03x09 - Eminem & Tracy Morgan

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers, Kevin

Nealon, Dane Cook. Brian

Prosane, Tony Barbieri, Fred

Stoler, Jim Florentine, and Jimmy

Kimmel as Elmo Higgins. Kim Ching!

That's a cabbage.

Come one, come all 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers Come on, come

on You can say what you want And they'll

never know if you're derangedOh,

what?But it doesn't really matter No, it

doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll all be

doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others Maybe even your mother

wants to join the Crank Yankers tonight

Crank Yankers!

Hello. Do you have an ad running in the

paper today?Yes. Yeah. What are you

looking for?I'm looking for someone to

take care of my home when I'm away. I go

to Europe about 3-4 times a year. What is

your name?Armida. OK.

Take it easy. OK. And I would be,

would you be able to stay there for up to

two months to six months?Well, I don't

know. That's what I'm asking you. What

are you looking for?OK. OKAll right.

We're off to a bad start here. Tell me a

little bit about yourself. Well, I'm a

certified nursing assistant. OK, relax.

Let's calm down. Let's break it down a

little bit. I'm too excited. It's a

beautiful house. You're going to love it.

I'm a certified nursing assistant. OK. So

I'm a caregiver. I can, you know, I'm

usually, I'm helping people and licensed

to take care of the. You're coming on a

little strong now. Let's just dial it

down a little bit. OK. So you're a nurse.

I'm a nursing assistant. Oh, OK. OK

This is a conversation, not a screaming

match. So you would be doing that. Pardon

me. I said I know. OK, let's just

start over. You'd you'd be able to stay

at the house and watch the house and take

care of the cars and water the lawn. OK.

All right. Take it

easy. Take it easy. What's the take?

What's the easy part?What are you saying?

Take it easy. OK. I think I struck a

nerve here. I think I struck a nerve with

you. All right, let's, let's move on now.

I will be leaving town actually in two

weeks and I'll be gone for 2



What I'd like to know is let's let's try

to funnel. Let's try to funnel your

energy in a positive direction here.

Hard, Armenia. Let's just

take it easy. Steady now. Easy does it.

Are you allowing whoever is taking care

of your home to leave the home?Or you

want them there twenty-four hours a day?I

mean, whatever. No, obviously they can

leave the home. But I Armenia, I need you

to lower your voice. Can you try that for

me?Yes. A little bit lower.

Yes. OK. OK

What?What I need. What I need is someone

to just stay there and keep an eye on it.

I understand that. Let's take a step

back. Let's just think before we speak

here. What do we need to know?You're so

hard to even talk to. Forget it. Good

luck. Oh, hang up.

Good afternoon. Language school

for English. I'm sorry. One more time.

For English.

English. For English?

Please. Okay. Do you want to

learn English?

For to teach...

To teach me?Yes, I

understand. Are you in the United States?

Do you live... In the United States, yes.

YesOK, what is your first language?

What language do

you speak?OK, where are you from?

I am new. I am new.

I am new. I am new. Are you from

Japan?Teach.

Teach me English. I understand you.

You need to come here.

The telephone. This is This is not good.

You will need to come into the school to

talk. How much to know?

Well, we have different

prices for different classes. That

will change the price. It will change the

price on which class you take. Right.

Okay. Do

you know our address?Yeah, yeahOkay.

Can you come here tomorrow?For

English?Well, to talk to someone.

Sure. Okay, why don't you come

in tomorrow?

For a price for my wallet. Yes,

Yes I understand. How much?Sir?

Yes, I understand. You need to come in.

Please help me.

OK, it's going to be about about

$800. Oh, ohh whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jeez, uhOK.

OKThere are also other lessons.

Other. You teach me in English now.

Other lessons.

Go. Next. Next next one.

Other lessons. Could teach English.

Sir. Yeah. Are you okay?

Yeah. Teach English. Okay,

for more information, you should come

into the school. Let me grab a pen.

Okay, give me the address. Are you crazy?

I'm sorry?What the ?

Hang up the phone. Who's this?Hang

up the phone. Not till I know who it is.

Hang up the phone. No, I don't

think so. Hang up the phone. Why?

Hang it up. Why?

Just hang up the phone! Why'd you

call then?Let me answer that question

with another question. Hang up the phone?

Dude, don't hang up.

Hello?Bonjour. Is this Ms. ?

