01x07 - Dane Cook & Ween

[bunniefuu]

Available. Speaking. Hi, I'm with Oprah

Magazine, and we're doing a fun survey on

relationships and contemporary romance.

And if you take time to answer our

questions today, we'll send you a dozen

long stem roses and a photograph of our

founder, Miss Oprah Winfrey. Can I ask

you a few questions?Are you?Are you

serious?Yes. Well, are you a big Oprah

fan?Yes.

Can you take a couple minutes to?Yes, I

can. But don't play with me.

Absolutely not. All right, all rightOK.

What is your age?I'm 44. OK.

Are you in a relationship?No.

How has Oprah touched you?Well,

first of all, I think I love her spirit.

And I think that she has a really great

heart. Yeah, she's fantastic. Working for

her is great. You know, she pays for our

lunch on Christmas. So. Do you

work on Christmas?She did it. Why

shouldn't we do it?You know, that's what

she always says. You know, I did it. You

can do it. But I am

getting in trouble. Why are you getting

in trouble?She sometimes flips out a

little. So what?Is she there with you?No,

but she we are. She's got monitors on us

all the time, so you never know when

she's watching. She tapes it. OK, well,

I'll ask that hello anyway. She sees

everything. Is happiness

it?It can be it,

but it's not necessarily it, you know.

What's your favorite part of your body?

Have a nicely shaped head. OK. It's a

little conceited, but OK. Do you?Is that

conceited?No, no, no, no

Would you lie, steal or k*ll for Oprah?

Oh, please. No. I like Oprah, but

I ain't doing that. Good. She doesn't

want you to. Or at least not k*ll. Bella,

I think the question is a little strange,

too. Do you ever engage in digital rectal

stimulation?What do you what do you ask

me to do?I masturbate?Yes.

Doesn't everybody?I think so.

Well, then I'm part of everybody. Oprah

wants you to know that she doesn't

masturbate, but that it's normal for

everyone else too. All right. Do you

think Stedman is g*y?You know, I never

thought about that. OK, when you think of

Oprah's BM, do you think of it as

little, like a lot of little pieces?I do

not think of Oprah's BM ever.

Do you have a favorite ice cream?I'm not

crazy about ice cream. Like, I have two

pints of ice cream in my freezer now that

will be there. You are kidding me. No,

it won't until I get a hankering or ice

cream. No. OK,

let's push it on. And then I'll eat a

whole pint. Who cares?

Do you like the circus?I love the circus.

Oh, do clowns make you cry or do they

make you laugh?They make me laugh. They

don't make me cry. Unless it was

Pennywise the clown. From Stephen King's

aunt. Would you be happy if Stephen King

married Oprah?Oh, please.

I'd be happy if he k*lled Oprah. If

he k*lled Oprah. Oh, no, I said if he.

No, I'd be happy if they were friend

friends. Did you know that Oprah spelled

backwards as Harpo?Yes, I did. And did

you know that Miss Winfrey's mother had

an affair with not one, but two of the

Marx brothers?No, I didn't know that. And

that's why. She named her daughter

Oprah Jojarbo backwards,

because that was the one she didn't get

in the hat trick. Really?

Yeah. Now, why is Oprah telling

people that?She's not. Don't tell her. I

told you she's not. We've got to

wrap up. But in closing, if you had one

statement or you had a chance to say one

thing to Oprah, what would it be?I'd be

an incredible guest.

That would be my joke.

Was that that really that funny?Yeah,

you're a funny guy. You're a riot. OK.

Thank you so much for your time. All

right. All rightSteadman rules. Bye.

Citizens, have you been the victim of

crank phone calls?When you answer the

phone, does terror run through your veins

in fear that the perpetrators may strike

again?If so, and even if not,

you've got a lawsuit. I'm Ed Jewish,

and I want to be your lawyer. Call now.



That's ironic. Hmm

American Active Group, may I help you?

Yeah, I have some ideas, I'm a writer.

Yeah. And I will. I was. I wanted to

pitch some greeting card ideas. Uh huhAnd

can I pitch them to you?Here's one.

Listen to this one. Tell me if you like

this one. Happy birthday. This is

your special day. So go on out and have

a happy birthday. OK, happy birthday.

Nice, right?I have one. Check this one

out. In your new car, you are a

star on the way to a bar

or wherever you are in your new car.

Nice, right?Well, that's probably good.

