01x04 - Jimmy Kimmel & Wanda Sykes

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

Good afternoon, Country Club. Yeah. All

right, I'm calling. My name is Spoon

Love. I'm calling about tea time. You

aren't a member of the club, are you?No,

I need to be a member. I'm just trying to

come get some tea time. Me and my cousin.

Hold on one second. Right on. Mr.

Connelly's office. Yes, I'm calling about

tea time. Tea time. Yeah, getting some

tea time. Me and my cousins. You don't

get tea time. This is a private club. But

nobody never said it was a private club.

I can't come down. It's a private club.

No, you just can't come down and play.

Why?Because I'm black. No, because this

is a private club and we don't have tea

time. The club is closed. Why is it?

Good afternoon, Country Club. Can I talk

to Bob Connolly, please?Hold on. All

right.

Hello, Bob Connolly. Bob Connolly. Yes.

We got a problem here, man. My name is

Spoon and I just called for a tea time

and she automatically just hung up on me,

assuming that I was not a member. But we

don't take tea time. So I I know you're

not a member. What's really going on

here, man?There is no tee time. Why am I

not allowed at this club?There's never

been any tee times at ever. This

sounds r*cist. You need to be. How can I

become a member?Me and my cousins. Me and

my cousins. We just want to be members,

man. You need to be sponsored by. You

black, Bob?Bob, are you black?No. So

you don't. You don't know the struggle,

man. I wish I could help you.

Bob, yo, listen, this is a time for

patriotism, man. I'm an American man.

What's going on here, man?You certainly

are. You're always welcome as the guest

of a member. And if you wanted to become

a member, you need to be sponsored by an

existing member. I feel disrespected,

Bob. Anything else I can help you with?

Yes. I bet you I could caddy there. Can I

be a caddy?Yeah, absolutely. See.

Oh, my goodness, Bob. But everybody else

can, too. Whoa, man.

Whoa. OK. Bye.

Bye. Bob.

Country Club. Yes. May I speak to Mr.

Connolly?Connolly. OK, Sir. Hold on.

Hello, Bob. Connolly. Mr. Connolly.

Yes. What can I do for you?My name is

Bill Simmons and I'm looking forward to

joining your club. I have some

friends that are members there. OK. They

referred me to you guys. OK. OK

What is it that you want me to do?I would

like to join the club. OK. Ha

ha. Yeah, this is.

You are on some r*cist sh*t man.

Doc. Yeah, on nothing. You know what I

mean?This is. I

got your assYou do?Yeah, this

is me. OK.

Why can't I?I said I was Bill Simmons and

you was like, yeah. What can I do?But

when I call, you ain't one to let me in.

No, I told you. I I told you the last

time. Sounds r*cist, man. You have to be

sponsored. Black Power. Black Power. This

is mofoYou need to be sponsored by a

member of the club. Black Power in this

mofo man. All right. Black

Power. Yeah.

Are you ready to go wild?Then pick up a

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What the hell is that number?

I can't hear nothing.

Hello?Hearing A*DS?

Yes?Hello?Hello

Who's this?This is Joy. Who's this?Can

you talk louder?This is Joy.

What?My name is Joy.

Hello, Toy. Hello.

I'm looking for a hearing aid. Do you Do

you want to make an appointment?Who is?

You. Do you need an appointment for the

with the doctor?I can't hear you too

good, but I need to make an appointment

with the doctor for a hearing aid.

How about January 9th?A knife?

January 9th?I

can't hear so good. I need you to talk

louder. Can you come in on

January 9th?

OK. Who picks me up?

You need to drive here. I don't

drive. I can't hear the honking of the

horns or the radio.

You would have to have a friend or

family member bring you here.

I can't hear.

Nothing. Sir.

OK. You don't have to use curse words,

darling. I'm just. I got my

hearing is not so good. I got. I need

the A*DS in my hearing. Yeah.

Yeah. So I could hear better.

Yeah, cause I can't hear nothing.

OK. And sometimes I see colors.

OK, so can you come down on January







write this down here. 2:00 on

January 5. No, January



come down there, I'm going to give you a

kiss, darling. OK. OKI'll

be waiting. And I would. I like to use

the tongue.

Uh-oh. OK. All right. OK. So you'll be

ready. I'll take out my teeth and we'll

do a little kissing and that stuff. OK.

Hello. HelloWho is this?Joy.

OK, then. Boy, I'll talk to you later.

OK. You sound like a girl. I

am. Oh, good. 'Cause I'm not

like that. Okay. But my grandson

is. He's g*y. Well,

that's okay. That's what makes the world

go round. He's a g*y boy. Okay.

