03x11 - Holiday Special

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers, Kevin Nealon,

Jimmy Kimmel, Jim Florentine,

Jordan Rubin, Jonathan Kimmel,

Kevin Kimmel, and Wanda Sykes as

Gladys Murphy. That finger is

stinking.

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh

what?But it doesn't really matter. No,

it doesn't really matter 'cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your mom.

to join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Hello. Yes, hi. I'm

calling for the ad in the newspaper. OK.

And your name is Karina. Is

that Irish?No,

Hispanic. Oh, Hispanic. Wow. You're

calling about the. The house seater.

Right. The house seater. And when could

you start?Oh, anytime right now.

Really. OK And what is your

fee?As a nanny, it's different. I was

working for 1314 dollars an hour. Wow.

That's great. Do you speak

Spanish?Because I have a housekeeper

that's Spanish. Oh, yeah. Wow.

WowWowThat's

great. Can you cook?Oh,

Japanese. Japanese. Wow.

WowThat's great. That's great.

OK. And and and are you, are you good

with the phone?Oh, I

hope I get a wow out of this.

Well, you know, he's like, yeah, are you

so much?Yes, you are. Wow.

No people in the house that don't belong

there. No parties. Are we understood?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Wow. Great.

Great. You are so. I don't drink. I

don't. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I

don't. Really. Wow. I

drink. I drink like in Christmas, maybe

like once. So I say. Oh, well, I don't

think this is going to work out then. Oh,

yeah. What were you saying?Yeah. I don't

think this is going to work out. I mean,

if there's drinking going on at

Christmas. No, no, no, no, noI mean, we

have family, you knowOh, wow.

Really. Really. OK. All right. All right

You can start in in two

weeks. Are you available then?

Yeah. But wow. Do you know how

to work a drug scale?No.

OK. I could leave you the instructions on

that. Sometimes we get prank phone calls.

Can you tell when you're being pranked?

Yes. Wow.

WowWowWow

Oh,

wow. OK. Well, thank you very. It was a

wonderful time talking to you.

OK. OK, Chuck. Wow now. Bye.

Wow!

This is . How may I help you?Hey, this is

the bus terminal. How can I help you?

I was in there on the bus.

And I want to speak to those ever in

charge of the lost and found. What'd you

lose?I lost my pacemaker.

No pacemakers were turned in today?

Well, that's-- I know I lost it on the

bus there, and I had it in me,

and it somehow-- I

met gas and it came out.

What's your name?My name is

Elmer Higgins. Elmer Higgins. Just a

moment, please.

Where did this happen?It happened when I

was on the bus. Where at?I was

sitting on the 3rd row. 3rd row. But

I mean, what's that?I was next to the. I

was next to the ChinamanLook, tell me.

Look, tell me, man. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. You

need to get in touch with the hospital so

you can have that fixed for you. I didn't

lose it at the hospital. I lost it at the

bus. Well, unless you give me some

information on it. There's no way I can

find it. The driver's a colored fella.

What's his name?I don't know. Well, see,

you ain't giving me no information, but

you you go ahead. He's a colored fella.

He's colored black. You better call

somebody that can come help you. That's

why I'm calling. Can you send the bus

over here with it and I'll put it right

back in?No, Sir, we cannot. Can you stop

by then or something?Because I

really need this thing. Because I will

die without it. Well, you need to call



syncopated right now. What is your

address?Like Ricky Ricardo's beating on

my heart. What is your address?And his

fists. I'm having trouble hearing

now because of my heart. What

is your address on me?

Listen, Sir, I'm going to have to go

here, but you need to call somebody and

get you some help. If you lost your

pacemaker, it's worth your deal. I did

lose it. OK. I had. Did

anybody turn in an artificial hip?

No. But what you need to do is need help.

Listen, hey, hey, what you need to do is

dial 911, OK?You stole

my heart, OK?You need to dial 911, OK?

You need to do that right away, OK?

Pharmacy, this is. Do

you have cough syrup?Which kind of cough

syrup?The kind

that makes you sleepy.

There's a lot of those out there. It just

depends on what you're looking for. Yeah,

my mom calls it.

Sleepy

Kool-Aid. Oh ohh no.

I love

cough syrup.

