03x13 - Wanda Sykes & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real. No BS.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Ludacris,

Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel,

Tony Barbieri. Wanda Sykes,

Jim Florentine, and Drew Carey.

I took advantage of a baby chick once.

Come one, come all 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers Come on, come

on You can say what you want And they'll

never know if you're derangedOh,

what?But it doesn't really matter No, it

doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll all be

doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Hello, Kevin. What up?This is Chris, boy.

What the hell going on?I'm

good, man. I ain't complaining about

nothing. Just sitting here with my kids,

just giving them hugs and kisses. That's

it. That's what's up, man. I got a

serious question to ask you, man, because

I've been thinking about after this

album, what I'm going to do, man. I think

I need to take things in a whole new

direction. OK. Whole new direction, man.

I think I want to change my damn name,

man. Are you serious?Hell

yeah. I know it's going to sound crazy. I

think I want to change my name to Peanut

Head. So it wouldn't

be Ludacris and then Peanut or Peanut

Head, AKA Ludacris. No, just

Peanut Head. I I I gotta

digest it. What is your music changing?

No, I mean the music, the whole thing,

man. Cause it's just like P head for

sure. People could call me P head or

Peanut, right?Let me ask you a question.

I mean, if the album isn't going to

explain the change, like the single you

got a record that explains the change,

it's going to explain the change. The

whole damn album is like it could be

some. More words that rhyme with peanut,

all of that. Because it's like Tupac

changed his name to Makaveli. Why can't I

change my name to peanut head?But you

can't. But you can't. See, this is. I'm

not against it. You know, it's like when

Redman, when Redman did. You know what I

mean?He spoke docs. He doxed the

name. I'm not against it at all. First

thing I got to do is punk that planner's

b*tch in the top hat. So I'm the only

peanut head on the block. Like that type

shitThat's what I'm talking about.

Because I'm real serious about this sh*t

man. And I know you you stand behind me

when I call you. That's why. That's why

I'm glad that you behind me on this. It's

like, Ludacris is fun. You know what I'm

saying?But at the end of the day, it's

just like a silly little a*s joke. Peanut

head. That's a name you can respect.

Peanut head is a name you can respect

over Ludacris. Hell yeah. Smooth as

peanut butter, dude. Smooth as f*cking

peanut butter, Kev. OK, I

want to change my style and wear like top

hat, like the monocle, all of that stuff.

And from now on, I'm calling my people by

nut names, man. You got that pistachio?

What?Man, we got to hurry up before

Master P becomes Master Peanut, dog.

Right. All right, man. I'm excited about

this. We'll talk about it soon, man. If

you really don't want me to be peanut

head, man, maybe maybe Mayor Mccheese or

something, dog. Anything. We'll talk

about it. OK. We cool.

Hello, this is Katherine. Hi, my name is

Hadassah. You answered a help

wanted ad $50.00 an hour. Yes, I did.

I'm actually looking to hire somebody to

visit my grandmother in the nursing home.

She's pretty senile

and she's definitely not going to know

the difference and just kind of go as me

and just say hi and visit.

Oh, how sad. How come you just don't go

visit her?She just she smells. She

just, you know, just don't want to.

OK. What I like to do is the the main

thing of the job is kind of acting,

being able to ad lib, you know,

are you, do you have any acting

experience or just kind of. I certainly

do. I've been involved in the art scene

in the community theater here in Phoenix

for quite some time. Oh, wow. Phoenix art

scene is hot. Yeah, it is. I just, I just

have a few more questions. Oh, OK. Would

it be every day or a couple times a week?

Yeah, every day. Seven days a week until

she dies, which, you knowOh, wow.

Yeah, she. Let's try to. If we could just

do a quick improv, 'cause I just want to

make sure that it's going to go smooth.

And I'll be my Nana. You be me and just

go with it. How are you, darling?

Oh, I'm doing great, Nana. How are

you?I'm terrible. I don't feel

good. Well, you know what?Nobody's

feeling good these days, but you're gonna

feel better after you take a nap. How's

your mother?I haven't seen her in a long

time, but it's great to see you. She

doesn't call me. Well, I'm here,

and I'm with you right now, and that's

all that matters. Are you dating?

I haven't been dating. There's just no

good men out there. I haven't had any

luck at all. Every time you go out with

someone, it's a . Why can't

you be the nice Jewish boy?Listen,

are you serious about this?You used to be

so beautiful. Now you're short and fat.

OK, I think that's about enough.

I'm lonely here.

I'm lonely here, Dazza.

OK, I'm done with the audition, and I'd

like to speak to the nice lady who called

again. Great stuff.

When she asks you about money, you've got

to just ignore it. What?WhatWhat would

she ask?She, you know, what happened to

my money?You stole my money. You know,

she just ignore it. Just tell her she's a

crazy lady, you know, and

and just ignore it. Yo, where's my

money?OK, you know what?You stole

my money. Oh, I'm going to

have to pass on this, babe. But you have

a. I'm not your baby!

