Espinoza. Big head.

But they're they're they're up above. No.

Well, yeah. McCann and Hernandez is not

not Jackson. Yeah, he was into Satan. You

never know. Me and him smoked hash out of

a human skull. You never know. Sometimes

I wish I was dead. Yeah. Well, now you're

on this good Earth for a reason.

Sometimes when I'm up there on the

scaffolding, you know, up on the third

floor, think about tying a twist lock

cord around my neck and just diving, just

taking the big plunge. If you're still

here and you've gone through all of that,

you most likely wouldn't die anywhere

because God's got a reason for you to be

here. Yeah, yeahTell that to McCann.

Hernandez to Jack. Oh, I know. I know.

Yeah. Pierce and Honeycott. Yep. Manny,

Moe and Jack. So if you want to come

in, Sir, and and speak with the foreman,

you are more than welcome. Left a piece

of myself over there, you know?Yeah. And.

And they'll be more than happy to. Three

kids. Three or four kids. Do what you

need to do. Yeah.

OK. You know, the only thing that made

the pain go away was the heroin. Oh. Had

to chase that dragon. Then I come

stateside and I'm supposed to be cured.

No, nobody's never cured for life from

that. I'm shaving out of an army helmet.

I'm getting shot at and banging underage

wh*res doing smack all day long, and I'm

supposed to just get a job in a hardware

store. That's right. It's supposed to be

a normal human being after all that, huh

No wonder I took a claw hammer to one of

the customers. Yeah. You guys do drug

tests?Yes, we do.

Which drugs does that cover?They all of

them. They do a hair test. I don't have

hair. I'm like one of them cats. I'm

burnt off. Yeah. Napalm mortar landed,

right?That's that's what took the

Chacamo. Yeah. Well, in that case. I

don't know. You'd have to speak with a

foreman on that one. You guys got 401K

plan?Yes, we do. Medical 401K. Profit

sharing. I'm sorry. Profit sharing.

Yes. Paid vacation. Yes. I know this

sounds crazy, but can I take this week?

Yeah. No, sorry. Don't work that way. I

was willing to die for this country. I

can't get a week. I know. That's how it

is. All right. OK.

God be with you. You too. Bye. Bye.

Oh, hi.

Christ.

Hello. Yes. Record store. Yes. I want

Tupac album. No problem. Me love Tupac.

You down with Tupac?Always. How many

albums you got him?Uh, nine. Nine album.

I want them all. Come on now. That how

hard I down with Tupac. OK, come on. You

got Big?Two. Two. You down with him or me?

Um, more than Tupac. More than Tupac?

Yeah, I like Biggie better. Suckers,

suckers who not down with him. I pop cap

in the assI'm not a me no wigga. Me

no wigga. Me chigga. I heard it. A

chigga. Cool. I went to my girl boy

box set. Uh, I don't have that one. How

come no, bitchYou playwright?I don't

know. I triple on that one, huhYou better

check yourself, fool. I'm gonna work on

that. You got the one that go like this.

Go.

One. You got that one?

Which one is that one?You don't know that

one?I don't know that one. It's the

chronic. Oh, OK, no problem. But I got

Hellify remix. Maybe you ought to buy.

You could copy it. Oh, bring it down. Let

me hear it. I got backhand like John

McEnroe. When you gonna let me hear it?I

want to check it out. That b*tch step up

and I'm smacking the hole. Do you know

that?I've heard that one. That one in

there too. You know me?Mushu. Yep.

Mushu in the house in the hizzy. I'll be

waiting. I bring some b*tches for you and

me. How many?5 b*tches I

got. Do you like Chinese girls?Crack. I

do. Don't you?They the best. What else I

get you?I think that's cool. Just bring

the girls. You don't play with crack or

anything. No, noJust want the girls. Do

you like smoke?No, just the girls. I give

you smoke for free. I want no smoke with

the girls. You want the girls. You take

the smoke too. No, just the girls. Yes,

you take it. No. What's wrong with you?I

get better stuff than any you get here in

Las Vegas. Really. Better than any

place. OK. I get from China.

Oh, yeah, I come from China.

China. Just like the girls. They come

from China. That's all I want is the

girls. That's all you want. That's all I

want. I like big assAs long as they're

Chinese, I'm happy. They're Chinese girl

with big, big dumper. Chinese girls

don't have big dumpers. Yeah, but these

do. Oh, they bought them. Yeah, they

bought them. They get that. They get

their fat. They put in fat. You feel a

couple welts, but boy, you can ride it.

