01x02 - Denis Leary & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh

what?But it doesn't really matter.

Because we'll all be doubled over with

laughter at the expense of others, maybe

even your mother. Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight?Crank

Yankers!

Please help me put my fingers in

your apple pie You say so

sweet I just wanna eat your hot

apple pie

Thank you for calling Rick's Tally h*.

This is Jamie. How can I help you?Hi,

Jamie. I was wondering if I could come

down and audition to be a dancer. Sure

you can. OK. OK, what is your name?

Hi, my name is Cami. Cami. OK,

here's the thing. I just wanted to ask

you a question. I'm 23

and my breasts are natural. I'm a





I hurt myself a year ago with some

glitter mascara and I am blind

now. So I

do my act with my seeing eye dog,

Butch.

I'm not sure if we could. Well, here's

the thing. According to the Americans

with Disabilities Act, I can go anywhere

with Butch. I'm not sure how that how

that works. Well, here's the thing,

Jamie. I've danced before with Butch.

It's really simple. He just shows me

where the pole is and I just go and he

just makes sure I don't fall off the

stage. It's just like anyone else with a

disability, only I happen to be a

stripper. And I've done it

before. We put a little tip jar around

his neck. He actually makes a lot of guys

very comfortable. The only problem is the

music can't be other other clubs have

never had a problem with the health

department with animals in the I do know

what you're saying, but I it's I've done

it before. I don't have any special needs

other than, you know, there can't really

be any strobe lights and the music can't

be too loud because Butch gets a little

freaked out. OK, but I'm going to tell

you something right now. Everything here

is hooked up to the strobe lights. So

when the the music comes on, the strobe

lights come on. OK, well, that'll have to

change. No, that can't change. But then

what you're saying is that you're

completely discriminating against me. But

I mean, I might have to shut you guys

down if you don't at least me come, let

me come dance once. Believe me, it's not

something I want to do. It's just that

you're sleeping. OK, now you're telling

me that I have to go ahead and change the

way that we've been doing everything.

Now, listen, for seven years, have you

ever even been here before?I haven't

actually been in your club, but I

wouldn't want the first time I come in to

be me coming in, you know, with a bunch

of people shutting you down.

Oh, that's weird. I mean, I'll just come

in there with Butch and then you'll know

it's me cause I'm the blind stripper with

the dog. The only thing I need is someone

to make sure that I shaved

myself straight. I don't want to have any

problems where somebody steps on the dog

or does something there and gets bit, you

know, and it's just like he would never.

The only way he's going to bite someone

is if the the strobes are on, right. Or

if somebody hurts me or if the strobes

are on, right. I don't know how we're

going to do that because the the the

house lights and stairs are very, I mean

it's just work it out. It'll totally be

great and I'll be there like 415. And

I just, I really look forward to meeting

with you and working with you and and not

suing your a*s off and not what?

Suing your a*s off. Suing my a*s off. I

don't know if this this whole thing is.

It'll be OK, Jamie. Well, I know that,

but I just don't like the fact that,

damn, you just keep telling me you're

gonna sue me and you're gonna shut me

down. I won't. I won't. If you just, I'm

gonna do it with one. No, I don't mean to

threaten you at all. Well, you are

threatening me. That's what you are

doing. Butch needs to eat, Jamie. Let me

feed Butch. OK. I'll bet he does. Yeah,

you know. But definitely, you know, I'd

like for you to definitely come down here

and check it out. If you think it's right

for you, fine. If you don't, that's

another thing. OK. No, I just, I

definitely just want to come down and

meet you. And, you know, I just, I don't

want to have to sick butch on you because

that would be the worst. You don't want

to have to sick butch on me. All right.

Thanks, Jamie. OK.

ohh Yeah, hi. Do you have the poo-poo

platter?Uh-huh, yeah. Um, can I

get that with extra poo?



air with Boomer and the Nudge. Say hi,

Nudge. Hey, how you doing there, Patty?

You power jamming mega mixing tonight?

Yeah, now what?Are you power jamming and

megamixing tonight?I know you are, Patty.

I know you got it in you. I know you're

dancing all over that store. Oh, well,

I'm dancing. I don't know what radio

station we're listening to. You're

listening to the power jam Megamix Boomer

in the nudes. You drive time home.

Whoa. You got a little gunfight going on

back there, Nancy. What's your name again?

Patty. Patty. My name is Patty. And

that's Carol. Patty. Carol, you worked

behind the counter there at the 7-Eleven

tonight. And how many customers you got

in the store?In the store right now,

we've got 12345.

Wow. Well, you guys sound like a couple

of rebels, like a Thelma and Louise

situation going on right there. Is that

what's going on?Yeah. All right, well,

how'd you like to do one of our on-air

dares for a big, big?You like to win a

big, big prize, Patty and Carol. I don't

know. What do I got to answer?All you got

to do. Oh, nothing. You got to answer.

This is an on air dare. We're going to

just see how crazy our listeners are. You

sound like wild ladies down there, huhAll

right. All you got to do is yell out. I

peed in the Slurpee machine. All you

gotta do is yell out. I peed in the

Slurpee machine. Oh, right.