Hello, can I help you?Hi there, who am I

speaking to?Brenda. Hi, Brenda.

My name is Terrence Catheter and I am the

assistant to Mr. Clay Aiken,

recording star. Yes. And we're

sh**ting a video and we're looking for

authentic Western wear. And I was

told that you'd be the best person to

call your store. Yes. A couple

of things, just on a personal level. Clay

does this thing where if he likes an

article of clothing, he'll sh**t at it

with his fingers. He'll go like. Pow. And

what we would need you guys to say is

nice sh**ting, Clay, and then just ring

it up. OK. You're going to have to call

back in about 1/2 hour because I've got

too many customers coming. Can I talk to

one of the customers for a second?Oh,

sure. OK. Thank you.

Hello. Hi there. Are you a customer at

the store?Yep. I am Clay Akins,

assistant. My name is Terrence and. Clay

is going to be coming in there, and I

just wanted to get like an insider's

perspective on the store. Is it a good

store?Oh, it's excellent. And what sort

of things should I put Clay in?Because

we're remaking Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive

video, and we want to make it even more

masculine than when John was in cowboy

boots and cowboy leather, if that's

possible. Oh, you should put him in

Wranglers. Wranglers. Wrangler

butts drive me nuts. This store

has a lot of those. I may hire you as a

consultant for me. Do you ride a horse?Oh

yeah, you do. A real full-sized or ponies?

No, full-sized quarter horse. Because

we're sh**ting this video actually with a

pony. We're going to make it appear to be

a horse. But Clay does not want to get

onto a real horse. Why?Because he's

scared of them. How long have you

been cowboying?All my life.

Wow. I am going to give you a call

because I think this is going to be

fantastic. Clay comes by your place. We

go through your closet, we pick through

your under things and whatnot. We pick

out a nice outfit for Clay to wear. We

jump up on your horses and ride around

your ranch. Maybe we ride the two of you

tandem on the horses.

Actually, I've got my place shut down for

the winter. OK, well, we'll open it up.

What kind of underpants do Cowboys wear?

Hell, I don't know. Never checked.

G slash thong. I gotcha.

OK. Thanks so much, Ron. I look so

forward to getting you and Clay together

up on those horses, eating omelets, the

whole thing. I think it's going to be

wild. OK. I mean, we'll rope people.

We'll tie them up. We'll do the whole

thing. All right. Goodbye. Bye.

Howdy.

King's Shack, this is . How can I help

you?Uh, yes. I I bought a a cordless

phone from your store and

I'm I'm picking up picking up other

people's conversations in my

phone. How long have you had it?Less than

a week. But it's like I'm you know I'm

I'm I'm on the PTA. I'm a church going

woman. I'm having you know I'm talking to

my my choir director trying to get

you know when our next rehearsal is and

then all sudden I hear these. This nasty

conversation going on in the phone. They

think it's me. HuhBring it in. Let me

look at it. Because when I when I bought

it, I I specifically asked the guy, did

you hear that?You like those ba*ls?See.

There you go. Tell me how much that

ba*ls. I want your

ba*ls. Did you hear that?Yeah. Those

ba*ls. See. That happens all

all all day. I'm going to pound you like

a drum. Oh, my goodness. That's going to

hurt. Wow. What are you close by?

Here he comes. Oh. You must

be near. You must be near a tower or

something. See, I'm. I'm trying to talk

to my pastor. See all that vein switching?

Oh, my God, that's just nasty right

there. Well, bring it in. Let me look at

it for you. These people need prayer. OK,

yeah, bring it. Bring it in. Let me look

at it for you. You want to look at it?

Can't you hear it?Well, yeah, but I want

to make sure it's not your telephone line

and and and not your phone. Watch out.

Bring it in and we'll get you a new

phone. Oh, did you hear what he

just said?Yeah. Bring it in, ma'am. Oh,

my goodness. Hey, Jeff, did she like your

ba*ls?OK, ma'am, bring it in. This

must be a party line. Oh, why wouldn't

she like them?Bring it in. OK.

Bring the phone in. Yes. OK, I'm gonna

bring the phone in. And then. Oh,

she wants some more. Bring it in, ma'am.

It's his turn. Thank you. Throw some of

those ba*ls over this way. Hello. Yes.

Here they come. Bring the phone in,

ma'am. How can I talk to talk to the to

my pastor with all this going on?OK,

bring the phone in. OK. Oh, did you just

tell me to touch your ba*ls?Bring the

phone in, ma'am. Who wants the pinky?OK,

I'll bring the phone. Thank you. Who's

that lucky that's going to get my pinky,

huhWho's the lucky rapper?You just asked

me to stick a finger in your assNo. Me,

Sir. Me. Hello. Pig.

What the hell?Bring the phone

in.

Hello. HelloI'm trying to reach the

doula. Yes, I am a doula. And

what's your name, ma'am?And dinner. I'm

looking to employ some doulas and

midwives. Here's what's happening. This

is our 4th annual mass birthing ceremony

on the grounds of Niles Standish's

estate. OK, what's going to be tricky

is making the births happen

simultaneously. It's like a coordinated

fireworks display. A wet, sticky,

pungent fireworks display.

