03x04 - Jimmy Kimmel & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers, Sarah

Silverman, Tony Barbieri, Jim

Florentine, Adam Carolla, Jim

Florentine again, Jimmy Kimmel

and Bob Rodenkirk. I'm

the smart one. Look what I did. I saw the

hole in your argument.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter, 'cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

Hello, Candle Garden. Hi,

my name is Hadassah, and I bought a

candle there about two days ago.

Uh-huhWhen I bought it in the store, it

smelled so good. And I brought it

home, and I lit it, and it smells like

human feces. It's kidding. My whole

house smells like it now,

you know?And it's not even like I wantThe

candle replaced. I'm not gonna get

another candle from there, but I would

appreciate it if you guys paid for my

entire apartment to be steam cleaned. How

on earth does it smell like

human feces?I would love for you

to answer that, madame. Is it Is it

possible that someone crapped in it

before it hardened, or it... I don't know

where it was... I bought

it because when I smelled it, I was like,

oh, my God, this smells so not like

doody, like the opposite of doody.

And what candle did you buy?Do

you know or remember what color it was?It

was brown. The only brown candle I make

is a fudge brownie.

Yeah, I bet. And I can...

This is a most unusual phone call because

I can assure you I do not in the candle.

I find that a bit insulting. I think

possibly. You find it insulting under

your house. Did you make the fudge candle

yourself?If that's the one you bought,

yeah. YeahI'm not real

sure what you bought, so that's why I'm

having a little difficulty with this. OK.

I bought my candle at a place called the

Candle Garden. Uh-huh

And I brought it home and I lit it and it

smells like a porta potty. And um

I don't appreciate it. Well A house full

of duty. The only thing I can do is

refund you the money for your candle,

because there is nothing else.

Uh-uh. Not gonna-- I had to take a crap

to cover the smell. Oh, this is

ridiculous.

Hello, Candle Garden. Hi, it's Hadassah.

I owe you a huge apology. I'm so

embarrassed. Actually, I found that fudge

brownie candle totally unlit, still

in the bag. Smells delicious.

I want to eat it.

I figured there was a problem and it

wasn't my candle. No. Oh, God. I

am so sorry. No, I appreciate

the apology. Yeah, I actually found the

culprit, so... I bet it

was a pet. No, I had actually lit

my own duty.

Hello, this is Etienne, the front desk

concierge calling. Is this Mrs. Fox?Yes.

Hello. I'm sorry to disturb you.

How is everything in your stay so far?So

far, so good. Wonderful. And what is your

name?Corolla Shrub. All right,

Corolla, we are have a we are

experiencing a slight problem at the

hotels that I need to make you aware of.

The hot water heater has temporarily

broken down and we need to limit

certain guest rooms usage of the hot

water, meaning we are going to

be shutting off your hot water for

approximately 72 hours,



good because, I mean, today is fine, but

tomorrow I will, I will, I will

definitely discuss this with Doctor Fox

as soon as he comes back from his

meeting. We need to shower. Problem is

we have certain VIPs coming in to the the

hotel between you and I. Chuck

Woolery is checking into the hotel. All

right, you understand what I'm saying?

Well, So what are you saying?So. So we

are going to need to divert the hot water

that would be coming to your room into

his room. I will send you up a

complimentary fruit plate. But I don't

want a complimentary fruit plate. We want

water in the morning. I am sorry. And you

know, you know, and to be told that we

are not important enough. Well, this is,

this is Chuck Woolery. Whoever Chuck

Woolery is. Have you ever seen Love

Connection?No, I haven't. I can

assure you that you are not more

important than he is. Chuck Woolery,

he's designated a VIP. So in other words,

he is your better we. I doubt

that very much. He's not. He's done love

connection. He's done a guest spots on

never mind who he is. He's done guest

spots on the new Love Boat. I mean, it's

since been canceled. Robert Urich died.

Look, I I I don't think I want to

continue this conversation. Ma'am, please

do not be hostile with me. You are a

guest in my hotel. Well, well, then get

to the point. Otherwise, my time. I

understand that your room is being

occupied by a doctor, but a

doctor is hardly a game show host. Come

on. I will be talking to the manager

shortly. I am. I am the manager. I am the

manager. I am being treated

with utter disrespect. Look, I don't want

to talk to you. Well, speak to me as a

professional, please. As a professional.

You would have never, never, ever told

anybody that they're not as important as

other guests. You would have just said

the water shut off. Sorry. There's

nothing we can do about it. Yes, but

seriously, you are no Chuck Woolery. And

now I have to go. Goodbye.

We'll be back in two and two.

Hello. Yeah. Who's this?This is

Harvey. Who you want to speak to?Harvey,

this is Ed. What?What's up, my man?

What's up, bro?I got big boy

hair. Yay.

I want to know if you guys can cut it.

Make it look fancy. No, no, no

Why not?

Nah, I I can't cut that. It's

growing in my magic place. OK.