Whoa, Patty. Absolutely

amazing. Hey, Patty, what are the

customers doing?Yeah, are they freaking

out right now?Patty turned and gave me a

funny look. Thank

goodness nobody was buying Slurpees. Oh,

you are absolutely. You are

absolutely wild. I'll guarantee you no

one's buying any Slurpees tonight after

hearing that little piece of it. I'll

tell you what Boomer, we should stop by

and party with Patty tonight. I think I'm

definitely know at 7-Eleven I'm stopping

by my way home. Hey, tell her what you

want, Boom. Hey, Patty, you just won a

plate of popper shrimp at JJ McTweedy's

Esquire. You and Carol. OK. You and

Carol can share a plate at JJ McTweedy's

Esquire. That sound good to you?I guess.

Oh, we'll try it down there, ladies. I

love that popping shrimp. Hey, keep power

jamming. Keep mega mixing. I'm Boomer.

And I'm the nudge. Come on now. What's

your favorite radio station, Patty?I

forgot what you said you are again. Oh,

I'm afraid you can't win the prize. If

you don't know what radio station this

is, radio station is the boomer.

Don't act like you don't know the boomer.

I don't know. Patty, come on, ask one of

the customers. Patty, what's the boomer

station?97.1 Is it



You guys keep listening to Boo in the

nudge. We're going to bring the party van

around tonight. You keep jabbing and

shaking those vaginas. You know what I'm

saying, Patty?All right. You have a good

night, sweetheart. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Flower shop. Yeah. Hello. Is this a

flower shop?It is. Yeah. This is

spoony love from up above. I'm going to

send some flowers to somebody. Two dozen

red roses. OK. And on the card that we're

going to attach to the roses, what would

you like?Oh, I got the cards and all

that. OK, let me see what I want. Now

it's the small card. You know, that

little enclosure card. You might have to

put two in there because I got some

things I want to say to her. OK. What

would you like?Yo, baby, I love you.

OK, I love you more than you know

OK. But you did me wrong.

Give one dude a BJ. Shame on you.

OK. Give two dudes a BJ. Shame on me.

OK. If you think I can't get to you,

you're wrong. Uh huhYou ain't nothing

but a stupid hoe. You've always

been a stupid hoe. You will always be a

hoe.

Got that?Love always.

Your teddy bear. Spoony.

SPOONY. Yeah. Could you read that

back to me, please?Oh, I got it right. I

know, but I just want to make sure. Could

you read it back to me?Oh, no. Could you

read that back to me, please?No. Let me

see if I can even write this. You might

have to come in and write it. What was?

What was wrong?The the whole message.

The whole or the whole. The

whole message. We don't call her whole

and stuff. Yeah. Could we change the word

holding?You know another word for hoe?No,

I'll let me. Do you know another word for

hoe that we could use?We can't. We can't

put sexual messages on there.

Hosexual. What would you say?I mean,

what would you suggest?I would just say

I'm sorry. She gave two of my cousins

BJ's on Thanksgiving Day.

I just went and put a car. On

Thanksgiving Day at my mother's house,

she gave them both BJ's and I was in the

closet because I ain't believe it. I love

my woman. You know what I'm saying?I

loved her, you know?And I saw it for

myself. She was doing both of them at the

same time, on her knees,

gagging and everything. Yo, I can put I

love you. Could we change BJ's to

smoking a sausage or something?I can't.

I can't do anything like that. What do

you call a BJ?I couldn't. We can't do

that. We just can't do it. Have you ever

took part in that?Have you ever been part

of that?Never given no one a BJ?No. No

What?I I just can't do it. I'll

call her. Please, please, pleaseCould you

just read it back?I can't. I can't talk

to you no more.

Castle Megastore. Hey, how's it going?

Pretty good. And yourself?Good, thanks.

You have those pumps for the p*nis, the

suction p*nis enlarging pumps?Yeah, we

sure do. You do. That's great. And what

are, what's the price range on those

things?They range anywhere in price from

about $30 up to for a whole set,

probably about. Five, six, $700.00. What?

Whoa. 567. Hold on a second. Hold on a

second. Hey, Mom, hang up the phone. Oh,

I'm sorry. I'm on the phone. Please hang

up. Who's that?Who's the voice?It's a.

Don't worry who it is. Just hang up the

phone. I'm on the telephone. Well, now I

have to know. It's a pizza place. I'm

ordering a pizza. OK. Please hang up the

phone. Well, I was making dinner. I know

you're making dinner. I want to order a

pizza. Do you mind if I eat a pizza?I'm



Yeah, the Boston pumps for

the What's the name of that one?Boston

Pump Pumpworks. And how does that work

exactly?You put your c*ck ba*ls in there.

You pump it. The suction. You know what?

If you're not going to get pizza, I'll

have pasta. Hang up the phone. If you're

going to get pizza, I'll have pasta. OK,

I'll order you a pasta. Hang up the

phone, please. Well, I what kind?Jesus

Christ. What kind of pasta do you have?

Uh, well, we've got, uh, we've

got lasagna. They have lasagna. You like

lasagna?No, because it has cheese.

