04x05 - Dave Chappelle & Seth Green

[bunniefuu]

Hello. Hi there. Hi. Hello.

HelloHell yeah.

Hello. In the new edition, Mr.

Telephone Man Somebody playing on my line

Run as fast as you can And I pick the cap

in my phone from out to man 'Cause I hear

prime dine and laugh again You know who

it is Telephone gangsters,

pranksters Don't click over the crank

yankers Hello?Who is this?Who is this?I

don't know, man I'mma beat your a*s

Playin' them games for I know y'all

makin' the names, disgrace us all I'mma

catch you after work 'cause I'm tracing

the cows And we'll stop 69 and call ID

How the f*ck you gonna say you ain't

going with me?Crank Yankers.

Page control. Ohh Hi, this is Ed.

Ow, who's this?

This is Doyle Rogers. Hi, ow,

I got bees all over. On my

backyard by my tree. That's a

fact, huhOw! They keep kissing me with

their butts. Ow!

Yay! Ow! Yay! I love

bees. Ow! What should I do,

lady?Where do you live?In a

house. Ow! What should I do?

Well, either call a beekeeper or destroy

them. They're flying in my mouth. I just

squallowed a bee. Yay! Ow!

What should I do, lady?Uh, I

think I'd move. They just stung

my pee-pee. Ow!

Yay! I got a big pee-pee. Ow!

Well, if you give me an address, we may

come out there and help you. Ow! Uh..

Why do they keep stinging me?I thought

they were my friends. No, they're not

anybody's friends. Yay! I love

bees. Ow!Oh, man, they're

buzzing around in my tummy. Should I feed

them?Yeah, I'd feed them. Do they like

chicken?Uh, no, I think I'd

go pick some flowers.

So I got to eat the flowers?Yeah, if

they're after you, I'd put flowers all

over you, and they'll leave you alone. I

want to feed the ones that are in my

tummy. Oh, you're just going to have to.

Crap them out. So the bees are going to

come out of my buttThat'd be my guess.

Yay! Bees! They're going

to come out of my buttOK,

I'm putting flowers in my butt now. What

should I do?Ow! Yay!

I love bees! Ow!

Hello. Hey, uh, how are you?

I'm fine. How are you?Good. I got an

order. Uh, I wanted to

get 13 trophies.

Okay. It's for the seventh grade

basketball team. Uh-huhAnd I want the

inscription to say, Congratulations

on sucking.

Yeah, they're the worst, man. I'm their

coach. Ohh I mean, they just lost an

exhibition game to the Special Olympics

team. I'm not saying that those kids

aren't special, but come on, man. They

suck. I'm quitting. I'm probably going to

get fired. Well, that's not good. It's

not good at all. And it's all those

rotten kids' fault, man. They don't

practice. They don't do their homework.

They just suck. That's all they do is

suck. And I want to let each and every

one of those little bastardsKnow that

they suck because I'm going to get fired

anyway. I might as well go out. g*ns a

blazing, baby. I wanted to

actually put their names on them to make

it as specific as possible. But we can do

names. You can?Yeah. All right.

One for Rusty, who gave everybody pink

eye. Yeah, he did. I got four players

with pink eye. These guys are sh**ting.

They can't even sh**t layups. All they do

is rub their eyes and spread it. OK,

this kid, Jason. Biggest crybaby

you'd ever want to see in your life. Kid

cries before the game, after the game,

and during the game. Well, would you like

to come in and pick out a style, a

trophy style that you want to go with?Do

you have a guy sucking on a trophy doing

something like really dumb?I'm afraid we

don't have one like that. Do you have a

trophy with like a girl playing

basketball on it?I don't think I have any

girls. You should give me a trophy of a

kid throwing his life away. That'd be

funny. How How long each line?Like,

if I want to put, Congratulations on

sucking, Jason, you're the

bedwetter, and... Yeah, you have room for

all of that, yeah. Jeff, you're a big

ugly spazI say to them every

day, Practice! Practice!