Could you put a weave on my big boy hair?

HuhDo you have big boy hair?

No. I do. Well, I can't cut that.

Do you have... Does big boy milk come out?

No, I just do cutting and a little braid.

That's it. 'Cause my big boy hair, it's

fuzzy like my blankie. Well, I keep

telling you, I don't cut that. You don't

have it. Who cut yours?I don't cut mine.

What do you mean?I don't cut big boy

hair. So why you keep bothering me?Well,

no. Well, who cut yours?'Cause you said

that someone-- I don't have big boy hair.

So why you keep bothering me?Because--

You're gonna make-- listen, you're making

trouble this way 'cause I have a haircut.

I know you have a haircut. And don't call

me no more. I just want to know if you

cut-- But don't call me no more, okay?I

have big boy hair, but I got a little boy

p*nis.

Hello. Name's Birchum.

Seen them big feet. Want to go after one

with you. Oh, OK. You know,

seen that Yeti up there, seen that

Sasquatch. You seen them out where you

are?Seen mine back in '72, back

in Louisiana, Missouri. Wow. I

heard you were attacked by one. No, it

didn't get to me. You know, there was a

bunch of dogs involved in it. The dogs

kind of helped me out. Mm-hmmDogs were

running away. It was k*lling dogs. They

were finding dogs with their heads ripped

off. Boy, howdy, that's that's a

Bigfoot, all right. Oh, yeah, I walked

over to Anne Bob Wear Fence without even

losing a stride. You going to take him

down?You going to k*ll one?No, I'm

planning on it. I'm basically looking at.

You see that movie, The Dirty Dozen?Yeah.

That's what I'm looking for. Well, except

for it's three guys. Oh, well, you think

you can bag one of those suckers?I damn

well, no, I can't. Tell me what you've

seen. All I know is it's got beady red

eyes, it's covered with hair, walks

like an old Jew, and it needs to die. Aye

OK, you're damn sure this ain't some

idiots out there in a damn suit playing a

prank, right?Do I sound like some kind of

Jackass who get on the phone and waste

your time for a laugh?Well, no, but I

just thought I was involved in some kind

of m*rder or some idiot that's wearing a

suit. I've shot plenty of men. I

know the difference between a man and a

Bigfoot. I need eyes. I need an extra set

of eyes. I need an extra trigger finger.

I also need bait. Well, you can use bait.

Well, Bill, that's why we're talking.

Well, that surely ain't going to be me.

Bait was a bad, bad word. I shouldn't

have used that. Let's just call it decoy.

How many?Is it you and who else?It's

going to be just me, you and an Indian

tracker. Let me just say this, Bill, only

stipulation. I squeezed the

trigger on the k*ll shot because

it's personal.

OK. You don't mind sharing a tent, do

you, Bill?Well, I got my own.

All right, we'll use yours. You don't

mind bunking up, do you?

I'll pack my own. We'll do that thing

where we marry the sleeping bags. We

just zip them together, make one big

pouch just for heat.

No hanky panky.

Oh, he'll be in there. Yeah.

No, I'm not really interested, man. I

appreciate. Bill, I think you should

know. I do sleep in the nude, but I don't

go that way. Well, you know, I,

you know, I figured, you know, I mean,

bring a 44 and some water soluble lube.

No, appreciate the call. All right, Bill.

All right, take care. Yeah. Bye.

Surplus Center, this is Al. Hi Al, this

is Bobby Fletcher. I bought some bait at

your shop a few days ago, and I wound up

catching a shark. And

when I cut it open, it had a human head

in it. Wow.

Yeah. So I don't know what I should do. I

mean, well, I'd call the state police

Sheriff's Department. Why?You think

they'll let me keep it?Well, I doubt

they're going to let you keep the head.

I'd like to keep it, actually. I got it

in my living room, you know. I got up on

a mantle. It kind of matches the couch.

You know what I mean?You talking to the

fish's head or what?WhatNo, no, the human

head. I've been getting a lot of

compliments on it, actually. But I'd

definitely be for calling the sheriffs or

the state police, one another. What?Why

is that?You find somebody's head. Come

on, get real. You're going to call the

cops. Why?I don't know. I don't knowI

don't know what to do. I just don't, you

know. What else are you going to do?I

was thinking about maybe using it as bait

for the next time I go out. Oh, yeah,

that that sounds really good. I'm just

telling you, you're a little off-center

guy using somebody's head for bait. Well,

what if I keep it?I mean, do you know a

taxidermist maybe?Oh, yeah, sure.

A lot of guys are going to stuff a human

head. I don't think so, guy. Come on, get

real. Is it's not my fault that there was

a head in the shark that I caught. How

many people are going to put a head,

somebody's head over their fireplace or

mounted or anything else?

Well, I didn't know what else to do with

it. I don't know what

world you're living in, guy, but you

should call the state police. It looks

Asian ahead. Is there any Asians missing?