Oh, you'll ride it. That sounds painful.

That's not painful. Look, I'll come and

see you at the store. OK. I'll bring the

girls. All right. And crack. OK. Bye.

Later. Good

afternoon, man in our apartment.

Hi there. How are you?I'm looking

for an apartment for rent.

Quiet down. Quiet, boy.

That wouldn't happen to be your dog I

hear in the background, is it?Why do you

ask?Because we don't accept cats or

dogs. Then it's not my dog. Okay.

What time and date is good for you?Quiet

down! I'll come by

tomorrow. Okay, what time?We're open nine

to five. I can't hear you over the dogs.

What?What time would you like to

come out tomorrow?I come. Quiet

down.

I may have a couple of pets. Pardon me?

I may have a couple pets. What kind?But

that's OK, right?What kind?Dogs.

No, I'm sorry. It's not. I got 3 little

beautiful puppies. Nope. I'm sorry.

They're not allowed. I got 14 cats.

No, sorry. I got a sheep.

Do you check these apartments?Yes, we do.

How often?On what day?

Well, we always give a notice 24 hours in

a shed. Okay, so I could clean up and

move these things out when it's time

for the checkup. No, I'm sorry that won't

work. How come not?You don't like animals?

That's not the point. The point is our

policy does not allow them. Who doesn't?

Our policy, the company does not. How?

It just doesn't. In what?Pardon

me?

I got a beautiful little chimpanzee too.

You would love him. He's almost like you.

Well, would you like to set up an

appointment?Yeah, I would like to do

that. When would you like to come out?

What time?Tomorrow. Tomorrow morning

around 4:00. I get up at 4:30, so

sometime around 5:00 AM. No,

five, 5:00 AM. Thanks for calling. OK,



OK.

Thank you for calling E1 Tramulist Jim. I

want to go to Hawaii. Yay.

Yay. I want to go to Hawaii. Yeah. I

don't blame you. I do. I do too.

I want to go to Hawaii. Yay. yeah

When do you want to go?I want to go to

Hawaii! Yay! Yay!

Yay! I want to go to Hawaii! Okay,

if you walk out the door, there's there's

probably someone going to pick you up

pretty quick. Good! I want to go to

Hawaii! Yay! Yay! I want to go to Hawaii!

When do you want to go?I want to go to

Hawaii! Yay! Yay!

It's going to be great! I want to go to

Hawaii! Great. Pick your time, anytime

you want to go. I want to go to Hawaii!

I want to go to Hawaii. Yay! Yay!

Okay. Is Is that all you got to say?

Yay! Yay! Okay.

Well, pick out your dates and we'll get

you there. I want to go to Hawaii. Give

me a call back. I want to go to Hawaii.

All right, bye-bye. I want to go to

Hawaii. Yay! Yay!

yo-yo, yo, Yankerville. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What up, homies?

You know what time it is. It's D time.

The T is for tenacious, and the D is for

damn, girl. I'll be back for a

second helping at that guarantee.

I'm making my love, puppet. My

homie Spoonie Love from up above

told me y'all need a little hot rock

injection in Yankerville. And me and

KG as registered ministers of the Church

of Rock are going to give it to y'all.

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy. Check it

out. Whoa.

Friendship is rare. Do you know what I'm

saying?Do you?Friendship is rare.

my derriere When you find out much

later That they don't really care

It's rare to me

Can't you see

It's rare to me

Can't you see Oh

sh*t there's a bear Could you hand me

that shotgun dud And also that chair

biting a bear Now your life's in grave

danger And you don't even care

It's rare to me

Can't you see

It's rare to me

Can't you see It's

rare to me

Say a prayerFor me

'Cause it's rare To be

in Tenacious D

Friends will be friends They're running

naked in the sand Friends holding hands,

wholesome They share they form a band

Friends will be friends They say that

friends are friends of the bitter end

Long as they're the wreck they'll all be

friends Long as they're the wreck they'll

all be friends Friends will be friends

They're running naked in the sand

Holding hands on Sunday should it form a

fair Friends, we'll be friends They say

that friends are friends to the bitter

end Long as there's a record

deal we'll always be friends

Long as there's a record deal we'll

always be friends,

yeah Hee-haw!