Okay, but he takes me around in

his Miata. Okay. And I'll

kiss you right when I get down there.

Okay, that's great. All right, me and my

g*y grandson will be down there on

January 5 at 2 o'clock. So

January 9th?Whatever. OK.

Bye. Bye.

Hello, folk. This is Carl Malone of the

Utah Jazz, reminding y'all, don't be

scared of ghosts. They spooky, but they

don't bite.

Hello. Hi, I'm calling to

just thank you for visiting our adult

entertainment websites. We're the number

one provider of totally nude and central

adult entertainment. I'm sorry.

OK. I think. Oh, I think I need to

speak to my husband. But thank you and

have a good day now. Well, could we speak

to your husband?We.

Hello. Hi, Miss Raden. I just called you.

Can you please take us off of whatever

list this is?I I don't want to be

bothered about this. Well, Miss Raden.

Please leave a message. Thank you,

Miss Radin. We offer a wide variety of

products that complement your sexual

interest. And our research says that,

well, I guess your husband is partial to

European amateurs and hidden camera

defecations. You know, we have a package

of just 999 a month and you'll have

access to thousands of beautiful models,

sexy actresses and filthy sluts

Can I interest you in our special 495

introductory rate?You get everything but

p*nis, which we blur out. Oh, and also

says that he likes fat women.

Miss Raden. Hello.

OK, well, if you could just have your

husband call us and because we would like

to verify his order that he has

with us. Oh, OK. You know what?Maybe he

is into p*nis. OK, if he wants p*nis,

then perhaps we can sign you up for our

Bellboys and boners program. That's a

full month of Bellboys with their Dicks

out for just 1295 the first month,



And is it 8 dildos or



really need to verify with your husband.

Either it's eight or nine dildosAnd if it

is nine dildos tell him we'll throw in a

butt plugOK?All right. Thank you.

He knows how to reach us.

Home care. This is Kathy. May I help you?

Hello, Kathy. I'm looking for a live-in

health care giver. Am I calling the right

place?Yes, let me get Kandra to help you.

Just a moment, please. Kandra. Kandra.

Like Sandra with a K. Well, that's sort

of silly, isn't it?I think so.

But no one says it. No one says it to

Kandra's face, do they?No, of course not.

No, you catty little bitchHold on.

This is Sandra. Sandra.

Kandra. Kandra. Yes.

What sort of name is that?Kandra. That

Eskimo?I don't think so. All right,

this is Niles Standish calling. OK. I'm

looking for a live-in health care giver.

Can you give me an idea of what skill

level caregiver you need?I would say

about a six. I'm not

infirm. I'm just there's certain things

that I I no longer want to do for myself,

like washing. OK. Do you have any young

Asian male types?

No. All right. Why don't I find out what

your rates are?OK. Whatever your rates

are, will you do me a favor?Sure. Cut it

in half and double it.

OK. Our rates for

companions are 100 and ninety-five a day.

Double it. I don't know if

I would have anybody available for a

long-term care one, but I do know that

Home Instead has several at that

skill level. And I I need no skill.

They need no skill. I know that's why.

That's why I said you need Home Instead,

because there's our companions. Well,

they don't need to be friendly. I don't

mind being slapped around a bit. Naughty

tushyNow, as I said, I'm not

sick. I'm very wealthy. There's

just certain things that I no longer want

to sully my hands doing. For

instance, will they help feed me?They

can. Because I like my food pre-chewed

like a baby sparrow. Not that the Mama

bird must spit the food into my mouth.

She can spit it onto a plate and spoon

feed it to me. No, they're not going to

do that. All right. I also need

somebody with very soft hands, baby, baby

soft hands, because my skin is very

temperamental and I need constant

rubdowns. I spend over $50.00 a month in

talcum powder alone. I must be powdered

bi-hourly. Get into all the folds.

They're not going to do that either. All

right. Will they be willing to wipe

a backside?Because I do get awfully,

awfully dirty down there. I think you

need a different service. Kandra,

I haven't wiped in four months. These

bloody hooks are driving me to madness. I

need somebody to wipe my bottom

with care and alarm. I've

got a nasty hemorrhoid.

OK, I need my floors waxed every

Wednesday because I like to slide across

them like Tom Cruise in Risky Business,

wearing nothing but an Oxford and some

underoos. I. You know, I'll put it down

on this and I will ask them. Can they

hold me until I fall asleep?No. And

they're not going to curl up with you

either. I didn't ask for that.

OK, now I do tire easily and I like to

take naps. Would they be willing to just

let me put that my head into their lap

and gently stroke my temples like my

doubt it?Will they be willing to hold my

tallywhacker while I pass water?