Practice! I don't want to practice. I

don't want to practice. Oh, they say to

me, You want to practice at crying.

They're spoiled. The plight of the kids.

Yeah, it is. What's the matter with them

today?What What

was your name again?Francis. Francis?

Yeah. Can you stop by the shop?Sure.

And pick out what you like?Yeah, Yeah

definitely. Just make sure you write on

the order. Spell everything phonetically,

'cause I don't think they can read too

good as kids.

Okay. I think they're hooked on phonics

and some other stuff. How late are you

open tonight?We're here till six. And

what's your name again?I'm sorry. My name

is Cheryl. Cheryl. I'll just come talk to

Cheryl then because I feel comfortable

talking to you. OK. And I've been venting

on the phone so long with you. I figured.

No problem. All right. All rightWe'll see

you later then. All right. Yeah. I'll see

you later, Cheryl. OK, Frances. All

right. Thanks. Bye. Bye. You're welcome.

Cattle Company. This is Maureen. Is this

the ranch?Yes, it is. How you doing, the

ranch?This is Wayne Mcclammy. Yes.

You ever shop at a Banana Republic?Yeah.

You know that it's just chock full of

them, them sissy boys, right?Yep.

Well, there's one particular Sissy boy

works at the Banana Republic that I work

at. His name is Octavio.

And he he laughed at me when I told him

that I could wrestle a cow to the ground.

Can you believe that?

Is that something that that is that a

service that you provide?It is not. We

don't have necessarily that. I'm sure I

can find you a cow and we could let you

wrestle it to the ground. However, if you

wanted to make a reservation, you'll need

to talk with Penny. I sense that I don't

have your full attention. You do have my

full attention. We don't have necessarily

a cow for you to wrestle down, but if you

came down to the ranch and you stayed,

you could find one and you could do that.

We usually ride rope, do team roping,

do events like that, but we don't

necessarily just have one event where you

wrestle a cow to the ground. However,

they'll be more than happy to satisfy

your longings, and we would be more than

happy to have you. I like that, satisfy

my longings. Can I just tell you a little

bit about myself?My first name is Wayne,

which rhymes with pain and lady. I've had

plenty. Last name?McClammy.

Big old M, little itty bitty C, big old

C, hockey stick A mmm Y.

Wayne McClammy. Let me ask you this.

You a single lady?No. I've

been married for 30 years. Well, you

happy?No. We're getting divorced.

Well, that that dovetails nicely into my

next question. I'd like to also wrestle

you to the ground. Yeah, okay.

So now we've gone to a little too far

here. I lost my virginity when I was

nine years old. To my great grandma. You

know what?

Cow company, this is Maureen. Any of the

hoop. I was wondering if you're going to

talk filthy on the phone, I'm not going

to talk to you. If you really want to

come to the ranch, give me your telephone

number. I will give a call back when I

have the time. Otherwise, I don't think

that we need to speak. I will make you

this pledge. Not a filthy word will come

out of my word hole. I promise you from

here on in. OK. Where'd we

leave off?Oh, yeah, I lost my virginity

with the tender age of nine years old.

That is not what I need to know, sweetie.

To my great grandma. I'm sorry. I can't

help you with that. Hold on one second. I

want to talk to you about the beatings. I

can't help you with the beatings. You

need to either make a reservation or you

don't. This is my way of getting to a

reservation. Just justWe can't do that. I

don't have the time. I was beaten so

badly as a child.

This is Tracy. How may I help you?Hello.

HelloIs the bus company.

This is. May I help you?Yeah, I

got a problem. I got

on the bus today. I was waiting at the

bus stop. The bus pulled up,

the doors open.

I get on the bus and there's a

lady driving it.

So what's the problem?There's a lady

driving a bus. Problem is

there's a lady driving a bus. That's

right. Can you believe?I can believe

that. I can believe that. I used to be a

bus driver. What's what is your problem

with the lady?You got to be kidding me.