But listen to this one. Listen to this

one. Listen to this one. It's about nice

feet. It's called. You have nice feet

from your ankles to your instep. I

really love your feet. So slim,

so strong, so shapely, so

gracefully and petite. So wrap your

toes around my Johnson. It's time to beat

my meat. Sounds good. Nice, right?Yeah.

Yeah, yeahThat's what I'm talking about.

It's nice. Probably we're going to use it

here. I got another one.

I'm ready. I like the way you

lick my nuts. My nuts in your mouth

feel so good. Warm saliva

dripping off. Yes.

That's kind of special. Yeah.

And check this one out. My testicles are

fun to eat, so you know you want to touch

it with your feet.

Wow. Nice, right?You sound.

You sound like you like that. I like it.

I could write some nice stuff. I could

write some nice stuff. You have a talent,

I think. Check this one out. I'm sorry

your Mama died. My Mama died too.

So I know how y'all feel.

Life is short. You got to get on

out and shake it. Stay cold.

Wow, it's great. What's your name?

My name is Yuri. You like my poems?

Which one?Which one you like the best?I

pretty much like all of them. You like

the one about the testicles?Yeah, I like

going, but you want to pay me?No,

I know. I don't. I could come over to

your house and we could get down. We

could write. You write. We can take our

clothes off and just write, man. No, I

think we can communicate by phone. OK,

so you're going to hire me or what?Let's

do it like this. I just hope you don't

take my ideas, man. I pray to. I pray

to the Lord, man. Just don't steal my

ideas, man. Oh, no. If you use your

ideas, you're definitely going to pay

you. Don't worry about it. How much you

think they'll pay me?Well, I don't know.

How much they'll pay me?Check this one

out, though. Roses are red.

Violets are great.

Mhm. Yeah, that's something. OK, buddy.

Wait a minute. Yuri. I got this one too.

Strip club. Strip club.

For where are thy?Strip

club. Strip club. Shot

jizz in my eye. Really.

Yeah. Good one. OK, so

call about an hour and talk to Dina about

it, OK?I don't make these decisions. OK.

But dig this here anyway, man. I just. I

just like the way you think, man. OK,

good. Yeah. You know, I wish I could just

get inside your head, man, and just

crawl around and just crawl around and

see what you're thinking about, man.

Yuri. Well, you sound like a very

intelligent person, man. You stimulate

me. You stimulated me. I I'm going to

hit you up later, man. You know?Take

care. Hey, Yuri. OK. Yeah. Yuri. Yeah.

YeahI'm here. I feel you. Do you

feel me?That's the question.

That's the question. You know, like to be

or not to be. This is the modern. This is

my. This is my version. I feel you.

Do you feel me?That is the

question. Yeah.

Goodbye. OK, bye. Don't change,

man. Yuri, don't change.

Yuri, don't change, man. Listen to me.

Don't change.

Hello. Is this Adeline Robinson?Yeah.

Adeline, you've just entered the phone

zone. I'm your

host, Sav McCall, and you're about to

play America's hottest new phone

game show. Are you excited?I don't know.

Hold on just a minute. All right.

High down. Hi, you're about to enter the

Phone Zone. Are you ready to play

America's hottest phone game show?I'm Sam

McCauley. I'm the host, and you're

playing for cash. Fresh, hot, wet

cash. Who am I speaking with?Johnny

Robinson. Mr. Robinson, Are you ready to

play?Hey, who that?

We're calling from the Phone Zone. It's

America's hottest new phone game show.

You could win cash. Fresh cash. Hot,

wet, stinky cash.

I reckon so. Let's go. OK. The first

question. How many children do you have?

Quickly. None. None. That is correct. We

good. You're on A roll so far. What

percent of cream is juice based?You've

got 3 seconds. 3%. Oh,

I'm. I'm sorry. No, it's 78%.

Spell kaleidoscope. You got me there.

All right. What is hair made of?

Minerals. I'm sorry. Say again.

Let me go to the judges. Nope, Nope,

Nope, no. I'm sorry, we cannot accept

that answer. We cannot accept that on the

phone zone.

At what temperature does blood freeze?

Blood don't freeze. Oh, the

correct answer was 33 degrees.

OK, we've got a we've got a speed round

here and what we need you to do is are

you using a touch tone phone or is it a

Rotary?This does not go against your

score. This is simply a question.

Touchdown. Great. That actually did go

against your score. By the way, I didn't

want to scare you. No problem. OK, Are

you ready for the next question as

quickly as possible?You have



I'm sorry. I am sorry. I

am so sorry.

umm That is not correct.

How many feet are in seven feet?