Yes. This is Etienne, the front desk

concierge, calling from the front desk.

Yep. How are we today?Fine.

Wonderful. The reason I am calling,

there's a problem with the locking

mechanism for the door. They

are being triggered through the computer.

Several guests have been locked within

their room. Do you have your room key

available, ma'am?Yes.

If you can insert the card or the key

into the slot. OK. Hold on one second.

Yeah, it looks fine. All right. I've

gone ahead and reprogrammed that. I will

go ahead and put the $25 key

reprogramming fee onto your room charge.

No, you won't. Would you rather...

I can sense that you can pay cash.

There's no fee involved here. This is

complimentary of the hotel to charge you,

is it mere $25?No. It's normally a $50

reprogramming fee. No, there is no

reprogramming fee. Well, it was not I, it

was you who broke the lock. I didn't

break a lock or anything. Well, we just

had to... And what are you talking about?

This is Etienne, I'm the front desk

concierge. It is my pleasure to serve you

today. What is your name?I'm

Etienne. I'm the front desk concierge and

because I appreciate you and you are a

valued guest, I am saving you 50% off

your... You're not saving me anything

because I'm not paying a cent. Madame, if

you refuse this payment, I will have to

lock you in your room. Then lock me in my

room and I will call the police.

Madame, I will have to shut off all phone

services as well as water services. Okay,

go ahead. Open the door. But I will send

you a fruit cup. You will not send me a

bill. Madam, the bill, it's already been

processed through your credit card. No,

it has not been processed to my credit

card. I guarantee that. It's an

incidental. It's merely an incidental.

No, it's not an incidental. You're not

charging me $25 when you call up and

tell me there's a problem with the room.

And there wasn't a problem. We just got

in the room. You were the one who

demanded that I. I did not demand

anything! You called me!

It was you. No, it was you who said,

Reprogram my key now. This is insane. I

want to rectify this problem, Monsieur,

all right?There is no rectifying this

problem. This is bullsh--.

Hello, how can I help you?Yes, I'm in a

screenwriting night school class, and

we want to print up some scripts, and I'd

like to know some prices, please. Hold

on. Is this -- you just want us to copy

it for you?I'd like you to help me in two

ways. Tell me the prices of copies, but

alsoI'm stuck with a

scene. First of all, could I ask you,

there's nudity in it. And do you know an

actress I could put in it that will do

the nudity but also can like act and have

tantrums and be expressive?And then

there's a scene where there's a robbery

and she runs out and the guy didn't do

the robbery. What would be a good idea

for him to say that where he was when the

robbery happened?Give him my alibi. He

was in an alibi?Well, he could say he was

he was with his girlfriend. The one

who got naked?Yes. Okay,

what's your name?My name is . Where

are you from?I'm from Jamaica. Okay,

what's the best Jamaican sci-fi m*rder

movie?Third World Cop, and they have a

little bit of nudity. Does he show his

weenie leenie, his thing, the the weenie?

No, the girl shows a little bit.

My script has a lot of pubic hair, you

knowOkay. All right, let's role

play. You were cheating on

me 'cause I saw bras in the corner and I

saw pubic hair on the

street by where your house is. You were

cheating on me, Vanessa. I'm cheating on

him. You Jezebel. The bra could be my

bra. Well... So I would tell him,

baby, you're insane. That's a good point.

That's why I want you as my partner in

this. All right, let's try the scene

again. You were cheating on me.

All right, maybe that's your bra. But why

is the bra on the floor?You always put it

on in your drawer. You heard me coming

up. You threw the bra down. Where is he?

Is he hiding in there?Because I threw it

on there. I was tired. There's blood in

the bra. Why is there blood in the bra?I

saw you at the dance hall with that fat

woman. Maybe you are a l*sbian. No, I'm

not. If I was a l*sbian, I wouldn't be

with you. Well, but we haven't been doing

that. You could. You could have sweaty

ready so much lately. Maybe you're a

l*sbian. Maybe I am. There's only one way

to find out. Oh, this is good. I'm

writing this down. I'm going to come and

print it up. You're helping my script so

much. I'm a writer. I write books, Sir.

That's why. What's your book about?