What kind of cough syrup do you want?

The happy kind. Who

is this?This is

Ed. Ed who?

I don't have an Ed in our computer.

Ed?Umm

What's your phone number?

Ed?

Hello.

Hello

Hello?And?

What an incredible dream I was having.

Yay!

Hello. Hi, this is Morgan. I'm calling

from Voice Assisted Services with a phone

call from Doctor Mark Premise. Doctor

Premise speaks with a computer voice

generator. Can you take the call?Yes, I

can take it. Thank you. Hello.

HelloI need

help speaking

comprende. Yes,

I understand

that. Can you speak slower?

How may

I be of

assistance?Slower.

How may

I be

of

assistance. Why

do you speak so slow?

Because you

tell me to

speak slower. But I

don't mean it. You don't mean

it?No. Tell

me whatI can

do to help.

I want you. Inside me.

You want me beside you?

Inside me. When?

As soon as possible.

I'm leaving the country.

We could get a hotel.

Dr. Premis, I need to

know. Yes. What

kind of abilities you

think I haveCan

you work my chest?Who

is Chaz?My ba*ls

made raining. Dr. Premise, I

don't know what you're asking of me.

You want my man meat

inside you?Well,

I'm not in a position to offer that,

and I am now going to terminate the

conversation. Work my

chest.

This is Sunny Tanning. I have a singing

phonogram that I'm supposed to deliver to

your store to thank you for all the

excellent service that you've been doing

over the years. Oh, one of your customers

has purchased it for you. Really. Yeah.

So he'd like me to sing you a song. Is

that OK?Oh, here I go.

I brought my sweatpants and my shirty.

Every day they were so dirty. I can't

believe they came back so clean.

Oh, you are phenomenal.

I think that you are the bestest. You get

rid of all my messes. Filthy stains. I

cannot even see them. Oh,

he really loves the service that you

provide over there. He's really blown

away by it. Thank you. What is his last

name?I'm gonna. My last name is Tanning,

but I cannot reveal who wrote the song

for you until I get to the end of it. Oh,

OK. Anytime I spew too soon and

it gets on my pantaloons, I know you'll

get it out with your Chinese magic.

He loves the service over there. Oh,

thank you. I cheated off you in math.

Now you'll give my clothes a bath. Even

after they've been sitting in a puddle of

my own vomit. I

met a girl once at a bar. Probably took

it a little bit too far. You got her

blood out of my favorite blazer.

Even though you're bad at driving and

your people are conniving, I still think

your chicks are totally hot. They're

beautiful ladies. You guys

clean my black tuxedo, but because of my.

my libido the whole thing's drenched in

fluids of a tr*nny wh*re ohh

I got some blood on my new tie stabbed a

hobo in the eye because of you I'm free

to do it again and again

and again and again and

again and again and again and

again skipping there a little bit

My taste for blood cannot be sated.

You're the one who can't be hated. I'll

k*ll for you, my unsuspecting friend

from the land of China. Oh, if you don't

mind, would you please wait?Because

I have a customer. OK, I'll sing to him

too. Oh, hold on, please.

Hello. Miss. Oh, thanks for holding it.

You know the customer who was in there?

Oh, that's him. He sent it to

you. Yes. He's the one who m*rder*d all

the people. Oh, this is Secky.

Yes, exactly. He's the m*rder*r. Oh,

OK. Yes, it was him. Oh, well, he

left already. So, well, when he. I know

he had to go for murdering. Yeah. When he

come next time, I'm going to.

I'm going to thank him. Well, yes, you

should thank him. Yes, for not stabbing

you in the face. All right. Bye. Bye.

Talk to you soon. Bye.

This is Ed. May I help you?Hi, Ed.

My name is Kevin. I've got a question.

Okay. My dad says that if I

keep doing magic, I'm gonna turn

g*y. Is that true?No,

I don't think-- That's what I thought.

But why do all these magicians seem so

g*y?I'm not sure I agree with that,

but everybody has... Look around. What?

I mean, hey, look at Siegfried. Look

at Roy. Look at Lance Burton.

These guys are pulling rabbits out of

their assI have many, many, many

magician friends, and none of them that I

know are g*y. Are you sure?I'm positive.