Pardon me?You got to be kidding me.

That's a very discriminatory statement to

make. No, that's not a discrim. I'm

worried. I'm worried about safety,

darling. Well, women drive buses just as

well as men do, Sir. So I don't know

about that. This is America. That's a

personal opinion. Women don't have the

eyesight for driving like men do.

I need to speak to someone there,

darling. This is not a valid complaint,

Sir. What do you mean this is not a valid

complaint?It's not a valid complaint. In

my day, women were home cooking and

cleaning. OK, that was probably 100 years

ago, too, right?And this woman was

wearing pants. Yeah, women wear pants

these days, Sir. That's obscene. Oh,

it's obscene for women to wear pants. I

need to speak to a supervisor. I'm not. I

hold on one moment.

Transfer information. This is John.

Hello, John. I'm glad to talk to you

because I was just talking to the other

lady. She got sensitive about something.

What can I help you with?I was riding the

bus the other day. The door

opens and there's a lady

driving the bus.

So I said, what's going on here?

I said this is not acceptable,

right?And she knows what she told me. She

said go sit down. Well,

it's very common, Sir, and that's that

will continue to happen. I felt like I've

been r*ped and I want to complain

about it. All right.

And I want you to put a stop to it. No,

that's not going to happen, Sir. As I

said, that's the standard procedure and

they're going to be employed in this job

like any other job. Do you understand

what I'm saying?There was a time in

this country when men were men.

And women were women. And now

you got women and men. You got my

grandson running around with other guys,

doing g*y stuff, touching each other.

It's not natural.

OK, Sir, I've got to move on to another

call here. Can you pick me up?No.

Dirty rat. You have a good day.

Hello. Hi, my name's Bertram. Is

this the pet walking place?Yes, it

is. What's your name?My name's Reagan.

What do you charge?You charge by the

session like a 1520 minute

walk is $14.00 and then like 1/2 an hour

walk is $16.00. Do you walk

people?Well, that would

definitely be something that we could

discuss. Yeah, my wife is a

big gal. Doesn't get a ton exercise. You

know how it is. You get married, pack on

a couple 100 lbs over the years. I've got

her the treadmills and the memberships to

the gyms and whatnot, but she's just not

motivated. Either way, you know, I'm

going for a walk. So it's she's friendly,

she's she's upsettingly fat. But other

than that, she's a great gal. I

would hope so. If you're married to her.

I married what's inside. You know, I

didn't. I didn't marry what's on the

outside. The problem is, is what's on the

inside is now about four feet away from

what's on the outside, if you know what

I'm saying. So why don't you talk it

over with your wife and and see what she

would like to do?And you can give me a

call back. Well, we didn't make it 21

years by talking things over. Oh, no.

Well, this isn't something that I'd be

willing to do unless she was. She's a

gamer. I talked to two people. I talked

to myself and the big man upstairs.

She'll be good to go. What should she

wear?We're not going for a five mile

hike. We're just going for a walk. I

understand. But I do want you to burn

some calories out there. Well, she's not

a horse. Yeah, she's a little bigger than

one. Hope you know what you're in for.

They don't make conventional clothing

that fits her anymore. She'll wear

usually a sheet with her head. Sticking

out of it, or sometimes a graduation

gown or judicial robe or something like

that. You know, I've seen a lot of

things. A lot of people in my in my

family are on the bigger side. Yeah, I

thought it was jeans, but her dad's built

like Ichabod Crane. Her mom's built like

olive oil. She's built like an oil

tanker. I got her one of those

pedometers. All right. Tells you how many

miles you walked. What do you think we

can expect to cover?I don't appreciate

the way that you're talking about your

wife in in in in a very derogatory

term. And I've been what would you do

if you married a beautiful statuesque





a dog and she's a horse, that's probably

not helping her any. Believe me, it's

it's the horses and dogs that should be

insulted, not her. You know what?I hope

she. I hope she divorces your a*s cause

you're a jerk.