No. Damn these hooks. Could you

hang on just one moment, please?Kandra.

Thank you, Sir. Is this

Kandra?No, this is the administrator.

Naturally. You've stayed on the line long

enough, long enough for us to trace your

number. So thank you for calling. Oh,

hello, love. I love that

threat. Oh, run away.

Run away.

Confucius say. Girl who sit on

judge's lap. Get honorable discharge.

Get it.

Oh,

oh, oh.

Customer service, can I help you?Hello.

Yes, I had a special delivery

package. I don't know if it got delivered

yesterday, but they did leave a certified

letter. And I'm trying to see if

if it has not been delivered, can they

deliver it today?Because I'm here all

day. Do you have your tracking number?

UmmGive me that piece of paper, that

folder with the number they gave me.

Ma'am. Yes. Yeah. I'm. I'm hoping.

Was it supposed to be delivered yesterday?

You said. Yeah. It's a watch. It's a

diamond watch. Oh, yeah. Because we got a

fellow. He works in the warehouse. This,

this wacko. He's been lighting people's

packages on fire. He

set him on fire. Yeah. I don't know if

yours was one of them. I'm thinking maybe

I can transfer you to him and you can

describe what your package looks like and

he'll tell you if he set it on fire. When

did this happen?Yesterday. Yeah. See, he

comes to work, he he smokes crack, he he

drinks his booze and I don't know. He's

he's out there. Well, then my my package

supposed to have been delivered.

Yesterday. And if they did that, if he

did that, he's going to have to pay for

that. Well, I I'd like to transfer you

just so you can describe the package to

him and then he'll let you know if he he

burnt it. All right. OK. Please hold.

She said he said one of the guys works

that went crazy yesterday and burns all

the as hell. She

said it was going to come.

Customer service. This is Blade in the

mailroom. What?I said this is

Blade in the mailroom. How can I help you?

I cannot hear you, Sir. Are you talking

to a speaker phone or are you smoking?Oh,

I've been boost. Hold on a second.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just had a little too

much to drink. How can I help you?

A little too much to drink. Yeah, you

know, it's it's on your job. It's

Saturday, man. I get the party. Let me

speak to the supervisor because you're

not supposed to even talk like that on

the f*ck, chill out and have a

quaalude. What?Hey, come

on. Don't be a flatliner, man. Don't be a

flat light. Hello?

HelloYeah, how's it going, dude?

Hello. How can I help you, man?

Wait, who?Is this?Yeah. Give me your.

Give me your tracking number, man. Who?

This ain't. Yes, it is.

What the hell?That phone number?Can I

speak to a supervisor or manager or

something?Yeah. Hold on, man. Don't be a

flatliner. You mean don't be a

flatliner?Don't. Don't be talking sh*t

about me, man. Put the f*cking mancho or

your f*cking supervisor on the damn line

or I have to come up there and talk to

him myself. Hey, chill out, man. Hold on.

Hey, chill out. Nothing. Put the damn

supervisor on the mancho on the f*cking

phone. All right, hold on, dude.

Hold on. He's drinking. I'm smoking

rock. Hello. I

don't know what kind of place this is.

Yeah, this Willie, the supervisor. Can I

help you?Who?I said this Willie. What

you want?What's the problem here?What do

I want with?It's the problem. OK, first

of all, you got someone working in the

mail room that the burnt everything. Do a

crack cocaine. Yeah, he drunk off his a*s

He drunk. I said he drunk. That's all. He

just drunk. He ain't always like that.

Drunk. That not supposed to go on that a*s

Come on. It's it's Saturday. What

you mean?Come on. That's OK for the call

downtown to the main office and you guys

will be reported. And what you

said, you said you were

supposed to be the supervisor. I said

don't be talking trash. I don't need to

hear no trash from you. You don't need to

hear no drive, motherfuckerMy

m*therf*cking man supposed to be here.

You stupid son of a bitchAnd you saying

that talking shitDon't be talking trash.

I'm the supervisor. I don't need. You

tell you the f*cking supervisor. You

don't talk like one. Listen, I ain't

playing around. I ain't playing around. I

ain't playing around, motherfuckerNot

with my diamond watch. Come on, he drunk

and all that bullshitHey, come on.

m*therf*cker ain't got sh*t to do with a

dead truck. I do all the work around

here. I don't need ain't no trash or

nobody. Yeah, the f*ck you talking about?

Hey, listen, all I'm saying is to calm

your a*s down. You calm your

a*s down. We get to drink booze over here

for water. Come on. Y'all get to drink.

Yeah, Saturday.