How would I know?I don't know. They're

going to come out and take it and then

try to identify the person. I would

imagine. I'm not a police officer. Oh,

man, I don't want them to take it. This

is ridiculous. I named it Wong, you know.

Well, I don't. I don't know what else to

tell you. Well, see, the problem is the

cops question me about it. Then I'm going

to have to tell them where I bought the

bait from. Then they're going to come

after you guys. For what?

For selling you sand shrimp?Come on, get

real. Yeah, but they're going to want to

find out. You don't think they're going

to backtrack and find out where I got the

bait from all this other stuff, man. I

don't know what plans you're working on,

but I'm not interested in this

conversation. There's not a plan. You're

being ridiculous. The other night I put

my hand in it like a puppet. I made this

funny voice. I don't care. It was

hilarious. It scared the hell out of my

buddy, man. I don't care. Do you

understand?

Who's on first?

What?

Ohh

I

don't know.

Can I help you?Hi. How are you the

manager?I'm the director of operations.

Wonderful. Thank you. My name is Terrence

Catheter and I'm calling about

Johnny Knoxville. We wanted to sh**t a

prank for his new extreme, extreme,

extreme prank show there in your

restaurant. I couldn't give you clearance

until I speak with the owners. OK, well,

let me tell you about what we want to do

there. So you have all the details and we

make sure it's all set. Johnny

Knoxville, you're familiar with him?Sure.

OK. He does pranks and whatnot, as

does Ashton Kutcher. You familiar with

Ashton?Not really, but I'm not. I

don't really watch any TV. He does a he

also does a a prank show. And Johnny

wants to pull the ultimate prank on

Ashton. So what Johnny is going to do is

we're going to film him cutting off his

pinky toe. And what we would

like to do is then film your chef

cooking his toe.

Into Ashton's food, whatever

Ashton orders that morning, he would

actually be eating human toe and we want

to get it all on camera and then reveal

it to him afterwards. It's going to be

fantastic. Well, I don't generally cook

toes. That's a new one. Is he having it

with pasta or is he having it in a

hamburger or is he having it in a I was

thinking in a breakfast, they'll probably

order breakfast items and maybe that

you could make it look like a mushroom

cap. And think of the publicity for the

restaurant, too. I mean, it's, you know,

it's going to be on national television.

You'll be the restaurant, you know,

you'll be the one that serves human toe.

I mean, people realize that it's a

prank show. People realize it's a prank

show. But yeah, I just need to make sure

that whatever you're filming that we look

clean and it's of course, of course,

we'll scrub up. And you're taking them

now into the kitchen. Yes, we'll take

them into the kitchen. We'll show video

of the toe being decapitated from the

foot. And you wouldn't have to close me

down on anything. No, no, no, no, noWe

could still bring people in. And we, you

know, if they want to taste the toe or

whatever. I mean, he's a famous guy. So,

but I think this sounds like it's going

to be fantastic for you, for us, for

everyone, everyone but Ashton.

OK. Tomorrow I'll be there at 1:00.

I'm hoping to have the toe with me and

I'm hoping that we can pick the chef and

we can scout the whole thing and we can

get this thing going. All right. Thank

you so much. Thank you. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

Good afternoon, Fern. Uh, hello.

My name is Robbie Twinglings. Yes, I'm

calling from FIM. Who am I talking to?My

name is. How can I help you?How are you

today?Good. The group I'm with, FIM

is planning a protest. It's an anti

fur group and we're going to be coming

down next Tuesday, if that's OK with you

guys. I just want to make our protest in

the easiest possible way. We just want to

come down there. We're going to throw a

little bit of blood around right out of

there. Take 35 minutes. Well, what

exactly is your statement here?Well, it's

anti fur. You know, it's just about

fur. I understand that. Fur is m*rder is

what that's what the group is called. Do

you guys validate for parking?Because

we're going to have about 9 cars.

No, you shouldn't come. I mean, if we

accommodate each other, I think we can

both. Well, we can make big headway in

putting an end to animals as clothing.

Well, what's your alternative?Well,

leather. Well, what about the cow?

Cows have fur. No. The Indians

used it. Oh, police. Name me one furry

cow. Every one of them.

Well, I hate you. You don't need to get

personal about it. Oh, I'm the smarty.

I'm the smart one. Look what I did. I saw

the hole in your argument. No, no, no

That's not why. Yeah, real good. You feel

superior now. Good for you.

Superior to Robbie. Everything was fine

until you brought up cows. Well, look,

everything. I hate this group and I hate.

I would bail on this group, but this is

the first time I've had real friends in

this town. I'm sort of. There are lots of

groups out there to follow. Yeah. Don't

worry about it. Whatever. I'll find

another one. But do you clean fur?

Yeah. I'm going to bring some fur in to

be cleaned. You just need to find a new

group first, maybe, before we can help

you. You know. Bye-bye. Not

goodbye. How about that?