Let's skip that question. The last time

you went and did number twos in your

bathroom, did you thoroughly wipe your a*s

No, I didn't. Typical. But you got

that correct.

Are you excited for the next round?This

is called the double bonus whammy round.

This is where the cash gets stinkier,

sweatier, greasier, funkier,

funner. Hey, man, I got to go. I hate to

cut you out. I hate to cut the game off,

but I got to go. We have 48 more

questions left. I'm sorry, but I got to

go. I cannot accept that as an answer.

Oh, that's the wrong answer.

Oh. Oh. Well, we'll

we'll talk at y'all later. I'll call you

in 5 minutes with fifth round. I

won't be here. I will call. I won't be

here. You will. I won't. You will. I

won't be here. You will. We'll see.

Bye. Bye. No. Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, waitOne more question. Oh,sh*t

Remember, kid, Carmelo say, every time

you eat an egg, that's like eating a

chicken's baby. So next time you eat an

egg, think about eating baby.

Communications. Hi. I'm interested in a

cell phone. Yes. Hi.

HiCan I help you?Yeah, I'm just. I'm

interested in buying a cell phone. OK. I

want some information. So I'm just in the

middle of giving my grandfather a bath.

Hold on, please. Hello. Hello

Yes. How are you doing, Sir?Where are you

from?You're from Staten Island.

Yeah, I'm from Staten Island. OK. I'm

sorry. I'm just in the middle of giving

my grandfather a bath. It's it's coming

out of here. No, no problem. That's no

problem. Just shut up already. All right.

I just need directions from Staten

Island. OK. If you don't shut up, I'm

going to drown. You want me to stick your

head under the water?Is that what you

want?Is that what you want?Shut up

already. All right, keep going. So what

is it, Sir?It's you go to you take on the

BQEBQE to the Prospect

Expressway. Prospect

Expressway. You get off exit 4.

Exit 4. Yeah. When you go up the

ramp, it's you're going to make a right

on the stop sign. Uh, oh. Grandpa.

One second, Sir. No problem. Grandpa, are

you all right?Oh, man. I

think I had him under the water too long.

Oh, man. Grandpa. Grandpa.

What should I do?Call up 911. I guess

that's probably the best thing I really

don't know. He's not breathing, though. I

don't know what. But I don't want to

call. It was my fault, though. I just

wanted to get the information from you.

The directions. What do I do?I've never

been in a situation like this before.

He's not breathing. It's just me. He's

turning blue. Yeah, but that's that's

like kissing a guy, though. I don't. I

don't know, man. Grandpa. Grandpa, wake

up. Grandpa, please. Please

OK. All right. Real quick, Sir. So what

are the plans on the cell phone?Like the

Verizon?3500 nights and weekends. Oh,

my God. He's there's no pulse whatsoever.

Oh, man. All right, so how would I have

to buy the phone too first?Just turn on

on the things. It's free phone. I'm so

sorry. Oh my God. OK, what am I going to

do?Do I call the cops?That's what I would

do. Call the cops. Ambulance. Emergency.

So. All right. OK, fine. Let me do. I'll

do that in one second. I just want to

make sure I get this information. So if I

come in there, I can get the phone and

the plan the same day. Could you turn it

on within an hour?Yeah. All right.

Listen, can you do me one favor?What's

your name?tom-tom. If if I come in and

buy the phone from you because I know you

need to commission, could you not tell

anyone about this?Not a problem. You sure?

Not a problem. You know, I could say he

slipped, but I don't know. Believe me, my

mouth is shut. So your mouth is. If I

promise, I'll get the phone from you.

Don't worry about it. Just try to get him

some help right now. He'll scratch my

back. There you go. OK. All

right. I I I got a call of 911. All

right. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Quiet. Shut up.

Shut the hell up.

OK, there. Now it's we

got a song here. from a

group that plays

instruments

named Weena.

Weena?Oh, what?

Oh, named Ween.

Hey there, fancy pants Play the songs

that make us dance Play a tune that makes

the ladies swoon A

song for all the lonely hearts Shallowed

dreams and broken parts Feels like sunny

days are coming soon

Hey, Mr. Buttercup Spin the wheel

and try your love Sparred by shining

bright tonight on you

Bring along your lady friend Do a dance

from way back whenIt's a night when all

your dreams come true

Hey there, sour grapes Down in the

dumps, long in the face Drinking down

your dinner all alone

Feeling bad, feeling blue, tonight the

rainpoems with you So sit on down and

make yourself at home

Fancy pants, fancy pants

Fancy pants, fancy pants

Hee-haw!