What's the tubes?It's

rigatoni or something. You have rigatoni?

Yeah, we sure do. They got rigatoni. OK,

I'll get you a rigatoni. That's not the

tubes. That is the tubes. It's the big

tubes. It's the thick ones. You want the

penne?Do you have penne?

Yeah, we sure do. They have penny. Is

that what you're looking for?The thin

tubes?Yes. OK. All right. Can you hang

up, please?Well, I'd like to have a sauce

on the tubes. This is what my son

does. He's a patient. What kind of sauces

do you have?We have the marinara sauce

and the

Alfredo sauce. They got the marinara and

the Alfredo. OK. That's it. Those are. I

have two choices. Yeah, that's all we

have. That's all they have. What do you

want?Marinara. Please. OK.

Mariner. We'll get you an order of the

penny with mariner. OK. All right.

Thanks. Hang up, Mom. Hang up. I need to

finish giving you the order. Please hang

up. Just hang up. OK. Oh,

this woman. I thank you

for doing that, by the way. I appreciate

it. So the p*nis pump, the Boston pump,

it's $700. Is it worth it?Well,

the pieces, you buy the pieces

individually. It's like Legos that you

put your d*ck into. Yeah, kind of. Right.

OK. I I I like to prefer, you know,

like it's more of like an erector set.

It's more like an erector set. OK. It's

like an erection set is what it's like, I

guess. Yeah. Can I return this if it

doesn't enlarge my p*nis?What?WhatHang up

the phone. Does the pizza enlarge your

p*nis?You buying more toys?That you don't

have enough under your bed that's in my

house. I told you to hang up the phone.

Now hang it up. I'm having a personal

call here. Please hang up the phone.

I tell you the phone, Bill. I pay for my

own calls. This man is on the telephone.

He's trying to do business. Hang up.

OK.

You take credit cards?Yeah. Visa,

MasterCard, Discover, and American

Express. OK. I'll be by around 8:00 then.

All right. You have a good night. I'll

see you then. Goodbye.

Oh my God. I I I have a monkey here who's

out of control. Oh my God,

he's he's going crazy. He's going

crazy. They trap him within the house and

remove him. What?What They trap him

within the house and remove him?Uh, he he

went nuts. We were sitting on the couch.

I'm babysitting for a friend of mine. He

has a pet monkey and and I took the

remote control away from him. He went

nuts. Now he's got he's got a knife. He's

got like a steak knife from the kitchen.

He's got me cornered. I don't know what

to do. I'm at 29 Elm Street. And you

start calling 911. I already, I couldn't

get through. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

Please, can you send somebody?What should

I do?Should I should I hit him?You want



now. You're on the phone right now. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God. Do you

want 911?What?Do you want the

police to show up?Yes, please. Anybody.

Your name?My name is Joe.

Your last name?Smith.

Your phone number?I don't know the phone

number here. It's my friend's house.

Can't you trace the call?Can you-- You

want me to call the police and have him

trace it down?Please, please, please,

please, please, pleaseOh, he's

really-- he's-- this is bad. This is

really bad. Well, sir, you need to give

me the phone number. I don't know the

phone number. Can you trace it, please?

Oh, my God! Help!

Help

Sir, your line's being traced. You should

have the police there anytime. No, I

think it's okay now. He's dancing. It's

okay. Okay, they're gonna be seen very

shortly. Oh, okay. Thank you.

computers. I got mail! Yay!

I got mail! Yay!

Okay. Yay! You got mail. I got

mail! You've got mail. I

got mail!

You got mail?Oh yes, but I don't

go through Microsoft. No?I mean,

not Microsoft, but AOL. Yay!

Why don't you go through Microsoft?No,

I don't go through AOL. Why not?Because I

have higher standards. Does that mean I

got lower standards 'cause I use. I got

mail. I got mail. Yay.

Yay. I got mail. I got mail. I got

mail. I got mail. I got mail. I got mail.

I got mail. I got mail. I got

mail. I got mail. I got mail. I got

mail. I got mail. I got mail. I

got mail. I got mail. I got mail.

I got mail. I got mail. Yay!

Did you hear me that I got mail?Yes, you

got mail. I do.

That's great. And I'm almost out of

breath. Do you got mail?

Yep. Well, so do I. I got

mail. Anything else?

Yes. Yes I got

mail. Uh-huh

Yay. And then?

And then yay. You've got mail.

You've got mail. I got mail. I got

mail. I got mail. I got mail. I got

mail. I got mail. I got mail. I

got mail. I got mail. I got mail.

I got mail. I got mail. I got mail.

I got mail. I got mail. I got mail.

I got mail. Yay. You've

got mail. You've got mail. You go, Sir.

What?I'm out of breath. You go. No way.

That's too much for me. No, it's not.

I got mail. Sure. Yay.

There's nothing that I can do for you

then. Yes, there is. What's that?I got

mail. OK. All right. You have a good day.

And just remember something, Sir. Yeah. I

got mail. Yay. Yay. I

got mail. Yay. Yay. I got

mail. Yay.