Basically about the ghetto. I mean, I'm

not too sure if you know about the

ghetto, but oh, do I know?Why do you

think I'm a gritty writer?We go down the

street. There's cars in the street. Some

of them throw drugs at you. You meet them

in the street. Not like that. I know, I

know gritty things because I stole

things. I stole, you know, People

magazine, the little coupons or the

subscriptions. I take them. I take them

out. Hello. Hold on. OK, Sir.

Hi, can you do me a favor?Yes. Can you

please stop calling?I need an ending to

my movie because I'm going to print up.

You know what?That's not a service that

we offer here. We don't have. Just help

me with this last scene. Jamaica's

sinking. They're on the lifeboat. There's

not enough room. And he looks up. He

goes, take me boat seat, Rasta girl. Take

me boat seat, Rasta girl. And then he

goes, I love you. I don't care about the

blood in the bra you threw down on the

floor. And then she says, what does she

say?All right, rightShe

says nothing because she's. Rasta, girl.

I don't

know. How can I help you?Hi. Who's this?

This is. Yeah, this is Ed. Yes,

Ed. Yeah. What time is it?It's



time to make the doughnuts. Thank you,

Sir. How much are the strawberry

doughnuts?$0.69.

Yay. It's time to make the doughnuts.

Thank you. How much for the vanilla

doughnuts?Same price, Sir. $0.69. Yay.

It's time to make the doughnuts. It is

definitely time to make the doughnuts.

How much are the crawlers?Same prices,

$0.69. Yay! It's time to make the

doughnuts. Yes, it is. Do you make the

doughnuts with your buttWhatever you

want. It depends upon you what you eat.

So you can make the doughnuts with your

buttYeah, if you want to eat it. Yay!

It's time to make the doughnuts with your

buttYes, why don't?Come over. Lady,

how much is the plain doughnuts?Same

price. What is that?You don't

remember?No. That's too bad.

Do you remember?No. That's too

bad. Yes, it is. Well, how much is it?



time to make the donuts. No problem. Why

don't you come over and we'll give you

some. You have crawlers?We have.

Does anyone ever buy a crawler and put it

in their buttWell, if you wish to. Yay!

It's time to put a crawler in my butt

Do you have cream donuts?Yes, we

do. Yay! It's

time to make the donuts. Do you have ones

with holes in them?I have all kinds.

Do you ever put your pee pee in the hole?

Oh, yes. Umm

I want my mommy.

Hello?HelloWho's

this?Um, I was calling about the job in

the paper. What job?

Break in bed. I need somebody to

sleep in the bed and break it

in, make it nice and soft for me.

That sounds good, I can do that. What's

your name, darling?My name's Jerry.

Okay, Jerry, tell me about yourself.

I'm 45 years old. What do you

weigh?Oh, 160

pounds. Okay, you're a big girl, I

like that. Okay, that's good, 'cause

you break it in faster, 'cause you got a

lot of heft. Yeah. You

roll around in bed?My boyfriend says I

kick him and I move around a lot. He

can't sleep in a bed with us. He's

just gonna be us, too. Tell me what you

look like. I don't know, I got brown

hair. Is it long and

flowing?No, it's not long. It's short and

curly. Short and curly, like a colored

fella. No, I have natural curly hair.

Like a colored fella. No.

What do you say you're good in bed?I

don't know why. I mean, I don't

understand why that has to do with

breaking in a bed. Because you're working

in the bed. I know, he's who

he is. We have to sleep in the bed

together to break it in. Who you talking

out there?I'm talking to my boyfriend.

No, baby. This is a serious

job here. What's the work consist of?

You sleeping through loud noises and

shouting. Who's going to do the loud

noises and shouting?I scream in my sleep.

Why is that?Because I dream about the

w*r. Which w*r?About the

Korean w*r and all the damn

Koreans surrounding me. Last night I

woke up screaming kimchi.

What's that?That's a cabbage. Oh,

okay. So you got short, curly hair.

You're fat, and that's all I know

about you. Uh-huhDo you like to sleep

on the top or the bottom?On the bottom.

Okay, then. I'll be sleeping right on

top of you then, on your soft, plump

body. Okay. And I want you to

bring a nail clipper with you, so you

can cut my nails. Okay.

Because they're like hooks right now,

and I might slice your leg open with

them. Okay, dude. Okay, then. Where Where

do I have to go?Just come to my house.

Where's that?Next door. Next

door where?To my neighbor. Oh, good, I

don't know where your neighbor is. Ah,

this one's a moron. All right, good

night, I gotta take a nap. What's your

address?