Can I help you?I just want to say I love

your tanning salon. It's great and you

guys do a great job over there. Thank

you. I'm really sorry to do this and put

you on a spot, but I I need $15. So if

you can lend it to me, I'd appreciate it.

Uh, no thanks. If I

don't get the 15 bucks, I'm going to take

a dump in one of your tanning beds.

Can I help you?Yeah, it's Bobby again.

Look, I'm going to take a dump in one of

your tanning beds if you don't give me

the money. Can I help you?

Miss, you're being really rude. You keep

hanging up on me. I don't know what the

problem is. Calling. Do you understand?

OK, 15 lousy dollars and I won't drop a

deuce in there. Go to hell.

Can I help you?10 bucks. Go to hell. You

don't. You don't want to give me 10 bucks?

Yeah, as soon as I knock your a*s out.

OK, so have fun cleaning up a turd

tomorrow. Go to hell.

Look, I don't know what you're making

such a big deal about this for. It's 15

lousy dollars. Listen,

stop. I

understand that. But I don't know why you

just can't help me out. Where's the love?

Help. You need to go find a job.

Hello. Hi. Is this is this who I call

about the the billboards?Yes.

Oh, great. Who am I talking to?This is

Beau Birkin. Hey, Beau, how are you?This

is Russ. Hey, Russ, how are you doing?I'm

doing great, man. I'm looking to rent a

billboard and I'm really excited

about it. And I want the message to say

at 5:00 PM on September 15th,

I'm going to jump off this sign to my

death and it'll have a big picture of me

smiling with my thumbs up. You're

kidding, right?Well, that's exactly the

point. It's hilarious. We play jokes on

each other all the time. My buddies and

I, it's like, who can do the biggest

prank?And I'm thinking, you know, a

billboard announcing suicide that.

That's a huge prank. This is crazy. Which

billboard do you want?How much typically

do billboards tend to cost?How long?How

long would you want it for?For like a

month?Yeah, a month. Sounds good. That'd

be enough, enough build up. I mean, it's

going to cost you $3000 to do it for a

month. That would include your artwork

and everything. Awesome. So about 3

grand. That'll be fine because I'm not

going to need that money. Can you hold on

just a second?Yeah, just a second.

Hello. Well, I

am. That's exactly the point, man. Is

that my buddies and I, we play pranks on

each other all the time. Like one time a

friend of mine, he played this prank

where he told me we were going to do a

Houdini trick like a fake magic show and

got all of our friends there. And then he

put me in the tank and then he poured the

water in and then everybody left. Well,

this is an expensive prank. You sure you

want to pay 3 grand for this prank?

Absolutely, Sir. I am dead serious. All

right, man. The look on their faces is

going to be priceless.

Listen, everybody's going to think I'm

really going to jump, and I'm not really

going to jump. I am. But it I can't

allow you. You're not planning on getting

on the billboard, right?No, that'd be,

you know, nearly impossible unless there

was some kind of access ladder. You know,

the type of thing that they used to put

it up with. So this is all about a prank

with you and your buddies. I'm looking.

I'm looking for these guys to notice me.

You know what I'm saying?Splattered. But

notice me because I haven't been able to

pull off the big prank and I will show

them. That would absolutely be awesome.

That would totally do it. This is going

to be the best practical joke ever if it

wasn't true. So I'm going to make sure

they shouldn't have picked on me. You

know, their lives will be ruined and I'll

be the king of the pranks. Why were they?

Why will their life be ruined?Because I'm

the king of the pranks. Everything that

they've done, all the BS that they

thought was awesome. You know what I mean?

They'll see. It wasn't nothing compared

to this billboard. This is going to be

the coolest. I'm at peace with the

decision. That's right. All right, man,

it's crazy. It is. I'm going to check on

it tomorrow on the state and I'll, I'll

give you calls. It's going to be awesome,

man. I'll check on it and I'll call you.

See you on the ground.

Yeehaw.