Have you asked them?Ohh My, we have had

many discussions about stuff like that.

Do you have a girlfriend?Of course I have

a girlfriend. What's his name?You're a

funny guy. Seriously, what's his name?

My girlfriend's name is Julie. Thank you

very much. Do you saw her in half?Like

the magic thing?No, she does not

participate in magic at all. Do you have

those cups with the ba*ls under them?

Yep, cups and ba*ls. We do have those,

yes. So you can make the ba*ls disappear?

That is possible, yes. That takes

practice, but you can do that. Do you

know how to do it?Um, I know the

mechanics of it. I don't do it well

enough to present it, but I do know the

mechanics. But you do do it?

I do not perform it, no. Do your friends

make ba*ls disappear?If you have a

specific question, I'll be happy to to

answer it to the best of my ability,

but... I do have a question. What's your

question?Why are magicians so

g*y?Nah, that's not a valid question that

I can answer. I've already told you my

opinion on that, and this is not a

productive conversation. Let me, let me..

Let me rephrase it. Can I rephrase

it?You certainly may try. Why

aren't magicians not

g*y?That's not a rephrasing.

Yes, it is. Okay, this is not a

productive conversation. So I'm gonna go

'cause I have other people in the store.

Okay. So you have a good night. What's

your name?My name is Ed. All right, Edna.

All right, bye bye.

Thank you for calling the. Yes. Um, I

have a little girl, and, uh, I want to,

you know, get her some etiquette. Okay.

How old is she?Eight. But what what kind

of-- what kind of do y'all teach?I'm

sorry, what kind of-- What kind of y'all

teach?'Cause I mean, like, you know, the

b*tch sit with her legs wide open. The

girl got no class at all. Okay.

Um, well, we work with the students on

etiquette. I'm using courtesy words and

showing respect to adults. Okay. Like

like courtesy words. That's that's what.

That's like what?Yes. Yes, ma'am. No,

ma'am. Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. Please.

Thank you. You're welcome. OK, so like,

like, uh, instead of don't do that

sh*t you're supposed to say please, right?

You're supposed to say if you would

please stop doing that. OK, so please

stop doing that shitWell, maybe without

the last word. She gonna need a ton of

classes, boy.

Yeah, because first of all, she already

cross-eyed and her teeth f*cked up so. At



that information. Because I want her to

grow up to be a little classy b*tch you

know, like her mama. Would you like to

set up an appointment or would you like

me to send you out some information?We

can set up an appointment. I'll bring

that little helper down there. Who am I

speaking with?This is Gladys Murphy.

Gladys Murphy. Mm-hmmHer name is

Princess, Princess Murphy. And her name

is Princess. Look, is it OK if she's not

potty trained?No, that isn't OK if she's

not potty trained. Oh, boy. She's

eight years old and she's not potty

trained. No, she she had, you

know, I told you she's a mess. Umm

Well, we can't help out on the potty

training thing, but that is important for

her to be able to know when she needs to

use the facilities. I mean, so like

during class or something, you know,

she'll go, excuse me. I got to take a

sh*t but she won't go nowhere. She'll

just do it right there. Oh, no, that's

not acceptable. Not acceptable.

OK, well, let's schedule an appointment.

What about what about public masturbation

Is that is that good?Y'all can y'all cut

that out too. I don't know what to tell

you about on that one, but

Thursday or Friday, I have some time if

you would like to stop in one of those

days. OK, let's do let's do Thursday

then. Thursday. OK. I think that touching

stuff she picked up from her dad. Because

he always run around here jerking his

chain. What time on Thursday?Let's say

around 2:00, because she's usually empty

by then. OK, I've got you down for 2:00.

And that's Princess Murphy, 88

years old. And Gladys Murphy. Yes. Let me

let me tell you this. When we come there

and if she asks you to smell her finger,

don't. OK. I will not do that. Don't.

OK. OKWell, my name is Karen.

Karen. And I put you down. Don't. I've

put you down for two o'clock.

D-O-N-T.

Don't. All right, well, we'll see you

tomorrow at two o'clock. That finger is

stinky. Okay. Okay

See you then. All righty. Okay, bye.

Yee-haw!

What's your phone number?

Ed?

Umm

Hello?

Hello