OK. It's truly. I don't know if you've

ever experienced a mass birthing before,

but it is a glorious experience.

No, I've never have. Never even heard of

it. Let me tell you something. The sight

of womanly fluids cascading down my

mahogany staircase. It's a slippery sea

of life. It's absolutely breathtaking. OK?

I can assure you there will be nothing

untoward, unpleasant, or perverse going

on. There will be no drinking of fluids,

no impropriety or profane ritualistic

shouting. I promised myself that that

would never happen again.

OK. And there is a

prize for the most babes per

doula. Would you like to know what it is?

Sure. It's a Toyota Camry. It's a



OK. When women are in the final

throes of birthing, from my experience,

they can be very tense and very edgy.

It is. My belief that it's the doula or

midwife's responsibility to relax them.

Yes. YesAll right. Now let's do a little

role-playing. I'm going to be a woman in

the throes of birthing. You help to relax

me. Let's see how we do. All right. OK.

Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, it's hurting. It's

ripping me apart like a split

frankfurter. Oh, for the love of God,

get me morphine or heroin or frank or

something. Yes, yes, calm, breathe with

me. And I'm trying. I'm trying. All

right. Oh, could you massage my feet?

Please massage my feet. Thank. Oh, that's

nice. Oh, there goes one. Stay with this.

You can do it. You can do this.

What's that dreadful smell?Oh, what in

God's name is that dreadful smell?Relax.

You're bringing a baby into this world.

Oh, yes, I am. You're bringing a baby.

Yes, I am. Oh, here comes another

contraction. OK, OKDon't fear it. Don't

fear it. Should I push?Should I push?

Should I bear down or what?If you feel

like you, can you push?I should have

never gone on that cruise and let that

stupid tennis pro seduce me.

Your baby's almost here now. Oh, it's

ripping apart my love hole. Did you see

it coming?Yeah. Is it coming?Stay with

me. All right. All rightStay with me. I

feel the head. I feel. I feel the head.

Yes, you do. That's your baby. It's a

breach. Feel your baby breach.

Your baby's almost out. Grab your baby

out. Grab a hold of it. Get out of me.

Touch your baby. It's out. What's wrong

with my baby?What's wrong with my baby's

eyes?Your baby is fine. Your baby is

fine. Oh, my Lord, my

child is black. Ira is going to k*ll

me. Oh, let

me put him on my chest and let him suck

it for me. Oh, come to Papa.

I am a mother.

True, trueMy vag*na will never be the

same. But who cares?I've got a

lovely little child. Can I tell you

something else?Yes. You're hired.

OK, now listen. After the ceremony, I'm

welcoming you to stay for champagne and

placenta quiche. I'm not

drinking right now because I'm nursing.

More quiche for me. Ta ta ta.

Public Library, Dottie speaking. Hi,

Dottie. Yes?Can you look up the word

moron?What do you want to know, the

definition?Yeah. Okay,

just a minute. Shh. Okay.

Shh. According to

Webster's Dictionary. Shh, you have to

whisper, you're in the library.

According to Webster's Dictionary...

A feeble-minded person...

Keep it down, mister. ...or mental

defective with a potential mental

age of between 8 and 12 years

who is capable of doing routine work

under supervision. Like working at the

library. Yay!

Good evening at W Hastienda. Hello. How

are you?Good. My name's Robert. I

don't know if you have a minute. Sure.

I'm going through Alcoholics Anonymous

and I'm in the I'm in the stage where you

call people and make amends for things

you've done. And I stayed at your place

about seven months ago. I paid you

in cash. I have to tell you that before I

paid you in cash, I wiped my butt on the

cash. Oh, OK. I'm, I'm

very sorry. And when I was in the room, I

also wiped my butt on the

pillow and the mattress and I scooted

along the carpet like a like a dog. Can

can I ask why?You know, I I

never had much of A childhood. I'm just

really trying to apologize for wiping my

butt on virtually everything in your

room. It was the bed corners. The

maid left her cart out in the hallway and

I got the towels

and the washcloths and even the soaps.

Can you please tell me you forgive me?

Absolutely. Thank you so much for being.

I was so angry then. I was acting out and

just wipe. I mean, I've wiped my butt on

restaurant doors, counter

seats. I thought this the world was like

my toilet paper. And I just. I'm really

sorry. Do you do you recall which room it

was?Oh, there's been so many.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I

think it's a great thing that you're

you're calling and making amends. I took

advantage of a baby chick once.

Isn't that sickest thing?A baby chick.

It was so furry and yellow. I couldn't

help myself. I couldn't help

myself. Well, anyway, good luck. Would it

be possible?Can I make a reservation for

next weekend?

Actually, I would have to probably say

no. I love your drapes because they were

so soft and absorbent. OK, well,

I would have to say you'd probably have

to find another place.